Im With You
Paul, I just dont know what to do! She wont listen to anyone! Shes adamantshes going to have this baby! What baby, Paul? Shes only nineteen, her whole life ahead of her! Shell drop out of university, and then what? Go work as a cleaner? We have to sort this out somehow! And you need to help me!
With what, Mum?
Pauls voice was so icy that Irene nearly dropped the phone. Hed never spoken to her like that beforealways her kind, sunny boy and now this! What had she done to deserve this? And, really, this was Lilas fault! All this because of some so-called romance! Silly girl! If only shed listened to her mother! But whats the use of moaning now? Irene, youve no one to blame but yourself. You spoiled her, indulged her, tried to be her mate, and here you are, signing on the dotted line of your own parenting. But why? Why did things turn out like this? Pauls a model son, clever, polite, always there to helpeven if he does live separately now, as any grown man would. Shed tried hinting that he should hurry up and start a family, shed love a grandchild or two, but nohe plodded along, single as ever. When Lila was little, Irene didnt have time for all this mopingpiano lessons, netball, back-to-back weekends at competitions, no time for brooding or wrinkles. But now, with Lila out all the timestudies, friends, her volunteer group, and now this boyfriendIrene was left staring at her own reflection, wondering what shed done wrong.
And that boyfriend! Where did Lila even find that odd creature? He seemed about as inspiring as cold porridge. Irene had sized him up from the get-go, but Lila had gone and fallen in loveshe never could see through people. Everyone was lovely in her eyes! It didnt matter how many times Irene tried to explain that not everyone was as good as they seemed; Lila just wouldnt get it. And now, look where they were. Christmas round the corner, and a looming headache in the air. And Paulwhy was he speaking to her like that?!
Paul, why are you talking to me like this?
Where is she, Mum? Paul yanked the steering wheel, shot into a side street, and parked up. His usual calm ended right at the word baby. His hands shook on the wheel and he felt the urge to scream, like back then Only, screaming hadnt changed anything then, and it wouldnt now. All he could do was keep himself together, do somethinganythingto help, so that even if he lost his own child, at least Lilas baby would make it.
Oh, Mum. What are you doing? You always loved Lila a bit more than mehow could you not, with that little blue-eyed, curly-haired doll for a daughter? Lila had always been a beauty. Paul had seen enough babies in their gigantic family, with endless aunts and cousins, all churning out children who looked exactly like the rest: wide-set blue-grey eyes, chunky bodiesthey could have started a tug-of-war team at birth. But Lila had stunned everyone. She got the family eyes, but everything else was swan-like and delicate, straight out of a marble sculpture. Mum, at first, had been self-conscious about her, but soon enough swelled with pride as Lila fluttered about at family gatherings, dazzling grown-ups.
What a beauty youve produced! the aunts would sigh, fluffing their daughters bows and tutting in envy.
When Lila first took to the gymnastics mat in her sparkly leotard, it became clear she was meant for something more than merely being pretty. Mum threw herself into her daughters sporting success; Paul, no longer in the spotlight, busied himself with his own life. His mother adored him, sure, but she was always prouder of what hed achieved. Not that she didnt remind everyone at every available opportunity:
Paul won the Physics Olympiad, you know! Bright as they come! And just wait till the Maths results are out, Im certain hell top those, too. Genius, that boy.
Irene never noticed the tight smiles from her friends. She was busy with her comfortable lifeclever children, a doting husband, and a teaching job she could dip into as she liked, tutoring English so well that even the most hopeless pupils passed university entrance, and she charged double what anyone else dared.
If parents want results, not just penny-pinchingwell, Ill get your child in the door at whichever university you choose, shed sniff.
Paul marvelled how his mother juggled it allthe lessons, the house, the joband managed to pass her efficient time-management skills onto him. Thanks to her, he ran his day like clockwork.
Today, though, it had all fallen apart with one phone call. His mothers update left him all at sea.
It had been what, three years since hed last heard that phrase?
Im pregnant. Not keeping it. Im not ready for that, and its your fault. You sort it out. Ive picked the clinic. The rest is up to you.
What a row they had! For the first time in three years of living together, Paul yelled at Svetlana so loudly he worried the windows might shatter. He was furious, and hurt. Hed proposed so many times, tried to build the futurethere was a flat, small but big enough, a car, a modest but promising business. What else could she want? He wasnt a bloody lord, but she hardly a princess. Just a girl from a village so quaint even Google Maps shrugged. He could never pronounce it, much to Svets amusement. And how had they met? Shed stormed through the university corridor, late for an exam, and barked at him for scribbling sums on the wall. Then, hopping on one foot, trying to fix a broken heel, shed muttered and pegged it down the hall.
