You really are a hard man, William Hawkins! No wonder youre called Wolf. Cant get a smile out of you no matter what. You just look at someone and its enough to send chills down their spine. Whats got you so grim, eh?
Agnes was still nattering on, but William had already tuned her out. He collected his shopping from the counter in the villages only shop and headed for the door in silence.
Oh, and Ellen, she arrived at her mothers just the other day. She even brought her boy with her. You hear that, William Hawkins? What if the childs yours, eh? Is he just going to grow up without knowing his father? The lads the spitting image of you!
Her words seemed to chase him out the door, making William nearly stumble on the low step. He didnt bother turning around. Why would he? Nothing he said would make a difference. And it wasnt in his nature to lay his life out for the gossip mill. Everyone already knew what they wanted. And if they didnt, theyd just make it up. Theres no explaining, no telling it all. Nor should there be. That was between him and Ellen. No one else had any business poking their noses in.
The unusually bright, warm spring sunshine washed over Williams face, making him squint. He shut his eyes, his features tightening into a mask. Eyes still closed, he took a step forward, then anotherand jolted at a childs shout:
Careful!
A young lad rushed up to the shop porch and scooped up two puppies playing on the steps.
Mind! You nearly trod on them!
The boy had a slightly battered nose, deep-set dark eyes under heavy brows, and ears that stuck out just a bitjust like Williams own. The likeness was uncanny. No wonder the village women whispered. Still, William knewknew for surethe boy watching him so intently wasnt his son. Kin, perhaps. But not that close.
Would you like a puppy? See his paws? Just like a wolfs. Hell be strong!
William gave a small shake of his head and walked on, turning not into his usual lane but down the shortcut, which was closer. There, strength left him. Resting against a neighbours high fence, he struggled to breathe, not understanding how to go on.
Why this again? Why had she returned? Why bring the boy who might have been his son, if things had turned out differently? Had her Oskar finally abandoned her?
Thoughts crowded his mind, giving him no peacehis heart stumbling out of rhythm, twisting with the same pain as seven years ago. He remembered it all, cursed thing. You cant order your heart to forget or to be silenteven though you wish you could.
Lucy Smith banged her gate, spotted him, and hurried over.
Will! Whats the matter? Not feeling well? Come, Ill help. Or should I call Elijah?
Her warm hands settled on his shoulders, and he opened his eyes.
No need, Lucy. Thanks, but Ill be alrightjust need a moment
None of that. Lean on me. Thats it. Easy now. Good lad! You men! Always trying to be heroes. But whatll become of you if you push yourself too hard? Theyll blame me, thats whattheyll say, Shes his nurse, why didnt she look after him? Youre my patient, remember! Dont make me regret it. Im checking your blood pressure and giving you a jab or two, and youll be right as rain, like a cucumber straight from the garden! Walk on!
Williams legs barely obeyed, but Lucy was strong. Nearly dragging him, she pulled him into her garden, nudged the gate shut with her foot and called out:
Elijah! Quick, I need you!
What happened next was a blur. William came to on Lucys sofa, something pressing on his chest making it hard to breathe. He thought for a moment that it really was his heart. But opening his eyes, he managed a weak smile.
A soft grey cat lay curled at his side, licking one of her kittens. The rest squirmed on Williams chest.
Mistys got the best sense for people. If she brought her kittens to you, it means youre a good one, Willgenuine. She wouldnt trust just anyone.
Lucy put aside her daughters’ exercise books and fussed around him.
There we aregood as new! Pulse is settled. Will, dont scare me like that again! The roads are awful, you know, the ambulance cant even get here now. What were you thinking, giving us all a fright? Youve still got things to do in this world.
What things, Lucy? Theres only Clover and Buster now. Theyre all Ive got left.
Youve got a fine cowshe needs looking after. If you get sick, wholl care for her then?
Only then did William realise the curtains were drawn and the lights were on.
What time is it, Lucy?
Lie still! Its late. Youre staying here tonight. Dont worryI saw to Clover; shes just fine.
Lucy stood up, laid aside her stethoscope, pecked her husbands cheek, and went off to the kitchen. Elijah took her place by the sofa.
Rough going, eh?
Something like that. Dont know whats come over me.
I do. Ellen.
Dont start, Elijah. William turned away, only to meet the steady gaze of the green-eyed cat.
Even Misty knows how youre hurting, Elijah said, scratching the cat behind the ear. Animalsthey understand. She brought all her kittens just to soothe you. First, she watched Lucy try to bring you round, then, when Lucy said youd sleep, back she came, carrying her kittens one by one. Animals are wisemaybe wiser than us, using their hearts instead of their heads. You bottle everything up. How much more can you bear? Youre a sensible sort, Will, but anyone can see youre worn through, just as Misty does.
And whys that your concern, Elijah?
I owe you. When I was in trouble, you stepped up without asking. Favour for a favour. If theres anything I can do, just let me try.
Dont see what could possibly help.
