Cockroaches
There was an exuberant jig being danced by the cockroaches inside Marys head. A merry little dance, lively and sparkling.
Their tiny legs spun imaginary lanterns, tapping and clapping along to the rising music that beat stronger and stronger in Marys mind.
Actually, Marys cockroaches usually behaved themselves. Calm, quiet, well-bred. If there was one thing Marys cockroaches had, it was pedigree. Shed worked long and hard, and not without wit, to cultivate them. Her own natural supply had always felt a bit short.
Her gran always told her, Cockroaches in your head are a good thing, Mary. If youve a few scurrying about up there, youre certainly not ordinary. Youve got a spark to you, love. Such people make life brighter, dont they? Theres so little fun in day-to-day life, after all.
Gran was the one whod invented the talk about drive. Gran was a progressive sort, for her eighty-odd years, always picking up trendy words and all that modern nonsense. She was still full of beans, really, at her age.
Strictly speaking, she was Marys great-grandmother, not grandmother, but after Gran had gone, Great-Gran fitted the bill completely. Such things happenso all those great-s were just unnecessary details.
Mary loved her Gran. Who else did she have, really? Certainly not her mother.
Her motherwell, no one was like her mother! Clever and beautiful and a headmistress to boot! Not just of any school, but still, not Marys own. And that was thanks, once again, to Gran. It was Gran who insisted that Mary go to a different school instead of her mothers.
Why burden the child with your problems?
What do you mean?
I mean, there shes just another pupil, but here, shes the Heads daughter. It wont do her reputation any favoursshe might need that reputation one day. Easy to lose, hard to earn, believe you me. Im not speaking to a child!
Gran never minced words. She called a spade a spade, because she believed it right. What the truth really was, Mary couldnt say, but she could always see the results. Gran had raised Marys mother since she was five, ever since her own mother, Grans daughter, had passed. It was a long while before Mary learned why. Neither Gran nor her mother liked to talk about it.
It was an accident, Mary. A silly one. An icicle, a neglected roof, careless people, and a life lost. Couldve been worse. Your mum was right there next to her. If not for Annie pushing your mum out of the way, Id have been all alone.
Gran, can accidents happen to anyone? Just like that?
Want the truth?
Yes!
To anyone! You, me, the Pope himself. Anyone, Mary. But thats no reason for fear.
Then why think about it at all?
To remind yourself to live, every minute, as if its your last! Give something to the worldbetter yet, give something its never had! Give, expecting nothing back, as much as you can, to make the world just a bit better, a bit fairer, a bit brighter. Theres plenty of darkness out there already, we dont need to add more.
Oh Gran, thats easy to say, harder to do. I know.
And its a good thing you know! Means your cockroaches are clever ones.
Whats growing?! Gran, ew! What have cockroaches got to do with anything?!
Mary didnt like insects, at least not the creepy-crawly kind. Butterflies and bees were alright, even rather lovely. But anything with as many legs as a cockroach was disgusting.
Argh! Gran! A cockroach!
Leave it! It might have young! Gran would deftly dispatch the intruder with a slipper, glancing around with a gleam in her eye. See any more?
No! But Gran, you said it had children.
Did it? I wonder where?
That usually signalled a major clean-up, and Mary knew the cockroachs offspring wouldnt last long either.
Mary realised, once she grew up, that Gran had pitied her. She knew Mary could shout better than she could act. By the time Mary got around to doing anything, the cockroach would have great-grandchildren.
Everyone, from Gran to Marys gymnastics coaches, knew about this trait.
Your daughter needs something else. Shes flexible, got talent, but shes slow to make decisions. That can be dangerous in sport. Think it over, please.
I will, said Gran, and enrolled Mary in chess club.
Chess club was perfect. No one rushed her there. She could think for as long as she wanted, and got praised for it, too. Wasnt that wonderful? Mary stuck around for years.
Gran was very proud of her. Shed parade Marys trophies for the neighbours to admire.
Annie, youre my little star!
Gran, youre frightening me!
Why?
I remember you told Mum that stars never find happiness. I dont want to be a star! No, thanks!
Youve misunderstood, love.
Explain it then! Im only a kid!
Gran always did explain, honestly and thoroughly. Not always the way Marys mother would have liked, but all the same.
Gran, what did you tell Mary this time? She asked what in the family way means. Shes thirteen, Gran!
