A Life on Hold
Mum, can I have a sweet from the box? Just one! Please! Ellie circled the cupboard like a fox, where Irene had hidden her hard-won treats.
No! Theyre for the table. If you eat them now, therell be nothing left for New Years.
Ellie sulked. What did it matter when she ate a sweet? She wasnt asking for them alljust one! Why was her mum always like this? If something tasted nice, it was always for later. If it was something pretty, it was for best. But Ellie longed to just take a sweet, put on her new dressthe one Dad brought back from a work trip to Londonand go visit Leah. For some reason, Leahs mum let her wear new things to nursery. Ellie had overheard that her things were homemade, but so what? Leah was always the best-dressed in their group, while Ellie trudged about in the same old spotted dress she was thoroughly sick of.
Ellie didnt yet understand how hard-won those little treats and fancy clothes were for her parents. Her mum worked as a librarian, and her dad was an engineer. From as far back as she could remember, Ellie heard the word get hold of as if it were some secret missionsomething new that couldnt be found in ordinary shops. Thats how she ended up with her beautiful shoes, and her mum with new boots. Afterwards, they ate little but pasta and potatoes for an entire month, but her mum was so happy she barely wore the boots at firstjust admired them. Those boots became etched in Ellies memory; even as an adult she could remember every scuff and scratch from years of use.
Time passed, and soon everything changed. Shops filled up with anything the heart desired, and buying new clothes or spoiling the child became much simpler. The only issue now was money. Ellie was in Year Nine when her dad came home one evening, beaming:
Theyve hired me!
She didnt quite understand what it meant, but her parents excitement promised good things. And so it turned out. The joint-venture company her dad joined was in electronicshis talents were finally recognised. Ellie saw a change come over her once-distant, often grumpy father; he found new uses for his skills and discovered he was a brilliant organiser. His career soared.
Life grew easier. Her mum no longer sat by lamplight with a notebook, desperately trying to stretch the household budget for Ellies new things. The first jeans arrived, trendy trainers, and more. Ellie abandoned her plan to leave school early and start work; instead, she decided to apply to university. Her parents supported her completely. For two years, she buried herself in textbooks, forgetting about discos and friends, and sailed through her exams with flying colours. Now she could have a bit of a break, but Ellie thought otherwisefirst came her studies and landing a good job, and then everything else. She managed that too, gaining a First and a job at her fathers company, thanks to his useful contacts. It seemed perfect: all goals achieved. Now, surely, she could think of herself, perhaps start a family? Yet even then, Ellie thought differently. Her career came firstso shed never have to worry again about what to wear or where to live. She succeeded at that, and her parents couldnt have been prouder: clever, successful, bought her own flat, her own car, holidays abroad. But she was alone.
It never seemed to bother Ellie. She was never a goody-goody, and never short of admirers, but she was in no rush for a serious relationship. Why hurry? There was so much to do while she was still young, and theres plenty of time for children later.
Ellie fell into her first serious relationship only at thirty-five. She and Victor were colleaguessat in neighbouring offices for years, barely more than polite chit-chat. She never guessed he liked her. He was distinguished, very attractive, sharpa combination Ellie valued above all. Victor, unsure if he dared approach the Ice Queen (as colleagues dubbed her), didnt hesitate when, at a company party, Ellie drunkenly rested her head on his shoulder during a dance.
Marry me. Were both successful, were not getting any younger. Its time to build a family. Ive liked you for years, and its more than that, EllieI love you.
Ellie let out a quiet laugh: Vic, dont be silly! Weve got years ahead of us. Theres plenty of time.
But in the morning, looking into his eyes, Ellie surprised herself by saying, Alright. Ill marry you.
It was a lavish wedding. Irene wept tears of joy, having almost given up hope for grandchildren. And three years after, Ellie realised all her achievements meant nothing compared to what shed gained, having postponed the most important thing for so long.
Theres nothing left for me, Mum my futures gone, Ellie could barely cry, clutching the test results. Why was I so stupid?
Give it time, love. Thats just one clinic. Medical advances happen every day. Things could still change.
When? Ellie threw the papers across the sitting room.
