I Never Loved My Wife and Always Told Her So: Its Not Her Fault We Lived Well Enough
I never loved my wife, and Ive told her so many times. It wasnt her fault we lived reasonably well together.
My name is James Whitmore, and I live in Canterbury, where memories of harder times still linger in our hearts. I never loved my wife, Eleanor, and Ive said it to her like a bitter truth I can barely stand. She didnt deserve it never made a scene, never scolded me, always kind and attentive, almost saintly. Yet my heart stayed cold, like the winter frost on the River Medway. There was no love, and it gnawed at me inside.
Every morning, I woke with the same thought: to leave. I dreamed of finding a woman whod set me ablaze, whod leave me breathless. But fate played a cruel trick and turned everything upside down, leaving me lost. Eleanor was comfortable as an old armchair. She kept the house spotless, had a beauty that turned heads, and friends would say, Where did you find her, you lucky devil? Even I didnt know why I deserved her loyalty. Just an ordinary man, nothing special, yet she loved me as if I were her entire world. How was that possible?
Her love suffocated me. Worse still was the thought that if I left, shed be taken by another someone more successful, handsome, wealthier, someone whod cherish what I couldnt. Imagining her in another mans arms filled me with blind rage. She was mine even if Id never loved her. That sense of ownership was stronger than me, stronger than sense. But can you spend a lifetime beside someone your heart doesnt beat for? I thought I could, but I was wrong a storm was brewing inside me, impossible to suppress.
Ill tell her everything tomorrow, I decided as I lay in bed. At breakfast, I mustered what little courage I had. Eleanor, sit down. We need to talk, I began, meeting her calm eyes. Of course, darling. Whats the matter? she replied with her usual warmth. Imagine we divorce. I leave, we live apart She laughed as if Id made a joke. What odd thoughts! Is this some game? Listen, Im serious, I cut in. Alright, imagine we do. What then? she asked, still smiling. Tell me the truth: would you find someone else if I left? She froze. James, whats gotten into you? Why think such things? Concern edged her voice. Because I dont love you. I never have, I blurted, like a blow.
Eleanor paled. What? Are you joking? I dont understand. I want to leave, but the thought of you with another drives me mad, I said, voice shaking with tension. She fell silent, then answered with sad wisdom: I wont find anyone better than you, dont worry. Go. Ill stay alone. Promise? I slipped out without thinking. Of course, she nodded, watching me. Waitwhere would I even go? I hesitated. Youve nowhere to stay? she asked, surprised. No, weve always been together. Seems Ill have to stay nearby, I muttered, feeling the ground vanish beneath me. Dont worry, Eleanor said. After the divorce, well trade this house for two smaller ones. Really? I never expected youd help me so much. Why? I asked, stunned. Because I love you. When you love someone, you dont trap them, her words rang like a verdict.
Months passed. We divorced. Then came the whispers: Eleanor lied. She found another tall, confident, with a warm smile. The flat she inherited from her grandmother? She never considered sharing it. I was left with nothing no home, no family, no faith in people. The betrayal cut deep, like a knife in the back, and to this day I hear her voice: Ill stay alone. A lie. Cold, calculated, and I believed it like a fool.
How can I trust women now? I dont know. My life with her was comfortable but empty, and now I dont even have that. Im in a rented room, staring at the wall, replaying that conversation. Her calm, her words all just a mask. Friends say, Its your fault, James. What did you expect? And theyre right. I didnt love her, yet I wanted to chain her to me like a possession. And she walked away, leaving me in the loneliness I feared most. Maybe thats my penance for the coldness, the selfishness, for never valuing her heart. Now Im alone, and the silence stings more than her leaving. What do they think of me now? I dont even know whos the bigger fool me or her.
