A Letter to My Father
“Well, Harry, you are quite the character! I never expected this from you!” exclaimed Susan, abandoning all pretense as she wiped her nose with the sleeve of her blouse.
Her mother had sewn that very blouse for her, digging into her precious fabric collection for a swatch of silk, sighing over it, regretting that such beauty wouldn’t end up on her own back, before settling at the sewing machine determinedly.
After all! The girl had grown up. She needed outfits. Who would look her way if she was dressed in rags?
Mum really neednt have gone to the trouble Whats the point? Susan thought as she watched her first love walk away.
There he was, marching off in his brisk, military stride without a backward glance.
It was a pain she could barely bear.
Susan sniffled again, but caught herselfher lashes were stroked with mascara despite her mums warnings, so tears were out of the question.
Harry. Hazza. My dear Harry.
Her love, her only one! It had been only half a year of happiness, Susan knew to the day; from when they met, exactly six months had passed.
Only half a year, yet so much had happened
Harry, it turns out, did glance back oncebut Susan pretended not to notice.
And anyway, honestly! She came to him with such news, and he turned up his nose? Off with him! Sailor off to sea! Ocean and freedom are all he wants! Go on then! She wasnt a child! Shed give birth and raise the baby herself, and wouldnt ask permission. No need to give him the honour.
Susan was fuming, but beneath the bravado, a thin, insistent whimper of pain gnawed at her.
How could he? Hed said he loved her, promised her everything under the sun, vowed theyd get married and when she told him she was expecting, he ran for the hills?
Wellnot told, exactly
She said she wanted more than the odd weekend together, hoping for a future, but he replied that the sea was waiting. He wasnt about to change his plans for her wishes. Said if she loved him, she should pack her bags and come along.
And leave her mum? He wanted her, pregnant, to move to the other end of the countryno family, no friends, not a soul in sight?
No way! Not going to happen.
Susan stood up from the bench, straightened her skirt and fixed her hair. There wasnt much to speak ofher hair barely had any bodybut a perm worked wonders. Mum was right: appearances mattered. Look at Harrynothing special really, but girls swooned for him anyway. He was clever, funny, and could talk seriously, just as good as any student, never mind hed barely scraped his GCSEs! Smart as anything.
Not that Susan had much to show, either. A college course and thats it. She flatly refused further study, no matter how her mother pushed. They barely spoke for a month afterwards! When had that ever happened?
But Susan knew her worth. That diploma wouldnt do her any good now she was earning decent money on the building site! She sent a bit to her mum and still had enough for herself.
Mum recovered, calmed down, and soon gathered Susan back under her wing as ever. That was her way. Only now What would she say when she found out she was going to be a grandmother? Would there be a row?
Stupid question. When was there not!
Her mother shouted so loudly the neighbours came running. Not that they explained anythingtold them Susan was having trouble at work, ushered everyone out. Family business was for family to solve, not for others ears.
How did it come to this, Suzie? Didnt I tell you to keep yourself proper till marriage? Wholl have you now? Oh, Harry! I didnt think youd turn out to be that sort! Snake! He seemed so decent. Now hes run off as soon as he heard the news?
Susan considered telling her mother the whole truth. Shed never hear the end of it. But this way, at least Harry would be far away and expectations low.
Yes, Mum. Thats what happened.
Oh, my poor girl What will we do now?
Well manage! What are we, children? We can do this, Mum! If you dont turn your back, if you help me at the start, theres nothing to fear.
Of course I wont leave you! Dont be daft! What kind of mother abandons her child when she needs her most?
Susan closed her eyes for a moment and breathed out, a burden lifted.
So be it, Harry! Even without you, my love, well be all right! Go, if the sea means more to you than your own child!
In time, the details of her last talk with Harry blurred for Susan. Eventually, she convinced herself shed told him about the baby, and hed given her the cold shoulder; so anger and wounded pride settled snugly in her heart, like two silent, entwined snakes, occasionally stirring:
“Look at her! Your daughters just like her father. Little troublemaker! Always getting under your skin. Dont let her ask about her useless dadhe vanished off to faraway seas, never a word since! And just you wait, shell leave one day too. Thats what happens when people dont know how to love or care. Shell never learn.”