The house hadnt changed much since her childhood. Her parents refused help with new furniture or repairs, though her father was now retired and in poor health, and her mother barely left his side. Ellie still did what she could, but it mostly meant keeping their fridge as well-stocked as hers and giving the old furniture new life with restorationvintage is all the rage, after all. Shed done up their flat ten years before, but now, staring at the wall, she thought the wallpaper could do with changing, and the floor could use a polish. Odd, the things you think about when your life is falling apart
Mum, dont you see? Times the one thing I dont have
They sat together for ages as dusk filled the room, ignoring the ominous buzz of the phone. Sometimes Ellie cried, sometimes she was calm, but always silent, unwilling to discuss what needed no discussion. At last, she raised her head, just able to make out her mother in the gloom:
Thank you, Mum
For what, my darling?
For listening. Theres no one else I can turn to. Who would even care now?
What rubbish! Irene reached over, placing her palm over Ellies lips. I need you. Dad needs you. Victor needs you!
Victor doesnt need me now.
Why, Ellie?
Because this is my problem, not his. He hasnt got time, either. But maybe hell still have children.
Ellie stood, hugged her mother quickly, and started getting ready to leave.
Ill be fine, Mum. Dont worry. She blew her mother a kiss, closed the door behind her, and Irene slumped in the hallway, whispering, Why, Lord? Why my girl?
Ellie didnt want to go home, so she wandered along the Embankment. At this time of year, it wasnt the friendliest of placesjust a couple of dog walkers and an elderly couple, heads ducked against the autumn wind, trading brief comments as they hurried along.
Watching them, Ellie burst into tears again. Once, shed dreamed of thatgrowing old together, understanding one another without a word, all things shared and held in common. None of that would happen now Suddenly, she realised how much shed always loved Victor, but had put off admitting it, as she did everythingalways waiting, always postponing, but now it just didnt matter anymore. Because when you love someone, its them you should think about, not yourself.
Staring at the cold, inky Thames, Ellie remembered childhood walks here with her parents. How she would put off the one treat she might have on those outingsice cream, rain or shine. Miraculously, shed never had a sore throat, not even when eating it in winter Shed never have that with her own children now.
She tore her eyes from the inviting darkness of the water and shook her head. Enough! Wallowing wouldnt change a thing. She had to carry on find somethinganythingthat would give her the strength to keep going. Her accomplishments meant nothing now; she knew only too clearly that no career milestone could ever replace what shed lost. So she needed something new, if only she knew what. There was, though, one thing that couldnt wait: Victors time now wasnt hers to claim.
She made for her car and stopped short. Half a dozen teenagers loitered nearby. Ellie looked aboutno one else in sight. If it came to it, was there anyone to help? But oddly, she felt nothingneither fear nor care. What did it matter now?
Hands plunged in her coat pockets, she walked up to her car.
Whats going on here?
The boys, about sixteen years old, turned to her.
Is this your car?
It is.
Under the bonnet! We need to open it! Somethings in there! They all shouted at once; Ellie realised they werent about to attackthis was something else.
Right, one at a time. Whats under the bonnet?
The smallest boy, instinctively marked as the leader in her mind, spoke up:
Theres a kitten. We saw it climb under your car, and squeeze higher up somewhere. Might be on the wheel or further inside. We need to get it out, or itll get hurt.
Ellie raised an eyebrow. Are you sure?
Im telling yousaw him myself. Its cold out nowcats crawl into cars for the warmth.
Ellie unlocked the doors and popped the bonnet.
Oh, good heavens! she exclaimed, as the lads extracted a black, struggling kitten.
It bites! The smallest boy laughed, then handed the shaken kitten to Ellie. Here, you hold it!
Me? Ellie accepted the silent kitten. But Ive never had a cat in my life!
Youll manage. Just feed it well! The boys all laughed and carried on.
Impulsively, Ellie called after them, digging in her pocket for a fiver. Its bad luck to help an animal for freemy mum always said so.
Thanks! they grinned, taking the note, and off they went.
Ellie slid into her car, staring at her unexpected companion.
What am I supposed to do with you?
