Exam
“Ive had enough! Thats it! If you dont stop harping on at me, I just wont do it! Ill skip the exam entirely! Ill just stay home, see how you like that! What will you do then, eh?!” Emily hurled her backpack into the hallway corner and ripped her beanie off.
Mum didnt say a word. She only shook her head and walked off into the kitchen.
Emily shrugged off her coat and had half a mind to toss it after her bag, but then changed her mind. She opened the cupboard, carefully hung it up, and sighed.
For heavens sake, another row And about nothing, as always!
Why did her mum always have to interrogate and lecture her? What was she, a child? Or was there something wrong with her?
Of course, Emily hadnt forgotten she had a session with yet another English tutor today. There was no need for a reminder every half hour!
Truth be told, her mum wasn’t that bad. She didnt constantly pester her, repeating the same things. Shed just asked if Emily remembered she had her third English tutor of the year starting today. But the fact her mum still tried to oversee everything bothered Emily so much that her temper flared at the faintest provocation, whether it was justified or not.
She washed her hands and stared at herself in the mirror above the sink.
What a picture! Spots, her dads pudgy nose, and frizzy ginger hair just like Mums. Shed begged a hundred times to dye it, but her mother wouldn’t budge. Beautys not something you buy, shed say. Youll thank me one day.
Yeah, right! Everyone else looks normal and here she is, a total scarecrow! Plaits What sort of girl wears plaits these days?
Emily couldnt help but smile, remembering how upset her mum had been the time shed cut off her hated plaits as a kid with a blunt pair of craft scissors. It was all she could find. Eyes squeezed shut, shed hacked through the stubborn hair, steel-jawed and steely-eyed, while already imagining her mothers shocked, Emily, why?
Why indeed! Because she was tired of being bossed about! It was her life, her rules, and shed do as she liked!
Everyone was always going on and on about obedience. What for? Their old-fashioned ways didnt suit her. She had her own, bigger-than-life plans. How could her parents possibly understand her when, in their day, there wasnt even the internet? How did they manage back then? No idea. And trying to explain that things were all different nowit was hopeless. You didnt need all that tedious education and hours hunched over books; you just tapped on a screen and everything you needed, anything at all, was there in seconds. Sure, Mum went on about how no website would teach you to be a proper person, or how to talk to people, but what did she know? Shed be better off watching some online seminars on dealing with teenagersfor a change, she might actually learn something.
Emily picked at the scab on another spot and grimaced. At least Mum wasnt lookingotherwise shed have an earful. Her mother had dragged her to doctors, claiming shed be scarred for life, but Emily couldnt care less. People should care about who you are inside, not how you look. How could she get that across to her mother?
What a wordmother… Sure, her mum had given birth to her, but that didnt mean she owned her! Emily wasnt her property! Treating her like this was just plain wrong.
She winked at her reflection.
Whats your problem, Mum? Thatll teach you for dragging me to endless tutors! And dont try to shove lawyer down my throat. She already knew more about law and rights than either of her parents. If only they were half as clued-up, theyd have divorced properly instead of making such a mess.
Her mother had no pride, no ambition! Not only did Emilys dad leave for someone younger and more exciting, but he took what he wanted in the divorce and Mum didnt even argue. The flat her nan left had gone to Emily, but that was only right! All her mother got was the child maintenance. Nothing else. No compensation for wasted years. Emily knew exactly what went on between her parents those last five years. She wasnt the little Ducky Dad used to call her, not anymore! She saw it all, understood it all!
The silent resentment that showed every time Mum placed dinner on the table… The blank, dry thanks Dad gave for the meal… The sofa in that tiny back room where there wasnt room for a wardrobe, so every morning hed come into the bedroom for his things… Mum setting her alarm extra early so he wouldnt find her asleep there… The relief when Emily finally turned fourteen and told them herself to split up and stop winding each other up. How much longer could it have gone on?
Honestly, adults are strange. All that we live for you and youre the centre of our world is complete rubbish. Everyone lives for themselves. They dont care about anyone elsejust their own interests. And Emily could give countless examples. Even when it came to her, her parents only ever saw their convenience. She was just a bargaining chip the whole time.
Take the flat they now lived in. Same building, different staircase, one room fewer than before. Used to be three bedrooms, now just two. Sure, it was newly done up and nicely furnished, but the only reason her mum wanted it was to channel Dads guilt over Emily. Because a child needs decent living conditions, right? When he moved on, he still had to ensure his daughter had everything. And Dad gave in to all her mums requests. Emilys room was bigger than her last one, but not out of any real careit was just because her parents had to divvy up joint property. Emily was a bumper between them.
She pulled a face but took the ointment from the shelf that the GP had recommended. It didnt mean her mum was right; it just happened to help. With any luck, those spots would clear up faster tonight.