Maybe thats why Emily, Susans daughter, grew up certain that only her grandmother loved heroccasionally at best. Gran was affectionate for a moment, but let the neighbours so much as snigger behind her back, and shed push Emily off with a grumble:
Go on, off to your mum! Let her look after you, my misfortune Why should we be punished so, Lord? What did we do wrong?
Until she was nearly three, Emily was quite sure misfortune and punishment were her names, right alongside Emily. Thats what her mother called her on the rare occasions when things felt peaceful. Then, Emily might get a precious, rare cuddle.
Come here, love, let me sort out your hair! So lovely, yours not like mine, all thin. Yours is thick, just like your fathershis was dark and glossy, like a crows wing! And those eyes, blue as the sea he ran away to Youre just like him. A beauty, but happiness will dodge you, just like it did me.
Why? little Emily would frown, tears threatening.
Just because.
Her mothers voice would waver, and Emily knew better than to ask more. It would only make things worse. Best to go to Gran, bury her face in the apron that smelled of shepherds pie, cry over herself, then her mum, then Gran for good measure. After all, it was her mothers shame, and Gran had to bear it.
Why it was shame, and why anyone had to carry it, Emily learnt much later. Shed just turned ten when Susan suddenly seemed to blossom, looking happier and prettier, before she left for the city to start a new life.
Emily stayed with Gran.
She didnt miss her mum too badlySusan had left her before, heading off for work, always saying she had to support her fatherless child. But this time felt different. On those trips, her mum returned, tired but cheerful, with bags full of gifts and new clothes, fussing over Emilys skinniness and height, only to grumble at Gran:
Mum, why is she so thin? People will say we starve her!
She wont eat a thing! I try every which way, she just nibbles a crust and shes done! If her mum was here, shed eat better! But what can I do? Animals to mind, farm to manage, and a child underfoot! Maybe you should stay home and look after her!
Whats to mind, Mum? Shes growing up fast! Anyway, stop scolding! Look what Ive brought you!
Ive no need for all your gifts. Oh, Suzie, I wish youd just stay! My poor heart aches, I miss you
Susans face would darken and Emily would shrink into a corner, dreading another row.
So youre bored, are you?! And Im not?! Im young and decent looking, what good has it done me? Living like a hermit! And you always rub it in! Makes me not want to go on! Mum, at least you pity me! Ive carried this burden for years If only Id known, Id never have let him go!
Whats done is done, love. No good fretting about it!
Mum!
What?! You have a child, raise her! Or write to her father! Maybe hell take her?
Give Emily to him?! Never! He didnt want to know anything about her! Now, just hand him a ready-made child? Not a chance! I havent worked my hands to the bone for him to just show up and take her!
Well then, stop complaining! She can hear you, you know! Think its not upsetting? Knowing her fathers a scoundrel and her mothers working herself to death?
Let her be upset! Lifes not all sunshine. Sometimes it knocks you sideways! Enough, Mum! Lets drop it! And dont you dare write to Harry yourself! I know what youre like!”
Gran stuck to that, for a while.
Emily was getting ready for her GCSEs when they had word from the city. Her mum had given birth to a baby boy, but a week later passed away, never explaining a thing to anyone.
The mystery of Emilys birth might have lingered behind closed doors, had it not been for her stubbornness.
When Gran received the news, she packed up and left, leaving Emily in charge, strict instructions to manage the house.
We cant waste time with tears, pet Gran muttered as she wrapped a black shawl tighter around herself. How are we going to get by what will we do
Gran, Ill work!
Wait and see. The baby needs sorting first. His father has taken him but refuses to actually look after him. And me Can we manage, Emily?
Do we have a choice? Gran, I grew up more or less without Mum. Were not sending him to care, surely?!
I know, love Only Im scared. Not sure how long Ive got left
Gran departed, and Emily turned the house upside downher mothers rules meant nothing now.
