The Subjunctive Mood
A proposal? Hes proposed to you? Julia, are you off your rocker? What is there even to think about!?
Its complicated, Olivia
Oh, not this again! Olivia flung her coat on a chair and plopped down at the table. Whew! I dashed here! Ive got half an hour before I have to take Maisie to ballet and Lennie to football.
Ollie, the lads nearly six. How much longer are you calling him Lennie?
He should count his blessings I still let him get away with that! Can you believe, yesterday he marched in from nursery, solemn as a judge, and announced hed fallen in love. With Lisa from next door, no less! Declared hes going to get married. How dyou like them apples?
And?
Apparently, completely normal for my offspring. Remember yourself!
Dont you start! Recall what my mum put me through when I said I was getting married? Olivia snorted. How old was I, fifteen?
Fourteen! And you nearly sent Mum into cardiac arrest. Mummy, Ive decided! you said. Didnt matter that your precious Paul was paying absolutely no attention to little Livvy.
So? In the end he married me, and now Im reaping the rewards of my own dramatic tendencies. Honestly, all Mum got me to do was wash up for the whole house for a year as a punishment! Couldve been worse, really. Shouldve grounded me instead!
No one could ground you, lets be honest! Plus, Mum always knew youd keep your head, and all your dramatic shows were pure fluff. You always had your wits.
Oh, sure. Especially when it came to you! Remember those fights? Couldnt stand you as a kid! Saint Juliathe perfect princess, and methe family delinquent.
Mum never said that.
Gran took up the slack though! Always muttering about me bringing shame on the family. And? Who actually caused the drama?
Well, I cant claim I behaved brilliantly myself Julia nudged her mug aside and sighed.
Julia Olivia reached across and squeezed her sisters hand. Whats bothering you?
Im scared, Ollie
Heavens, of what!? Youve finally met a decent man and youre bottling it! Whats not right?
I dont think hell accept Max
Olivia frowned. Why dyou think that?
Its just, Ollie, yesterday, after the roses and this ring, he asked if I could send Max to my parents for a bit
Julia turned to the window, fiddling with the ring on her finger.
The ring was beautiful and expensivewhich, frankly, was expected of Charles, Julias beloved. Successful business, loves his sport and a decent tune, and, of course, charming. His mother always used to say:
Son, a woman will go through hard times with you if she believes in you. But shell think twice about staying if you could make things better and dont. Thats not even cynicism, its practical. If she sees youre able but unwilling, shell wonder if that attitude will apply to her children one day.
Mum, why think children? he asked.
Do you remember the story about Cinderella? shed smile. Most women have a bit of Cinderella in themwere programmed to consider the next hundred steps. Its what keeps us, more often than not, off lifes hard shoulder.
And Charles took his mothers words seriously, having watched her raise him single-handedly after his father, upon finding a new soulmate, packed them both off without a backward glance.
Charles mum, Kate, grew up in a nowhere village and, after escaping to university, never looked back. With no one and nothing, she slogged it in grotty bedsits, worked several jobs, and, eventually, married not for love but for stabilityfor Charles benefit. She never told him that, of course.
When she was left on her own, finding work was a slog. A friend hooked her up as a housekeeper for a lonely, retired professor, Mr. Archer, who quickly became attached to Charles.
Come along now, Mr. Archer, lunch is getting cold.
Later, Kate, later.
Now, Arthur, no excuses. You know better than that.
She ended up running his whole worldand so did Charles. A year or so in, Arthur called Kate in, prowled restlessly, then finally said:
Look, Kateits a practical matter. Id like you to marry me. Not because my hearts forgotten my wifeit never willbut because you and Charles have become family. Ive no heirs, and youve no security. If youll accept, Id like to provide for you and the boy.
Kate, after weighing the offer, agreed. Not for herself, but so Charles wouldnt end up on the outside looking in.
Their marriage was quiet, understated and for convenience, but gave Charles a real father, not just one in name. Later, with Arthurs encouragement, Kate went to university, got her degree, and started a cleaning and catering business, thriving in her new life, while Arthur doted on Charles as if he were his own.
