How to Start Over
Off out looking like that, are you? asked Margaret, her tone strained as she glanced at the clock above the doornearly eight oclock. Have you seen the time?
Victoria merely smiled, not turning away from the mirror. Her fingers tucked a stray bit of hair behind her ear before she slowly faced her mother. The conversation ahead was hardly pleasant, but shed grown oddly used to it, and learned to tune it out.
Mum, I havent been sixteen in a long while, she replied, her voice steady, lips curling with a small smile. Im an adult now, theres no reason for explanations. Certainly not to you.
Margarets face tightened instantly. Lines deepened across her brow, lips pressed into a thin line. What did this girl think she was doing? How dare she speak like that?
But youre still living under my roof! Margarets voice rose, unmistakable irritation in every word. Victoria arguing backabsolutely unacceptable. And, just so you remember whos going to look after your boy? If you think Ill have anything to do with your unruly eight-year-old, youre dead wrong!
Her entire manner screamed displeasure. Victoria had certainly found her voice lately and who gave her that right? Wasnt it just last year shed crawled back home, begging for help?
I want to drink my tea and watch the telly in peace, not Margaret waved a hand, as if encompassing all the chaos she believed would erupt if she had to mind her grandson. Not chasing after him, not begging him to do his homework, not putting up with his moods! Do you have any idea how draining that is? Every time its the same: he wont eat, hes bored, or suddenly homework is the greatest injustice. And who has to sort it? Me?
All right, thats enough! Victoria cut her mother off sharply, her expression changing in an instantgone were the calm and subtle irony of a moment earlier, replaced by steely determination. James is staying at Eleanors tonight. And for the record, youll be the last person Id ever ask to look after him. I dont want him seeing that sort of behaviour. Children, as you know, soak up everything.
Margaret paused, incredulous. Then she clutched theatrically at her chest, tilting her head back as if mortally wounded. The melodrama would have been amusingif it hadnt been so tense.
So thats how you talk to me now! she exclaimed, voice trembling, perfectly enacting a deeply aggrieved mother. After I took you in after your divorce! I gave you a room, did everything for you, and you
She paused, hoping her daughter would soften, feel guilty. But Victoria didnt flinch. Shed learned every trick in her mothers book and refused to fall for them anymore.
And dont forget, a quarter of this house is legally mine, Victoria cut in coolly. Youre not the only one in charge round here. I have every right to live here without asking your permission.
She watched, almost relished, the surprise on her mothers face. What? Thought Id always plead and apologise?
In fact, youve got no grounds at all to stop me using my own space, Victoria went on, a triumphant note slipping in after years of biting her tongue. She nearly ripped her bags zip, hands shaking as she double-checked she had everything. Still, she managed to keep composed.
And I promise, we wont be here long, she declared, meeting Margarets eyes straight on. A few weeks, maybe a month at most. So grit your teeth and soon youll have forgotten we were ever here.
Margaret laughedshort, brittle, almost mocking. Her voice echoed down the hall, sending a chill through Victoria. Folding her arms, she stared at her daughter, face twisted between contempt and faint satisfaction.
And where will you even go, then? she drawled, each word drawn out with relish. Youve got nothing! You cant get a mortgage, youve no money for a deposit and nowhere to get it from.
She paused, letting Victoria stew in the hopelessness. Then, slowly and deliberately, as if nailing down the coffin lid:
Your ex-husband had the sense to put his flat in his mothers name, so you got nothing in the divorce. You were naïve. Its a disgrace, frankly, that youre my childclearly I failed to bring you up properly.
Victoria felt her insides knot but steeled herself not to show it. Her grip about the bags handle turned white as she fought to keep her voice level.
Thats none of your business, she replied, barely containing her anger, eyes flashing. Im not a clueless little girl anymore. Goodbye. And, by the wayJames left hours ago. The worlds most attentive grandmother. Well done, Mum.
Without waiting for a reply, Victoria spun and strode for the door, her heels ringing out across the old wooden floorboards. She was down the steps and out as fast as she could managedesperate to be far from that house that had never felt truly welcoming.
Outside, the air was brisk, but the cold didnt register. Rage pulsed through her as she walked, spinning thoughts keeping time with her hurried footstepsanything to outrun those last words, that woman she still had to call mother. Any colour had drained from her day; she felt as though under her own personal rain cloud.
Why did I have to get stuck with a mother like that? Victoria fumed. Over and over, like a scratched record. Some might judge her for thinking it, call her ungrateful. But at that moment, she didnt care. She was certain now: sometimes no mum at all would be better than Margaret. Someone who gave you scorn instead of support, ridicule in place of sympathy, cold calculation rather than love.