Well, why not? Kids grow up fast these days. You should ask Mary what goes on in her class. Let me tell you, it makes me blushand Ive been married three times! Turns out, I know nothing about life.
Marys never mentioned anything to me
You never asked. Youd think by now youd have realised what were like. The Smiths are all the samequiet on the outside, but theres a can-can of cockroaches prancing in our heads! Talk to the child. And dont fret! I only told her what she asked. Passed phrase, thats all, but she remembered. Clever girl, sharp memory.
Gran, what should I do with her cleverness? Sometimes her questions are so strange. How do I talk to her?
The same way I talked to you, remember?
You never hid a thing from me. Ever. Why?
Because lifes smacks are so much crueler later. Better I tell Mary the facts now, than have her dance through life stepping on rakes. You were prepared, so you had Mary at nineteen, and without a husband. Not ideal.
Gran!
No row now! I know, I know! About your one true love, and how you never knew anything about Marys fathers family. Never mindit all worked out, didnt it? We got Annie. Its just a shame youre alone. Thats what bothers me! Young, smart, beautiful, but no personal life. Thats what. Lizzy, dont get me started!
Gran, please dont start
I wont, if you promise to move on. One mistake shouldnt be the end of you.
I never said it was! And Marys not a mistake!
I never said she was, love. I meant your madly in love phase. Remember when you ran away from home? I searched half of London for you.
I remember And when you found me, you never said a harsh word. You brought your cabbage pie, acted like nothing had happened. No row, no drama. Gran, I love you
I know! Now, let me get on with raising our Mary!
I wont get in your way
In the end, Marys mother found happiness. Mary had just turned sixteen. For nearly a year, Elizabeth had seen someone, but hadnt told anyone at home that shed found someone she wanted a future with.
Mary discovered her in a café, by chance, with friends. The girls couldnt work out why Mary turned on her heel and dashed out. Her mother, sitting with a stranger, holding hands, smiling in a way Mary had never seenso beautifully that she looked twenty years younger. It made Mary realise for the first time that her mum was still young at heart. At first, she felt upset. But on the way home, she understood something.
Gran, did you know?
That your mums seeing someone? I had my suspicions.
I dont want to get in her way.
Well, dont then. Whats the problem?
What if he hurts her?
Gran, who was making dumplings when Mary burst in, wiping flour from her hands, hugged the girl tightly.
Who would dare? Our Lizzys not alone. Theres always someone ready to stand up for her.
Mary didnt argue. Gran knew what she was saying. She might be granny-busy in the kitchen now, but she had once worked as a detective and not just any detective. Caught two serial crooks herself. She could handle more than just cockroaches. She had contacts, too, and former pupils who still visited. If there was no sign of Grans tell-tale wrinkle, things were likely alright. But letting go still hurt. Mary wasnt ready to share the person dearest to her.
But in the end, she had to. Andrew Parker, as her mums partner was named, came soon after the café incident, not just to visit but to propose. And Mary had to give her blessing. There was no pretence in the way he spoke of love for her mother. The old frown line melted from her mothers forehead, the way it always had with Gran. Mary rather liked it.
Letting go of all jealousy was slow work, especially after her baby brother, Alex, was born. Mum glowed like never before, and Mary told Gran everything she felt.
We failed in your upbringing, darling! Should have given you more of a hiding! Gran was properly cross.
Gran, what?!
I never thought youd be such an egoist! When you refused to move in with your mum, I thought you didnt want to intrude. Newlyweds and all that. I appreciated it, thought youd grown up. Turns out, I was wrong! Youve surprised me, Ill say that! I must be getting old
Gran! For goodness sake! Im not against them. Its just
It hurts? That your mums attention is now divided? Mary, do you understand? Youre not alone anymore! None of us live forever, you know Now, at least Im not worried if something happens. Have you even thought of it that way?
I have! Mary snapped. But
Still hard?
Yes! Gran, why am I so wrong inside?
Theres nothing wrong! Stop telling yourself that! Youve just got used to having your mum all to yourself. Now you have to share, thats all.
I suppose
Well, dont fret, love! No ones forcing you to move in. You can always help out, pop over after school, give a hand, and youll get your share of love and attention. Taking is easygiving back, thats tougher. Thats what loves about. Give more, get more in return. Thats how it works. Or do you doubt your mums love?
