Keys
I love him! And all you do is go on about your silly nonsense! I dont want to hear it! Youre just jealous, thats why you cant leave me alone! Go sort out your own life and stop bothering me!
Caroline wasnt just raising her voiceshe was having a full-blown shouting match fit for the West End. Old Mr Jenkins, who was pottering about by his shed, looked up and cocked an ear, which he rarely did, being hard of hearing and even harder to impress. That meant Carolines outburst truly topped the village charts.
As for her reasons, well she was convinced.
For Caroline, being in love was like a religionher soul simply couldnt function without it. If there were breaks between her passionate affairs, they were so brief they were only noticeable to those who knew Caroline inside out. That left just two people: her late mum, and her sister, Emily, whod now stopped pretending to understand Caroline altogether.
Truth be told, Caroline wasnt really living at all when she wasnt in love. Her gaze turned vacant, her thoughts scattered like crisps at a childrens party, and her nerves got so frazzled that her colleagues kept their distance, saying things like, Bit jumpy, arent you, Caroline? Maybe you need a cuppa? Youre not yourself, love.
Caroline would purse her lips, gnash her teeth quietly, and think all sorts of uncharitable things about these sensible women.
They all had it sorted, didnt they? Husbands at home, kids racing about the place And what did Caroline have? Sod all. No home, no husband, and none even on the horizon! Well, she had her son, sure, but promising child? Not quite. Even compared to his cousins, her Peter lagged behind, bless him. Emilys kids, on the other hand, were brainiacs: Sam the football star was a straight-A student who single-handedly disproved the theory that brains and football boots cant mix. And little Sophie, before she even turned ten, had sung and danced her way across more stages than Caroline had ever set foot on.
That gnawed at her. Why them and not her? Caroline had tried every after-school club as a girl but never stuck it out or excelled, always moving on to the next thing the minute she got bored.
That was Carolines life philosophyfollow your heart, because you dont get another shot. No one would come along and hand her happiness on a silver tea tray: Go on, love, take it! Help yourself! Its all yours! No bother, really!
Shed long since figured that one out. Shed always watched Emily, nose-deep in revision, and snorted as she got ready for some party.
Emily, love, if you dont lay off the books, wholl marry you?! Even Gran said a woman shouldnt be cleverer than a man; youll scare off the blokes!
I dont want a boyfriend right now. And Gran didnt actually say that, Caroline.
Didnt she? Pfft, Im off, anywaycan you help with my hair? Toms waiting for me!
Caroline would dash off to her date, while Emily curled up on the sofa with another novel. Two whole hours of peace in the housea rare festival, with Caroline out.
Emily loved her sister, of coursethere wasnt much choice! She knew Carolines nature almost as well as her own. Caroline wasnt truly nasty, just a muddle of feelings and not the most collected or confident, but never bad-hearted. In fact, her softness and kindness far outstripped Emilys. Caroline was always dragging home stray animals she found in the street. Two cats and a scruffy dogrescued after much snivelling and pleadingended up enjoying very long lives. Her parents, knowing better than to fight her, relentedso long as the flat didnt turn into a petting zoo. Caroline took full responsibility and never once asked Emily to walk the dog or clean out the cats. If anything, Emily suspected her sister cared more for animals than people.
Carrie, Mum wants us to go round Grans, help with a bit of cleaning.
You go. Ive got things on.
What things?
Oh, you know, important things. Oscars limping. He needs the vet.
Hes been limping for a week.
So? Gran can manage for herselfOscar cant! Hes a cat!
And off theyd go, arguing, Emily ending up at Grans, and Caroline swanning about in her best blouse, ready for a date with TomOscars leg just a handy excuse.
The sisters parted ways after school. Emily got stellar grades, and Caroline got by, like most people.
Career choices were never an issueCaroline dreamed of becoming a baker. As a child, she was mesmerised by bakery windows, less for the taste than the sugar roses on the cakes. Shed give the cakes to Emily once shed finished admiring them, then go home and make marzipan versions.
Again, the sisters paths split.
Emily moved in with Gran, who needed help, and Grans place was near the university anyway. It worked for everyone: Gran had company, Emily got an extra hours sleep, and peace of mind. Emily loved Gran and worried about her no end. They lived well together, and it was Gran who met Emilys future husband, Ben, first.
Stay as long as you need, dearstheres room for all!
Their wedding was modest but merry, and soon Emily and Ben were living in Grans flat. Gran made her intentions clear:
Emily, the flat will be yours and Bens. As for Caroline, shell have Granddads old roomhe had a spot in a shared house. Wish I couldve seen your little ones grow up, lovelies
She managed to meet her first great-grandson, Sam, and hold him. After a tough year battling after a stroke, Gran passed away when Sam was two. Emily wept bitterly, seeing off the woman whod given so much warmth and care.