It was time to find her father; she and Gran couldnt manage alone.
Shed known what to do since she was littleeven before she could write, shed drawn messages to her dad and tucked them away, hidden from Mum and Gran. She drew stories showing her father the arrival of a new kitten, or learning to bake with Gran. Gran discovered those sketchbooks under Emilys bed once, but didnt say a word. She tried to talk sense into Susan again, but gave up, seeing only her daughters relentless bitterness toward the man who wandered the world, unwilling to even see his child. Susan forgot that he didnt even know he had a daughter.
When Emily started school, the pictures became awkward, clumsy letters. They filled entire notebooksher joys, sorrows, grudges and victories.
Now, at last, she would write the most important letterthe one she would finally send.
She found his address at last. Her mother had hidden the dog-eared envelope so well that Emily would never have found it had she not dropped a picture frame while dusting. Glass shattered over her mums old portrait, and, frustrated, Emily scolded herself, Mum always said I was hopeless.
The corner of a battered white envelope stuck out from behind the photograph as she brushed away the shards.
Whats this?” Emily pulled it free, and, realizing what shed found, burst into louder tears. Mum, why? What did I do?
She sat on the floor for ages, telling her mother everything shed bottled up, asking forgiveness for things even she didnt understand.
But the weight didnt lift.
Sorry, Mum, but I cant obey you. You never wanted me to write to DadI know. But I need him. Gran says she wont last forever I get angry when she says that, but I know shes right. We cant manage on our own. If he really is the scoundrel you said, at least Ill know for sure, then Ill only rely on myself. But maybe he isnt? Sorry, Mum, but I dont really believe you. Always saying Im like a man Ive never even met! How would I know what hes like? Dont be crossI just want to see him. Hear what he has to say.”
It never occurred to her that the person whod once written to her mother might have moved.
She didnt think at allshe just acted.
After an evening and half the night spent hunched over a torn piece from an old exercise book, Emily finally managed three lines. She poured in all her hurt, a plea for help, a hope her father would listen.
She posted the letter that morning on her way to school. When she got back, Gran was at home, a tiny, squirming baby in her arms.
There, Emily This is little Alex your brother Gran sniffled, turning away as she wrapped him in blankets while Emily stared, fascinated.
Gran, whys he so small?
Hes normal, love. You were smallershorter and lighter.
Really?
Mm. And look how youve grown. Hell soon catch up.
Gran, what about his dad
He said hell help but wont be taking him. Too busy.
Well, thats something Emily mimicked Grans gruff tone so perfectly Gran had to smile in spite of herself.
Oh, Emily! Will we cope?
What choice do we have? Well manage, Gran! Just like everyone else with kids. Anyway, Kirsty Youngs got nine of them, and shes not complaining! Shes bringing over some things for the baby, bits left from the twins, some brand-new. The kids grew so quick they barely wore anything. Is that true, Gran?”
What? That kids grow up fast? Yes, pet, faster than you realise. Only yesterday I had your mum in my arms, and now shes gone
Dont cry, Gran! Or Ill start too! And this one will as well, look, hes about to go! What does he want? Is he wet?
Probably hungry. What time is it? Oh, Lord! Time for a feed!
Gran bustled around, handing Alex to Emily. Hold him, love! Dont worry, you wont drop him. Youre strong and clever, my girl. God willing, so will he be!
Emily froze.
In her arms lay living, breathing proof that she wasnt alone anymore. How many years had she hoped for someone to need her as much as she needed them? Gran and Mum didnt countthey always had their own ideas of who-needed-whom and why.
Youll be off, soon as youre grown, and then well be of no use to you! her mother used to say when Emily asked about the future.
But Emily longed to hear that theyd be a family always, like Kirsty Youngschaotic and bustling, three generations under one roof, children running laughing through the house, everyone warming everyone else.
Kirsty lived with her parents and in-laws, calling them all Mum and Dad alike, running the house with a firm hand, knowing her responsibility as mother and wife was to give those children happiness. Her husband agreed, settling any quarrels at the start with a friendly warning:
Oi! Tidy up! No need to raise voices, were family here!
