28September
Tonight I finally put pen to paper about the emptiness that has settled over my marriage after twentythree years. After our daughter, Emma, married and moved to London with her husband, its just Edward and me in the house. I can see him pulling away, just as I feel myself drifting.
I called Lily on the phone and begged her to come over this Saturday. Well invite Claire too, just like the old days, I said, Edwards off on a fishing trip with his mates, so we wont be disturbed. She agreed, and I promised to have everything ready.
When Lily and Claire arrived, I slipped on some soft music and led them to the sofa. I disappeared into the kitchen, returned with a tray, set it on the coffee table, and poured brandy into crystal glasses. I looked at my two friends and smiled.
Heres to us beautiful women!
They lifted their glasses, though Claire seemed oddly solemn.
Why the long face, Claire? I asked, Did your virtual boyfriend finally turn up?
She took a sip, scrunched her nose, and muttered, Ugh, this awful stuff.
Awful? Its just a little brandy for a night in, isnt it, Daisy? I laughed, trying to lighten the mood. Daisy, who never touches alcohol shed rather have tea rolled her eyes. Shell never have a proper drink in her life, I added, waving a halffull glass.
Lily, still looking uneasy, finally spoke, I didnt manage to meet my online friend.
Tell us how it went, I prodded.
It was fine. He seems decent good looking, polite, not a bore. Hes got a decent job, a flat in the city, a nice car.
Sounds like a good start, Daisy giggled. By the way, Lily, why dont we set you up on a dating site?
Why would I? I asked, surprised. I have Edward, and it feels improper to look elsewhere. You all do whatever you want, but Im content.
Lily jumped in, You know, some women complain that their husbands ignore them, that they feel invisible.
Romance isnt necessary, Daisy reassured, just a chat can lift the spirits. Lets register you right now.
After a few glasses of brandy, I relented. We crowded around the laptop and typed a brief ad: Witty woman with a good sense of humour seeks a gentleman for interesting conversation. My name is Lily.
I forget the ad almost immediately work gets hectic with reports and client meetings. Two weeks later, while rummaging through my inbox on a Friday, I discover a stack of about twenty replies. Most are crude and I delete them, but one catches my eye.
Ive been longing to talk to an intelligent, lively woman. Ill be honest Im married, but my wife has stopped caring about me. Our life has become a dull routine, and Im not ready to be a old man. Im fortyseven, my name is Ian.
The letter mirrors my own situation. Many couples drift into monotony, it seems. I decide to answer.
My marriage feels offkilter too. Its sad to admit, but we hardly talk hearttoheart any more. Im looking for warm conversation, though I still love my husband. I just want a kindred spirit to share thoughts with, even if its only through letters.
Lily asked me later, Did anyone reply?
Yes, one did the rest were rubbish and I tossed them.
She laughed, Thats what you get on those sites.
Are you still chatting with your virtual friend? I teased.
Oh, absolutely. Greg turned out to be decent, though hes still nursing a broken heart after his divorce. His ex left him for a younger man, almost the same age as his son, who is now married.
I smiled, Well, heal his soul. Maybe youll find love yourself yet.
Two days later, Ian wrote back.
I see we have a lot in common. Im also up for online chatting because, despite everything, I still love my wife. She can be irritating, though especially her friends and their endless girls nights. I cant tell her how I feel; shed be hurt. She spends more time with them than with me.
I thought about it. Maybe Edward feels the same about my friends gatherings, but he never says anything. If he were bothered, hed tell me, wouldnt he? I tried to calm myself.
I replied, I understand your frustration. Women need their own company to unwind, vent, laugh, even cry. It doesnt mean they forget the family. In my case, Edward seems content, but perhaps Im just hopeful.
I shared this with Lily and Daisy; they offered encouragement. Lilys own online romance with Greg was progressing well.
Greg booked a holiday for us in Turkey in two weeks. Sun, sea cant wait, Lily bragged.
Lucky you, Lily, Daisy said. No ones inviting me on a break yet.
Age is just a number, I chuckled, maybe another suitor will appear. Life is unpredictable keep hoping, keep waiting.
Daisy teased, Where is this mysterious suitor hiding?
Soon Lily left for Turkey with Greg. Meanwhile, my correspondence with Ian continued, several messages a week. He was witty and kind, and I found myself looking forward to his replies.
At the same time, the tension with Edward grew. The more he buried himself in work, the more I turned to Ians messages. One evening Edward surprised me with a single white rose.
Why the rose? I asked.
Just because, he replied, though his tone felt forced. I sensed something off. A flicker of suspicion crossed my mind perhaps he had another woman but I couldnt bring myself to ask.
The turning point came when Ian suggested we meet in person.
Veronica, I know we said wed keep it online, but Ive realized we live in the same city. Id love to see who you really are. Lets meet.
I told him, I have nothing to lose; one meeting isnt cheating. Edwards been away a lot anyway.
I prepared for the meeting with more care than usual a haircut, a fresh coat of colour, the sort of change Id been meaning to make for ages. The day arrived, and I imagined Ian holding a white rose, just as Edward had given me.
I walked into the café, and there, across the table, was a familiar face.
Veronica! What are you doing here? Edward exclaimed, looking stunned.
A white rose sat on the table, and the truth hit me like a cold splash of water.
Its you, isnt it? I never guessed Ian was just a madeup name.
Just like Lily, he replied with a wry smile. Sit down; we have a lot to discuss.
The conversation started awkwardly. Guilt gnawed at me for arranging the meeting behind Edwards back, and I was angry that he had done the same. I wondered what Id written to him about my husband.
Edward seemed to wrestle with similar thoughts. I was the first to break the silence.
So youre saying Ive changed for the worse?
No, today you look wonderful. Unfortunately, thats not enough for me.
You said you love your wife is that still true?
Absolutely. Its just that weve stopped understanding each other. You have no time for me, I have none for you, he said sadly.
Youve been spending time on that site, I smirked.
I think we need a fresh start, Edward offered. I smiled, agreeing.
Yes, he said, taking my hands, his eyes meeting mine. Now I see the woman I love sitting across from me.
And I see the man I love, I laughed, its a pity we wont be writing letters any more.
Why not? We could keep corresponding, Edward suggested.
I closed my diary for the night feeling a strange mixture of relief and uncertainty, but also a faint hope that perhaps, after all the detours, we might finally find our way back to each other.
