Who knows where the river of fate will turn
For the past month, John had seemed distant, lost in thought and speaking little to me. I couldnt help but worry about him.
Hes ill, surely hes ill, I kept repeating to myself. Hell be forty-five soon, and Ive been arranging a birthday dinner at a little bistro. I need to grab him by the hand and march him straight to the doctor. Good thing Ive got a friend at the surgery. He really ought to get checked, run some blood tests, whatever else they do…
I poured my heart out to my close friend, Sarah, voicing all my suspicions. Suddenly, she said, You know, when my Gary fell in love with someone else, he went around like a lost puppy as well.
Sarah! You cant compare your Gary to my John, I huffed, waving her comment away.
And why not? What makes your John better than my Gary?
Thats the point, isnt it? Hes not. Your Gary is a charmer, a real flirt, loves the pub and a good laugh. My John? He barely says two words, Sarah. I was the one who asked him to marry me, remember? If I hadnt moved in with him, hed probably still be a bachelor.
Last year, Sarah caught her Gary with another woman. I comforted her as best I could.
Chuck him, love! Focus on yourself, stop crying over him. Boot the cheating sod out.
Sarah went wild after that. She banished Gary, went clubbing and bar hopping, flirted with men left and right, cut her hair short and claimed it was a new look. I stared at her in shockId meant try a new hobby, maybe take a dance class, get fit, learn something new, not spiral like that.
Still, Sarah forgave Gary after a bit. But I couldnt understand her.
Id never forgive John for something like that, I thought to myself.
John and I have been married for ages nowtwenty-six years come next month. We know each other inside out. Weve weathered everything together and raised two boys, soon itll be time for our quiet twilight years. Mind you, were not old yet. Id already discussed Johns birthday with the whole family. Id fill him in later.
We married just before finishing university. Met on a hiking tripdifferent departments, but same city. It was on the fourth-year hiking trip, not everyone went, but both of us ended up sat round the campfire. I noticed John first, so shy and reserved. I was shy too, at first, though somehow, we gradually drifted together. I even took him under my wing, I sewed a button that hed lost on his shirt after hed caught it on a branch.
John insisted on carrying my heavy rucksack, and our friendship turned into something deeper. One day, I admitted I loved him, and soon after he quietly said, Lizzie, I think Im in love with you too.
Well, I grinned, we ought to live together then. Ill move in with you and well register at the council office. He didnt protest.
So, I packed up and moved into the flat John shared with his elderly nan. No one was happier than Johns dadafter all, Gran Rose was his mother, and Johns mum refused to look after her. So soft-hearted John moved in when Gran fell ill, and now I cared for her.
John, love, Gran Rose would say, your Lizzies a marvel, always busy, makes the place shine. Shes just what you need. Once youre properly married, Ill sign the flat over to you both. Be good to Lizzie.
We married before long, and soon after Gran passed away. Our boys came along one after the other, now men: Jacks twenty-three and Sams twenty-one. Life trundled along pleasantly, holidays togethernever missed a summer. Seaside in Cornwall, hiking the Lake District, even flew to Spain a couple of times. But lately, Johns been a shadow of himself. Just the other day, he muttered, Looks like lifes passed us by, Liz. I dont know what we ever had except the ordinary stuff.
That upset me. John, what nonsense! Weve never been bored at home, think of all our tripsCornwall, Devon, hiking in the Peaks, even Spain! The boys are grown now, soon there might be grandkids.
Thats not what I mean, he sighed, staring off into nowhere.
I had my own list of things to do. John, should we invite Max and Jenny for your birthday? Theyre your mates, even if they are over in Manchester.
For what? he blinked.
For your birthday, John, the big four-five! Ive booked the bistro.
Have you now? Wasnt told about that, and again, he gave me that odd look.
Now, here I am, sitting alone on the sofa for the third hour, just staring, not a tear left.
Never thought something like this would happen to me.
Tonight, John came home early from work, which startled mehed been working late for the past year and a half.
Evening, he said, sitting at the kitchen table, not even taking off his leather jacket.
Come on, John, hang your coat, wash up, lets eat, I said, trying to sound normal.
John just stared at the floor.
Lizzie, Im leaving. Im sorry, he said quietly.
What do you mean, leaving? Take off your coat. You feeling alright? I thought you might be ill lately… It’s okay, well see a doctor, sort it…
He looked up and met my eyes with a gaze I barely recognised.
Im fine, nothing to do with a doctor… Its just, Ive fallen in love, Liz. For two years, Ive been seeing someone from my department at work.
Found yourself a young thing, eh? I snapped, sudden fire rushing up inside me.
No, shes not younger. Shes just… different. Not a great beauty, just a real woman, Liz.
And what am I, John? I asked, baffled.
He shrugged, as if shaking something off. You? Youre my boss. Im just a dog on your lead. Cant take a step without you. You make every decisionmy clothes, where to go on holiday, what we eat, how we celebrate birthdays You wont let me go to the football because you see no point, but I love football, Liz. Ive got no say in my own life.
But John, I only mean well for us, for you, I began, but he cut across me.
Every penny I earn goes to you. You give me cash for cigarettes or coffee. Doesnt it occur to you thats a bit much? I cant have a pint with my colleagues after work, head to a bar, nothingbecause Ive never got money in my pocket. His voice was level, but there was a finality to it.
I knelt down, searching his eyes. But John, thats just how weve always done things. If you want, Ill make sure you have money for your Fridays with the lads, football trips, shoppingpick your own gear for once.
He just looked at melost, sad, but resolved.
Lizzie, you still dont get it, he raised his voice, something Id rarely heard. I want room to breathe, to run my own life, eat what I like, go where I want. I never do anything on my own, never have my own space to thinkeverything is how you want it, always. But that cant last forever; I feel like a child with a guardian. You decide everything, every day. I cant take it anymore.
She allows me to look after her.
Oh God, John, and this other womanshes not like me? My voice cracked.
No, shes not. Shes a real woman, and I could see his eyes glitter as he spoke about her. She lets me look after her, lets me be a man. Do you understand?
Id never seen John come alive like this. It hit mehes truly fallen, just like when we were young.
But surely not at our age, I thought desperately. At this age, its shameful, whats come over him? Oh God Out loud, I said, John, for a passing fancy, youll tear the family apart? What will people say, John? Think about it! Everyone thinks we have the perfect marriage.
What people, Lizzie? What perfect marriage?
For the first time, I realised John was in open revolt, and I had no power over it. Tears stung my eyes, something I never expected after all these years.
Youre crying, Liz? He was surprised.
I flung my arms around him, but he gently unhooked them, went into the bedroom, packed a bag, and with his suitcase in hand, walked out. The flat grew deathly quiet.
How could I have guessed that fate would take such a strange turnhow from comfortable, married woman, Id suddenly be alone, and old age stretching ahead, empty?
I rang Sarah. She came rushing round, holding me as I sobbed.
Oh Lizzie, come on, love. Its not the end of the world. Chin up, eh? Like you always told me, take a new course, try something fresh Didnt help me muchmy Gary just had some silly fling and begged forgiveness, he loves me really, cant do better than me. Maybe your John will be back too, she said, though I saw in her eyes she didnt truly believe it. John wasnt Gary, not by a long shot.
No, Sarah. My Johns gone for good. Youd have to know him.
After she left, I spent a long time just staring at the floor, not sure what to do with myself, unsure who to care for now, who to boss about, who to give my advice to. Ill have to get used to being alone. But who knows what future the river of fate holds? Perhaps Ill find myself on a different shore someday.