No!
Well then, settle your cockroaches! In a year or two, youll be off, marrying and raising children yourself. Time to grow up, Annie. Or are you in need of a hobby?
Mary was as busy as ever. Uni applications, school work And then there was Daniel. Not a boyfriendoh, no. She and the awkward bespectacled boy from the next form were mortal enemies.
They first met on the first day back at school. Mary, all dressed up and hurrying to the admin office for the events script, tripped on the stairs, twisted her ankle, and heard from behind:
Careful now! Daniel, whose name she barely knew, picked up her bag and offered a hand.
Oh, really? How clever! You could help, you know!
I am. Youre not being logical.
Mary bristled in indignation.
Honestly! Shes sprawled on the floor, obviously in pain, and hes?
She snatched her bag, got to her feet, and limped to Mrs. Green in the office.
Mary, what happened?!
Its nothing. Ill be fine.
You must see the nurse! At once!
Ill go after, Mrs. Green, I promise.
When is after, Mary? Dont joke about this!
Daniel, still trailing after, poked his head in, dropped her bag on a chair, and asked:
Need a lift?
To where, exactly?!
To the nurse. Looks like you might have sprained something.
Oh, just go wherever! Mary surprised even herself.
Daniel shrugged and left. Mrs. Green shook her head.
Mary, why are you like that? Daniels a lovely lad. Top of his class! He wants to be a doctor, just like you. Whats the rivalry?
Nothing Mary muttered, but mentally took note.
Doctor, eh? Well see.
Mary never really questioned her career choice. Caring for childrensuch an important task! Right up her street. She liked hard puzzles, nothing easy. The harder the problem, the betterit gave her cockroaches something to think about.
And the biggest puzzle of life was her family, now including little Alex. Demanding, stubborn, but so loving. He soon started recognising Mary, throwing tantrums if she was gone too long. Mary now had her own room in her stepdads flat and stayed over at weekends to help out.
Truth was, she was helping herself.
Holding her brother, she realised shed been missing something. Despite the boys wriggling and hair-pulling, she loved him. Admitting it felt hard. Neither Grans advice nor mums gentle hints seemed to help.
Marys problems didnt go away; they snowballed. Her cockroaches gleefully celebrated each new quirk that joined the throng. So Mary had to work on herself. With Alex, things settled easilyhow could one not love someone who adored you so? But the deeper issues, those didnt budge so quickly.
It was Alex who made Mary consider if she had chosen the right future.
Gran, what if I dont really like children? I cant work with them then, can I?
Why think you dont like them all?
I dont know
Youre overthinking, Mary.
Maybe. But its something to consider, isnt it? What if Im too harsh?
Im glad you care, darling. Youre serious about it, and rightly soa harsh doctor doesnt belong with children. So, best you figure this out sooner than later.
How?!
Ill think of something.
Mary never doubted Grans inventiveness, even if her idea sounded odd at first. She sent Mary on work experience.
Its a big family. Kids of all agesfull of beans, every one. If you can handle them, youre set for any career.
Gran, how do you know them?
Gran was quiet at first. Poured herself a glass of water, stared out the window, then finally told the story.
Theyre my big mistake, love. Maybe my biggest. Vera, the mother, once came to the police with a complaint about her stepdad. Claimed hed killed her mother. The woman was missing for months. Three children; the youngest was only a year. Age gaps all over. Only one child might actually be the stepfathers. Who knows.
Why did he live with her, then, if she was unfaithful?
Who ever knows what goes on behind closed doors? I only started digging after he attacked Vera.
What do you mean?
Tried to replace his wife with her. Vera was seventeen. He told her theyd never find her mother, and if she complained again, shed end up the same. Her little brother helped her fight back. Hed sensed something off for weeks, insisted she sleep with him, held her hand all night. The boy had his own difficulties, and his dad spared him, but stalked Vera. She had no family on her mothers side. Had to fend for herself. She was dating a boy from schoolnothing seriousbut his parents helped. His mum was tenacious as I am. Saw to it Vera was heard. We found her mother, and more besides. Had we acted sooner, some might still be alive.
Thats why you call it your mistake?
Yes, darling. Veras stepfather was a dangerous man. She knew but got nowhere till those parents stepped in. If not for them, hed still be free. Who knows what else might have happened. He never was brought to trial; took his own life instead.
