A Difficult Man
For heavens sake, Richard! Youre so impossible! Why must everything be so complicated with you? Cant you ever just do as I ask?
My wife, Caroline, was voicing her annoyance again. She was, theres no denying it, stunning. Statuesque legs, dark blue eyes, and an enviable figure that drew every mans attention as she strolled through the park leading up to our hotel.
I, on the other hand, was remarkably plain. A good head shorter than my wife, I looked rather like a barrellong arms, short legs, and the beginnings of a bald patch. The one thing that could be considered attractive about me was my eyes: lively and astute, the sort that seem to see straight through a man. Our pairing raised eyebrowsa high-maintenance beauty and the man who knew her inside out.
We were like Hephaestus and Aphrodite, only instead of a hammer, I was usually carrying our daughter.
Little Emily took after me so completely it was laughable to think anyone could question her parentage. From her mother shed inherited only those striking blue eyes, and a glorious mane of copper curls. The ringlets were so wild and abundant that Caroline didnt bother taming them. So, at just five, Emily zipped round the hotel like a little ginger whirlwind, always glancing back to check if I was keeping up.
If you really want to go on this tour, you go ahead, Caroline. Im not sure Emilys old enough for it. The trips long, the weathers scorchingshell just get fussy and spoil your day. You know she will! I said.
What about you?! she snapped. Richard, I came here with my husband! I cant even walk through the hotel in peace! Doesnt that bother you at all? Dont you care?
Carolines voice hovered near hysteria, and Emily hugged me tighter, burying her face in my neck.
Darling, I am jealous! Terribly so! I smiled gently, rubbing Emilys head. How about a boat trip instead? Or diving? What would you like?
I want to see the pyramids! Caroline cut me off, turning her back. If you two are such spoilsports, Ill go alone!
Carolines drama was almost artful by this point. With a resigned shrug, I watched as she swept off to the pool, forgetting both me and Emily.
But this was nothing new. Our life together was like so many of the couples we knewme, a moderately successful, perpetually busy man, and her, the beautiful young wife everyone admired.
How Id ended up as one of these fashionable husbands, I still cant say. Id never been much good with women. It wasnt the looksthough I was hardly a modelit was just that I didnt know how to speak to women unless we were colleagues or business partners. I was courteous, even charming, but the minute feelings intruded, I fell to pieces. Hands awkward, lost for words, incapable of holding a womans gaze. After a host of cringe-worthy failures, Id more or less given up. I lived for work and weekend visits to my mums in Sussex, eventually convincing myself bachelorhood was my destiny.
The odd dalliance, what my mother used to call for health rather than love, was all I permitted myselfand even that only rarely.
It might have gone on that way, if Mum hadnt intervened. Eleanor had come to a decision.
Richard, Ive admired you long enough. Youll never marry on your own! You need a matchmaker!
A what? I sputtered, nearly spilling my tea all down my new blazer on her garden terrace.
Youve ruined your jacket she sighed. But lets be frankmy dear, youre wonderful: intelligent, polite, successful. But whos that for? Only me! Its not right. Youve achieved more than men your age even dream of, but youre not happy. I see the way you look at Marinas children. My cousin may be scatterbrained but shes a magnificent mother, and I love her children as if they were my own. Still, my dearest wish is to see you holding your child. That, I assure you, is true happiness. Your father knew it toothere was no greater joy in our lives than you. All this she waved a hand round the garden, its nothing. Houses fall. But life continues through memory and feeling through children. Do you understand me?
I do, Mum. But whats this about a matchmaker?
Because youll never manage it on your own! Sorry, but its true. Youve never been much at talking to women. My oversight, I know. So, its my job to fix it. Since Im hopeless at it myself, well rely on the professionals. Here, take a notepad.
For what?
To write down what you want, silly. Describe her for meyour ideal.
Oh Mum, do we really have to?
Quite! she said, snatching the pen. Lets start with the basics. Eye colour!
We sat talking until dusk, me answering, her scribbling, everything from my secret fears to vague hopes appearing on paper. Even I was surprised, reading the list back.
No such woman exists, I muttered.
Well see! was all Mum said, pocketing the paper.
And she really did find me a wife. Caroline was outwardly everything Id wanted. But of course, theres more to a person than their appearance, as I soon discovered.
It didnt take me long to realise our marriage was really a business arrangement. Apparently, this was nothing unusualplenty of couples we knew lived the same way. Caroline would never cook for me; indeed, she barely acknowledged the concept of homemaking. She was absorbed almost entirely in herself. In the spacious house Id bought after our wedding, we had separate bedroomsshe claimed my snoring was insufferable (Ive never been sure whether I do snore, but frankly it didnt matter). Id have done anything for her; she was my world.
Caroline had no interest in children but knowing a child was part of our unspoken contract, negotiated a delay.
Im still young. I want to see the world first. Youll arrange it, wont you, darling?
Of course I agreed. We travelled, entertained friends, and managedalmostto tolerate each other.