After passing her exam, shed grabbed his arm and waved her markbook. Got a First! That needs celebrating. Got any bright ideas? They dated a year before moving in together, then Pauls granddad died, and his parents decided to sell the family flatthey thought it was too cramped, but really, for Paul, it only felt empty without his granddads morning grumbles: Come on, you lazy student! Ive made you some eggs! Granddad had been indestructible, an old tug captain on the Thames until the day his beloved doveGrandmapassed away.
Ill be off soon, as well, Granddad would sigh. Nothing for me here without her.
But what about me, Granddad? And Lila?
Right, Ill hang about a bit longer then, just to see what becomes of you. Hed call Grandma his dove since the day they met.
She was gentle as anything Women arent made like that anymore, Paul. I was a wally, sometimes upset her, and shed just smile, shake her head, and say, Oh, Paul, what are you like? Thats all! No shouting, never a row. I wish shed told me off properly now and again. Would have made things easier to bear, you know?
Whywas there much to forgive, Granddad?
Ercourse. Thats life. And when theres forgiveness, missing someone even has a purpose. Otherwise its just nothing.
Paul saw his granddad fading, and he understood, for the first time, what real, deep love wasthe kind that survives anything.
Thats the kind of love hed hoped to have with Svet, but as he watched her coldly extend her hand for his card to pay for the clinic, he realised hed never get close.
She took the card herself, stuffed her clothes into a suitcase, pinched his wallet, and leftslam!while Paul only woke up at the ping of a large withdrawal on his mobile. He cancelled the card, then drove straight to his parents.
Mum fussed herself into a lather, Dad cut through the noise with a solid pat on the back.
If you need help, son, were here, he said. Paul didnt tell them the full storyonly that he and Svet had split up. Better if Mum assumed Paul did the dumping, rather than unleash her rage on Svet for generations to come.
He slumped on that tatty old settee theyd never replaced, sinking into gloom. The world felt sticky, dark. What flicker of hope could there be?
But then, Lila turned up, balanced herself with some yoga move on his rug, brushed away his tears with the tips of her fingers, and told him quietly, Youre really hurting, arent you? Pash, what can I do? I want to help, but I dont know how
Just stay with me. So I dont do anything stupid.
She stayed. All night, right up until Mum realised Lila wasnt in her roomconvinced shed just woken up early for a competition. She hadnt a clue that brother and sister spent half the night in silence, then talking, Lila somehow drawing out everything inside him. Odd to realise your gawky sixteen-year-old sister packed such comfort and wisdom. She didnt offer platitudes or ready-made answers, but somehow, he knew life wasnt overthere might even be good things ahead.
Lila, you should study psychology!
Her red face told him hed guessed right, though Mum, of course, wanted a gold-medal gymnast, not a shrink. Mum breezed in, scolded Lila for not having washed, mussed Pauls hair (which always grated on him), and sprinted to the kitchen.
Lila won the competition that day, flying across the mat so brilliantly the judges shared raised eyebrows. Where on earth did that musicality come from? As Habanera boomed, she poured every bit of Pauls pain into her routinethe confusion, the backdrop of pain, then hope. It was her best performance.
Talks started about Lilas moving to London for elite training. But disaster struckwalking home after practice, she didnt spot two dodgy blokes trailing her. She was walking, Dad stuck at work, and she thought herself grown-upten minutes, she reasoned, would see her home.
Hey, love, dont walk off! Have a look at our dog, eh?
A low growl behind her made Lila walk faster. She dreaded dogs since childhood, but knew running only made them chase. The flats entrance was just two steps away, the hall lights on. Lila quick-walked, resisting the urge to bolt, but forgot the evening frost. She missed the handrail and crashed halfway down the stone steps, sliding in a blur.
She woke in hospital; Mum pale as milk, staring into space, rocking endlessly. Lilas legs ached as if after a marathon.
Mum
Youre awake? Mums eyes were tiny slits, swollen from crying. Oh Lila my darling
Lila never knew if Mum wept more over her injuries or over the ruined sporting career. Lila had never wanted pity, but right now, all she wanted was her mum to stop with the laments, give her a hug and say, There, there, darling. Itll get better, the pain will pass.
That comfort came from Paul.
Oi, kiddo, hang in there! Want me to bring you a massive cake this time? Stuff ourselves silly, Ill lift you up, and well play snowball fightswhat do you reckon? Or Ill find you the snazziest crutches in town, and we can start prepping for your psychology degree. Still keen?
He hugged her, and for Lila, that moment became a cocoonprotection, and the pain eased just a bit.