Because tonight because of the roof…
The roof became part of Emily’s reality only a few months back. That was when Tomthe guy Emily admired from afar and never dreamed shed even speak tomessaged her: Wanna meet up?
At first, she thought it was someones cruel joke, everyone at school knew she was smitten with Tom. Theyd teased her now and then, gently, because Emily was well-likedshe was never unkind, always helped with homework, and would put her hand up in lessons to spare her classmates.
Emily Thompson! I asked you last time, whyve you got your hand up?
Oh, Mrs Robinson, its just, this topics so interesting! You tell me, was Charles I really so bad, do you think he was a tyrant?
And the fierce history teacher, who terrified the lot of them, couldnt resist Emilys trap, and the class would sigh with relief, knowing they were off the hook for another quiz.
So when Emily showed the message to her frenemy Abigail, she just snorted:
And? Why the panic?
Is it really from him?
Emily, seriously? Go ask! Why are you acting all coy? This is the twenty-first century! Girls invite boys out all the timewhat are you scared of?
Emily didnt answer. There was no way to explain the thunderstorm inside her after reading Toms single-word message.
She went. And her life changed from that moment.
The rooftop of a deserted tower block was hardly the safest place, but thats where the teens hung out. Emily knew that. But every time Tom took her by the hand and said, Watch your step! her heart pounded, and she counted the stairs under her breath.
Fifteen sixteen Go on! Thirty-two, thirty-three What are you afraid of? Hes here
It was on the rooftop that Tom first put his arm round her, right in front of everyone, announcing silently, Shes my girl now.
Nobody objectedthe girls from his old class, whod known him for ages, just stared. Hed chosen Emily over them, for some reason.
It was on the rooftop, too, where he first kissed her
That evening, everyone else went to the cinemas, but when Tom squeezed her hand and whispered they’d go together, just the two of them, she agreed to stay. She knew the night would be special.
And so it was. Sometimes, even now, shed freeze at random moments, close her eyes, and hear his voice
Em, I really like you Im no good at saying things, but I want you to knowIve never met anyone like you May I?
His lipswarm, gentle, strangely sweet
Emily closed her eyes, chasing that feeling, until a soft knock at the door startled her; her mother:
Emily, youll be late… Lunch is on the table.
Irritation swept over Emily like a wave. Not again!
She burst from the bathroom like a tornado, face stormy, looking like that meme with the furious, winged lady hissing at someone.
What do you want from me?! I remember everything! Stop pestering! Dads left you, didnt he? Now its my turn, is it? Well, Ill leave too! Ill go live with Dad! Got it? If you dont
She never finished. Mum exhaled strangely and, without warning, slapped her across the face.
Go then! And if you come back this evening, dont forget you have a practice English paper tomorrow. You need some sleep
Emily was dumbfounded. Her mum had never hit her before, not once in her short life. Oddly, she wasnt all that upset; she probably deserved it. But the fact that her mum had finally lost patience was a shock.
But Emily was never one to back down. Backpack, jacket, headphones She wanted to slam the door so the whole block would shake, but she held back. No need to seem melodramatic.
She dashed out and glanced at the time. An hour for travel, an hour with the tutor; she couldnt see Tom before six. Fine by hertheyd sit on the roof, and Mum could stew for a bit. Might do her some good. Dad never answered her calls first time these days, so Emily would have time to chat with Tom. Maybe hed have advice; his parents never interfered. He had his own bank card (with a set limit, of course), the best clothes, total freedom. He said his mum was always busy and his dad believed sixteen was old enough to stand on your own feetlet him get on with exams and the rest.
If only her mum was half as switched-on
Her dad rang as she reached her tutors house.
Whats going on there now? Your mums saying youre moving in with me?
Oh Dad, dont listen to her! Why are you making your problems mine? Your Kate will have the baby any minute, and what am I meant to do, babysit for you? Ive plenty on my own plate!
Right. Dont row with your mother, Emor your bank cards frozen, okay?
Thats what I love, Dad, straight to the point! Got it!
Good girl! And stop giving your mum grief. She doesnt deserve it.
There was the beep of the dial tone, and Emily scowled.
Always the same! At each others throats, but if it concerned her, suddenly theyre a united front. Weird, that. Really weird.
The new tutor wasnt to Emilys taste. When she started on about idioms, he practically snorted and handed her a book to read for next week. She almost kicked off, but after hearing a few of his examples, she decided reading the extra chapters wouldnt do her any harm.
She had no wish to be the dopey one in the group. Tom was smart, after allshe ought to keep up, right? All those videos shed watched about relationships said the same thing: A girls got to be independent and clever! She wasnt ready to talk about independence, but clevernesswell, that could be built over time. That much, at least, Mum was right about. Shed managed to finish her own course and earn a diploma, even while juggling Emily and plotting her divorce.
