When America Takes You Apart, and Home Forgets the Warmth: The Immigrants Betrayal of Return
A story of how nine years of career, success, and becoming a stranger cost more than millions in the bank
Eight years.
Eight yearsand Emily is flying home.
Not just to some place or flat, as other immigrants might call their rented space on foreign soil. Shes returning to a real home.
Heathrow, departures hall. Emily steps through the entrance, eyes glistening in betrayal. Shes got enough money to pay the oversized baggage fees, but not enough time to put into words what shes feeling right now.
She knows: her mum is waiting.
What she doesnt know: whether her mum will want to see the woman who walks out of that airport.
Chapter 1. The Day of the Promise
Eight years agosame airport, same terminal. But Emily was someone else.
She was twenty-three. In her backpacka biometric passport, a visa, five hundred pounds in cash, and a dream too big for her pockets.
Mum looked at her with eyes full of pride and dread, all at once.
Two years, love, Emily assured her. Just two years, and Ill come back with money to help at home.
Her mum held her tightly. Too tightly, as if by not letting go she could keep her from vanishing. Emily could smell home: flour, old ashes from burnt newspapers, her dads pipe tobacco.
Dont forget me there, her mum whispered. And in her voice Emily heard something she couldnt quite nameworry, premonition, a bottomless pit.
How could I forget you, Mum? Emily laughed. Even if I tried.
She really meant it.
Chapter 2. Year One. Adrenaline
Philadelphia greets her with a bite of cold. January, and Emily has arrived.
Shes in a cramped house share with five other Brits: two lads from Manchester, two girls from London, and a father from Leeds. Two to a room, tiny beds, each paying four hundred dollars a month.
Work at a café brings in seven dollars an hour plus tips. Emily takes twelve-hour shifts: wiping tables, carrying coffee, smiling at Americans who sometimes give tips bigger than the coffee bill.
At night, she collapses on her bed and rings her mum.
How are you? her mum asks.
Fine, Mum. Busy, earning.
Youre not cold, though?
Its freezing.
Put on that jumper I packed for you.
Emily puts the jumper onit smells like home, her mums arms reaching her across the Atlantic.
Her first money transfer is in Februarytwo hundred dollars by Western Union.
Mum texts: Thank you, love. I bought my medicine and paid the gas bill. Stay safe.
Other immigrants in the house share say, Sillysave your money in an American account, dont send it back.
But Emily knows: her mum needs the help now.
By the end of the year shes sent home five thousand dollars.
She learns Englishfast.
The first time she hears herself speak, barely any accent, she feels proudand something else, something hollow.
Chapter 3. Year Two. David
David comes to the café, one hundred and forty-seven days in a rowEmily keeps count, though shes not sure why.
Hes twice her age, divorced, has a nine-year-old boy. Works in IT, makes decent money, always orders a caramel latte.
One day, he surprises her.
How are you?in wobbly but careful English, with a trace of Northern accent.
Emily blinksfew regulars ever try to speak her language.
Im well, thank you. And you? she replies, her English now fluent, though she still feels young and green.
May I buy you a coffee, not in here? he smiles.
After two years of hard slog, eleven thousand dollars in savings, and a dream buckling under reality, Emily is tired.
The café brings her about forty dollars in tips each day. Plus two other jobs: cleaning offices at night, nannying on weekends.
David offers something else. David is a breath.
Chapter 4. Year Three. The First Betrayal
She only tells her mum about David after three months of seeing him. Emily knows what it means.
Mum, Im seeing a man. Hes American.
Long silence.
Whats his name? her mum finally asks.
David.
Does he have a family?
A son, from his first marriage. Hes nine.
Pause.
Emily listens to her mothers breathing, knows that her mum is busy, in her mind, breaking down this news into a thousand meanings.
Emily, please, her mums voice trembles. Dont forget who you are.
I wont, Mum.
Who you areit means: Youre English.
Those words suddenly sound like a sentence: That cant be your home there.
What Emily cant say is that home has grown cold, somewhere over the phone line.
She spends more time with David. She quits one jobthe night office cleaning. Cuts her café shifts. Nannying becomes sometimes.
In March she sends her mum three thousand pounds, apologising for calling less.
Chapter 5. Year Four. The Wedding
David proposes at Christmas.
Emily says yescaught somewhere between the ashes of her past and the glow of whats next.
She calls her mum in Januaryeyes shut, as if that could change anything.
Im getting married, Mum.
When?
In two months. In Los Angeles. David wants the wedding there.
Her mums voice is tight.
In Los Angeles? Emily, I cant fly over. I just dont have the money.
I know, Mum. Im sorry.
She should feel guilt. But she feels relief.
Setting down her phone, she imagines her mum: sitting on the edge of the bed they once shared, quietly crying, suddenly understanding something as final as winter.
The wedding is lavish. Two hundred guests. Davids circles, business friends, colleagues.
An aunt Emily barely recalls sends a kitchen setfor your new family.
The dress costs more than her mum could earn in several months. She beams at the photographers and realises: that airport promise of Ill be back in two years is now a lie.
She wont be back.
Chapter 6. Years Five to Eight. The American Childhood
Oliver is born in May.
Birth is hard. Afterwardsa heavy depression. Without full insurance, the first pregnancy costs the family twelve thousand dollars.
David pays by credit card.
Emily sends her mum a photo: Your grandson.
Mum replies: Hes lovely. Whats his name?
