Diary Entry
Well, honestly, Oliver, youre a real piece of work! I would never have expected this from you! I snapped, etiquette forgotten, and wiped my nose on the sleeve of the blouse Mum had made me.
That blouseMum had found a piece of silk shed been saving, sighed over it (maybe wishing she couldve made it for herself), and then sat down at the sewing machine, threading it with care just for me.
Girls grow up, you see. They need nice things to wear, otherwise whos going to look twice at them? Thats what Mum always says.
But sometimes, I wish she hadnt bothered so muchwhats the point? I thought as I watched my first love walk away.
He marched off from me in that confident, soldierly way of his and didnt once look back. The ache of it was almost unbearable.
I sniffled again, then remembered Id put on mascaraagainst Mums strict ordersso tears were strictly off-limits.
Oliver. Ollie. My darling Ollie.
My one and only. We only got half a year of happiness togetherI counted the days. Six months to the date since wed first met and already so much had happened
He did eventually look over his shoulder, but I pretended not to notice.
How dare he! I come to him with news like this, and he just turns away? Let him go! Sailormore like a landlubber thrown off his perch! If its the open sea and freedom he wants, well, let him go! Im not a child anymore. Ill handle things; Ill have my baby and raise it myself. His permission isnt needed! That would be giving him too much credit!
I raged, but underneath, some thin, shrill note of hurt whined in me, grinding against my nerves.
How could he? He said he loved me, promised me everything under the sun. He used to talk about marrying me. And then, at just a mention that Im expecting, he runs?
Well, mentionI told him frankly I wanted something more than fleeting weekends together. He answered that the sea was calling, and he wasnt giving up his dreams just for my imaginary troubles. If you love me, come with me, he said.
And leave Mum behind? With a bump? Go to the other end of England, with no family, no friends, no one?
Absolutely not.
I stood up, smoothed down my skirt, and fixed my hairwhat there was of it. Curls do wonders, after all. Mum always says appearance is everything. Look at Ollieplain as a doormat, no oned look twice, but girls swoon because hes clever, cheeky, and can have a deep conversation as well as any uni lad. Not that hes got much educationonly finished secondary school with barely enough grades to count! Still, hes bright.
Not that Im much better offjust finished at technical college, and refused to go any further, no matter how much Mum begged. She called me all sorts for that and gave me the silent treatment for nearly a month! It hardly bears thinking about.
But I know my own worth. What good would more certificates be, when I earn a decent wage on site as it is? I send money home to Mum and make do for myself.
Eventually, she got over it, welcomed me back, and fussed over me again. Thats what mums do. Now, though what will she say when she finds out shes going to be a grandmother? Will there be a shouting match?
Of course there would be. There always is.
She shouted so loudly the neighbours came running, but they didnt get an explanation. Just work problems, nothing more, Mum said, and shooed everyone away. Family matters are family business, not for public discussion.
How could you, Rosie? Didnt I tell you to mind yourself until youre married? Wholl want you now? Oh, that Ollie! I thought he was a decent lad. A snake! He ran off the minute you told him, didnt he?
I hesitated. Should I tell her everything? Shed never forgive me. So I just nodded. Ollie would be far enough away soon, anyway.
Yes, Mum. He left, I said.
Oh, my poor girl what are we going to do now?
Well manage, Mum! Were not children, are we? If you help me a bit at first, theres nothing to be afraid of. Ill have the baby, and well be okay.
As if Id ever leave you! What kind of mother leaves her daughter when shes in trouble?
I closed my eyes for a moment and sighed with relief.
Thats that, Ollie. Even without you, well be alright. You chase your dreamsIll raise our child.
Time passed, and I forgot the details of that last conversation with Oliver, certain Id told him about the baby and hed left me flat. My hurt and anger made their nest inside me, tangled and ever-present, whispering when I least wanted them to:
Look at that, Rosieyour daughters just like her dad! A little mischief, that one. Runs rings round you for no reason at all. Youd better tell her how it isher father vanished to sea, never a word since. Shell run away herself one day, just you watch. Like father, like daughterthe apple never falls far from the tree
So thats why my little girl, Lily, grew up thinking that the only person who truly loved her was Grannyand even then, only sometimes. Granny would hug her and coo, but if neighbours so much as whispered behind our backs, shed push Lily away: Go on, get to your mother. Let her comfort you, you poor soul What did we do to deserve this, God help us?
Until she was three, Lily honestly believed her names were poor soul and punishment. Only in rare quiet moments did I call her by name, and those were the times shed get some real affection from me.
Come here, sweetheart, let me fix your braidsso thick, not like mine. Just like your dads hair, dark as midnight, and those blue eyesthe same sea-blue as the ocean he sailed away to Youre the image of him. Pretty as you are, youll never be happy, just like me.