My gran used to say, Sometimes you just need to pour your sorrow outif not to someone, then into a hole in the ground. Dont keep it inside; itll eat you up whole. Youve carried this burden for too many years. I never asked before as we werent in touch when you were living out at the farm, but seeing Lucy tending to you today Enoughs enough. Youre not a wolf, Willno matter what they call you. Were men; were meant to be together, not alone. Known you since you moved here. What was it, year seven at school?
Year eight
All these years, Will! And still we keep secrets from each other. Were going grey, yet sit in our corners when trouble comes, not saying a word. Thats not right I should have spoken sooner. If you want me gone, Ill go, but if notIll listen, and help if I can. You know Im no gossip.
I know William brushed his hand across the wriggling kittens on his chest and began. What am I meant to say, Elijah? Its shameful. A man shouldnt bare such things to others You saw how I loved Ellen. Chased her all through school, came straight to her after the army. She waited for me You were there at the wedding. You know it all.
I do. But what came between you two? No one ever understood it. One minute, youre together, just finethen poof. Shes gone to the city, and youve moved out to the farm. I remember your mother selling the cow, weeping her eyes out, but she never said a thing.
She didnt know. I told them Id stopped loving Ellen and couldnt stay. Nearly broke their hearts
But there must have been a reason. What happened? You still love her now, I can see it plain as day.
William turned away without answering, the tears long gone. Hed cried them all, wandering the woods, screaming her name, dropping to the cold earth. He couldnt forgive, nor live without her.
Theres only one reason I can think of, but I refuse to believe she cheated on you. Thats not Ellen.
William heaved a sigh, looking at Elijah with haunted eyes.
I saw them. Myself. If anyone else had said it, Id never have believed
Elijah gasped, crossing himself reflexively.
I dont believe it! Tell me everything.
Nothing about it was right, Elijah. She liedtold me she loved only me, but Because of her, I lost not just a wife but my whole family. My parents didnt understand; the rest turned their backs. Whats a man worth if his wife prefers another? I had no strength left none at all
Take your time. Well sort this out.
Whats there to sort? Remember when I was away on business for nearly two months? We were planning to set up the stud farm thensupplying horses to the local sanatorium. Ellen was the keenest of anyoneshe knew horses backwards, like her father did. She urged me to go to the city, make the right contacts. I went and she
Never heard a whisper, and you know how this village isnews travels on the wind, but no one ever said a thing. If shed done anything, Lucy or someone would have told me.
They didnt knowit all happened under our roof. Who brings such shame out into the open? William closed his eyes, heavy with sorrow. Sorry, Elijah. Its hard to say Years Ive kept silent, but youre right What was a pebble has grown into a mountain inside me. I can barely breathe beneath it.
Elijah croaked, Who was it, then? Surely not
With Oscar. My cousin. Hed just moved here with his mother and stayed with us for six months. Ellen and I were finishing the house for the farm. She wanted children so much, though we had a hard time at first. Decided to wait. If its meant to be, it will be, she said. And it wasnot for me, though
Ive seen the boya fine lad. Still, I cant believe shed do that.
Theres no room for doubt, not after what I saw. They were holding each other in the kitchenOscar kissed her! Plain as day.
William started up from the sofa, but Misty suddenly growled, pawing him back into the blanket, scooping a lost kitten close.
Sorry, Mistydidnt mean to
William gathered the kittens gently in his palms.
Thats motherhood for you, Elijaha mother always defends her young, even before theyre born. I knew how much Ellen wanted children, but refused to see a doctor, couldnt believe I was the problem. So she made her choice If not me, then someone else
Dont go making things up now! Youve had too much time alone with your thoughts.
I know how to count. The timing doesnt match. Oscars mother explained everything when Lucy had her baby.
And what did you see when you returned from the city?
They were standing together in the kitchen. Oscar was kissing hershe didnt protest! I saw it, Elijah. With my own eyes.
Lucy reappeared in the doorway.
Time for another jab, Willyou need some proper rest. Thats all for now.
William nodded, giving in to the sleepiness the shot brought on.
Elijah called Lucy out to the hallway once William slept.
You heard everything?
All of it.
So what do you think?
I think I need to go sort all this out, Elijah. Ellens a shell of herself, too. This cant go on. I saw her yesterdaysomethings eating her, but its not guilt. She looks you in the eye with nothing to hide. Im off.
Where?
First, to Williams aunt. Theres a conversation thats long overdue. Then Ill see Ellen. Its late, but things need sorting before William gets any worse.
Lucy threw on her coat and strode out. Elijah sat on the steps, lit a cigarette, and thought about life.
Lifes a funny thing. Just when you think youve got happiness by the tail, youre left holding a scrap of fur. He and Lucy had been through so muchlosing their son, then being blessed, five years later, with twin daughters. Lucy never got over missing the early signs as a doctorthe guilt gnawed at her. Even when she discovered she was carrying twins, fear, not joy, overwhelmed her Maybe thats why her heart aches so at Ellens boy, who grows almost on his own, his mother a pale ghost of a woman, the father absent. Whats a child meant to do with so much sorrow around him?