Oliver, Emily writes.
She almost feels her mum, at her ancient computer, googling the name. Why not her fathers? Her grandfathers? Why nothing familiar? Why nothing English at all?
Emily sends her mum two hundred dollars every monthfor yourself and your grandson. She asks her to buy gifts for him, to save some for later.
Over the years, she receives a few parcels from England: small jumpers, wooden toys, childrens books in English.
Oliver doesnt understand British English. He speaks American, a bit of Spanishhis nanny is from Mexico.
When her mum writes, Teach him English properly, Emily manages to pull out two wordsgrandma and love you.
Oliver forgets them within a month.
After several years with David, Emilys small American dream comes to life: a house in the suburbs, BMW in the garage, Oliver in private school, annual holidays by the Pacific.
Her mum calls for Olivers birthday each year.
Often, Emily is at a neighbours party, tipsy on wine, phone in one hand, discussing property investments in the other.
Hi Mum, how are you?
Fine, dear. I just want to see my grandson.
Olivers playing outside. Ill show him your photo when hes in.
Emily her mum hesitates. Love you both.
Me too, Mum. I have to run, well talk another time.
Emily ends the call and slides seamlessly back to talk about their new project.
Chapter 7. Year Eight. Heart Attack
Her mum is sixty-seven.
Its an ordinary day, shopping for bread, when she has a heart attack.
Emilys brother calls:
Mums ill. Shes in hospital. You need to come home.
Emily takes leaveshes now a manager in an office. Books the quickest flight.
The plane lands. She takes a taxi straight to the hospital.
Her mum lies, plugged into wires, facing the window.
When Emily enters, she turns her head slowly.
Oh God, you came, her mum sobs.
Emily kisses her cheekshe feels like a stranger.
Her mum is fragile. Deep wrinkles, greying hair stubbornly undyed. Eyes no longer shining like before.
Mum, how are you feeling?
Just old, love, just an old heart
Emily sits with her for three days.
Later, the doctors let her take her mum home. Her brother drives them to the flat Emilys paid for all these years.
Its spotless, but sad. Emilys childhood photos on the wall. In the kitchen, a calendar with a photo of Oliver at sixcaught forever on another shore.
Hes grown, her mum says, looking at the calendar.
Yes, Mum.
And Ive never seen him.
Emily has nothing to say.
She stays for eight days. Her mum shows her a drawer with old lettersEmilys first year abroad. Photo albums. She asks her to cook those dishesshepherds pie, Yorkshire pudding, beef stew.
Emily tries. The pie turns out too salty. They laugh, but her mums eyes well up.
Youve forgotten my recipe, she says on day three.
Its not about the pie. Its everything else.
Chapter 8. Emily Leaves
Emily returns to Los Angeles.
Hows your mum? David asks.
Shes alive. Tired. Old.
Thats good, he answers and turns back to his spreadsheets.
At night, Emily lies in bed watching the distant glimmer of the ocean outside the window.
She thinks of her mums flat, where light fights its way in through old curtains.
Time goes on. Emily finds an even better job. David becomes a partner in his firm. Oliver is accepted at a top school.
Her mums calls are fewer. At Christmas. On birthdays.
How are you, Mum? All okay?
Yes, love. Im old now. You dont owe me anything.
Its the biggest lie they tell each other.
Chapter 9. Return
This time, Emily returns without warning.
She doesnt message her mum. Doesnt tell her brother. Just takes a break, books a ticket.
At the airport, she dials her mums number.
Mum?
Emily? Where are you?
Im at the airport.
Silence.
Come home, love, her mum finally says.
The taxi takes forty minutes. Emily stares out the window as the city shifts: crowded streets dissolve into cracked roads, houses shrink and grow older.
She steps out at the small house shes been paying for all this time.
Her mum is waiting on the porch.
She looks smaller, frailer. As if warmth and strength have ebbed away, year by year.
Hi, Mum, Emily says.
Oh my goodness, youre here! Her mum hurries over and hugs her tight.
In that hug, something hard inside of Emily finally crumbles.
They sit in the kitchen. On the table: shepherds pie, roast, stewed appleeverything her mum ever taught her to make.
I knew youd come, her mum says.
How could you know?
Im your mother. I always know.
Long silence.
Mum Emily starts. I
I know everything, love, her mum interrupts. Youve changed. Youre American now.
Emily weeps.
Mum, I never meant
I dont blame you, love, her mum squeezes her hand, but Ive lost my daughter.
And thats all it takes for Emily to finally see, crystal clear, the sum of all shes done, achieved, chosen.
Epilogue: The Unkept Promise
This time, Emily stays for two weeks.
Her mum teaches her embroidery again. Shows her recipes again. They watch British films togetherones Emily hasnt seen in years.
On her last day, Emily asks,
Mum, can I come back?
Her mum looks at her for a long time.
You can always come back, love. But I dont know if youll ever feel at home again.
Emily knows what it means: Yes, but no.
Back in Los Angeles, David asks where shes been so long.
At my mums.
How is she?
Shes growing old.
David nods, buries himself in his laptop.
Emily sits in an armchair by the vast window looking out at the ocean and thinks about the tiny window in her mums kitchen, crowded by the wall next door and a square of sky.
Eight years ago, she left Heathrow for the American dream.
Eight years on, she returnsand realises the dream is so often the slow, silent fading of your soul somewhere far from those you love.
And now, no return is ever complete.