At first glance, those meeting Margaret thought well of her. She could be all charm: warm smile, gentle words, listening closely with a caring nod. The neighbourly sort, happy to give advice, lend a tin of something, or just listen patiently over a cup of tea.
But those who knew her better saw another side: controlling, opinionated, unyielding. Only her view matteredand she honestly believed she always knew best. Anyone objecting was met with icy eyes and a voice that could slice steel.
Victoria grew up playing by the rules her mother set. Margaret picked her clothes, her activities, even which friends she was permitted to haveas if shortlisting for some elite post.
You shouldnt spend time with that girl, shed order as soon as Victoria made friends with someone from a single-parent family. Not a good influence.
And that boy? Trouble. Wont come to anything, was the verdict on the boisterous lad next door.
But another girl always earned unreserved approval:
Now her, yesher mums in the council offices. Thats useful to know.
Victoria never even got a say about her own future career. Margaret had chosen for her: medicine, end of story. Whether Victoria liked the sight of blood or not was treated like childishness.
Youre faking, Margaret would sigh, eyebrow cocked. Theres nothing wrong with you, dont be dramatic.
Victoria explained until she was hoarse that it wasnt a game, that even a paper cut set her reeling, but to her mother it was weakness, an excuse.
So Victoria did the only thing she saw left: she got married. Eighteen and desperate for freedom, she accepted the first proposal she was offered by a young man she barely knew. There had been no time for weighing it upshe needed out, from the relentless controls and someone elses decisions about everything.
Of course, marriage was no fairy tale. The first year held hope and plans, a new flat together, the start of independence. But it quickly soured. Arguments cropped upabout washing up, about shopping, about money. Then it became deeper: late nights at work, the scent of beer, growing sarcasm and distance. When she tried to talk, shed get, Youre making a fuss, Im just tired.
After their son James was born, things worsened. Endless nights up with the baby, exhaustion fraying every nerve. Petty bickering escalated into full-blown rows; some days theyd shout themselves hoarse, other days theyd barely speak.
Victoria eventually realised her husband wasnt faithfuland worse, he barely pretended otherwise. One night, coming home late, he simply said, Ive met someone. Its no big deal, butlook, if you want to go, go.
She hugged sleeping James close, struck speechless. She longed to scream, to demand answers or an apology, but all she could do was nod and lay the child in bed.
There was nowhere for her to go. No father; Margaret was the only family, and their relationship remained fractious. She couldnt impose upon friends, not with a child in tow. So she stayedputting up with her husbands evenings away, his taunts, his indifference, crying quietly at night with her face in a pillow.
Victoria had left college after just half a year when she found out she was pregnant. Balancing classes and a baby was impossible, and eventually, even the thought of returning fell away when her every hour was spoken for by motherhood.
Eventually, with James in nursery, she managed an evening class in bookkeeping at the local collegethe only reasonable path into paid work. It was nothing like her youthful dreams, but it was independence.
She worked during the day, studied at night, sometimes falling asleep over her books. Yet every time she passed another assessment, it reignited a spark of hopeshe might just get her life back.
At last, she grew confident enough to file for divorce. She had a job, an education (even if, at last, not in medicine), and James was old enough now. Only the housing situation remained: renting alone was impossible in London on her wages. But she did, by law, own a share in her childhood home. It was the only viable choice.
The thought of Margaret was sour medicine. On the one hand, this was once her home; every corner familiar. On the other, it had never been a place she felt truly grown-up.
But she had no other option. Steeling herself, she dialled her mother
*********************
Youll hate it there, said Eleanor, fiddling nervously with the corner of the tablecloth in her kitchen. And think of James! Your mother and her ways, and himhes got a fire in him, Vic, hell never put up with it. Shell be on at him constantly.
Victoria stared out the window. Outside, the first flakes of snow drifted down, like tiny messengers. She exhaled slowly, bracing herself, then turned back to Eleanor.
Its just for a couple of months at most, she said, quietly but resolutely. Weariness flickered across her face, but so did resolve. Youre right, my mum is who she is. But theres no alternative for now. Afterwards, well move, and I wont go out of my way to stay in touch. Itll be up to her.
Eleanor sat back, eyeing her friend closely. There was something in Victorias tonetoo assured, too calm for how unsettled she must be.
What happens after two months? she asked softly, tilting her head. You sound as if youve got it all mapped out, but its not like you.
Victoria gave a mildly secretive smile, reaching for her tea and sipping it before answering.
Im not quite as helpless as Mum thinks, she said at last, meeting Eleanors eyes. And for James sake, Ill go to almost any lengths. Theres someone whos shown some interest in me, actually.
She paused as Eleanors curiosity flared; before she could speak, Victoria raised a hand.
No offence, but Im not naming names yet, she added gently. Not that I dont trust you. I just want to keep this under my hat for now. It feels like an opportunity.