The kitten made itself instantly at home, kneading her pale coat with muddy paws, then letting out a cheerful purr.
Brilliant So, old and with a cat. Quite the cliché, arent I?… Come on, lets get you home.
Ellie put off talking to Victor until morning, spending her evening sorting the kitten.
How did you get so many fleas? How did I wind up in this mess? She scrubbed the kitten over the sink whilst Victor stood ready with a towel.
Its odd
What is?
Cats usually hate water, but this one doesnt seem bothered. Purring, even.
Ellie wrapped the shrunken bundle in a towel. Right! Lets get you fed!
After their new pet fell asleep against Ellie on the sofa, Victor finally spoke:
So, how did it go? Any news?
Ellie sighed. It wouldve been easier in the morning, but what was the point in delaying?
Were getting a divorce, Vic.
Excuse me? Whats brought this on?
Because I cant have children. And thats entirely my fault. You still have a chancetimes on your side. Youll find someone else, and be a father.
Victor looked at her as though seeing her for the first time.
So, thats it, is it? You really think Im some robot? Pick this one, pick that one? Ellie, what are you like? Has it never occurred to you that I love you, and children arent what matter most? What matters is that younot some hypothetical other womanare here, with me. But clearly, youve already made your mind up.
Victor picked up the sleepy kitten. Ill sleep in the study. Goodnight.
Ellie nodded, waited until Victor left, then quietly sobbed. How could she be so cruelbut doubt still gnawed at her. Thats what he says now, but in a few years? Then what?
She turned the problem over all night, weighing up their life together. She knew her decision was righttemporary nobility so often turns into long regret, and Victor would never blame her. He was too good a man.
She eventually fell asleep up, curled up with her knees to her chest. She didnt hear Victor getting ready for work, feeding the kitten, and heading out. She woke only at lunchtime, covered in a soft blanket. Next to her on the table was a note: Back this eveninglets talk. Dont even think of leaving me. Im not letting you go. Love you.
The kitten stared at her with enormous green eyes.
What? Ellie groaned, stretching stiff limbs, I need coffee. Do you?
For the first time in days, she smiled as the cat darted to the kitchen.
Youre quick to settle in
As the pot bubbled, she wondered why she felt lighter today. Whether it was Victors note or just the first touch of time healing, she wasnt sure. The future was still unclear, but the air now felt just slightly easier to breathe. She arranged a day off, calling work to say she felt unwell, booked a haircut and manicure, and stepped out.
Rain poured down, so hard the cars seemed to float on the roads. Ellie had left her umbrella at home and was drenched by the time she reached her car. Instead of going back inside, she willed herself onenough with the pointless tears.
The rain delayed everything at the salon. Ellie sat, flicking through whatever magazine was at handadvertising, features about motherhood and childhood She picked up a magazine about parenting, of all things. Typical! How had it ended up there? She turned a few more pages until she froze. A little boy, with enormous green eyes like pond weed, stared out at her. Oddshe felt she somehow knew him. There was something about him She tore her eyes away and read the words below.
The stylist looked for her missing client in surprise, but Ellie was goneand so was the magazine, though no one noticed.
Victor, working in his office, looked up as Ellie burst in, breathless and flushed. Shed never looked so animated.
Look! She plopped the magazine in front of him, jabbing at the photograph.
Whos this?
I dont know, Vic. Only his name and age are listed. But look!
She grabbed Victors shoulder, steering him to the mirrored wall dividing their offices. She handed him the open magazine and turned him to his own reflection.
No one you recognise?
Victor looked at the boy, then blinked: the boys face stared back at him, thirty years older, from the mirror.
Its uncanny he muttered, reading the caption. Are you sure?
Im not sure, Vic. Not about anything. And the magazines old. Maybe his parents have found him already. I dont know. All I know is, I see something here that shouldnt be possible. And Im not putting my life on hold anymore!
They brought Sam home from the orphanage six months later. And two years after that, Ellie spotted a little girl in a similar magazinesomeone who would become her daughter. Molly was only eighteen months, and had never known another mother. Ellie became her whole world. Another five years on, Ellie, who blamed her bodys strange changes on early menopause, blurted to her doctor in shock:
Oh, go on! That cant be possible!