Emilys parents didnt quibble with Grans choicesEmily had earned it.
Caroline wasnt fussed either. She was neck-deep in another romance and couldnt have cared less what was willed to whom. She was in love!
Or something like it, anyway. Caroline burned with passion, but her suitor barely noticed hercontent with Caroline coming round, scrubbing and cooking, but never staying the night.
Im an old bachelor, love. I find it hard, hed say, with lofty eyes, ushering her out after ordering her to tidy his studio.
Art, darling, demands everything! But you know I cantIve got so many pressures! Love, responsibility, work Im exhausted!
Caroline would nod, remembering the slightly wonky portrait hed painted of herher first ever! That dusty canvas was proof she could inspire a man.
She got the portrait as a parting gift, after turning up at his door, radiant, with news of her pregnancy.
Shed practically floated down the street, heart brimming; the new life growing inside was a miracle. The moment she told him her hearts song, though, he scowled and cut her off:
A child? Are you nuts?!
It ended predictably and hollowly, like a dropped cup. Her dreams shattered, tiny shards impossible to glue together. Carolines pride was trampled; she asked only for her portrait.
Something to remember
He let her have it, magnanimous as ever. That night, she tore the painting to pieces, vowing, Ill have my happiness yet! Youdoubt it!
She never learned what happened to him. Nor did she careshe had enough to deal with. She had her child, but rather than joy she only found emptiness. She looked for his father in Peter, his geniusfound nothing. Peter was quiet and steady, with no artistic streak at all, happier with a football or a chessboard. He started chess club himself, shrugging at Carolines questions:
Why chess club? Isnt it boring?
Not boring to Peter; he loved the elegant logic, the challenge. Sometimes hed dance about after a tough game to some secret music in his headbut only when his mother couldnt see. Caroline disapproved.
Dancings not for boys! Enough of that!
The only person who truly understood Peter was his cousin, Sophie. The sibling feuds between Caroline and Emily baffled him, but Gran always said, Family is family; you dont turn away from it. If his mother didnt value her gift of a sister, well, he couldnt grasp that, but he remembered Grans words. He got on with Sam, but loved Sophie most. She got himlistened to all his talk of logic and his quiet dreams.
Can you hear it? Sophie would ask, wide-eyed.
Yes. Quiet but beautiful.
So do I Sort of. Want to see?
And off shed danced, trying to show him the feeling in her heart, and Peter knewhe wasnt alone. Someone did understand.
But children cant choose who they seeparents do. And Carolines whims were legendary. After a tiff with Emily, shed forbid Peter from seeing his cousins.
Peter fought this injustice however he could: tantrums, hunger strikes, until at last his mum would snap, Oh, do what you like! Ive had enough of your whinging!
He never understood why his mum kept falling out with Emily. He didnt know that, after he was born, Emily had helped as much as she could, only for Caroline to vanish into romantic drama and to later resent how the inheritance had gone.
Its not fair! Im Grans granddaughter too!
Caroline, I never asked for it! If you want, well sell the flat and split the money. I dont want to row about this.
No! I dont want your charity! Gran always loved you more! You got everything. No ones ever loved me!
Thats not true! What about me? And Mum, and Dad?
What sort of love is that, if you cant understand me? Think I want this flat? I just want to know my family loves me!
Caroline
Enough! I dont want to hear anymore!
Resentment settled between them, building its little nest out of every childhood slighta doll in pink for Emily, Carolines in green; the mascara given to Emily, not Caroline, despite protests; Ben, the house, the job, her child so unlike dreamy Peter. Each moment a brick in Caroline’s lopsided house of hope and longing, misshapen and empty, while Emily, apparently, got every practical thing. But did that make Emily better? Course not! She didnt know about real love, the kind Caroline recognised: love as flight, as life, as a key to happiness only the initiated could find. Emily had no clue about those keys.
Emily felt her own jabs of hurt, but her nest was a wonky thing, barely twigs, quick to blow away at the first sign of reconciliation. And shed always try. After the Youre not my sister! bombshells, shed catch her breath and reach outdetermined that thread between them wouldnt snap.
Their parents died within a year of each other, like it was a pact, and both sisters reeled.
How can this be? Its not fairthey were so young! They had years left!
Caroline, fate doesnt ask. Healths the only thing we cant hang on to. We did all we could. The rest was never up to us Emily would hug her weeping sister.
It isnt right! Lifes not fair!
Whoever said it was? We all think life should give us what we deserve, but thats not how it goes.
Yeah, youre right. It never is
Emily gave up her share of the inheritance to keep the peace, and Caroline, now calmer, got her own flat.
I thought youd want this one, too, Caroline muttered, fussing with her coat as they waited outside the solicitors for Ben.
