“Love or magic,” my old granny Morley used to say, handing down her witchcraft to my niece, Morgan. Youll wield great power, but everything has a price. Thats why we witches never find love, she warned, her voice as crackling as a hearth fire.
Morgan took those words to heart. Men never stuck; if one managed to orbit her, shed fling him into the void. Some were drunk, some full of themselves, some so infatuated I wanted to turn them into a toad, and a few were simply stubborn as a mule without any spell needed.
At last the hereditary witch threw up her hands. If loves cursed, its cursed! To hell with romance! she muttered, and adopted a brazen black tomcat, naming him Puff.
One dreary afternoon a raven-delivered invitation from an old friend at the Academy of Dark Arts, Evelyn, caught Morgan off guard. She unfurled the ebony parchment, the lettering a deep scarlet swirl:
Hello, Morgan! The girls and I have agreed to host a familystyle dinner on Friday the 13th. Sabbaths are fine, but were more than colleagues; were mates, and our partners hardly know each other. We need to bring our significant others. Lenny and I have been together five years now”
Whats Lenny? Morgan thought, trying to recall any detail about Evelyns love life. She remembered next to nothing.
Dinah will bring her Frank. Brett will bring Ernest. And Marian is expecting either Mark or Max she cant keep the names straight. So come with your beloved, but if youre still solo, no worries; well still love having you, the note read.
No worries! you say? Well love you being a fool and single! Morgan shouted, her voice echoing off the stone walls. How had Evelyn and the others sidestepped the ageold witchs curse of lovelessness? Had Morgans power simply repelled affection, or was she the one truly unlucky?
She dismissed the notion of love charms outright. The girls, proud sorceresses, swore never to use lovespells, likening them to a quack doctor poking at a sore eye. If I end up with a face full of pimples, so be it! they declared.
The clock ticked down to the dinner, and Morgans anxiety grew. She could either appear proudly alone, claiming her magic was a shield, or she could bring a companion and spare the girls the awkward silence. A living male shoulder seemed far more appealing than a solitary, enchanted excuse.
Three days before the gathering Morgan panicked. The night before she was a bundle of nerves. When half a day remained, she lost her ability to think straight but gained a sudden urge to act.
She inspected the drawingroom, her eyes landing on Puff, who was now meticulously licking his paw. No! she whispered to herself, then, almost at the same time, Yes! She recalled an old, complicated incantation, muttered the arcane words, and aimed the spell at the cat.
The transformation was swift. A tall, muscular man appeared, his skin the colour of midnight. Youre African? Morgan asked, startled.
Dont mind my shade. Got a problem with it? the man replied, licking his hand with a disdainful flick, just as a cat would.
I have no problem but what about your voice? she pressed, noting his high falsetto clashed with the alpha image shed hoped to present.
You recall the day of the injection? The white walls, the vetlike doctor, the awakening? he asked, eyebrows rising. You never lived through it, did you?
Probably for the best. At least you wont be darting around the back alleys, Morgan muttered, trying to sound indifferent.
Youre off to a dinner, right? Not a ball, she stammered, her thoughts tangled. Your voices gone, youll be silent, Ill speak for you. Youll be called Alex. Your job is to look like a lovestruck gentleman and impress my friends. Got it?
Alex merely sneered, continuing to groom himself. Morgan, doubting hed understood, clarified:
What will you do when we arrive?
I dont like strangers homes, Alex said, fiddling with a dangling amulet, Ill slip into the farthest room, find a bed, and hide under it. Anyone who tries to pull me out will get a swipe.
No hiding! No swipes! Morgan snapped, her tone softening. If you do as I ask, Ill feed you the finest liver forever.
And salmon, Alex added.
And no broken nose? Morgan asked.
Only if I cant find a loo, Ill commandeer someones shoes, he replied.
Fine. Salmon it is, she conceded.
Valerian? Alex asked, eyes gleaming.
Youll be drinking it, Morgan warned. Youll choke on it.
Itll be you choking on the shame Ill give you, Alex retorted, his voice a growl.
Shamemerchant, Morgan muttered, sighing. Youre a blackmailer, you know that?
The night of the dinner, Morgan whispered to AlexAlex, Charm them, but stay silent.
I could purr, that always works, he said.
Dont you dare, she warned. Youll get your tail cut off.
The humans love cutting off bits from us, Alex muttered. Shhh
She crossed her fingers, pressed the doorbell, and the host, Evelyn, greeted them with a tall, trim blond beside her. For a split second Morgan thought Alex might hiss, but he stood there with a harmless smile.
The girls were already assembled. Dinahs Frank was a muscular brunette with a pallid, handsome face that somehow left Morgan uneasy, as if something needed tweaking. Bretts Ernest was a rocksolid, lumbering fellow, slowmoving with a heavy stare. Marians Marksometimes called Maxwas an average bloke, eyes glued to his girlfriend with a devotion that never wavered.
Alex behaved decently, only once tugging at the strap of Bretts dress when she turned away; Morgan snatched the toy from his grasp, threatening to withhold salmon.
