Sit down! Nobodys home! Peter said calmly.
Right, theyre ringing the bell! Emily froze, rising from the couch.
Let them, Peter replied.
What if its someone important? Emily asked. Or business?
Saturday, the twelfth, Peter said. You didnt invite anyone, Im not expecting anyone! Whats the verdict?
Ill just peek through the peephole, Emily whispered.
Sit! His voice was steel. Nobodys home! Whoever it is, let them walk back!
Do you even know whos there? Emily asked.
Im guessing, which is why Im telling you to sit and stop flashing the windows!
If its what I think, they wont just walk away! Emily shrugged.
That depends on how long we keep the door shut, Peter answered placidly. Sooner or later theyll be gone.
In any case they wont spend the night in the hallway, and weve got no business going anywhere. So sit, grab the headphones, the phone, and pop on a film.
Peter, my mums calling, Emily said, holding up her screen.
So that means your aunt is at the door with her awkward little son, Peter summed up.
How do you know? Emily was surprised.
If my cousin were standing there Peter let the cousin slip into a slightly rude tone my mum would have called first!
Youre not considering any other possibilities? Emily asked.
If its the neighbours, I have zero desire to chat. If its friends, a few knocks would have sent them on their way already.
Most decent folk would ring ahead and ask if we could host them, not bang for half an hour!
Only our overbearing relatives could be that brazen and inconsiderate.
Peter, its my aunt, Emily said plaintively. Mum sent a message asking where the devil were hiding. Aunt Natalie will stay a few days; shes got business in town.
Tell her the city is full of hotels, Peter chuckled.
Peter! Emily snapped. I cant write that!
I know, Peter mused. Write that were not home, were living in a hotel because the flat is infested with cockroaches!
Perfect! Emily typed the message and hit send.
Aunt wants us to book two rooms: one for her and one for Kevin, Emily stammered.
Say weve got no cash. And mention weve booked two beds in a hostel with fifteen foreigners in the room, Peter smiled at his own ingenuity.
Mum wants to know when well be back, Emily looked at her husband.
Say a week, Peter shrugged.
The doorbell stopped. The couple exhaled in relief.
Peter, Mum texted that Aunt will arrive in a week, Emily said, voice weary.
So well be out of the house again, Peter replied.
Peter, you realise thats not a solution, right? We cant keep running from them forever.
What if they turn up on a weekday? What if they wait at the door after work? My aunt, your secondcousin theyre not exactly saints!
Well, Peter sighed. And the devil suggested we buy a threebedroom flat?
Peter, we were buying that for our future big family, Emily reminded him.
We need a baby! Peter said seriously. Better yet, two at once!
Am I supposed to object? Emily retorted. You know we should get checked! Im not getting any younger!
Cut the nerves and everything will sort itself, Peter said earnestly. Our nerves are alternating yours, then mine! Lets shoo them all back where they came from, because nothing works while they linger!
Emily didnt argue; she knew Peter was right.
When they were about to marry, theyd undergone thorough compatibility and genetic screenings, even fertility checks.
Everything was wonderful after the wedding, until they had to postpone the baby plans to save for a flat.
Relying on an inheritance was hopeless. Before marriage, both Peter and Emily lived with their mums in onebedroom flats. They could only count on themselves.
Five years of hard work and tight budgeting finally bought them a spacious flat.
It was a secondhand house, not brand new, a bit of renovation, furniture practically from scratch. But how happy they were!
They hadnt even celebrated the housewarming when Aunt Natalie turned up, son in tow, and, to keep the young hosts from going crazy, her motherinlaw accompanied her.
Dont worry, theres plenty of room! Not like us squeezing into one tiny bedroom, Aunt Natalie said cheerfully. Ill set up a separate room for Kevin and me!
We dont sleep in the hall, Peter replied. This is a lounge, not a bedroom!
Im not here to work, Im here to stay! Aunt Natalie laughed. Emily, tell your husband itll be noisy with my son snoring! And besides, you havent even set the table yet!
Well, we didnt expect you, Emily blushed.
And the fridge is empty, Peter added.
Thats how it is, Aunt Natalie agreed. Peter, pop to the shop, and Emily dash to the kitchen!
Whats the holdup? shouted the motherinlaw. Youre actually hosting guests!
You didnt see this coming Peter shouted, but Emily whisked him into another room.
When Peter finally got Emilys mouth off, he asked:
Emily, has anyone mixed anything up? Ill throw them out straight to your mum, meaning alongside her! When guests arrive, behave like guests! Whats this, then? Peter fumed.
Peter, shes simple country folk! Thats how they are!
I know the countryside, but rudeness isnt welcome here! Thats exactly it!
Darling, lets not argue with mum and aunt! Theyll drain my nerves anyway! Youll end up an enemy to them! Do you want that?