But why, Mum? tiny Lily would whimper, on the verge of tears.
Because. My voice would crack, and shed know better than to ask again. Instead, shed go to Granny, bury her face in the apron that smelled of meat pies and stew, sobbing for herself, then me, then Granny, because Mums shame rested on Grannys shoulders.
What was this shame? Why did someone have to drag it around? Lily didnt understand until much laternearly tenwhen I, suddenly blossoming and bright, left for the city to start over.
Lily stayed with Granny.
She wasnt ever particularly sad about it. Even when Id been away for work beforeit had always been for the fatherless dont feed themselves, Id say. But those trips always ended with me back home, bringing presents and clothes, hugging Lily and fussing at Granny: Mum, why is she so thin? People will think we dont care for her!
She barely eats, Granny would say. If you were here more, shed eat like she should! Its all I can do to keep up with everythinglivestock, the shop, a child at home! If youre going to scold, you might as well stay home and look after her yourself!
Honestly, Mum, shes not a baby anymore. Lets not argue. Look at what I brought you!
As if your gifts mean anything. Id rather have you here. My heart aches. I miss you
Then Id darken, Lily would retreat in alarm, and an argument would follow.
Oh, youre lonely, are you? And Im not? Im still young and not ugly, but what does it get me? Nothing! Not a soul! Now you throw it in my face, and who would want this life? Mum, have some sympathy. Ive burdened myself for years If Id have known how it would turn out, Id never have let him go.
Well, love, theres no use crying over spilt milk, is there?
Mum!
You had a childyour responsibility! Dont want her? Write her fathermaybe hell take Lily.
Give Lily to him? Never! He wanted nothing to do with her, why should he get to just scoop up a ready-made child now? I didnt break myself for years so he could waltz in and claim whats not his!
Well if not, then stop complaining! The child hears all of this! Dont you think she finds it painfulknowing her father abandoned her and her mother is miserable?
Let her be upset! Life isnt sweet for everyone! Sometimes you get knocked down so hard you dont get up again. Enough, Mum! Were finished with this topic. And dont you dare go writing to Oliver yourself! I know what youre like.
Granny kept to her wordup to a point.
When Lily was preparing for her final exams at school, word came from the city that Id given birth to a boy, but died a week later, leaving no explanations behind.
And perhaps, if Lily hadnt been stubborn, that would have been the end of that secret. But she was determined.
When she heard, Granny packed and left to deal with matters, leaving sobbing Lily strict orders to tend the house.
Weve no time for tears, love, Granny said as she tightened her black shawl, We have to think how well get by now. I cant imagine
Ill get a job, Granny!
Give it time. Weve got a baby to sort out. His father took him in, but wont raise him, and I Do you think I have the strength, Lily?
What else can we do? Granny, I hardly had a mother, and now my baby brothers to go into care? No, that wont do!
I know, I know Im just scared, Lily. I dont know how long Ill be able.
Granny left, and Lily, determined not to obey any more of my old taboos, searched the house from top to bottom.
She knew she needed to find her father. Without his help, she and Granny didnt stand a chance.
Shed known what to do since she was littleback when she couldnt write, shed draw him stories, hiding them under the bed so Mum and Granny wouldnt find them. She drew everything: the new cat, Granny teaching her to bake, the whole of her life in pictures. Eventually, Granny found the albums but only tried to reason gently with me, seeing the cold wall of anger toward a man she knew nothing about.
Letters replaced pictures next. Lily poured her lifeher joys, pains, frustrations, triumphsinto scribbled lines in hidden notebooks.
Now it was time for the one letter that mattered, the one shed finally send.
By pure chance, she found an old envelopethe address. Mum had hidden it so well that if Lily hadnt dropped a photograph frame while dusting, shed never have found it. She burst into tears, blaming me for everything, not even sure what for.
Strangely, it didnt make her feel better.
Sorry, Mum, but I cant listen now. You never wanted me in touch with Dad, I know. But Granny says she wont be around forever. Im angry, but I know shes right. We cant manage on our own forever. If Dad really is as bad as you say, at least Ill know the truth and can rely only on myself. But if its not sowell, I just want to see for myself. You always said I looked just like himhow can I help it? I want to meet him, and hear his side.
Never crossed her mind that the person she wrote to might have moved. She didnt think, she just acted.
She spent the whole eveningand most of the nighttrying to get her thoughts on paper. By morning, shed written three lines, and in them her pain, her cry for help, and a desperate, shy hope that her father would listen.
She posted the letter on her way to school, then came home to find Granny there, with a fretful, tiny baby brother.