Why are you like this, Caroline? Were sisters, not strangers.
I dunno, Em. Feels like you dont get me.
And you dont get me But does that matter?
Course it does, Caroline huffed, arms flailing. Whats the point if people dont understand you?
Maybe to try. Everything takes work, Carolineyou know that better than anyone!
Oh, dont I just! Your lifes simple: husband, house, kids. Minejust me! Alone, always.
Thats not true. And what about Peter?
What about him? He practically lives here! You took himhe spends more time in your place than at home!
He feels at home here. Safe
See! Thats my point. Emily, why do you always make me the bad mother? What did I ever do to you?
Caroline, dont shout. When have I ever called you a bad mother? Stop making things up!
You always do! Youre wonderful, your kids are angels, and Im rubbish, and so is my Peter! He hates his own home!
For goodness sake, Caroline! Listen to yourself!
Ben arrived to find his wife alone and in tears.
Why does she do this? What have I done wrong?
He shrugged, offering comfort. Shes got a rotten temper. Life hasnt quite broken her yet.
Emily even stopped crying. Dont say that! What if something really happened? Ben, honestly, I feel sorry for her
Thats good!
What?
That you care. She doesnt know who truly does. Maybe she never will.
Doesnt matter, shes still my sister! She always will be, Emily declared, wiping her tears. Who else is there? Peters too young.
A shaky peace was always better than a fresh bust-up. Emily couldnt bear let the thread snap, no matter how worn.
The men in Carolines life would appear and disappear, leaving behind only confusion and heartache.
Honestly, Caroline, its just funno strings, right? We agreed!
And so all her suitors said: Im not looking for anything serious. You understand, dont you?
Caroline would nod, but quickly forgot her acceptance of their meagre arrangements, and each time was left bewildered when they leftsometimes not even bothering to say it was over.
She gave her alladapted, tried to be what they wanted. If her man liked fishing, she learned how to bait a hook. Shooting? Shed go along to the range, and soon could explain the paperwork required for a gun licence.
She tried desperately to give someone the keys to her happiness, butstrangest thingno one seemed keen on taking them
During one typical romantic saga, Peter spent most of his time at Emilys. Neither Ben nor Emily minded; they treated him like their own. Peter and Sam shared a bunk bed and computer table, and played games online till late, yelling, Sophie! Team up! Youre too quickno fair soloing against you!
Emily would sigh at his progress, reporting back to Caroline: Hes so bright, Carrie! He should switch to a maths school.
Hes fine where he is! Its handykeeps him with Sam. And you keep an eye out.
But Peter has to travel far if he stays at yourshes not sleeping enough.
He can stay longer with youyou know what my lifes like at the moment.
Alright. He can stay.
Thanks! Adams wonderfulhes accepted Peter already! Wants us to be one big family!
Has he proposed?
Not yet, but were getting there! Now, dont ruin this for mehelp me! This could be my chance at happiness!
Of course, Caroline.
Emily wasnt convinced. Adam was pretentious, a bit arrogant, with a weird sense of humour and jokes that left you unsure if you were supposed to laugh or be insulted. It was all very well for Emily or Ben, but Peter? Caroline was blind, not noticing her son had withdrawn and was at Emilys more than home.
Emily protected her nephew and avoided falling out with her sister, but the crunch came as soon as Adam revealed his real interest: he wanted the flat Caroline had inherited from their parents sold.
Emily found out completely by chance. Coming home from work, she rolled her eyes at muddy football boots, Sams and Peters, kicked off in the hallway.
Boys! Whos home? Whats all this mess?
Sophie, emerging from the boys room, closed the door quickly and called softly, Mum
Emily was worried; Sophie looked anxious.
Mum, dont panic, alright? Um, Peterwell his face
Emily didnt wait for details. She hugged Sophie, then headed to the boys room, where Peter was lying in the top bunk, turned to the wall, ice pack pressed to his swollen cheek.
Petey? What happened, love?
Nothing
His voice was muffled and hurthighly uncharacteristic for a boy who never hid his thoughts from Emily, whod become almost a second mum.
Emily climbed the ladder and perched beside him, gently brushing his hair and tracing the bruise.
Was it Adam?
Peter broke down, sobbing into her. He didnt care if it made him look less manly; with Emily, he could be real. No justice in seeing your mums boyfriend twisting her arm, then turning and landing a blow on you with a sneer:
Dont you tell me what to do! Who even are you? Wipe your nose and keep out of grown-up business!
Adam showed Peter his true face: all pretense gone. Peter saw in a flashthis man didnt love his mum, not a bit. Just interest, nothing to do with her happiness. As Sophie had said:
When someone loves you, its obvious, Peter.
Is it?
Course! You see logic and musicI know you do. Loves like music; when you hear it, the next step is obvious.
