Recently, my mum has started living on her own. After she and Dad split up, my brother stayed with her for a while, but eventually he moved in with his girlfriend. Mum confided in me that she finds it difficult, being on her own in such a big houseshe feels a bit frightened, and the loneliness is getting to her. She misses having someone to chat to. I felt bad for her and suggested she might stay with her sister, whos also living alone these days, but Mum wasnt keen on the idea. She reckons at their age its difficult to get on with one another.
Once my brother left, my mum popped round to ours far more frequently, whether it was a planned visit or just dropping ineven during the working week. Weve always welcomed her and are genuinely pleased every time she turns up. We try to get over to see her as well whenever we can. When we visit our in-laws, well often take Mum with us down to their place in the country. We do all we can to make sure she doesnt feel left out or forgotten.
Everything seemed just right until my wife and I had our son. Mum suggested that, since she could help look after her grandson, she might stay with us for a bit, particularly after we brought the baby home from hospital. She made some good points, and after thinking it over, we agreed. To be fair, shes been an enormous helpshe takes care of our little one and helps around the house. What we didnt expect was that shed decide to stay on, pretty much indefinitely. Two months have gone by, and she shows no signs of leaving. Now shes started saying that theres no sense leaving her own house emptymight as well let it out to some tenants
My wife and I are genuinely grateful for Mums help. She really does do a lot for us. But, if Im honest, were starting to feel a bit suffocated by having her around all the time. Wed like a bit more privacy. Mums retired, so shes always in, and shes forever busying herself. She keeps moving things about in the kitchen, reorganising cupboards, and neither of us feels like we have enough space of our own. After all, we made the choice to live on our own for good reasonwere a young family, and our flat isnt big enough for another person long-term. Plus, its awkward not being able to walk around in our dressing gowns or just relax. The situations become stressful. Recently, Mums started telling us how we should live and how we ought to budget, even giving my wife a hard time if she thinks Im not helping enough.
Ive tried having an honest chat with Mum about how important it is for us, as a young couple, to have our own space. But she just wont hear itshe insists its perfectly normal for families to live with their mums, and thinks new parents cant manage a baby on their own. She says, looking after a tiny baby is far too much for us to handle alone. I honestly dont know how to get across to her that shes started to wear out her welcome, and that shes actually become a bit intrusive. I do feel sorry for her, being by herself now.
But, in the end, its not anyones fault that her marriage to Dad ended. Theres nothing stopping her from meeting someone new and starting fresh if she wants.
Reflecting on it all, Im learning that even when you care deeply for someone, you have to set boundaries for your own wellbeing and for your young family. It’s not easy, but sometimes looking after your loved ones means being honest with them, and with yourself.
