Youre not my family anymore
Mum, Ive brought Alice, Tamaras voice floated in from the hallway, making Nina lift her head from her revision notes. Ill pick her up this evening I have to run.
The front door slammed. Nina leaned back in her chair and rubbed the bridge of her nose. A moment later, her mother entered the room, holding her niece in her arms. Three-year-old Alice blinked sleepily.
Again? asked Nina.
Valerie just nodded, lowering the girl to the floor. Alice immediately trotted over to the bed, clambered up with practiced ease, and reached for the bedside table. She dug out a ragged colouring book and a box of coloured pencils, arranging herself with her legs folded underneath her. She did all this silently, as if it was a well-rehearsed ritual.
Nina stood and followed her mother to the lounge. Valerie was already pulling her work bag from the cupboard and rifling through for its contents.
Mum, Nina began, Im in my final year. My dissertation is due in three months. I need to study, not
Tamara needs our help, Valerie cut her off. She went through a bad marriage, you know that. Now shes trying to sort her life out. You must understand.
She can sort it how she likes! hissed Nina in an urgent whisper, careful that Alice wouldnt hear. But why does she push her own responsibilities onto everyone else? Alice is her child, Mum. Hers!
Valerie finally looked her in the eye.
Enough debate. Ive got to go Im late for work. She zipped up her bag. Look after Alice.
Nina wanted to protest to say it wasnt fair, that she had an economics mid-term the day after tomorrow and her dissertation was still half-finished. But one glance at her mother told her it was pointless.
She gave a tight nod.
Valerie left. Nina returned to her room. Alice was colouring in a unicorn with a purple pencil, her tongue sticking out in concentration.
Aunty Nina, look! Offering her masterpiece, Alice beamed with pride. Isnt it pretty?
Very pretty, Alice. Nina sat beside her on the bed, nudging her notes aside to the far end of the desk.
The day oozed slowly by they coloured, then watched cartoons on the laptop, then Alice was hungry and Nina boiled some pasta for her, attempting to read her textbook propped on the kitchen table. The words blurred together, meaning lost. Alice spilled apple juice on the tablecloth, later whined when tired but refused to sleep or play. Nina paced the flat with Alice in her arms, humming aimlessly until the girl nodded off on her shoulder.
By evening, Nina felt completely drained. Her book still lay open to the same page.
Tamara appeared around seven. Nina let her in, Alice heavy and dozing against her shoulder.
Come on, baby, Tamara gathered her up. Were off.
And out she went. No thank you. Not a word about how Alice had behaved.
Nina was sick of all of it.
The pattern repeated for two months: Alice would be dropped off without warning, Tamara would disappear, and Nina tried to juggle her studies with playing nanny. She finished her dissertation in the end, but only by working late into each night while her niece slept in the next room.
Then Tamara met Ian. Things moved fast within three months, Nina found herself at the registry office, watching her sister radiant in white beside a broad-shouldered man gazing down in adoration. Valerie wept for joy, dabbing her eyes with a tissue. Alice twirled in her pink dress underfoot. Nina clapped along with the rest, hoping perhaps this time Tamara would settle and focus on her own family.
Soon Tamara had a baby boy, Charlie. Nina went to the hospital with flowers and blue balloons, holding the tiny bundle and thinking at last her sister had found happiness. Ian looked a proud dad, and Alice, gravely, announced to everyone she was now a big sister.
It lasted eight months.
Nina was at work, in the middle of a quarterly report, when her mother called in a fluster. Ian had an affair Tamara found the messages. Rows, accusations, divorce.
Nina sat at her desk, massaging her temples, phone pressed to her ear. History was repeating itself, only now there were two kids.
Tamara coped even worse than before. She turned up at Valeries in tears, leaving the kids and vanishing to collect herself. She might return in a few hours, or sometimes not until the following day.
Nina could only conclude that her life was slipping slowly out of her control.
A year passed. Nina earned a promotion but barely had time to relish it. Tamara met Andrew, and the cycle began again: flowers, dinners, glowing chatter about how wonderful he was nothing like the others. The third wedding was quiet, just immediate family. Nina drank her glass of champagne and thought gloomily that things would soon get even worse.
Valerie phoned during Ninas lunch break. Nina sat in the café across from her office, idly poking salad with her fork, planning her evening grocery run.
Nina, her mother said, her tone oddly taut, half excited and half troubled, Are you sitting down?
Yes, Im sitting, said Nina, putting her fork down. Whats happened?
Tamaras pregnant.
The words hung in the air, blending with the scent of coffee and background chatter.
Twins, Valerie added. Identical.
Nina stared mutely at her salad, the rocket leaves a green blur. Four children. Tamara was to have four children by three different husbands. And when this new marriage inevitably collapsed which it would, why wouldnt it? all those children would end up her responsibility again, and her mothers.
Nina, can you hear me? Valeries voice edged into insistence. Hello?
