I am very bitter, I feel like a failure and I don’t want to live like that anymore. From the very beginning I felt like I was an extra person in this life. I had no friends, my parents did not try to understand me either. Constant systematic beatings from my father, bullying from classmates, nagging from teachers. I hated myself and everything around me. It was hard. It seemed like the whole world was against me. No one wanted me, including myself. Untalented, stupid, ugly. Guys liked me, I wasn’t exactly ugly, but everyone ran away from me in the end. Capricious and flighty character mixed with a mountain of complexes and the constant demand for attention, anyone would turn away.
And so, I became an adult. I began to work on myself. Many years of work with psychologists, a lot of books read and bumps filled. I learned to be alone and rely on myself for everything. I stopped communicating with my family, who humiliated me, began to defend personal boundaries, try to adequately respond to barbs and rudeness, although it was given with great difficulty. I still do not have friends. It is too exhausting and difficult for me. But there is my beloved husband, with whom we are alone at each other’s place. We support and help as much as we can. We fight, of course, but we always find a compromise.
But for a few years now we cannot become parents. Both of us are in good health, and IVF hasn’t worked out either. I try not to despair, try to distract myself and move on with my life. I convince myself that children are not synonymous with happiness. But the longer I try to do this, the more I don’t believe myself.
But what bothers me the most is the inner discord. Had a good conversation at work with a girl with a similar problem. Infertility. Except that she and her husband ended up having a successful pregnancy. She is so happy. Very fond of children, often was a counselor at a children’s camp, helped with her nephews. Madly waiting for her little girl, and I can’t see her anymore. Can’t cope with my burning envy and hatred. So, we were each other’s comfort, and now…
I feel like the same complex teenager cornered again. I can’t understand why I’m so jealous of her. Such black envy. Why I care at all. This situation has brought such strife into my life that I’ve been crying at night for months now, not wanting to live and being in a state of sleepy apathy all the time. Everything has lost its colors and turned into one big pain. I stopped communicating with this girl and am waiting for her to go on maternity leave so I don’t see her, but I still often visit her page, see her pictures, and quietly hate myself. Myself. It’s not about her. It’s about me. I understand, but I still can’t do anything.
My husband doesn’t understand, he believes we’ll have our own happiness, but I’ve already given up. Years of therapy for nothing. The psychologist says that if now I am not happy, the child will not help. That I need to find harmony with myself. And I just want to lock myself away from everyone and see nothing and no one.
I’m scared, I’m tired. And bitter. Very bitter. It seems that everyone around me gets everything they want, but not me.
I just wanted to speak out, thank you for reading.