Elijah checked on William, who slept heavily, and returned to his post outside until dawn crept over the horizon.
At last, when the gate banged, Elijah leapt up to greet Lucy. Her face was streaked with tears.
Oh, Elijah, how cruel people can beeven animals are better sometimes
Lucy sobbed, wiping her cheeks.
Wills boy, Elijahit is his, I know it now. His aunt, Tamara, confessed to everything.
Howd you manage it? Shes kept this for years!
I dont knowmaybe she still has some shred of conscience. I went to her first. Ellen told me what really happened. She wasnt to blameshe was already pregnant, just hadnt found the way to tell William before he left. And shed had three miscarriages before, never spoke of it to anyone, not even her husband. Those twoboth as stubborn as mules! All their pain kept to themselves, and so much harm done
Lucys words poured out: Ellen had been kneading dough when Oscar grabbed her; shed no clue what was coming, thinking only of names for the baby she hoped for. Everything spiraled thenWill running off, Ellen leaving for the city, both not saying a word, both suffering in silence.
And Tamara?
All her doing! Lucys voice shook with rage. She put her son up to it. Shed carried a bitter grudge against her own sister for decadesall over a man, long ago. When Williams mother took Tamara back in, years after shed been widowed, Tamara saw her chance to wreak havoc. She thought, if she could ruin Williams life, itd shatter the whole family. And for a time, it did
Lucy and Elijah held each other in the half-light.
Did you see Williams mother?
Tamara brought me. She confessed everythingon her knees. Tania gave her a slap, then wept her heart out. Shes like Williamso much heart, no spite. She told Tamara to get out, and never come back to the village, not with her son. Then she ran to Ellen. Thats why I was so longthey both needed me. Ellen named her son Samuel, after Williams grandfather.
Elijah hugged Lucy tight.
You did what had to be done.
Too late for happy endings though, I fear. Why do people hide from each other instead of talking honestly? Theyd rather suffer than speak! Im right worked up, ElijahI could fry you a whole pan of scones on my anger!
I wouldnt say no to breakfast. Im starved after waiting for you all night.
Bet you dont even know where the fridge is. Go shave! Ill whip up some scones. The girlsll be up soon, and William will need feeding too. Hes got a long day ahead of him.
The sun lifted over the rooftops, filling Lucys yard with golden light.
William emerged, unsteady, onto the porch, blinking against the glare. A young boy sat on the step, clutching the same pup from the shop.
Are you my dad, then?
Look at himstrong paws! Proper dog, dont you think?
William caught his breath, lowered himself beside the boy, and ruffled the puppy’s head.
Hell be a fine dog. Good choice, he said.
The boys dark eyes, so like his own, studied him, and William cautiously put his hand on the boys shoulder, giving it a little squeeze.
Yes, SamI am your dad.
The lads face lit up. Great! Come onMums making breakfast. Grandmas here, too, and shes promised to take me to see the horses today. Can I go?
At that moment, William felt something inside him easea rope of grief snapping at last, something unfolding, letting him breathe, letting joy in where thered been only pain. Taking the pup from Sams arms, William stood, nodded, and replied:
Course you can. Weve got plenty to do, sonplenty of things ahead. Lets go.William walked with Samuel down the garden path, pup trotting between them, ears flopping with every stride. In the kitchen, sunlight painted wide stripes across the table where Ellen turned at their step, apron dusted with flour. Her hands froze, uncertain, hope warring with doubt in her eyes.
He stopped in the doorway, heart poundingafraid, but more afraid of never trying. Ellens lips trembled; she blinked away tears, stepping forward as if she couldn’t bear the distance a second longer.
Will she began, voice catching.
Her words were swallowed by Samuel, bounding ahead, arms flung wide. Mum! Dads coming with us. Hes staying!
William reached out, grasped Ellens hand, and felt her squeeze back, fierce and trembling. In that moment, what was broken found breathshe was real, his, after all the years wasted on silence and shame.
From the parlor, Tanias laughter rang warm and clear, and Lucy shooed them all to the table. The kitchen filled with the ordinary clatter of cups and the sizzle of scones in the pan. Misty slunk in, kittens trailing behind her, and the pup yipped in delight at her tail. Even Elijah, beaming, caught Williams eye and raised his mug in a silent toast.
William sat at the table, Samuel pressed to his side, Ellens hand in his. Outside, the cockerel crowed, and the scent of new grass drifted in gently.
He was home.
For the first time in years, William smiledand the whole room seemed to breathe out, at peace. Outside, the world spun on as it always had, but inside the little cottage, something precious and simple had been reclaimed: trust, forgiveness, and the gentle promise of beginning again.
And so, as laughter spilled out the open window and the sun climbed higher, William knew this was not an ending, but a morningone bright enough to banish every last shadow.
