WE ALL JUDGED HER
Millie stood in the church, softly weeping. She must have been there for fifteen minutes or more. It puzzled me. What is that posh girl doing here? I wondered. Of all the people to see in this place, she was the last I had expected.
Millie and I had never properly met, but I saw her often. We lived in the same block of flats and strolled the same village green. I was always dashing around after my four children, and she would amble by with her three dogs.
She was constantly the subject of our neighbourhood gossip. When I say we, I mean myself, the other mums with their brood, the old ladies perched on benches, the neighbours, and probably every passer-by.
Millie was strikingly beautiful, always clad in fashionable clothes and seemingly carefree and self-assured.
There you go, she’s got herself another chap, grumbled old Mrs Payne, settling herself on the bench by the entrance.
Thats her third one.
She can afford it, with all that money rattling around, old Mrs Shaw would chime in, eyeing Millie enviously as she and her well-dressed beau climbed into her expensive BMW.
While Mrs Shaws own son, forty-five-year old Barry, still hadnt managed to buy even a battered Ford Escort.
Shed be better off having some children before her clock runs out, gruffed Mr. Tomlinson, forever their sparring partner, but when it came to Millie, there was never any argument.
Later, the bench would be abuzz with the news that Millies chap had legged it as well, ending with a sage, Well, thats what happens to floozies! And Ill wager her house stinks of wet dog!
Yet it was us mothers who took the greatest dislike to Millie.
While we scrambled after our little onesup slides, over swings, through nettles and mud and anywhere else a child might dartshe strolled serenely with her mutts, without a care in the world, flashing a half-smile our way. As if saying, You went and had kids, now your peace is over. Not me. I live for myself. While you struggle to figure out if youve enough for Mollys raincoat and shoes, Im off on another shopping spree.
Absolutely, classic childfree, said my friend Sandra, mother to three boisterous boys.
Rich folk have their odd little waysdogs, cats, ferrets, nodded Lucy, who was eight months gone with twins, as she tried to coax her eldest down from a tree.
Selfish, doesnt want the hassle, just prances off to the continent! I havent even seen the seaside in seven years, sighed Marina, who had five at home.
Yes, yes, quite right, I agreed with everyone, even the old dears on the green, before I dashed off to scoop up my sobbing Tilly, whod grazed her knee tumbling in the playground.
Shes running a ruddy dog kennel, better she had a child! called out one grandmotherly type, wrangling her grandson.
Its none of your business! snapped Millie, turning around sharply. She thought to continue, but gritted her teeth and marched off, her horrible dogs trotting at her side.
Rude thing! the old lady hollered after her.
I watched Millie for a moment longer, tears streaking her face in the churchs gloom, and then stepped outside.
Excuse mewait! I suddenly heard behind me.
Millie was hurrying across the churchyard.
Youre the one always on the green with four girls, arent you?
Thats me and youre with the three dogs.
Thats right. Erm could I have a word? she asked. You know, Ive always admired you with your girls and the other mumsjust watching you all together. So lovely, she stammered, her cheeks flushing pink.
You?! I blurted out, nearly adding, You, the selfish snob! while recalling her supposed smirks in our direction.
Thats how we finally spoke. We sat on a cold bench. Millie talked, and talked, tears spilling over. It was obvious she simply needed someone to listen.
Shed grown up in a loving, close-knit family, and as far back as she could recall, shed dreamt of lots of children. She married for love, but after two miscarriages and a barren verdict from the doctors, her dearly beloved husband quickly drifted away.
The next man vanished for the same reason, after years of treatments. She nearly lost her life to an ectopic pregnancy.
There was a third partnerthe same result, another ectopic. But this one fled as soon as children were mentioned. He was keen on her car, her successful job, but the thought of a child didnt figure into his plans.
Id have given anything for a baby of my own!
I thought you only cared for dogs, I blurted.
Oh, I love dogs, yes, Millie smiled gently. But that doesnt mean I dont long for a child.
She got her dog, Tuppence, to ease the loneliness. Then she took in Mike when friends needed a hand during their house renovations, and he stayed. Fen, the last, was a stray she rescued one freezing winter.
I remembered that old womans words: Better she had a child than a bunch of mutts.
And Mr. Tomlinsons mutter: Her clock is ticking
Millie was already forty-one, though she barely looked thirty.
She made up her mind to adopt a child from the orphanage. Age didnt matter; she just wanted a child. She met six-year-old Charlierather, he picked her out. Will you be my mum? he asked. I will, Millie replied.
Selfish, just doesnt want the effort! came Marinas voice, echoing in my memory.
But Charlie wasn’t allowed to go home with her. His mother, suffering from severe mental illness, hadnt lost legal custody.
That was a real blow, Millie recalled. It broke my heart. That poor boy needs a family, but theres nothing I could do.
Then came little Lucy, four years old. Shed been adopted twice and returned both times for being too spirited.
Someone told Millie that the second time Lucy was led back, she crawled after her, clinging to her skirt, sobbing, Mummy, please dont send me back! I promise Ill be good!
When Millie met her, Lucy asked, Will you send me back too? Never! Millie choked, barely managing the words.
Yet there were hurdles with Lucys adoption too. Millie didnt explain, merely said, But shes my daughter, and Ill never give up on her!
That day in church was Millies first. I simply had nowhere else left to turn, she confessed.
The vicar appeared then, and Millie spoke to him quietly for some time, jotting notes as they went. Everything will be well, with Gods help, he comforted her. For the first time, she truly smiled.
We walked home together.
You must think Im haughty and proud, Millie said. But the truth is, Im simply too exhausted to explain myself to everyone. After all Ive heard
I stayed silent.
She invited me, and my daughters, to visit sometimeto play with her dogs. I said yes, and I really meant it. But Id need to summon courage first.
For now, I just felt deeply, mortifyingly ashamed.
I keep wondering: Why do we harbour so much pettiness? Why am I so quick to believe the worst of someone?
And in my heart, all I want is for Milliethat remarkable woman everyone so harshly judgedto find happiness. I hope, with all my being, that Lucy ends up in her arms, nestled tight, whispering, Mummy! Safe, forever. And that Tuppence, Mike, and Fen gambol about cheerfully by their side.
Who knows, maybe one day Millie finds a truly good man. Maybe Lucy gains a brother or sister. Stranger things have happened, havent they?
And may no one ever, ever utter a cruel word to them again.