There you go, Lily This is Jamie. Your brother, Granny sobbed, turning away as she wrapped him in a blanket, while Lily peered curiously at the babe.
Granny, whys he so small?
Hes fine. You were smaller.
Really?
Of course. And now look. Youll see, hell grow too.
Is his dad?
He said hed help, but doesnt want to take him. Not his problem, he says.
Well, thats something Lily copied Grannys tone so perfectly that she couldnt help but smile.
Oh, Lily! Dyou think well manage?
We will, Granny. Of course! How do people manage with kids? Look at Daisy Bartonnine of them, and she never complains! Shes giving me baby clothes the twins have grown out of. Some things are practically newthey grew so fast, they barely wore them. Is that true, Granny?
What? That kids grow fast? Yes, Lily, faster than the wind itself. Seems only yesterday I held your mum like this, and now shes gone.
Oh, dont cry, Granny, or I will tooand Jamie wont be far behind. What does he want? Hungry?
Its time to feed him, bless! Look at the time! Granny fussed and shoved the baby in Lilys arms. Hold him! You wont drop him, I know. I always said you were clever and good with your hands, my girl. Hell be like you, God willing!
Lily stood still.
In her arms lay concrete proofshe wasnt on her own anymore. All her life shed longed for someone who needed her just as much as she needed them. Granny and Mum had their own ideas about families, but this small bundle changed everything.
Youll run off one day and forget us all, just like I did, I would warn in my darker moods, but secretly, Lily wanted what Daisy Barton hada noisy, warm, chaotic home, three generations under one roof, everyone watching out for each other.
Daisy managed her household with firm kindness, calling everyone Mum and Dad, running it all as only a strong mother can. Her husband supported her, and if any arguments started, hed cut them short: Right then! Clean up, everyone! No bickeringwere family, arent we?
Lily, overhearing this once, remembered it: Thats how it should bea family above all.
All her life, it was just Granny and me. Now it was different.
This baby, with his squishy cheeks and scrunched-up nose, only a few weeks old, belonged here forever. He needed Lily, and she needed him. She learned quicklyDaisy, dashing by in her apron, popped in, unwrapped Jamie, and grinned: Hello, little soldier! Cryings goodfills the lungs! Listen, Lily, dont worry. All mums learn, so will you. Just watch me, and youll manage fine.
Grannys gone to the city, Lily explained. Said she had urgent paperwork so thered be no problems later. Shes shown me what to do, but I wanted to ask you as well
Grannys lessons not good enough, eh? Daisy frowned, then laughed. Only kidding! Honestly, youre braver than you think. In the old days, girls your age would already have two of their own. Nothing to it!
Lily watched Daisys expert hands and thought, Im not ready for motherhood. Babies arent just nappies and bottles You have to love them, too. But how?
Jamie taught her in no time. Soon, Lily rushed home from schoolbecause thats where she was needed. The first gummy smile was hers, not Grannys. His first word was her name.
Yily! Jamie cheered, tottering across the yard when she came home.
Im here, darling! Come hug me!
He wrapped sticky arms round her neck, and Lily meltedsmothering him with kisses.
Where have you been? Whys your face so filthy? Lets wash you up!
Jamie, for his big sister, would put up with soapeven if he hated it. Granny would laugh to see thema skinny, curly Lily chasing her slippery brother.
A wriggler, just like a fish! Hold him tight, Lilyhell get into mischief else.
Amid the busyness, Lily forgot about the letter shed written her dad. There was never a reply. She decided that even silence was an answerher father clearly didnt care.
A twinge of hurt clung on, but honestly, she didnt have time to dwell on it. Jamie filled her every thought.
Granny began to prod about university, but Lily fought her off.
Granny, you know thats impossible! Id have to leave for the city. How would you and Jamie cope? No, absolutely not!
Granny insisted, but Lily refused. She could always find work in the villageat the farm (they always needed hands), or in the little shop Daisy and her husband had just opened, which was already looking for staff. Daisy promised to take her on whenever she wanted.
But Granny was determined.
Dont you see, Lily? Your mum wasted her chance at happiness, and youre about to do the same! Everything I do, I do for you.
I know, Granny, but you wont change my mind. Some things matter more than certificates!
It was in the middle of these arguments that something happenedsomeone Lily had long given up on ever seeing appeared in their lives.
It was evening. Lily was heading home with Jamie, who was tired from playing with Daisys youngest twins and a bit grumpy, but he dragged along beside his sister anyway.
At the garden gate, he tugged her skirt, Yily, up!
She hoisted him into her arms, grinning at his bossy Up! Pushing open the gate, she walked up the pathstopped short.