Mum had quit university when she had Emily, gone on leave, then decided family was more important. Emily had health troubles when she was little and no grannies were around to help. She barely lasted at nursery half a yearafter a week there, shed be ill for a month or more, and she hated it anyway. Horrid porridge, horrid children, no mums arms for comfort. Even Dad once said:
You dont let her out of your sight. Shes used to you always being there. Thats not healthy. Itll be tough on her later.
When she went to year two, Mum arranged for the neighbour to pick her up and went back to uni on a part-time course, and found herself a job as well.
Too right. Otherwise shed be scraping pennies now and miserable. At least she had her own little businessdecorating function rooms. Emily liked what her mum did. It was beautiful, creative, and feminine. At work, Mum seemed a different personconfident, giving instructions to her staff, truly impressive. Emily sometimes wished she could be that strong.
But parental controlnow, that was exhausting. Emily had to agree with Dad about that. It wore you down! Sure, shed trained her mother to always knock on her door before entering and mostly kept her out of her business, but she still managed to monitor everything Emily did. Not with threats like Dad, but with gentle, endless,
Em, hows it going? Whats planned for today? Are you hungry?
That constant kindness drove Emily up the wall, made her want to yell,
Leave me alone! Im grown up already!
Sometimes she actually did. Shed raise her voice, stomp her feet, and get cross that Mum brushed it off as childish.
After tutoring, Emily rushed to meet Tom, desperate for his embrace and a couple of hours escape from parents, exams, and all the rest. Life was passing by, and yet all they did was fuss!
At the school gate where she and Tom usually met, he wasnt there. She waited a bit, then decided to go to the rooftop alone. Tom wasnt answering her calls, which was unlike him, so she worried.
Her legs felt heavy on the stairs. Before, shed raced up, fingers entwined with Toms, but now every step seemed hard.
The rooftop greeted her with a chilly gust of March wind and silence.
No one there. Not a soul
Emily was about to leave, already reaching for her phone to use the torch, when something shifted near the edge. She froze, holding back a startled cry as she recognised the silhouette.
Tom
He was perched on the very edge, feet dangling over the precipice, shoulders slumped. Even though shed only really known him a short while, Emily understood at oncehe was in pain, something serious, something frightening. That pose, so unlike the Tom she knew, frightened her.
Terrified of what might happen, Emily stepped forward, left her backpack on the step, walked out onto the roof, and softly said,
Hey
She sat on the ledge nearby, not daring to let her legs dangle below. Shed feared heights since childhoodshe had no idea what gave her the strength to come up here at all, except she was more scared of leaving him alone.
Hey Tom didnt even look at her. Emily found his hand and gently squeezed his ice-cold fingers.
Youre freezing
Huh? Her words finally made him look up, those usually bright eyes now staring at her, empty and lost, both frightening and somehow endearing.
Maybe this was the first time Emily properly understood what her mum must feel during their fights and arguments. That raw fear you cant reach the person you love
For the first time, she truly understood itholding Toms limp, cold hand.
How are you?
She almost didnt recognise her own voiceit sounded just like Mums. The same warmth, the same insistence
Tell me! Tell me whats wrong! Let me in! Im not your enemy.
And it worked.
Awful, Tom echoed. But he squeezed her hand. Really awful, Em.
Something happened.
She wasnt asking, just stating a fact. That worked too.
Yeah.
Can I know what? I know we might not be that close, but maybe youd like to talk?
Tom looked at her in such a strange way she shivered.
You dont think were close?
No. You misunderstood. I think youre the closest person in the world to mebut I don’t know if you feel the same.
Em, youre all I have.
Her heart skipped, then beat so hard she was sure he could hear it thundering.
Why all? What about your parents? She blurted it out, still dazed. But Toms reaction brought her back to earth.
He flinched, shaking his head, making Emily gasp.
Be careful!
Yeah! Hold me! Or better yet, push me! Like they did!
Who?!
The people I called my parents! They arent! Not really! I found out todaythey gave me my papers and told me how they adopted me. I always guessed. But its not my life, Em! I took someone elses place, you see? Not my own!
Tom was crying out now, and Emily clung to his hand, afraid to loosen her grip for even a second, terrified hed throw himself off with the next gust of wind.
She was sure, deep down, thats exactly what hed come up here for.
He might act tough for everyone else, but here with her, all the bravado melted away. She saw the real Tom, gentle, fragile. It made her feel horribly ashamed for her anger at her parents, and all her petty rages.