Rehab took ages, but by the end of her first year at uni, Lila could walk almost as well as before. Her stride lost its old lightness and some days, she felt almost mermaid-like, but at least the crutches and cane, those pink, glittery numbers which Paul had got resprayed at a car body shop, were in the past. She donated them to Helen, the volunteer group co-ordinator, whod been disabled since birth but still managed to run their search and rescue HQ from her flat.
Its definitely all go, isnt it, Helen? Lila lost count of teas brewed and sausage rolls made for the search parties.
Why would I want peace and quiet, eh, Lila? Life would be dull if I sat here a hermit. Here, Im needed. Thats what mattersright?
It was at the volunteers that Lila met Mark.
Mum had been right in one respectMark wasnt what youd call dazzling. But Lila knew the truth about himof course she hadnt told Mum, whod never understand. By her rules, Mark didnt fit the bill. Mark had joined the team looking for his stepdad when hed disappeared. After a day searching, only the volunteers would listen.
Marks stepdad, Henry, was the third of his mums husbands, but the first one whod actually acted like a father. Mark was taken in from birth by his Nan and Grandad. His mum left for work abroad, sent cash, the odd letter, and slowly faded out of memory. When Mark was ten, she reappearedwith a new husband, Alan, whose idea of parenting meant showing who was boss. A scuffle over a broken school window was enough for Mark to run barefoot into the streets; his Grandad came to collect him by evening.
Youll live with us. Not handing you over to them again.
Mum remarried once moreHenry this time, a kindly older widower who gradually won Mark over. After Nan and Grandad died, Mark moved in with his mum and Henry. Mum soon became ill and passed quickly, but by then Henry had adopted him. Youre not alone, son, Henry said in an awkward hug.
The night Henry disappeared, Mark found the bus driver who remembered himbut no one had seen Henry after he stepped off. The park was empty, no one noticed him faint on the grass, and the cold eventually claimed him.
The volunteer group couldnt help Henry, but theyd welcomed Mark in. Lila introduced him to Paul almost at once.
Hes wonderful, Paul. Maybe even more than wonderful.
Thats good, I suppose?
A genuinely good person, I think
Once Paul met Mark, he could see Lila was right. They looked an odd pairLila, tall and willowy, Mark, a bit lost and mousybut Paul supported his sister. As long as hes good to you, who cares? Mum huffed, Dad raised an eyebrow, then agreed, Well see.
So they did
Paul started his engine, pulling back onto the street. He needed to find Lilashe wouldnt do anything drastic after the row with Mum, but still. Irene hadnt bothered to ask about Mark, and likely didnt even know he was gone. But Lilas baby was on the way
A ridiculous accident had taken gentle Marks life. Late at night, on the phone to Lila, he stepped onto the road, forgetting he was in a dark coat, the streetlights faded, and no one could blame the driver. Paul knew: hed driven that bit of road himself. In the twilight, anyone in dark clothes just melted into the gloom.
It had happened two days ago. The funeral was tomorrow. Lila had yet to say a word to their parentssince hearing the news, shed frozen, no tears, only a strangled whimper at night.
I cant cry, Pashka I just whimper into my pillow so Mum and Dad dont hear”
Have you told them?
I cant. Mumll kick off you know what shes like. I just couldnt bear it
Why hadnt Lila told him about the baby? Maybe shed only just found out, or couldnt bring herself to mention it?
Too many questions, not one answer.
Helens flat was, as always, left unlocked. Paul rapped lightly on the kitchen door, and when Helen turned round, knife in hand, he asked, Wheres Lila, Helen?
In my roomshes been waiting for you.
The room was dark, but Paul kept the switch off. If Lila had been crying, bright light would only sting her eyes.
Paul
Im here.
Good
Her sigh was feeble, despairing. Paul crossed to the narrow bed, scooped up his sister, blanket and all, and gave her the strongest hug.
Dont be scared, love. Im here. Well get through this. It might all seem useless now, but believe me, it isnt. The babys coming, and so is a new life. And itll be a wonderful childwith parents like you and Mark, how could it not?
Lila sobbed properly at last, anchoring herself in her brothers arms.
You shouldve done psychology too, Paul Youd have been brilliant. I feel so awfulif only you knew how awful.
That night, Paul took Lila home with him. He told their parents straight: Lilas staying here. If you dont want to lose both your kids, youll have to accept that she makes her own choices now.
Nothing about the months that followed was easy. Lila was sick for most of her pregnancy, and it took many stern chats with Irene before she finally stood down and allowed her grown-up children the space they needed. Dad, bless him, came over in secret to help them out, found Lila a top doctor and made sure she had all she needed.
Little Victoria arrived one morning, bellowing so thunderously that the midwife chuckled, Blimey! Mums all willowy, but this ones a contralto! Who does she take after?
Her father, Lila answered, smiling down at the scrunched up, red face. New lifehere at last. The girls eyes werent even the family blue-grey; shed be Marks legacy.