As for Charles biological dadhe ghosted them with barely a good luck and never got back in touch.
When Arthur eventually passed, Charles was nineteen and Kate finally told him the truth.
Mum, he really did love me, didnt he?
He did, darling, more than I have words for. There was never anyone more proud.
Charles took all that, the lessons and the love, to heart. So when Julia came into his lifeson in towKate was delighted. Surely her boy would be happy now. Julias maternal status didnt put her off.
Fine, Charles, but are you prepared for the responsibility?
Mum, give me a bit of credit. Im not exactly clueless about all this. But what if Max doesnt accept me?
Oh, dont be daft. If you want to win the woman over, win over her lad first. Thats Parenting 101. For any mother, her childs at the top of the list.
Mum!
Dont Mum meyou cant half be precious! Win the boy, win the mum. But youre not playing house herethis is a life, not an accessory in a pram. Julias strong; if you bail on her, shell be alright. The boy, though, is another matter. You need to mean it.
Charles took Mums pep talk and worked up a plan. First objective: propose. Done. Now Julia was sitting in her favourite café with her sister, panicking about the future.
Olivia, shifting on her seat, couldnt help but question her sister: So what did Charles actually say?
Who? Julia, lost in her own thoughts, blinked.
Who dyou think? Charles! What exactly did he say about Max?
Nothing solid. Just asked if I could arrange for my parents to have Max for a week after the wedding.
In a most un-Julia-like fashion, she lobbed her spoon onto the table. The clatter attracted the waiters attention, but Olivia waved him off, then picked up the spoon, thoughtfully licked off a bit of custard and, like a proper older sister, gave Julia a tap on the forehead.
Ow! Seriously, Ollie! Bruise incoming!
Oh, dont be such a drama queen! Im a pro by now. Remember?
Of course. But really, between the two of us, childhoods long gone, hasnt it?
Was it gone when you found out you were having Max?
Probably before.
Exactly! We grew up quick, and lifes been relentless ever since.
Go on.
Theres just one thing that gnaws away at me: what wouldve happened if youd told anyone about your thing with Nick? Even me?
I honestly dont know But its done now, isnt it?
True, but listen, youre still terrible at saying whats on your mind to the people who love you.
Julia sighed, reaching for her spoon. Perhaps youre right
Not perhapsdefinitely! Need a refresher on how Max came about?
No, I remember, thanks!
Im not sure you do.
Julia turned away, breathing deep. Olivia could be infuriating but always had a point. Max arrived, not thanks to supportive circumstances, but in spite of everything.
Maxs dad, Nick, was Julias classmate. She used to swoon at so much as a smile from him, and her romantic hopes blinded her. On prom night, Nick reeled her out of the hall, knowing full well her parents were absent, and the rest is well, unnecessary detail.
Why she went along, Julia never figured out, but she kept her secret, even from Mum, and agonised on the riverbank during a family holiday, mulling what to do now the damage was done. The truth would have to come out, and by the time it did, Olivia rallied the local squad, made a bit of noise at Nicks expense, and offered her own version of sisterly support.
When their parents finally found out, it was all tears and dramauntil Dad walked in, took stock of his weeping women and announced, Good lord, girls, youve lost the plot! Were getting a grandchild! Brilliant news. Right, Julia, no more crying. You need to stay calm.
Julia could hardly believe the reliefher family, for all their quirks, simply accepted her. And so Max grew up in a happy, unconventional home, surrounded by people who saw his existence as a delight, not a disaster.
Julia, with their support, got her education and built a life where she never quite needed anyonebut Charless arrival was unsettling that hard-earned peace.
Could she risk Maxs future, just for her own longings?
Shed already made mistakes. If it wasnt for her parents and Olivia, who knows how things might have turned out? She had a familyshouldnt that be enough?