I dont care what I become to them! If they treat me like this, Ill simply ignore them forever. Let them vanish without a tear!
Peter, love! Have some pity! If we kick Aunt Natalie out now, Mum will curse me, and I have no one else but her!
That finally moved Peter. He clenched his teeth and headed to the shop.
Aunt Natalie lingered three days, then stretched it to two weeks. By the second evening Peter was already on a valerian tablet.
When Aunt Natalie and her son finally left, the young couple celebrated with a broom and mop, scrubbing the flat for three days.
Then the same scenario flipped.
Brother, Im only staying a short while, Dmitri (Peters brother) hugged him, bones creaking. Well settle the business, then head back!
Cant you sort it out alone? Peter asked.
What? Ive got a family! How can I leave them in the village and run to the city? Use your head! Dmitri laughed. If I find an adventure, will you still try to control me?
Is that why youve dragged the kids along? Peter asked.
Who will look after them? Dmitri slapped Peter on the back. They can have fun! Lets reminisce about our youth and explore the town!
Dmitri! Svetlana (their sister) shrieked. Ill teach you a lesson youll never forget!
An hour and a half after Peters brother arrived with his family, Emily clutched a migraine.
The kids ran through the flat, shrieking. Svetlana could only scream; she couldnt hold a conversation.
Dmitri kept darting off to light up the night, which only made Svetlanas screams louder.
Peter, youre practically an only child to mum, Emily whispered, burying her face in a pillow.
Hes a secondcousin on mums side, Peter muttered. I call him my cousin.
Call him whatever, can you please get him out of here?
You know, Id love to, Peter said, hand over heart, but its the same mess as with your aunt. My mum will pull my brain out with a teaspoon and force me to eat it!
They hadnt even managed to say goodbye to one set of visitors before new ones appeared at the door. Aunt Natalie and her son kept popping up with town business.
Cousin Dmitri and his clan periodically dropped by to settle things. The mothers never forgot the kids. Motherinlaw kept picking at the soninlaws brain, the motherinlaw at the daughterinlaws.
The constant nagging wore down the young couples mental health.
Of course, no talk of children could survive this endless carousel of guests. Their health was already shaky, let alone the practicalities.
Shall we swap flats? Emily suggested.
For nicer rooms? Peter smiled. Theyll be given to us soon enough!
No, Emily laughed lightly. Lets swap our flat for an identical one! There are people who want to move to another neighbourhood. Well go, and nobodyll know where we end up!
Thats classic procrastination, Peter snorted. My cousin and your aunt will find new tenants wholl point out where our flat was. Theyll find us and hang us for the trick!
Maybe well have time to have a baby? Emily asked hopeful.
We need to not just have one, but bring a child into the world. Thatll at least give us a reason, Peter shook his head.
Even if you move out, Emily sighed. Should we ask friends to stay with? Maybe hide away!
You mean Val and Kate? Peter asked.
Exactly, Emily nodded. Theyve got a spare room!
Tera lives there, didnt you forget? Peter smiled.
Id rather live with a shepherd dog than with our relatives! Emily dropped her head in defeat.
Stop! Peter shouted, snatching his phone. Val, borrow a dog!
Oh, mate! Im forever in your debt! Kate and I want a holiday, but the little girl cant stay with anyone else! She hates strangers, but knows and trusts you! Ill bring food, bedding, toys, bowls! Ill even pay!
Bring her over! Peter said, delighted.
He returned to Emily, beaming like sunrise:
Call mum and tell her Aunt arrives tomorrow! Ill ring my brother so he can pop over next week!
Are you sure? Emily asked.
Were happy to host them! Peter said warmly. What else are they owed if they dont like our flat?
Cousin Dmitris family settled for a single cheap night before retreating to a comfy hotel.
Aunt Natalie, however, insisted on staying the full two weeks.
Lock that beast somewhere! she warned, hiding behind her sons skinny frame.
Aunt Natalie, are you joking? Peter grinned. Fortyfive kilos of pure muscle! Thats not a lapdog, thats a German shepherd! It could haul any door open!
Why is it eyeing me? Aunt Natalies voice trembled.
She doesnt like strangers, Emily shrugged.
Get rid of her! I cant live in a flat with that animal!
How? Get rid of her? Peter protested. That sweet pup is now ours! We have no kids yet, but we need love, and we adore her!
Well never throw her out! Emily added.
Both mums later called, asking why theyd turned away relatives.
No one chased them away, both answered, they just didnt want to stay. Come over anytime! Well be glad!
And the dog?
Mum, were not refusing anyone!
The mums eventually stopped racing to host everyone.
A month later, Tera returned to her owners, ready to come back at the first call, but there was no need. Emily was waiting for a doubleroom.
Friends, if youd like more of our stories, drop a comment and a like. It keeps us writing! the note at the end.