Hearing that once, Emily made a noteThats how life should be. Remember: family is everything.
If only she had more than just Gran and Mum
Now, finally, she did.
And though this little chap, noisily sucking his thumb and wrinkling his nose, was only a few weeks old, she knew instantlythis was forever. He needed her, and she needed him, and no matter how big he grew, to her hed always be this warm, precious weight in her arms.
Emily learnt quickly how to look after her brotherespecially after a breathless Kirsty dashed over one day, deftly unwrapping Alexs blankets, grinning at his skinny little arms and legs:
Hello, little man! Shouting already, good for you! Practise those lungs! Right, Emily, watch carefully! Nothing hard about it, really! Ill show you how to bathe and settle him, after that youll be fine. Wheres your Gran?
She went to town this morning for official papers. Said it was urgent, so there wont be problems later. Shes shown me everything but I thought Id check with you as well
Whys that? Grans advice not good enough? Kirsty frowned.
No, no! JustGran says shes already forgotten what babies are like. You remember, though
Too right! Kirstys youngest twins were barely a year old. Feels like yesterday!
So I thought youd explain how to look after Alex properly. Im nervous, Kirsty! Hes so tiny
Dont worry, Emily! Well manage! Kirsty grabbed a fresh nappy and wrapped Alex, who instantly settled. Back in the day, girls would be married off young. By those standards, youd have had two by now. Of course youll cope!
Emily watched Kirstys hands closely, thinking she wasnt ready for motherhood herself. Bottles and nappies werent everything You needed to love your children. But how did you do that?
Alex taught her brilliantly. Emily didnt just rush home from school nowshe flew, because Alex was waiting. And that first gummy smile was for her, not Gran. He learnt her name before any other word.
Emmy! hed shout, toddling across the garden to greet her.
Im here, my darling! Come give me a cuddle!
His little arms wrapped round her neck, and Emily melted, peppering his grubby cheeks with kisses.
Whereve you been? Whys your face a state? Lets get you cleaned up.
With Emily, Alex could take anythingeven soap and a flannel. Gran laughed to see her chase the squirming boy round the kitchen:
Slippery as an eel, that one! Hold on tight, Emily, or hell bash his nose!
Amid the daily bustle, Emily forgot all about the letter shed written her father. No reply ever came, and she decided silence was an answer in itself. If he didnt write back, he didnt want her.
The sting of hurt wriggled a bit in her heart but soon grew quiet. Emily had no time for herself. Alex took up all her thoughts.
Gran often tried to talk university, but Emily wanted none of it.
Gran, you know its impossible! If I go, Ill have to move to the city. What will happen to you both on your own? No way, were not even discussing it!
Gran kept pushing. Emily got angryshe could easily find work in the village, on the farm, or in Kirstys new shop, where a helping hand was always needed.
But Gran wouldnt let it drop.
Emily! Your mum wasted her life, dont you go the same way! I only want whats best for you!
I know, Gran, but stop pushing! Some things are more important than a degree!
It was at the height of these arguments that someone appeared whom Emily had long since given up hoping to see.
She was walking home with Alex from Kirstys one evening. Her brother, worn out by the twins, was grumpy but trailed behind obedientlyhe knew Emily meant business if she said it was bedtime. By the gate, he tugged at her dress.
Emmy! Pick me up!
Emily obliged, with a smile at his bossy little Up!
She pushed open the gate and made for the housethen stopped still. On the porch was a stranger, precariously balanced on a wobbly stool, fiddling with the overhead lampthe one that hadnt worked in all Emilys memory.
There! You beauty! the stranger beamed as the bulb lit up and hopped down.
Finally, he noticed Emily and Alex, watching him in silence.
Love
Harry took a step, then another, and swept up Emily and Alex together, ignoring her startled attempt to pull away.
My girl
Emily saw with astonishment tears glittering in the strangers eyes.