Julia was born right on time, stunning the now-large family.
Irene met her youngest grandchild, but died a year later after a long, debilitating illness. She fought hard, always making time for the grandchildren.
You are my joy My lifes happiness
After the funeral, clearing out her parents flat, preparing her father for the move, Ellie found a battered shoebox at the back of the wardrobe. Opening it, she gaspedthen sobbed so loudly the children rushed in.
Mum! Mum, whats wrong? cried Sam, bewildered.
Ellie pulled an old pair of boots from the box and hugged them close as the pain left her with her tears. Shed held herself together for her mother, at the funeralbut now it all came pouring out.
Mum, why are you crying? Molly crouched before her, trying to meet her tear-filled eyes, and when she couldnt, simply hugged her round the neck and started crying too.
Julia, not to be left out, joined in. Victor arrived from the kitchen, met Sams worried eyes, and calmed the chaos.
Alright, enough of that. Ellie, whats going on?
The girls fell silent and looked at their dad. If Dad was here, everything would be alright. Mum would stop crying now.
Oh, Vic They were hers She kept them all this time
Ellie laid the boots aside and looked back in the wardrobe. There, on the shelves, were all her mothers precious linensher trousseau. Ellie had refused it when she married, saying it didnt match her new flat. Now, handling the old pillowcases and towels, she realised her mother had kept it all for her, carefully preserved with little lavender bags tucked among the sheets, still faintly aromatic. There was even her mothers own Sunday bed linennever used, the lace yellowed, the colours faded.
Vic How does this happen? Shes gone, but her things are still here Why do we always put things off? Waiting for the right moment that might never come. Its not right, nor fair.
Victor put his arms round her. What could he say? She was right.
Julia, wrapping herself around Ellies leg, piped up in a clear, green-eyed voice:
Mummy!
Ellie froze, almost not believing what shed heard. Victor grinned and nodded, and Ellie knelt.
Say it again?
Mummy! Julia climbed into Ellies arms and hugged her tightly. Mummy
Sam and Molly clapped their hands.
Told you shed say it! Sam winked at Victor. You lost, Dad!
That means I have to take you all to the zoo.
When? Molly jumped up. This weekend?
Why wait? Ellie grinned, kissing her youngest. Dont put off till tomorrow what you can do today. Lets go!
She glanced at the scattered possessions on the floor. Thatat leastcould wait. She knew that for certain, now.
Driving, she listened to the children giggle in the back and wondered how, exactly, to ensure her childrens happiness. Perhaps no one truly knows. But shed try her best to teach them this simple truth: dont put life on hold. Later is a trickster, and when you think the moments almost here, you might find its shifted againand never comes at all.
What about ice cream?
Now? Sam said, surprised. Mum, weve not even had lunch!
Theres time. Soice cream?
Yes! the children cheered, as Victor smiled.
Spoiling them, are you, Mummy?
Well, Daddy, if not now, when? Thats the point, isnt it?Victor reached over to squeeze Ellies hand as the car idled at a red light. Their childrens laughter rose above the hum of the city, washing through the car, warming the traces of old sorrow still lingering in Ellies heart.
Outside the window, the rain had faded, leaving behind a gleam on the streets and an unexpected rainbow arching shyly across the sky. Sam spotted it first and pressed his nose to the glass.
Mum, look! Promisecan we go see where it ends? he cried.
Yes! Molly echoed, face aglow with hope.
Ellie laugheda rich, unburdened sound she barely recognized as her own. Who knows, perhaps at the end of a rainbow, there really is treasure. She winked at Victor, who smiled back, understanding.
Julia wriggled in her car seat and murmured, Youre my treasure, Mummy.
Ellies eyes shone as she glanced into the mirror, catching three pairs of trusting eyes. She saw her mothers boots tucked carefully in a bag at her feetreminders of all the love that had gone before, anchoring her firmly in the present.
The lights changed. Ellie pressed the accelerator, and the car rolled forward, its passengershearts battered, mended, shining anewchasing the glimmering promise in the sky, together.
Not later, but now.
