Tina was utterly exhausted. She had been alone for six years since her husband left. Her daughter got married last year and moved to a different city.
At just forty-two, Tina was at a wonderful age for a woman – a second youth. She was a fantastic homemaker, renowned for her pickled cucumbers and tomatoes, which everyone dubbed a masterpiece. But who would she make them for now? Her balcony was already lined with jars sitting idle.
“I’m not about to waste away all alone, looking this good!” Tina often told her friends, who would reply, “Absolutely not! You should find a husband. There are plenty of single men around.”
One of her friends recommended an agency called “Best Husband.” Tina thought it seemed absurd and a bit desperate to contact an agency. But then again, she was forty-two, and that number unnerved her. The old grandfather clock on the wall ticked away time with an ominous rhythm.
So, Tina went to the agency. A cheerful lady in magenta glasses greeted her and said, “We truly have the best here. Let’s take a look at our database together. Please, take a seat!”
“They all look handsome in their photos,” Tina chuckled. “But how do you truly know someone? How can you tell if they’re the right one?”
“We have it figured out,” the lady responded. “We offer a one-week trial period. It’s enough time to determine if he’s right for you or if you should keep looking.”
“Who do you offer?” Tina asked.
“A man!” the lady replied.
“How does that work?” Tina queried.
“Simple! He stays with you for a week. We don’t waste time with introductions; we’re straight to the point. And no, we don’t have any weirdos or maniacs.”
The concept intrigued Tina. She found herself excited by the idea. Alongside the magenta-clad lady, she picked out five candidates. Tina paid a small fee and hurried home. The first one was due to arrive that very evening.
Tina donned a green dress – the color of hope – and adorned herself with diamond earrings she rarely fetched from her old jewelry box.
Ding! The doorbell rang. Peeking through the spyhole, Tina spotted roses, and a small squeal of joy escaped her. She opened the door to a man who indeed looked just as elegant as his photo suggested.
They settled at the table, and Tina placed the bouquet at its center. While sneaking glances at her charming guest, she mused, “That’s it! No need for anyone else. This is the one!”
They started with salad, but her potential future husband grimaced, “A bit too salty, isn’t it?” Tina smiled awkwardly and served the roasted duck. He chewed a piece, remarking, “A bit tough, don’t you think?” He wasn’t impressed with the other dishes either. In the hustle, Tina had forgotten about the wine she’d carefully chosen. She poured it and proposed a toast, “To new beginnings!” He sniffed the glass, took a sip, and said, “This is cheap stuff.” Getting up, he added, “Let’s check out your décor…”
Tina handed him the bouquet, “I’m not a fan of roses. Goodbye.” That night, she shed a few tears, feeling hurt but reminded herself there were four more to meet.
The second candidate arrived the next evening, confidently stepping in with a loud, “Hello!” He reeked of alcohol. “Celebrated our meeting somewhere already?” Tina inquired. He smirked, “Oh, lighten up! Got a TV? There’s a match starting. Arsenal vs. Chelsea. We can chat while we watch.” Tina retorted sharply, “Watch TV at your own place.”
Alone again that night, she cried once more.
Two days later, the third candidate appeared. He wasn’t handsome, clad in an old jacket with unkempt nails and muddy shoes. Tina thought of a polite way to dismiss him but decided to feed him first. He devoured the meal quickly, showering her with praise. Tina was flustered. She offered some pickles. “My goodness!” exclaimed the plain-looking man, “This is the best I’ve ever tasted!”
Just then, the clock struck. The man listened intently, “What’s that racket?” Heading into the room, he stood on a stool and examined the clock, “I can fix this! Got any tools?”
Soon, the clock was chiming clean and clear, bringing joy to Tina. She took it as a sign; perhaps this plain man was meant to be her husband. He was handy, and the muddy shoes and nails were trivial issues that could be cleaned up. Plus, he was the third, a lucky number.
They had the night ahead. Tina prepared by visiting a beauty salon and laying out seductive linens adorned with large roses (she truly did love them). When Tina stepped out of the bathroom, she found her guest already snoozing, fully clothed. This didn’t bother her. She regarded him tenderly, “Poor thing, you must be exhausted.” She gingerly lay down beside him.
Then the nightmare began. This handyman started snoring – loudly, richly, intensely. Tina tried muffling herself, then him, even turning his slumbering body, all in vain. She suffered through a sleepless night.
In the morning, he walked into the kitchen where a sullen Tina sat. “So, shall I move in with my stuff tonight?”
Tina shook her head, “No, sorry. You’re nice, but… no.”
When the fourth candidate arrived, bearded and rugged, he reminded Tina of a character from an old movie about adventurers. She even permitted him to smoke in the kitchen. Puffing proudly, he said, “Tina, let’s lay it out first. I’m a free spirit. I love fishing and spontaneous trips with friends. I can’t stand being phoned and asked ‘Where are you?’ Got it?”
Watching him flick ash into her orchid pot, she asked, “Are you also a ladies’ man?” He chuckled, “Why not? I told you – freedom! It’s only natural for a guy.”
After he left, Tina aired the kitchen thoroughly. Her head throbbed, and she felt utterly drained, as though three pints of blood had been drawn. She didn’t even bother with the dishes.
The next morning, sunlight seeped through the curtains as joyful sparrows chirped. Tina realized how content she was. A Saturday. No rush, no one bothering her, no one snoring or murmuring. The dishes? She’d wash them whenever she pleased. Peace and freedom washed over her.
Just then, the phone rang: “Tina! This is the ‘Best Husband’ agency. You have one more candidate today, remember? He’s perfect, really your match!”
Tina practically shouted into the phone, “Take me off your list! Delete me from your files! I don’t want anyone more! The best husband is the one who doesn’t exist!”
She burst into laughter, flinging open the curtains wide.