Not obvious to everyone.
Think your mum cant hear it?
She wants to, but she cant.
Poor her.
Yeah, poor her.
Trying to defend his mum, Peter had lashed out. Adam quickly overpowered him, ending with Carolines frightened whisper, Peter, why did you do that? No further discussion. Peter retreated to his room, crushed, tears choking him. After all, men dont cry, and Adam used to bark, What, crying? Be a man and tidy up!
Once Peter calmed, he packed his school things and his new hoodiea present from Emilyand set off to her house, where he knew hed be accepted.
Emily didnt hesitate after hearing his story; she dialed her sister. When Caroline failed to pick up, she rang Ben.
Where are you? Greatwait downstairs. Give me two minutes; youre driving me to Carolines, now!
Telling the children to stay with Peter, Emily dashed out.
What happened? Ben frowned the moment she got in.
Ill fill you in on the way. Drive!
The conversation with Caroline was doomed before it began. She was in the garden, howling about her miserable life, for Adam, having stormed out, had just left after hurling insults.
You dont understand! I love him! she bellowed at Emilys questions, unable to explain or justify what had just happened.
Love? You love a man who hit your child?! Are you out of your mind? Youre always searching for happiness everywhere but home! Does poor Peter deserve this? Hes your son!
Hes not, hes yours! You took him! He never sees me, wont speak to meits all your fault! You take everything!
What have I taken?
My life! My keys!
What keys?
Emily stopped, suddenly seeing herself and Caroline from the outside. Two grown women, screaming in the garden. Was this really what their parents or gran had wanted? Wasnt the thread between them about to snap?
Calmer, she whispered, What keys, Caroline? What do you mean?
Keys to happiness You have them. I dont.
At last, Emily understood what Caroline meant. She breathed in deeply, then pulled her in for an embrace like their mum once would have done.
Come here, daft thing Oh, Caroline, what am I going to do with you
Call me an idiot, go on, Caroline sniffled but clung on.
No! Not that. Youre just sensitive. Too tender, never enough love for youI can understand that. But dont ask me to accept you choosing a man over your child. Thats not right, Carrie, and you know it. I havent taken anything from youIve got my own keys. Why would I want yours? But yes, we are different.
How? Caroline finally relaxed, crying into her sisters shoulder.
Youre always trying to hand your keys over to someone else. I keep mine to myself.
So which is right?
I dont know. Life will tell.
Seems to have told already How do I carry on? No one needs me.
I do. Isnt that enough? Peter doesdoesnt that matter?
I dont know
Well, start there, love. The rest will come.
And if it doesnt?
Then your keys just arent for that door, and youll never open it no matter how hard you try. And the one door they would open stays closed forever. Dyou really want to spend your life stuck in the hallway, never stepping through?
No.
Of course not! Will you go see Peter?
Hell never forgive me
Caroline, that boy knows more about life than most adults. But dont expect an easy talkhes very hurt.
I know
Dont just stand here! Youre his mumnot some random aunt, alright? Ben, tissues from the glovebox, now! Sort yourself out, Carrie. Off we go, the kids are waiting!
Peter would get a stepdad, but not for some time. Caroline would finally find what shed always hoped for. And even if Peter chose to stay with Emilys family rather than his mums place (where soon his newborn sisters cries would echo), Caroline would try her best to show him he was loved and wanted. The man shed eventually marry would be wiser, giving Peter the time to build a bond that would, with the years, grow stronger than any blood tie.
And one day, as Peter hugged everyone goodbye on the train platform before leaving for his posting, hed shake his stepdads hand and say:
Look after mum, alright?
And the tall man, greying at the temples, would nod, gripping Peters hand.
And you look after yourself, son. Well be waiting for you.
I know.Peter smiled, the way he had as a child when Sophie spun in the garden and music seemed to fill the airexcept now, the melody was his own making. One last hug for his mother, eyes shimmering, he whispered, Ill write, promise.
Caroline clung to him, her grip uncertain, then let go, catching Emilys gaze across the bustle of the station. No more rivalry, no more tallying hurtsjust a profound, silent forgiveness as the trains whistle blew.
When Peters carriage slid away, Caroline stayed rooted on the platform. Ben slipped an arm around Emily, listening as Sophie chattered about music school, Sam jostled Peters empty seat with a gentle laugh, and the baby, tucked in Carolines sling, cooed dreamily. The family, patchworked by old quarrels and stubborn love, stood together watching the train shrink into the distance.
Caroline turned her key in her hand, cool and promising, and finally understood: happiness wouldnt be handed over, nor forced at the wrong door. It was found here, in the waiting and the loving and even the letting go.
As dusk fell, she wiped her cheeks, squared her shoulders, and led her family home, determinedat lastto open the doors that truly mattered.