Emilys birth brought a brief phase of peace. I was overjoyed, hurrying home each night to be with my daughter. Only it soon became clear that Caroline wasnt much interested in motherhood.
Im not breastfeeding! Not about to ruin my figure and go under the knife to fix it, thank you very much! Find someone else to feed her or buy formula. Loads of children are bottle-fed; look at you, your mother told me, and you turned out alright! I really dont see the fuss.
Neither her mother nor I could persuade her otherwise. So Emily slurped her formula contentedly while I sought a nanny.
I cant cope! Cooped up in a flat all day with a screaming baby is torture! You get to escape to workIm stuck here, going slowly mad! Want me to have postnatal depression? shed wail.
Carolines mother, Mary, was appalled to learn I was searching for a nanny.
What for? I know your mums busy teaching, but I can be Emilys grandmother! Why bring a stranger into your home?
It seemed a wonderful offer, and for the first time, I seriously quarrelled with Caroline.
Why do I need your mother here? So she can tell me how to live? Are you joking? I thought you actually wanted to helpam I so difficult, Richard? Is it that you dont love me at all?
I do! But I love our daughter too, and you hardly notice her. She ought to have someone, besides me, who loves her!
For once, I was telling the truth. Carolines concern for Emily began and ended with the contents of the nurseryfancy toys, pretty dresses, charming decor. The nursery only existed for her to parade before visiting friends. From the very start, Emily slept in my room, with her cot and all her things close by.
I love my child! As I am able, and as I can! Caroline protested, even breaking down in tears for the first time since our wedding. But I wasnt about to give in.
Your mother stays. Shell look after Emily while Im at work. Whenever you want to take over, just say so and well discuss it. For now, it stays as Ive decided.
Having mulled it over, Caroline must have decided a truce was preferable and her mother, after all, a small price for double the freedom. Mary moved in with us, and for Emily, it was like a whole new world forming alongside her father. She did know her motherwell enough to endure the ten minutes on display in Carolines arms whenever there was company. But given any chance, shed beetle straight to me or her grandmother. There, she was certain of being loved.
Life ticked along. Emily was enrolled first in ballet classes, then a private nursery. She travelled with us since infancy, accustomed to flights and hotels as long as she was with those who never minded having her around.
This particular trip seemed perfectly ordinary until Emily suddenly went down with a temperature and began to complain of headaches.
Thats just perfect! The whole holidays ruined now! Caroline groaned, pacing our suite while we waited for the doctor.
What are you on about, Caroline? Our daughters not well.
Its a silly cold! I did tell youfeeding her ice cream all the time! And you indulge her every whim, no wonder shes sick! What now, Mr. Father of the Year?!
Wait for the doctor, I replied levelly. She blinked and, for once, fell silent.
The doctor examined Emily and declared it nothing seriousjust exhaustion; rest and sleep would sort her out.
But as soon as he left, I told Caroline, Were going back to England.
Why? He said shes fine! Caroline exclaimed, almost crying.
Im not satisfiedtheres more to it. Headaches in a child that age arent normal, and shes now able to tell us how she feels. Enough. Packwere going home.
Tests and scans in a London hospital proved my instincts right. Life seemed to lurch and hold its breath.
We went from one specialist to another. Emily didnt worsen but didnt get better either, which was the only good news. I handed my business to my team, all my hours now spent at Emilys side. Caroline stayed too, but the doctors soon realised this lovely, polished woman was only for showshe didnt know anything about her child and would just nod, hiding tears. They tried not to trouble her, asking their questions of me instead.
The truth was harderCaroline wasnt particularly worried. She saw that the doctors were doing what they could and knew that, in this situation, she was pointless. She grieved for her old freedoms. She loathed hospital smells, despite the private clinics Id found.
Her patience snapped when I told her I was selling our house.
What for, Richard? Are we short of money?
Yes. I said it so simply, she looked stunned.
Butwhat? You always had
Loads of money? Is that what kept you here? Well, yesI did. But Emilys treatment is expensive. She needs surgery and you know it. No one in this country will do it. That means we need a top clinic abroad. All these things cost money. So everythinghouse, business, whatevergoes. Ill do anything for my daughters health.
And what about me? Caroline whispered, tears finally admitting the obvious. Flighty, capricious, impossible, but no fool.
You? You think I dont see how trapped you feel? Im giving you your freedom, Caroline. Ill leave you enough to get bycar, city flat. Live as you wish. Just promise youll visit Emily in hospital at least twice a week, and come with us for her operation. However you are, youre still her mother, and she needs you. Even if just for show. Try to show some compassion. At least pretend you care for our daughter!
For the first time, I let go. I was frightened to the corehands clammy, breath tight, sense of horror. Everything important to me was in that room, clinging to a battered teddy, hand pierced by a drip, while Caroline and I argued outside. And now, the only thing still linking me to the woman smearing mascara on her cheeks was the fragile thread of our child.
Enough! Wash your face and dont you dare upset Emily! She mustnt worry. Youll get everything you want afterwards. But for now, earn it. Understood? Dont make me repeat myself.