The evening unfolded smoothly. Alex kept his silence. The women chattered about how theyd met, future plans, and the like. Morgan found herself scrambling for a romantic anecdote, a legend of how a darkwinged stranger had crashed onto her shore, but the comfort of not being the worst of the lot steadied her. By the second half she was relaxinguntil it happened.
Alex rose from the table.
Where are you off to? Morgan hissed at his ear.
Ive got to go, he snapped back.
Find the shoes! You know where the room is? she demanded.
Of course. Calm down. He slipped away, leaving Morgan on edge. She fretted shed mix up the bathroom with the cloakroom, or worse, start dumping random objects down the loo. An hour passed and Alex hadnt returned. She glanced around: Dinah was adjusting Franks tie, Brett coaxed Ernest to loosen his stonelike expression, Marian listened to Marks love confession, and Evelyn cast a displeased glance at a chickenbonechewing Lenny.
Morgan slipped from the table, muttering, Wheres that beast? She found the catturnedman on the kitchen counter.
Off! she hissed, Get off the table! What are you doing here?
Theres sausage, Alex replied, hissing and purring.
Theres sausage on your plate too! Morgan shouted. That ones better.
Really? Mines tastier, he purred louder.
Off the counter at once! Dont embarrass me! she snapped, wresting him away. He resisted, toppling cups and plates, landing not on four feline paws but on his rump like a ordinary man.
Just then Evelyn burst in.
Whats happening? Alex, are you alright?
Yeah! Morgans frantic mind seized on a clue. Hes panicking! Hes overstimulated.
Hold on, well fix you, Evelyn said, pulling a vial from a cupboard, dropping a spoonful into a cup, and handing it to Alex with a glass of water. Drink, itll calm you.
Before Morgan could stop him, Alex shoved the water away, gulped the entire vial, and swallowed it whole.
He cant have valerian! Morgan realized too late.
Yes I can! Alex roared, voice booming. Now I can do anything!
He bolted, brandishing a fallen beer can like a sword.
Is he alright? Evelyn asked, bewildered.
Allergy to valerian, Morgan muttered, chasing after the rampaging creature.
She caught him in the bedroom, where he vaulted onto the sofa back, hung from the curtains, snapped the rod, and tumbled across the carpet. When she tried to pull him down, Alex sprang up with a mischievous glint and darted toward the pantry.
Biscuit! he shouted from inside a microwavebox, stuffing his black fur into the cardboard.
The whole group gathered, eyes wide, as the catinhumanform tried to cram himself into the flimsy box, which bulged and gave way under his weight.
Hes like my cat! Dinah giggled.
Morgan could only facepalm, echoing a famous captains gesture.
Is it really an allergy? Evelyn squinted, skeptical.
Stop it, Alex grunted, Im a cat!
Blimey! Morgan muttered, recalling a spell to sink someone underground.
How could you? Dinah shouted.
A neutered cat, thats what, Alex quipped, collapsing in the broken box.
Morgan Brett said, reproachful, and a hush fell. Then Dinass boyfriend let out a laugh so loud his pale face turned blue, his head snapping back, and he fell off his chair.
Oops, Dinahs cheeks went as white as snow.
Whats happening? Evelyns voice trembled with shock.
Morgan stared at the stillstanding, seemingly normal torso, then at the trembling head on the floor. I think I revived Frank, Dinah whispered, Zombies are always unreliable his head was on the body, the body just the body after the mishap.
You both betrayed our oath, Evelyn began, stern as a teacher, We swore never to deceive each other. Yet youve trampled the purest trust.
Ernest is a golem, Bret muttered faintly.
light what? Evelyn gasped, eyes darkening. You too, Bret?
Alright, alright, Marian cut in, I must confess. Markwell, Max I charmed him.
A collective Ah! rang out.
Yes, I broke our vow! What else could I do? I thought you all had happy love lives. Evelyn, you always bragged about Lenny. It hurt me badly
We all fell for it, Morgan nodded.
Losers! Evelyn sneered, turning away. Lets go, Lenny.
Lenny stood there, growling at the flailing Africanlooking cat in the box.
Lenny! Evelyn shouted, the growl swelling.
At that moment Morgan decided the human guise was no longer suitable. She muttered a quiet reversal spell. Alex shrank back into his sleek black cat form, while Lenny began to contract, fur sprouting over his limbs until a tiny brown Chihuahua barked at the cat.
Poor Lenny! Marial laughed, and the room erupted in chuckles, except for Evelyn, who flushed scarlet.
An hour later, the witches abandoned their failed suitors and headed to the nearest pub, joining a handful of former darkarts graduates. By tradition, every Friday the 13th theyd drink to their chronic misfortune in love, clinking glasses of ale and sharing stories of curses, broken spells, and the occasional accidental catturnhuman. The night stretched on, full of laughter and the warm glow of camaraderie, proving that even cursed witches could find a bit of solace in a good pint and good company.












