My boyfriend tells me he loves me, but hes never actually chosen me.
Its been three years like this. Three years of secret meetings. For three years, Ive been hearing the same old promises, living in a relationship that only exists when his wife isnt around.
I didnt enter his life knowing he was married. It was only after a few months that I learned the truth that he and his wife were still living like any normal couple. But by then, I was already deeply involved.
From the very start, everything came with strings attached. Wed only meet on certain days, at certain times, always somewhere no one would recognise us. He never stayed overnight. We never travelled together. I couldn’t even post a photo not even a subtle hint.
If I texted him in the evening and got no reply, I knew why. If he disappeared over the weekend, I understood. His real life was somewhere else, while mine kept revolving around the empty spaces he could occasionally spare for me.
Ive asked him outright, time and time again, whether hed leave his wife. Calmly, maturely. The answer was always the same yes, but not now. He was waiting for the right time. He told me it wasnt easy. There were things to sort out. She depended on him. He didnt want to hurt her. I heard this so many times, I grew to hate that phrase. There was always a new excuse, another deadline, fresh hope.
I was the one who adjusted.
Changing my plans, shuffling my life around. I learned not to ask too many questions to avoid arguments. When he travelled with her, I kept quiet. When he celebrated anniversaries with her, I pretended not to notice. When he came to me after a row at home, I was there to comfort him.
I was the one who listened.
Who understood.
Who waited.
And yet, I was never the one picked.
There were times I thought I might really leave this time. He once told me hed spoken to a solicitor. I told him again how unhappy I was. I went flat-hunting once more. I kept hoping. I kept putting all my faith in him.
But something always came up work, family, money, or its just not the right moment.
And so, I stayed. Stuck in a story that never went anywhere.
Meanwhile, my life rolled on.
My friends are getting married, moving house, making plans for the future.
And me? I lied. Id say I was single, or that I was seeing someone, but nothing serious. I couldnt tell the real story I knew how it sounded, and what people would say. And yet I stayed. Not because I was naïve, but because I loved him. Or maybe just thought I did. Sometimes, Im not quite sure anymore.
The most painful part wasn’t that he didnt leave his wife.
The most painful thing was that he never stood up for me.
If she ever suspected anything, he would pull away from me.
Whenever the tension at home built up, I was the one who disappeared.
When it came to choosing between looking at me or keeping up appearances for her, she always came first.
I wasnt a choice.
I was a backup plan. Someone who would wait.
Im still with him. But Im not the same person any longer.
I want him, but Im so tired.
Tired of understanding.
Tired of waiting.
Tired of making do with the scraps of time and love he can give.
I need advice so I can finally make a decision.
Does this happen to anyone else?
What would you say to a woman in my shoes if she stood before you?
Sometimes, loving someone means knowing when to walk away because you deserve to be chosen, not kept in the shadows.