If anyone had asked earlier, she couldnt have said exactly what was unfair about her own lot. But now, realising Tom’s world had truly been turned upside down, Emily understood all her battles for adulthood were meaningless. This was someone whod become an adult in a single, crushing momentand he was completely alone.
Im scared, Tom! And suddenly, Emily found herself in tearsand this snapped Tom to his senses.
Hey, whats wrong? He reached out and she wrapped her arms around him, holding tight as though to hold him together.
Dont do itplease! I dont care if your family threw you out. Im not going anywhere, understand? Theres nobody I care about more than you, Tom!
Im not Tom He said it in such a dull, strange voice, she had to look up, squinting through the tears.
What?
My name wasnt Tom. Not really.
What was it?
Alex. And my surname was different, too.
That doesnt matter! Who cares? You could be the Pope for all I care. I know you. Thats enough. Do you hear me?!
Yeah. But not everyone will feel the same, Em What am I supposed to do now? Where do I go?
Cant you go home? Did they really chuck you out?
No. Mum was in tears, begging me to stay. But Dad I hit him.
Why?
He tried to lock me in, wouldnt let me go. He yelled that I didnt understand anything
Did you? Do you understand, all of it? Are you sure?
What do you mean? What else is there to understand, Emily?! Toms voice rang out, tight as a bowstring, almost painful.
Why did they choose to tell you now?
That question hung in the night air. Tom shrank in on himself, clearly lost in thought.
I dont know he finally admitted, and Emily exhaled in relief.
His voice was a question now, not despair, and she sensed as long as Tom was searching for answers, the edge of the roof was only a memory.
Would you like me to come with you?
To where?
To see them Tom, well go together. Let them explain why they told you now. And if you want to come back here afterwardsfine. I wont stop you.
Tom stared in surprise, but Emily stayed strong, squeezed his hand tighter, and inched him away from the edge.
Come on!
And Tom swung his legs back onto the roof, letting her urge him away from danger, focusing now on what needed to be done, not what was behind him.
Im a coward
No, youre not! Emily huffed, pulling him to the stairs. Id be out of my mind too, if my parents anyone would! Understand?
She stumbled, and Tom caught her, preventing a fall.
Careful!
Look whos talking, eh? Emily grinned, turned on the torch, and tugged him along. Come onweve got a lot to do!
That evening stayed with them forever.
Tough conversations with Toms parents. Real forgiveness, after Tom learned his real dad was about to be released from prison and had threatened to spill everything.
And tears from the woman who raised him, having taken in a little boy who was her best mates sonafter his own mother had died so tragically, choosing the wrong man.
My mum the real one
Yes, Tom, that was your fathers doing.
And now he wants to
He wants to meet you.
Well, I dont want to see him.
Thats your decision. Well support you in whatever you choose.
The conversation lasted for hours, but by the end Emily knew: she and Tom wouldnt return to the rooftop. Not tonight, nor any other. Something had shifted, the past replaced by a new future.
When Emily came home, close to midnight, she unlocked the front door with her own key and tiptoed through to the dark kitchen, where her mum stood by the window, looking out. Emily hugged her tightly, burying her nose in the familiar scent of her mothers perfume and wild curls, whispering the word that cleared everything away and brought new hope:
Sorry…
Answered in the same whisper, from the one for whom nothing would ever matter more than Emilys own worries and joys:
And you, love… Hungry?
No, Mum. Thanks. Actually I think I passed an exam today.
Which exam? Yours arent for ages yet.
I mean the most important one, Mum Ill tell you about it later.
Why later?
Because Ive got a mock in the morning and really need some sleepEmily smiled, a slow, tired smile that felt completely new. She took her mothers hand and squeezed it, grounding herself in the warmth shed always taken for granted. Her mum squeezed back, gentle and strong.
Because Emily said softly, I want to sit here with you like this, just for a minute longer. Before everything goes on again.
They stood in the hush of the kitchen, moonlight painting silver lines across the table, Emily no longer running, no longer at war. Out on the street, a siren wailed and faded. Upstairs, a radiator clicked, settling. It was just the two of them, together, quietly victorious.
After a while, her mum tucked a stray curl behind Emilys ear and brushed her cheek where the sting had faded. Youll tell me everything, when youre ready, she murmured. For now, lets just be us.
Emily nodded. She let her head rest on her mums shoulder, breathing in, breathing outall the knots inside her loosening, the battles and barricades melting into something gentler. She knew things wouldnt be perfectfights would return, exams would loom, heartbreaks would sting. Maybe, every so often, shed even be tempted by the wild night rooftop air.
But tonight she understood something vital: growing up wasnt about running or fighting, but about choosing who to reach for in the dark, and who to walk home to when the world turned upside down.
And just as her eyes fluttered closed, she realizedmaybe, just maybe, that was the only exam that ever really mattered.
