Dear Diary,
I cant shake the feeling that they might send me back to the childrens home. Auntie Joyce whispered that theyd taken me in in a rush, not knowing a baby was on the way. Im not really theirs, she murmured, and the words still echo in my mind.
I was standing by the cooker, flipping pancakes, hoping the house would soon fill with the scent of butter and sugar. Mark would be home from the factory any minute, and wed all sit down to dinner together.
Jack was unusually quiet in his room today. Usually, when Im flipping his beloved pancakes, he darts over, looks up at me with those big, hopeful eyes and asks,
Mum, can I have another one?
I give him a piece; he looks satisfied, then wanders back and, with the sheer delight of a child, stretches his little fingers and pleads again, Maama, one more, please?
I realise that Jack isnt hungry any more; he just wants to hear that warm, wonderful wordMumonce more. In the past, Id set the ladle down, scoop him up, and carry him to his tiny, fiveyearold frame, saying, Come on, love, lets go meet your dad when he gets home.
Hed answer with bright eyes, Yes, Mum, lets go meet Dad! The excitement in his gaze was pure magic. Hed never known a mother or a father before, and now he finally did.
Jack now has his own room, his own bed, and a little sports wall with swingssomething Mark bought for him. He also has a collection of toy cars, a robot, a building set, and a mountain of other playthings, all his alone. In the evenings, I read to him, smooth his hair, and whisper how much I love him. Hes almost soaked up that love, almost forgetting the emptiness that preceded it.
Just as I was about to call Jack over, the baby nudged my belly again.
I placed my hand on the round, and she nudged once more.
Lord, I pray every day for this unexpected blessing, hoping everything will be alright. Weve already picked a nameMark suggested Poppy. Grandmum Margaret will be delighted.
People kept telling me I could never have my own children, that Mark and I should adopt from the childrens home. A year later, the promise finally came true: our little girl is on her way.
I drifted off, almost forgetting to flip the pancake, and called,
Jack, sweetheart, why are you so quiet today?
Silence answered. Had he not heard me?
I turned off the cooker and headed toward the nursery. The room was darkwhere could Jack be?
A soft rustle broke the stillness. I flicked the light on and saw Jack perched on the sofa, bundled in a jacket and a knit cap. He clutched a backpack brimming with his favourite toy cars.
Whatre you doing in the dark? I laughed, Come on, get dressed. Are you planning a trip? Lets eat those pancakes with a dollop of cream and a drizzle of condensed milk, okay, Jack?
He didnt smile. He stared straight ahead with an adultlike gaze, then asked,
Can I take these toys with me? They dont need the cars?
Jack, whats wrong, love? Where are you going? My words fell flat, my hands dropped. Was I a bad mother? Did he feel I was jealous of the sister arriving? Just yesterday hed been over the moon.
He whispered, Will you send me back to the childrens home? Auntie said you rushed, took me in because you didnt know a baby was coming. Im not really.
His eyes were wet, his voice trembling.
Jack, dear, what auntie? I just ran into the neighbour the other day. I told her, thank heavens our baby is on the way, and she smiled, looking at you. You rushed, didnt you, little Helen?
I tried to brush it off, but the neighbours comment lingered. Jack seemed to understand something deeper.
A sudden thought struck him: Im not really part of this.
I wrapped him tight. He pushed away at first, then collapsed into my arms, tears streaming.
Sweetheart, you dont get itthis auntie knows nothing. Mark and I love you more than anything, and well never let anyone take you away.
I lifted his jacket and cap, and we sat together in silence, hugging the sofa.
When Poppy finally arrived, Jack and Mark held the house together for a while, then they drove to join us with the newborn. Jack worried he might not be liked by his sister.
But the moment he saw her tiny fingers, he chuckled, Mum, how can such a little one survive without a big brother? Ill teach her to play with the cars; well have loads of fun together!
Now Jack never leaves Poppys side, waiting for her to grow, and the parents plan to move her into his room. For now, hes Mums little righthand man.
That evening I called, Jack, Ive got Poppy ready, lets go meet Mark when he gets home. He was already dressed, waiting in the hallway, Mum, Ill hold the door, just let me get the cot out!
We took the lift down, and as we stepped into the stairwell, the same neighbour appeared with heavy bags.
Jack grasped my hand tighter, as if bracing for a storm.
Sweetheart, could you help the lady with the bags? She looks like she needs a hand.
Of course, Mum! Jack said proudly, ushering the woman to the lift and then sprinting after me.
Tomorrow is a day off, and well all head to the park. Its a shame Poppy is still so small, but shell soon grow, and well ride the rides together. As the big brother, Jack will hold her tightly if she gets scaredafter all, brother and sister forever!