I can hear you, Mum, Nina rubbed her nose between thumb and forefinger. Pass on my congratulations to Tamara.
She cut the call before her mother could respond, and sat still, staring at her darkened phone screen. Her appetite vanished as if it had never existed.
That evening, Nina returned home exhausted and empty. Valerie sat at the kitchen table, clutching a cold cup of tea, and as soon as Nina entered, she began talking rapidly, as if afraid Nina might interrupt her.
Nina, Ive racked my brains, I dont know how its come to this twins, that makes four children. What happens if it all falls apart again? You know what shes like. Men come first, children come after, and then what? Were not getting any younger, my blood pressure is all over the place, youve got your job how are we meant to cope if it comes to that?
Nina hung her bag on the hook by the door and walked to the table, but didnt sit. She stood looking down at her mothers thinning, greying hair, the dark circles beneath her eyes, her nervous fingers wound tight around her mug.
Mum, Nina said, and Valerie fell abruptly quiet. I want to leave. Move to another city.
Valerie froze, staring wide-eyed at her daughter as if Nina was speaking a foreign language.
I cant do this anymore, Nina continued, her tone flat with exhaustion. I cant keep living my life around Tamaras crises. Ive done enough for her, Mum. More than enough. Ive sacrificed my time, my degree, my relationships, my career. Im finished.
Valerie tried to speak, but Nina raised a hand to stop her.
Ill take you with me if you want, Mum. If you want to get out, well go together and make a fresh start. If not, Ill go alone. Im done raising Tamaras children, Mum. I love them, but theyre not mine. They arent my responsibility.
She said it all in one breath, as if shedding a great weight shed borne for years. Valerie was silent, staring through Nina towards some spot on the wall, her expression unreadable.
Nina waited another minute, but her mother still said nothing. So Nina returned to her room, lay down on her bed fully dressed, and stared at the ceiling. Her heart hammered, palms damp. At last, shed finally said aloud what shed been repressing for months.
She only slept in the small hours.
When she woke, there was a folder on the kitchen table. Nina recognised it her mother kept the flats title deeds inside, inherited from her grandmother when Nina was still a teenager. She flicked through the paperwork, not sure why her mother had got it out.
Well sell, came her mothers voice from the doorway, making Nina start.
Valerie stood pale and drained after a sleepless night, but strangely composed, as if shed made a vital decision and clung to it with both hands.
A third goes to Tamara thats her legal share, Valerie went on, coming to sit. Well use the rest for a place somewhere else. Something small, we dont need much.
Nina stared at her mother, barely able to believe what shed heard. She wanted to ask again, to make sure but Valerie met her gaze, and in her eyes, Nina saw the same exhaustion haunting her own. Valerie just hid it better, or perhaps Nina had refused to see it.
She hugged her mother tightly, squeezing her eyes shut, burying her face in her shoulder. Valerie hugged her back and stroked her hair, just as she had when Nina was a child.
Well leave, love, she whispered. Enough is enough.
They arranged everything in two months: quietly, systematically. They found a buyer for the flat and chose a small two-bed in a town 250 miles away. Nothing fancy. Nina arranged for a transfer to her companys local branch. Through it all, neither of them told Tamara a word.
They broke the news only on the very last day, after the packing was done and their train tickets were in Valeries bag. Tamara burst in half an hour after their call seven months pregnant, her bump massive, her face twisted with anger.
What do you think youre doing? she yelled, not even taking her shoes off. Youre abandoning me? Now, when Im about to have twins?
Nina handed Tamara an envelope of cash her share of the sale. Tamara snatched it, peered inside, her face contorting further.
And what am I supposed to do with this? she screamed, throwing the envelope to the floor, notes scattering over the linoleum. I need help, not handouts! Im going through a rough patch, dont you see?
Youve been going through a rough patch for five years, Tamara, Nina answered. Were exhausted.
Exhausted? You? And Im relaxing, am I? With two kids and twins on the way?
You made these choices, Tamara, Nina corrected her quietly. Now its our turn.
Tamara glanced desperately at Valerie, looking for support, but Valerie turned away, busying herself with her handbag.
Youre not my family anymore, Tamara hissed, gathering the envelope with shaking hands. Not either of you.
She stormed out, and Nina and Valerie looked at one another without a word. Nina hoisted her bag onto her shoulder. Valerie grabbed her suitcase. Together, they locked up for the last time and carried their things downstairs.
The train was due in an hour. Nina sat by the window, watching the platform slip away as the train eased out of the station streetlights, garages, and the weary tower blocks of the edge of town blurring past. Valerie, utterly worn out by the move and the last encounter, drifted to sleep beside her, her head on Ninas shoulder.
The city faded into the horizon, taking with it years of arguments, children foisted on her, guilt and impossible expectations. Nina leaned back at last and drew her first free breath for as long as she could remember. What lay ahead was unknown.
The train sped on and, eyes closed, Nina felt the weight finally lift.