Her doubts were so transparent that Olivia, amused, called the waiter for a large spoon and another round of eclairs for nerves. Jules, for goodness sake, learn to actually talk to the people around you. Especially Charles. He seems pretty top-drawer to me. Just ask him whats up with this sending-Max-to-the-parents business. Honestly, how hard is that?
I suppose youre right
Just ask. Now. Go on!
Olivia grabbed Julias phone and waggled it at her. Ring him!
Ollie! Hes in a meeting!
So? Nows the time to see how important you really are.
Ollie, thats not on.
Nonsense. If you cant call, at least send him a message.
What will he think?
Does it matter?! Jules, youre wearing his engagement ring. Isnt that a rather significant clue? Are you in or are you out?
Im still thinking.
If you havent said no, youve said yes in my book! How are you going to have a relationship if you cant ask him basic questions? Hes not a mind reader! Spell it out! Forget mucking about with ifs and butsjust ask what you want.
Julia, close to tears, took the phone. Just ask, you think?
Just ask! Olivia was weary now.
A reply came almost instantlyJulias phone chirruped, and the message made her smile.
See? Satisfied? Olivia checked her watch. BlimeyIm late! Some get the sea and sun, others get endless school runs. Chin up, sis. Hes right, you know! A week for the two of you, then a week for all threejust what a grown-up relationship needs. Honestly, I envy you. My Paul would never have been so thoughtful. Now, go talk to Max. I suspect hed quite like to start calling Charles Dad, you know.
You reckon?
I know. Not that you heard it from me.
Olivia snatched her coat and bolted. At the door, she twirled, pulled a face and tapped her templeThink! she mouthed.
And Julia did think.
And her thoughts bore fruit.
Three years later, proud Max accepted his baby sister from his stepdads arms, nodded, and saidcheeky smile and allMum, shes perfect, isnt she?
Maxcareful! Julia stepped forward in alarm, but Charles put his arm around her, gently holding her back from interfering in brother and sisters first meeting.
Its alright, hell manage. Right, son?
Dad! Please, trust me. Max gingerly lifted the edge of the frilly blanket (theyd agonised for hours picking it out), smiled, and said, Shes lovely, MumCharles caught Julias eye and grinned, the lines at his temples deepening in that way she loved. I do trust you, Max. Youve got this.
Max, solemn as a little professor, tucked his baby sister more securely in his arms. The tiny bundle squinted up at him with wonder, her lips pursed as if she too was weighing the seriousness of this new bond. The sun filtered through the kitchen window, catching golden threads in her hair, and for a suspended moment, all the noise of the pastthe doubts, the ifs, the could-have-beensmelted away.
Julia reached for Charless hand, her heart pounding with gratitude and a little disbelief. How strange and wonderful it was, seeing all these familiar facesher sister bustling in with an armful of flowers, Mum and Dad squabbling over the best angle for a family photo, Olivias kids racing in the gardendrawn together by a series of risks once taken, questions once asked.
She squeezed Charless fingers. You know, I never thought Id be brave enough.
He kissed her temple. It was never about not being bravejust daring to imagine it turning out this well.
As laughter rose around them, Julia knelt beside Max and brushed back his hair. What do you think, sweetheart?
Max nodded sagely, awed by his tiny charge. Shes got Mums eyes, he pronounced, but her ears are definitely yours, Dad.
Charles feigned outrage, grinning. Brave lad, telling it as it is.
Julia laughed so hard tears sprang to her eyesjoyful, grateful tears that carried away the dust of old regrets.
That night, after everyone else was gone, Julia lingered in the hush, leaning into Charless warmth on the sofa, their new daughter cradled between them and Max sprawled sleepily at their feet.
Promise me something, she whispered.
Anything.
If I ever start speaking in maybes or ifs again, all my old subjunctive moods, just remind mehere, now, us. Remind me life can be simple too.
He smiled and brushed her cheek. No more ifs. Only what is.
And all at oncebetween one heartbeat and the nextJulia knew shed arrived at the answer that mattered most. Here, in this warm tangle of family, was all the certainty shed ever need.