Forgive me, sweetheart! I never knew about you! Is this your little one? He nodded to Alex, who was staring wide-eyed at the unfamiliar man in their porch. Will you let your grandad hold you? Come here, my dear boy, let me have a look at you!
Only then did Emily realise who stood before her.
Hes not hes not mine! I mean hes my brother, Alex. Mums child. Not mine.
I see! Harry pulled the boy close. For some reason, Alex made no fuss, but leaned into the mans embrace, rubbing his cheek on his stubbly chin.
Scratchy!
Not a problem, little man! Ill shave, just for you! Come on, love, lets go inside. The midges out here are dreadfuldevoured me already!
Were right beside the river, Dad
I remember
Gran only needed to give Emily a single look, and she knewthe grown-ups had come to an understanding. Thered be peace. So why hold a grudge?
What did it matter what mum and dad had been to each other before she was born? All that mattered was that the family had grown, and that was cause for gratitude.
Watching Alex twirl around her fathers ankles, Emily understoodthis is how it would be, from now on. At last, there was a man in the house. And that was a good thing.
Much later, Emily would learn that her letter hadnt got lostjust that Dad no longer lived there. A young woman, finding Emilys note, went out of her way to track down the previous occupant and pass along the letter. It took months. And then, the battered envelope sat for ages while Dad was away at sea.
The moment I got your letter, love, I came running! I thought I was all alone in the world! I wrote to your mum, you know, more than once, begging her to give us a chanceto be a family.
And she?
She only replied once, said shed remarried, and asked me not to disturb her again. So I didnt Oh, Emily, if only Id known! Id have swum back if I had to! Lord, what did I do to deserve such happiness? Will you come with me? Ive a flat in Portsmouth. Spacious, full of light! You can see the sea and the sunsets make you believe in life again!
Dad, I cant
Why not?
I cant leave Alex and Gran behind! It wouldnt be right!
No one said you should! Theres plenty of space. Enough for all of us. You need to study, love! Gran will care for Alex, and you can get yourself into university.
How? How will we all live? Gran and I barely manage as it is! Alexs father, though he promised, never pays a penny. Never helps in any way! Acted like hed never had a sonhasnt visited in over a year. Only came once, stayed ten minutes, left again. Just wanted proof Alex was alive, then vanished.
Are you trying to offend me, love? Harry frowned, and Emily nearly laughedhe looked so much like grumpy little Alex. What are you smirking for? Im a man, arent I? Dyou really think I cant provide for two ladies and a lad? Come on, get packing! Grans already agreed to the move. All we needed was your say-so. And now we have it, yes?
Yes, Dad. Yes
She would hug her father, blessing the day shed thought to write that letter. Then, Emily would move with him to the distant sea, which, despite its name, wouldnt always be calm.
And though Emilys life would rarely be peacefulthered be storms and calm enough for three oceansshed always know there was a safe harbour where she belonged, whatever happened.
And in that harbour, it would always be warm and welcoming. Her family would be waiting, and thered be the scent of Grans cabbage pastiesones Emily would never master, no matter how hard Gran tried to teach her.
And thered always be a wild-haired boy, greeting his sister with a voice just breaking, but already deep.
Hi! Dad said youd pop by! Em, I missed you!
I missed you, too, my darling. I missed you.She stepped inside, the familiar jumble of voices and laughter wrapping around her like a worn, beloved quilt. In the hum of the kitchen, Gran was bickering gently with Dad over how much filling to put in the pasties; Alex pounded the table demanding a taste; and out the window, the sun spilled gold across the crooked garden path.
As Emily set down her bag, heart brimming, she realised: it wasnt the sea or the city or even the right address that made a family. It was letters sent, even if they took the long way. It was the courage to reach out, again and again, until one day, someone reached back.
She caught her fathers eye, saw the quiet promise there, and smiled.
Togetherscattered roots, mended heartsthey would build something better than longing: a home filled with second chances, laughter, and love fierce as the tide. And no matter how far lifes winds might carry her, Emily knew shed always find her way back here, where she truly belonged.