Three years later
Vicky! Come here, Ive got something for you!
Paul! Another one? Lila peered out of the kitchen, floury hands in the air. Its Christmas, not her birthday! Spoiling her rotten
Ive got every right! Unclesand godfathersare allowed. Last one was an uncles present; this is a godfathers!
Vicky released the cats tail, much to the large gingers relief, and dashed over. Paul had sold his old flat and, with a bit more cash scraped together, bought two identical one-beds next door to each otherso he could keep an eye on Lila and his niece.
Vickys Mark-like eyes lit up as she peered into the box, where a collection of glass tree ornaments sparkled like the Blackpool illuminations.
Do you like them?
Vicky stroked the baubles. Can I?
Course! Lets hang them on the tree!”
Lila, hands wiped on her apron, entered just as Paul helped his niece perch the Nutcracker on the branch.
Wow! A proper fairy tale! Gorgeous, Paul! Butthose are glass! What if we smash one?
No worries, I know exactly where to get more. Just look how much she likes them!
Little Vicky sat under the tree, clutching the cat (now resigned), and babbled breathless stories. She worried the cat would escape before she finished her taleshed been to the theatre with Paul only yesterday and had copied the ballet dances all day.
Looks like were surplus to requirements, Paul whispered. See? You thought shed be bored!
I just thought she was too little to sit still. How wrong was I! Shes so calm!
Paul snorted. Ill remind you of those words when you try to put her to bed. Lets see whos calm and whos a typical child then! Will you feed me? Got to get to work tonight.
Youre not staying? Mum and Dad are coming soon!
Let them have more time with their granddaughter. Ill be back this evening. Somebody needs to give the cat a rest from hershes running him ragged.
Did you hear Mums found a ballet school for Vicky?
Oh dear
My thoughts exactly. What are we going to do?
Well deal with itchannel Nanas love into something peaceful, if possible.
And if not?
Then you stand your ground and Ill back you up. Between us, she doesnt stand a chance.
You reckon?
Im certain! Am I going to get fed in this house or what?
Alright, alright! You just need settling down with a wife
Oh, dont startyou and Mum both! At this rate therell be no more nieces or nephews for you!
Honestly, women!
The little wooden Marie on the tree spun, caught by Vickys finger. She murmured a tune, then shot up and whirled round the room, the cat giving her a wide berthjust in case their Vicky was a budding Margot Fonteyn in disguiseAs Marie twirled and tumbled in Vickys hand, a strand of tinsel slipped free and spiraled to the rug. Vicky grinned, delighted at every glitter. For the first time in ages, the whole flat felt uncomplicatedjust noise, the promise of laughter, and the delicious clutter of love.
Paul paused in the doorway, watching his niece envelope herself in the soft light and colours of the tree. For a moment, everything that had been heavy lifted from his chest. The pain, the old breakages, the aching what-ifsthey lived in the background now, like the thrum of distant traffic, but the room was warm and right. In the kitchen, Lila hummed under her breath, a tune he half-remembered from their shared childhood, when life was all hopscotch and secret handshakes.
He looked down at Vicky, who, without warning, tumbled into his lap, wrapping sticky arms around his neck. The cat sauntered off, eyeing them with disgruntled dignity. Vicky whispered, Will you stay till the stars come out, Uncle Paul?
He ruffled her hair. Ill stay till the moon tells me to go home. Deal?
The doorbell ranga mad jumble of boots and voices. Irene and Dad, flushed from the cold, swept in, arms burdened with just-baked bread and lopsided parcels. Irene stopped dead, her face softening as she took in the scene: her children side-by-side, the grandchild lost in fairy-tale reverie. Something rugged in her melted, just a little, and she set the bread on the table without fuss.
This, Paul thought, is the strange magic of family. Not perfectionnever that. But a patchwork stitched back together, frayed seams forgiven. Tears and rows and all the bits that nearly didnt healtransformed now by the untidy miracle of a little girls giggle or the patience in a brothers hand.
The lights on the tree winked in the dusk, catching on glass and silver and the damp in Pauls eyes. The fairy needs her throne, Vicky announced, handing him the final ornamenta chipped, time-worn angel missing a wing. He lifted her high, balancing her tiny feet in his palms, letting her crown the tree with their battered little angel.
There it was. For all their mistakes, missteps, losses, still they endured. Still they found themselves, again and again, returning home. In the hush between carols and kettle whistle, Lila and Pauls eyes meta thousand words in a single smile.
Vicky clapped, giddy for the sparkle and the promise of storytime and hugs and midnight biscuits. Paul hugged her once, tight, then let her go free.
For tonight, that was enough. Love had lingered; love had won.
