Well then, is a marriage certificate really stronger than just living together?
The blokes would always have a laugh at Kate about it.
Im not going to the thirty-year university reunion, I shouted into the phone in answer to my only friend, Mary.
Ill just get depressed afterwards.
Let the lot of them whove been going every year go again they dont notice how much theyve changed.
Mary sounded surprised.
What, do you look so bad now that youre scared to show your face?
We saw each other only five years ago and you looked perfectly fine to me.
Have you put on loads of weight or something?
Its not that! I snapped back.
I just dont want to go, Rita, so stop trying to convince me.
I was hoping Mary would move on and start calling the rest of the list, but this time she wouldnt let up.
Kate, you know our numbers are thinning out.
What, someone passed away? I blurted, a bit startled.
I like to think Im not young any more, but surely not old enough for my friends to start kicking the bucket.
No, no nothing like that.
Some just moved away.
The only one whos passed was Andrew Bush, and that was about twenty-five years ago, I told you already.
So dont make a fuss.
Its just our whole class getting together, four sets of us, but only thirty people in the end.
Didnt you finally get your son married?
Well then, you can have a bit of fun for once.
Mary was still talking, but my mind drifted to thoughts of Andrew Bush, who always had dark rings under his eyes and a heavy look about him.
The lads thought he was a soft touch, but he just had a weak heart.
He was clever, wanted to build a grand suspension bridge in his hometown, but never got to do it.
And what had I done, really?
Id fallen for Ian, who was a site foreman.
Thats where I ended up after I graduated, working on a building site.
Ian would work shifts here in our city and then head back home.
We were together for ages, and he called me his wife in front of everyone.
He used to say, Real love doesnt need a piece of paper.
People stay together out of love, not because of a certificate…
But when I realised I was expecting a baby, it just so happened Ian didnt come back for his next shift.
Turned out he had three kids already, and a wife whod become ill.
Personal circumstances, he said; he handed in his notice and never even told me directly.
Well, what could I demand from a man with three children and a sick wife?
Nothing, of course.
So I quietly left construction myself, before anyone figured it out.
Of course, some of the lads made their jokes as I left:
So, a marriage certificate really is a stronger bond than living together, eh?
But I didnt care by then.
A friend from my block got me a job at the local grocers, close enough to home that when the baby arrived, I could still do a couple of shifts a week.
Mum agreed to look after Jamie, since, as she kept reminding me, Id been a fool to lose such a good job.
You raised me just like this! I shouted at her once, after shed gone on and on.
I expected you to be better! she called back, I worked myself to the bone for your education, and look at you, Kate, making a mess of it!
Well, you get what you grow, I retorted, but regretted it straight away.
We had a cry and a hug, as you do.
But there you go.
What good did it do?
So, when at our five-year university anniversary Mary called inviting me to the reunion, of course I didnt go.
I didnt want to listen to them rabbiting on about their careers, their successful families, swapping photographs.
What would I say, when I was mopping floors in blocks of flats, the school, and the nursery?
What could we possibly talk about?
Actually, more to the point what could they possibly talk about with me?
Everything I did was for Jamie.
He was my only comfort.
When Jamie started nursery, Mum decided her job was done.
Off she went to her sisters in the countryside, claiming she needed fresh air and couldnt stand the city any more.
A couple of years later, luck came my way out of the blue.
I landed a job in my field, even if it was only part-time at first.
Jamie had just started school, so I could do it and still pick him up straight after.
His mates were all a bit jealous, actually.
A colleague started showing an interest but I nipped that in the bud.
Jamie didnt need a strange bloke at home.
No one could replace his dad, and, anyway, who needs the hassle?
I actually turned out to be decent at my job.
When Jamie got older, I was offered a full-time post as an engineer.
The money was better.
Life was manageable.
Still, I always felt not quite good enough, always a bit dowdy.
I never dyed my hair or wore anything showy, and once I hit forty, the greys came through.
I didnt feel like I had the right to be happy, after living with a married man and almost taking him from his kids.
Best to keep your head down, not dress up or draw attention.
Otherwise someone might fancy you again and things would all go wrong.
Besides, happy endings werent for women like me.
There were plenty of divorced women about; I was no better, probably a lot worse.
Even so, Jamie turned out all right.
Growing up with a self-sacrificing mum hadnt spoiled him.
He spent each summer in the country with Gran Iris and her sister, helping out with everything.
Hed dig the veg patch and help the two old ladies plant potatoes, beets, carrots.
Hed do the weeding and watering, and, come autumn, help bring in the crops and put the preserves away.
Even as a young lad, he was strong and would chop wood for them, stacking it tidily in the shed.
Eventually, even my mother admitted she was lucky to have a grandson like him, and so was her sister Lisa, who was still on her own.
So what would I want with some café and a reunion with old classmates, thirty years on?
All these well-worn thoughts flashed through my mind in seconds.
Suddenly I heard Mary pushing again, So, you got it?
Café opposite the halls of residence, next Friday, three oclock.
Youll come, wont you?
At least Ill have someone to talk to, otherwise Ill be completely on my own.
Marys voice wavered unexpectedly, and Im still not sure why I heard myself saying, Yes, Ill come.
I put the phone down and instantly regretted it.
I glanced in the mirror, and picked up the phone again, ready to back out.
But her number was busy every time I called.
In the end, I just felt silly.
Late that night I opened my wardrobe and pulled out the blue dress Jamie bought me for his wedding.
Jamie and his wife Emily had all but bullied me into buying it Emily came with me, made me try on half the shop.
Finally, we settled on that blue dress, which even I liked.
They picked out matching shoes, and Emily took me to a salon: a fresh haircut and my hair dyed for the first time.
That was just last year.
Jamie and Emily live on their own now, and theyre happy.
The greys already grown back; I hardly bother with myself now, no one to dress up for.
Still, I styled my hair, slipped on the blue dress why let it just gather dust?
I put on a dab of lipstick but wiped it off too bold.
The café was busy as I arrived right on time.
Mary spotted me at once and beamed, Kate, you look smashing!
I cant tell you how happy I am to see you!
Mary was a bit bigger than last time, but it suited her made her look younger, somehow.
We chatted for a while, then someone interrupted her, and I just sat quietly drinking juice, listening to the music and looking round the room.
Someone had gone to real trouble with the playlist; it was all songs from our student years, back when we believed we had the world at our feet.
May I have this dance? came a voice through the din.
I looked up and recognised Alex Sharp, from a parallel class.
Hed married in his third year, and Id always been a little envious Id fancied him myself.
Kate, youre more beautiful than ever.
First time Ive come to one of these reunions and I havent recognised half the faces, but I spotted you straight away!
He offered his hand and I didnt refuse.
We danced through several songs, neither of us saying much of anything at all.
Then Alex asked, suddenly,
Kate, can I walk you home?
Ill be honest Ive been divorced a long while.
But if theres someone waiting for you at home, I wont intrude.
Id just like to see you home, its late.
Alex walked me to my door.
The next day, we met again, and after that, never parted.
Emily helped me pick out my wedding dress and shoes.
She was showing already; soon Id be a grandmother.
I felt so awkward, becoming a bride myself at that age.
But I let myself be happy.
Emily whispered to me, Mrs.
Taylor, you look so lovely!
Jamie and I are thrilled for you.
Theres no age limit for happiness its not against the law, you know.
And as I sat at the wedding breakfast, looking at my husband Alex with joy, I finally let myself believe it maybe happiness was something I could have, after all.
I forgave myself, and allowed happiness in.
Looking back, thats the biggest lesson life taught me: happiness is not just for the lucky or the deserving, its for those brave enough to accept it at any age, at any time.