Eleanor nodded, not pressing, though her curiosity was obvious.
And I wont waste it, Victoria straightened, a new fire in her eye. I cant go on living like this, and I wont let James suffer her remarks any longer. I want him to have a home where hes loved, with a mother whos not caught in a daily battle. If it takes a risk, then fineIll take it.
Her words were quiet, but every syllable rang with real convictiona thoughtful decision, not a desperate gamble.
Eleanor reached across and squeezed her hand.
I believe in you, she said simply. But be careful, promise?
Victoria nodded, feeling warmth from her friends support. Uncertainty loomed ahead, but she was sure: there was no turning back.
Do you like him at all? Eleanor asked after a pause. Onlyyou rushed into marriage before, just hoping to escape. Please think this through. Honestly, you could stay with me a bit! Itd be cramped, but James could play with little Sam next door.
Victoria turned the cold cup in her hands, thinking. It was dark now, the streetlights glowed yellow outside, and the kitchen was warm and homely. She looked at Eleanor and smiled properly, genuinely.
Hes a good man, she said softly, but with assurance. I like him. And hes brilliant with kidshe has a son just a bit older than James, thats how we met, actually. At the park. We started talking about the boys, and ended up chatting about everything.
She paused, replaying their first meetings. How he laughed at James stories, how patiently he helped gather dropped toys, never condescending or aloofjust quietly kind.
Its easy around him, she went on, gazing into the distance as though reliving it. He doesnt try to control me or James. Hes supportive, helpful. Hes a wonderful father to his own boyplays with him, explains things patiently, reads together
Eleanor listened, noting the spark in Victorias eyes that had been absent for too long.
And Im not going to regret it, Victoria said firmly, catching her friends gaze. This time its my choice. Ive taken my time. I want a better life for both of us, but this isnt just running from the badit’s moving towards something real. Towards a family where well be cherished.
She breathed deeply, as though casting off old shackles.
I understand your worry, and Im grateful for your offer. But I need to give this a try. If I dont do it now, then when?
Eleanor squeezed her hand once more.
All right, she said warmly. If youre certain, Im with you. Just take care? And remember, if things go wrong, my door is always open.
Victoria felt a flicker of peace. She squeezed Eleanors hand in return.
Thank you, she murmureda small phrase, but one that meant everything.
*********************
Victoria had been right about only needing to stay a couple of months in the old family house. Fate had better plans; Michael proposed, giving her the very chance shed been dreaming ofa completely fresh start. Packing was almost a joy: just clothes, James favourite toys, essentials. In a few hours it was all done, as though even destiny was hastening their escape.
James, more than anyone, was delighted. Hed never much tolerated his strict grandmother, her constant rules and critical remarks. He answered back, banged doors, retreated into his room in protest. Now, eyes bright, for the first time in ages he seemed at peace, able to simply be himself.
Margarets reaction to hearing her daughter was marrying again was stormy. She demanded a meeting with the future son-in-law, her voice shrill with indignation:
I must meet him! If I dont approve, therell be no wedding, do you hear me? I wont stand by and let you make another foolish mistake!
Victoria replied without wavering: Mum, its my decision. There will be no introductions.
The refusal was like dropping a match. Margaret erupted, storming out into the street for all the neighbours to see, shouting out her thoughts about Victorias recklessness, ingratitude, and utter lack of decency.
Those whod only ever known Margaret as the helpful, polite lady down the road were stunned. Some tried calm words, but received only a fresh barrage for their trouble. Disconcerted, the neighbours drifted home, trading whispers: Who would have thought Always seemed so proper
Later, Margaret tried to excuse herselfcalling friends, insisting shed only lost her head out of worrybut her standing never quite recovered. People remembered her as the one whod caused a scene for the whole street to witness.
Victoria, meanwhile, finally found happiness. Her second marriage was everything shed hoped forwarmth, reliability, mutual respect. Michael wasnt just kind and attentive; he was a rock for both her and James. She didnt have to walk on eggshells, or account for every step.
She fulfilled a second dream tooshe started university at last. It wasnt easy, juggling work, study, and family life, but each morning, opening her books, she felt a flame reignited within herthe one her mother had tried to snuff out. Now she was learning something she truly cared about, and it filled her life with meaning.
Her new job wasnt glamorous but was steady, with a kind boss and room for advancement. She learned how to budget, to savethose rainy day savings werent just financial security but a badge of her newfound independence.
Sometimes shed recall that day she fled the family home, and shed catch herself smiling. Now she had everything she once only dared dream of a loving husband, a thriving son, rewarding work, and above all, the knowledge she was finally living life on her own terms.
There would always be challenges, but Victoria was sure of one thing: this time, shed made her own choice.
