WE ALL JUDGED HER
Emily stood in the quiet corner of St. Marys and wept. At least fifteen minutes went by. I couldnt help but stare never in my life had I expected to see her in a church. What on earth is she doing here? I thought. Of all people, she was the last Id imagine in such a place.
I didnt know Emily personally, though I noticed her often enough. We lived in the same block of flats and walked in the same park me with my four children, her with her three dogs.
All of us, and by this I mean myself, the other mums, the old ladies on the benches, the neighbours and Id wager even the odd passerby had always quietly judged her.
Emily was strikingly beautiful, always fashionably dressed, and gave off an air of carefree confidence I found almost brazen.
Shes swapped men again, muttered Mrs. Turner, perched on her usual bench at the entrance to our building.
Thats the third this year, her friend Mrs. Smith would add, eyeing Emily and her latest fellow as they slid into her rather expensive-looking BMW.
Mrs. Smiths son, forty-five-year-old Tom, had yet to save up for a battered old Fiesta.
Shed do better to think about children her clocks ticking, chuckled Mr. Edwards, usually the ladies sparring partner, though in Emilys case, they were all in agreement.
Soon enough all the benches were abuzz the latest boyfriend had disappeared too. Always followed by the weighty conclusion, Well, of course the womans a tart if you ask me. Bet her flat stinks of dog.
But no one disapproved of her more than us the mothers.
While we chased manic children up slides, down swings, into bushes, out of bins, and goodness knows where else, Emily strolled along with her poodles, seemingly without a care. Occasionally, shed cast a look our way, half a smile playing on her lips. As if to say, You lot did this to yourselves. Youre frazzled, counting every pound and penny to see who gets a new coat or shoes, while I live for me.
Shes clearly one of those child-free types. Theyre all the same, my friend Sarah would declare, juggling her three energetic boys.
The wealthy have their quirks little dogs, cats, hamsters, nodded Liz, heavily pregnant with twins, trying to drag her eldest out of a tree.
She cant be bothered with responsibility, would rather jet off to Greece. I havent seen the seaside for seven years, sighed five-kid Mary.
Yes, absolutely, Id agree with everyone, even those chuntering old dears on the green. Then Id dash after my youngest, Emily, knees skinned and wailing all the way across the park.
Shes got a kennel not a home shouldve had a child instead, one grandmother said a bit too loudly one day.
Mind your own business! Emily snapped back, her voice tight. She held back from saying more, turning away with her nasty dogs.
Rude girl, the woman shouted after her.
A few moments passed as I watched Emily cry in the church, then I slipped through the doors.
Please, wait just a moment, I heard behind me.
Emily hurried over to me in the churchyard.
Youre the one in the park with four little girls, arent you?
Thats me. And youre the one with three dogs, I replied.
Yes. I I was hoping to talk to you, if thats all right I always watch you with your daughters, with the other mums, and honestly, I find it so lovely, she said softly, blushing crimson.
You do?! I exclaimed, nearly blurting out, But youre child-free! Selfish! Vain! I thought of her smirk as we raced past her.
So began our conversation. We sat on a bench, while Emily talked and talked, tears streaming down her face. It was so clear she simply needed someone to listen.
Emily grew up in a warm, happy family, and as long as she could remember shed dreamt of having lots of children. Shed married for love, but after two miscarriages and the grim words infertility from her doctor, her beloved husband quickly lost interest.
The second left for the same reason. Emily spent years seeking treatments, and nearly died after an ectopic pregnancy.
Then came a third boyfriend. That one ran off at the mention of a possible child he liked her car, her good income, but children were not in his plans.
I would have given anything to have a baby! she said.
I assumed you were just one of those dog-lovers, I ventured clumsily.
I do love dogs, Emily answered with a sad smile, but that doesnt mean I dont love children.
Emily got Teacake because she was lonely. Mike ended up with her after his owners needed somewhere for him to stay during their flat renovations. They never came back. And Fen was a street puppy she found shivering one winter.
She just hadnt the heart not to help.
Shes got a kennel, not a home the words echoed in my mind.
Her clocks ticking Mr. Edwards judgment drifted through my memory.
Time really was ticking Emily was forty-one, even if she barely looked thirty.
And now shed decided: she would adopt. Age didnt matter, she just wanted to give a child a home. She fell for a six-year-old boy, Oliver, at the childrens home. Actually, he chose her first Will you be my mummy? hed asked. Yes, I will! shed replied.
She just cant be bothered, I remembered Marys bitter sigh.
But Oliver was never hers his birth mother, ill and unable to care for him, still technically held her parental rights.
It was devastating. I couldnt believe it A child suffering, needing a family, but theres nothing you can do, Emily whispered.
Then she met four-year-old Lucy. The girl had been twice returned, her bright wild spirit too much for others.
Someone said when her second mum took her back, Lucy had crawled after her, clutching at her skirt, begging: Mummy, please dont give me away! Ill be good, I promise!
When Emily met her, Lucys first question was: Will you send me back? No, never! managed Emily, struggling to hold back tears.
But something had complicated the adoption process. Emily didnt explain, except to say: Shes my daughter. Ill fight for her.
That day was Emilys first time in church she admitted she had nowhere else to go. The vicar appeared and Emily approached him, pouring out her troubles as he listened and reassured her. I heard him say, It will turn out right. God bless.
We walked home together.
You probably all think Im stuck up, Emily said at last. Im just so tired of explaining myself, of all the gossip, of being judged.
I said nothing.
Emily invited me and the girls round one afternoon, to play with the dogs. I agreed Ill go, just not right away.
Right now, I only feel ashamed.
I keep wondering, Where does all this filth inside us come from? Why is it so easy to assume the worst of someone?
And I find myself wishing with all my heart for this extraordinary woman, Emily the very one we all condemned to have her happy ending. For Lucy to throw her arms around Emily, press her face to her and whisper, Mummy! And know no one would ever take her away again. For Teacake, Mike, and Fen to bounce around the flat, happy and safe.
Maybe, with a bit of luck, therell be a good man for Emily. Maybe one day Lucy will have a little brother or sister. Stranger things have happened, havent they?
Most of all, I hope no one ever says a cruel word about them again.
Today, I learnt that its far easier to judge than to understand and that Id do well to remember that before quick thoughts and sharp words pass my lips again.