And Vera?
She did brilliantly. Raised her brothers, ones now an engineer, the other in the army. Three children of her own, grandchildren too. She always struggled to find enough hands for the little ones. Thats why Im sending you to helpsee what its really like, working with children who arent your own.
Mary passed Grans test with flying colours. She got on brilliantly with Vera and her brood, and, for the first time, realised she had chosen the right path. She buckled down at school and got into universitynot as well as shed hoped, but enough.
So, imagine her surprise when on the first day at university, she bumped straight into Daniel.
Well, you made it, too.
His calm voice, barely betraying surprise, got under her skin.
Of course, I did! What are you doing here?
Studying.
She discovered Daniel avoided idle talk, the value of a word was not lost on him, and nearly a year passed before she thawed. He paid her very little heed, just nodded in passing.
He saw her, really saw her, only when she joined the volunteering team visiting children at the local hospital.
Mary was struggling to put on a silly orange clown wig, preparing for the childrens entertainment, when a familiar, drawling voice announced:
Now, I really didnt expect to see you here. Lost your way?
The children laughed themselves silly at the two clowns antics, never guessing what went on between them. Mary, pretending to scold her co-host, realised she was no longer annoyed with him. Daniel gave piggybacks, laughed with the little ones, twisted balloon animals, hugged everyone, whether they wanted him to or not.
Afterwards, when they were leaving, Daniel hesitated, then handed her a flower twisted from a balloon.
Here you go! Youre brilliant! Really enjoyed working with you.
Thank you She accepted it.
Heading home, or may I buy you a coffee?
Why are you always such a pest? She twirled the balloon and smiled. Alright.
Then come on, I know a good café. But I only have an hour.
Whys that?
I have a pupil coming later.
A what?
I tutor to help out at home.
That was how Mary learned Daniel lived alone with his mother, and tutored to support her. She also realised that the cockroaches scurrying around Daniels head were the same breed as hers. Which mattered, as Gran always told Mary,
Cherish those whose cockroaches march to the same tune as yours, Mary. Such people are rare. If you find one, hold onin every way you know. They might be one of a kind!
Gran, did you ever meet such people?
Of course! All three of my husbands loved my cockroaches, and had splendid ones of their own.
Then why did you part ways? Didnt you get on?
Good question Maybe Ill tell you one day, when youre older. But know this, it wasnt for lack of love or understanding. Im still good friends with every one of them. Its just sometimes, things dont last. Youll see for yourself when you grow up.
I think I understand.
Well, good! I rather like your Daniel. Hes a good lad. Almost as good as you.
Why almost?
Hes better.
Gran!
Its true! He puts up with you, doesnt he?
Oh, Gran! Just you wait!
Oh, Im waiting! Has he proposed yet?
Not yet.
Well, get ready. Its coming soonthats my reading. Mary, do you love him?
I think so
Thats all that matters! Time to get my slippers ready for dancing.
Gran!
Im only joking! But remember, no one lasts forever in this world, love. Though Im not in any hurry to depart! But once Ive seen your children, perhaps.
Children? Were not even married yet!
You will be! Thats one thing Im sure of!
Now Mary’s cockroaches were at full swing
Because, as always, Gran was right. Daniel proposed, all properwith a ring and everything.
Mum wept like a child. Gran clapped her hands, ignoring her arthritis. Vera came with all her clan, weeping with happiness and then whispered to Mary:
Good man, that Daniel. Dont you lose him, Annie.
Thats not possible, Aunt Vera. Even if I try.
How can you be so sure?
Weve got cockroaches of the same breed. Gran says, never lose someone like that. Who knows if Ill ever find another?
Is that it, now? Vera laughed, and then made the lantern gesture Mary was just imagining to the dance in her head. Our familys definitely grown, then! Congratulations, my dear. Now I can rest easy. Off I go!
Where?
To hug your Gran, of course! And then Daniel! Youre rightyou always need people like that in your tribe!
And so the cockroaches kept on dancing in Marys head, a reminder that lifes twists are a little brighter, wilder, and more joyful when you have the courage to share it with others who truly understand your quirks.
*
You see, in life it is not about ridding yourself of your inner cockroaches, but learning to dance with themand to find those who dance alongside you. That is where happiness truly lies.