What changed just then, in this silly-looking man Caroline always patronised? Shed never have been able to say. She just suddenly noticed that I seemed taller, broadera force she couldnt break, sheltering all those behind me. And whoever took shelter wouldnt need to fear anything at all.
She turned and hurried down the corridor and didnt catch me quietly open the room door, see a mop of ginger curls stir on the pillow.
Dad
Mary, whod been reading to Emily, stood and beckoned me into the hall.
If youll let me stay, Richard
What are you saying, Mary? Of courseyou dont need my permission. I hugged my mother-in-law. Thank you. I honestly dont know how Id manage without you.
Im so ashamed, my dear, so ashamed Its all my fault. I failedI didnt bring her up right She was always such a clever, placid child, always knew how to say and do just what was expected. Where did I go wrong? When did I lose her?
If only we could see where a falls coming we could lay down some straw Im not exactly blameless. I should have done more, earlier. Butdidnt you love her? You were a good mother, a perfect example. How can I avoid making the same mistakes with Emily?
Prepare the straw early, Richard. Mary dabbed her eyes. Now, none of this. We mustnt mope! Emily will sense it in a flash and give us all the run-around. She mustnt worry. Ill settle her for her nap. Could you pop to the shops? She fancied ice cream. Hardly ate lunch today, poor lamb. Andtry to stay patient with Caroline. Give her time. I still want to believewell, never mind
Emilys operation happened a couple of months later. My mother Eleanor gave up work and accompanied us for the trip abroad.
Six months after that, Emily, Dad, and two doting grandmothers returned home. Caroline stayed behind in Europe.
Then began two years of rehabilitation; hope flickered and dimmed but never quite went outuntil the consultant, glasses perched on his nose, finally allowed himself a tired smile:
You did it
And life, so long stalled, took a moment to steady itself, then set off confidently down a new path.
Caroline re-entered Emilys life on her fifteenth birthday. Polished and elegant as ever, she air-kissed Mary, nodded politely to me, and drifted through the party toward the crowd of teens chanting birthday wishes.
Darling
Emily, those same steel-blue eyes, narrowed a touch, studying her mothers face.
Mum
Caroline blurted, trying to explain something only she understood, but Emily cut her off.
No rush. Calm down. Not now. Well talk later.
But I just wanted
I know. It can wait. Not now.
Emily, please
Alright. Follow me.
She murmured a quick word to her friends, led her mother to my study, yanked the curtain aside, curled up on the window seat.
Well? Im listening.
My God, you look so like your father Caroline whispered.
What, just as difficult? Emily almost smiled.
Thats not what I meant.
But I do. Yes. Thats what I am. Do you want to know something, Mum? The man you thought wasnt good enough, who you hurt and left, never once said a bad word about you. Not once! He never brought another woman home because he didnt want to upset me. He hasnt even divorced you. And always said I had a mothereven if you were never around. And you know what else?
What? Carolines voice was faint.
That difficult man taught me the most important thinghow to forgive. Said there was no sense in holding onto bad feelings. Dont know if Im any good at it yet. But Im my fathers daughterif I do something, I see it through. Not sure if Ill manage this time. I barely remember you and dont particularly want a relationship. I dont need you. Ive got Dad and my grandmotherseverything a girl could need, theyve taught me. So why waste my time? But, for Dads sake, Ill give you a chance. Ill let you try to become a mother to me.
And what was I until now?
Anythingan ornament, a cover, an empty shell Is this too harsh? Well, I was small but I remember lying in hospital cradled by Gran Mary, holding Dads hand, not yours. I remember when I went bald from the chemo and Gran Mary cried while Gran Eleanor brought me an atrocious pink sunhat. We laughed so hard I barely made it to the loo. You werent there. I remember starting school a year latethe struggle, the way my grandmothers took turns over homework because Dad was working. I remember Gran Mary sewing me a proper tutu and buying a swan crown, though she knew Id never dance on stage like Id dreamed; I performed for them at home and got more applause than the Royal Ballet ever saw. And Gran Eleanor brought me a huge art set and we painted into the night. Thats my paintingsee? I gave it to Dad for his birthday. Won first prize at the exhibition. And you, again, were nowhere.
Darling, but Im here now
Why? Why are you here?
To be with you
Why dont I believe you? Emily mused, tracing patterns on the glass. Down below, I stood watching. She waved at me, then turned to Caroline. Dont know, do you? Neither do I. So, Im not thinking about it now. Prove youre needed and Ill think about forgiveness. For nowwelcome. Make yourself at home. Cake in an hour. Ive got guests to attend to. Excuse me.
She slid off the window seat, straightened the curtain, and turned at the door.
Whats the verdict, Mumam I difficult?
Caroline just stared, clinging to a shred of hope.
Well, good! Means Im truly my fathers child. Thats grand! Thank you, reallyits the best compliment you could have given me. I think Im nearly ready to try. See you!
A flash of bright copper curls disappeared through the door, and Caroline went to the window, pressing her palm against the traces Emilys fingers had left behind.
