“You’re not my wifewe never went to the registry office, did we?”
“What kind of wife am I to you? Did we sign papers? Exchange rings? Say vows?”
Emily lowered her gaze. She’d dreamed of all that, but the years slipped by, life rolling on without formalities.
“No! No! And no!” snapped Daniel. “You’re nothing to me! What gave you the idea you could call yourself my wife?”
“Danny, dont shut me outtalk to me!” she pleaded, reaching for his hand.
“Got anything useful to add?” He jerked away. “Youve already put your foot in it!”
“But I didnt even say anything…” Emily mumbled.
“Take note: silence is golden! Especially for you!” He turned pointedly toward the window.
“Stop sulking, love!” She inched closer.
“Shouldve kept your mouth shut!” Daniel threw his hands up. “Where do women learn to wreck everything in one sentence? Is there a secret class on how to send blokes into cardiac arrest?”
Emily assumed he was still sore about their morning rowDaniel had smashed two mugs, his and hers.
“How could you?” she’d fumed. “Most people have hands, but yours are like flippers! Fine, wreck your ownbut why touch mine? Making sure Ive got nothing left to drink from?”
Just a silly domestic spat. The sort of thing you shrug off. But Daniel had stormed out to work and returned in a frosty silence, ignoring her calls to dinner. Time to make up.
“Oh, get over it! Well buy new mugs at Selfridges on Saturday! And your handswell, practice makes perfect!”
“What mugs?!” Daniels eyes flashed. “Do you even realise what youve done with your big mouth?”
“I can apologise…” Emily faltered. “Dont be cross!”
“Apologise?” He let out a hysterical laugh. “If sorry could erase your words, Id be over the moon! But noyouve properly finished me off!”
“For heavens sake, what did I even say?” It finally dawned on herthis wasnt about crockery.
“Who told my boss today that she was speaking to Daniels wife?!” He trembled with rage.
“You were in the shower, the phone rang…” she babbled. “I answered, said to hold on. She asked who I was. So, I said his wife. When I handed it over, shed hung up. Whats the crime?”
“Youre seriously asking?!” Daniel turned beetroot, a vein throbbing. “What wife? Did we sign papers? Exchange rings? Say vows?”
Emily swallowed. Shed dreamed of it, but…
“No! No! And no!” he bellowed. “Youre nobody! What gave you the right to call yourself my wife?”
***
“How longs this pantomime going on?” smirked Margaret.
“Mum…” Emily frowned. “Times have changed. Youre one to judgeafter Dad, you played the field!”
“Dont lie about your mother!” Margaret kept smiling. “At my age, gossip slides right off. But youre youngthink ahead!”
“Mum, fifty-five isnt ancient! You might still land a husband!”
“If a decent man turns up, why not?” She smoothed her silver strands. “Till then, Ill make do with substitutes.”
“Youre outrageous!” Emily snorted.
Then her mother turned serious:
“Love, I get itpeople cohabit, have kids nowadays. But legally? Its just a fling. No guarantees!”
“If theres love, who needs guarantees?”
“Love fadesemptiness stays. A proper husband means alimony, a share in assets. Without papers? Youll get nothing, not even in court!”
“Dan and I are fine! Six years together. Why rush a certificate? We earn the same.”
“Pathetic!” Margaret wagged a finger. “Drop hints! Call him hubby, joke about wifely duties. Ease him into it. Thenwalk him down the aisle!”
“What if I scare him off?” Emily shook her head. “Happiness is fragiledont push your luck.”
“Your life,” sighed Margaret. “But remember: responsibility marks adulthood. Yours? Pure daftness.”
***
Her mothers advice stuck. Marriage was insurance. Even her mate Lucy agreed:
“Imagine you get a mortgage. Its in Dans name. What if you split?”
“Pessimist!”
“Say he wants to gift the flat to his nephew. You wont get a word in! Court without a ring? Waste of time.”
“Ill save receipts, call witnesses!”
“Or…” Lucy grinned slyly, “just sign the papers.”
“Mum says the samecall him hubby, reel him in slow.”
“Well? Get on with it!”
***
Emily started calling Daniel “husband” at every chance. At first, he laughed it offbut soon, he stopped correcting her. She almost believed the charade herself… until she told his boss, “This is his wife.”
***
“Six years together!” Emilys voice wavered. “I thought we were family. Kids, growing old together…”
“You shouldve kept quiet!” He paced furiously. “Why blab to Sarah? Now Im sacked!”
“But I always call you my husband!”
“The difference is, youve wrecked my career!” Daniel slammed his keys down. “I wouldnt marry you nowI wont even live with you! Packing my things!”
“Youre serious?” She gaped. “So I said wife…”
“Sarah kept me on because… well, lets say she fancied her chances. Now Im married? Youre a thorn in her side!”
***
A week later, Sarah herself rang the bell:
“Sorry to bother you,” she said, “but I wanted to explain. Not about sacking himabout your years of deceit. We all thought he was single…”
“We never signed anything,” Emily whispered.
“Live-in girlfriend,” Sarah corrected. “But youre free now. And honestly?” Her lips twitched. “Hes not worth it. Not a husband, not a partnerjust… a total plonker.”
Emily nodded. Nothing left to say.