On the porch, a stranger stood on a wobbly old stool, fiddling with the porch lightthe one that hadnt worked for as long as Lily could remember.
Got it, finally! the man chuckled as the bulb came to life, and he hopped down.
Only then did he see Lily, Jamie on her hip.
Rosie
He took a step, then another, and, ignoring her uncertain gesture to keep away, swept them both into a bear hug.
My dears
Lily saw tears in the strangers eyes.
Forgive me, loveI never knew about you! Is he yours? He nodded towards Jamie, who was staring, round-eyed, at this odd man in their house. Will you trust him with his grandad? Come here, little chap, let me see you.
Only then did Lily fully realise who he was.
Hes not mine! I meanhes not my son. Dad, this is hes Mums. My brother, Jamie
I see. Oliver hugged the boy, who, oddly, didnt resistinstead, he clung, snuggled into the bristly chin.
Scratchy!
Ill shave, promise! Come on inside, lovethe mosquitoes in this village are enormous!
Were near the river, Dad
I remember
Granny greeted them with a look: it was clear the adults had made peace. Lily felt a weight lift.
What did it matter what happened before she was born? All that mattered was they now had another family member, and that was a gift to be grateful for.
She watched Jamie scamper around his grandads feetand knew in that moment that things would change. There was finally a man in their household. It felt right.
Later, Lily would learn the truththe letter hadnt been lost, but taken to someone else when her dad had moved. A woman found it and, with no little effort, tracked Oliver down and sent it on. By the time hed finally received it, months had passedhed been away, working at sea.
When I got your letter, love, I rushed here as quick as I could! I thought I was all alone in the world. I wrote your mum so many times, begged to come back, to be a family.
And she?
She wrote once, said shed married and asked me to leave her alone. I did as she asked If only Id known how things truly were! Id have swum home. God, I dont know what I did to deserve this chance. Will you come with me? Ive got a flat in Portsmouth, big and sunnysea view, sunsets to die for.
I cant, Dad
Why not?
Id never leave Jamie and Granny behind. It wouldnt be right.
No one said you had to! The flat’s big enough for us all. You should be in college, loveGranny can help with Jamie, and we’ll sort out everything.
But what would we live on? Granny and me hardly manage. Jamies dad promised support but never sends a penny, and hasnt been to visit in over a year. Honestly, he came once for ten minutes just to check Jamie was alive, then vanished.
You think I cant support my girls and this little chap? Oliver frowned so severely Lily nearly burst out laughing, so much did he look like a pouty Jamie. Whats funny? Im a grown man, arent I? Well manage! Pack your things! Grannys on board for the move. We only waited for your agreement, and I take that as a yesam I right?
Yes, Dad. Yes.
And Lily would hug her father, grateful shed dared write that letter. Soon, shed be off to the coast, to a sea thatwhatever its namewould never really be peaceful.
But no matter how stormy life became, she was sure of her havena place of warmth, where family waited, where Granny would always have fresh pasties in the oven, which Lily would never quite master no matter how she tried.
And always waiting there would be that wild-haired boy, calling out in a wobbly but ever more grown-up voice, Hi! Dad said you were coming. Lily, I missed you!
I missed you too, sweetheart. I did.That evening, as dusk melted into night, Lily stood at the thresholdthe threshold of home, of endings and beginnings. Through the kitchen window, she glimpsed Granny bustling about, rolling pastry, her movements quick and practiced. Jamies giggle echoed in the hallway as Oliver, sleeves rolled, let himself be dragged from room to room on a grand tour.
Lily inhaled the warm scentsugar, flour, the tang of river air sneaking in from the gardenand felt, at last, the ache inside her easing. Her familystrange and battered, stitched together from half-told truthswas finally whole, not by erasing the past, but by forgiving it.
Later, as she tucked Jamie into bed and listened to his breathing even out, Olivers voice found her at the doorway. You know, love, he said quietly, I spent years searching for something I never knew Id lost. Turns out, it was you.
She smileda real, unguarded smile, the sort that promised possibility. Were here now, Dad. Thats all that matters.
She stepped outside to find Granny gazing up at the full moon, apron strings fluttering in the breeze. Without a word, Lily hugged her from behind, and Granny squeezed her hands.
Were not perfect, Granny murmured, but well do. Thats all families need to be.
Lily looked up at the churning skyclouds racing, stars peeking through, the hush before another uncertain day. For the first time, the future felt not frightening, but openas if anything could happen, as long as they faced it together.
And when the wind shifted, carrying faint salt and distant bells, Lily let herself hopereally hopethat, no matter where they drifted, theyd always find their way home.
Even the wildest seas, she thought, can be crossedif you hold tight to one another.
