I was washing up in the kitchen when William walked in, flicking the light switch off before entering.
Its still bright enough. We dont need to waste electricity, he muttered, sounding annoyed.
I was just about to put a load of washing on, I said, tiredly.
Well, do it tonight, William replied curtly. Its cheaper at night. And you dont need that much water pressure when youre washing up. You always use far too much, Emily. Honestly. Its like you pour our money down the drain and dont even realise.
He turned the tap down himself. I looked at him, full of resentment, then just turned it off completely, dried my hands, and sat down at the kitchen table.
William, have you ever looked at yourself from the outside? I asked.
I do nothing but look at myself from the outside, he snapped back, venom in his voice.
And what do you see? I pressed him.
What, as a person? he clarified.
Yes. As a husband and a father.
Husbands a husband, William replied. Fathers a father. Just normal, arent I? Not better, not worse. Same as everyone else. Why are you pushing this?
Are you really saying all husbands and fathers are just like you? I asked quietly.
What are you trying to get at? William shot back. Picking a fight, are you?
I knew there was no taking it back. The conversation had to happen, and it had to go all the way through, so maybe, just maybe, hed finally see how much misery he brought to our lives.
Do you know why youve never left me, William? I asked.
And why exactly should I have? he replied, sarcastically raising an eyebrow.
For one, because you dont love me anymore, I said. And you dont love our children, either.
He opened his mouth to protest, but I cut him off.
Dont bother saying otherwise. You dont love anyone. Were not going to waste time arguing about it. Thats not what I want to talk about right now. I want to talk about why you havent left us.
So, why then? he challenged.
Out of sheer stinginess, I answered. Because for you, splitting up would mean a huge financial loss. How long have we been married now? Fifteen years? What do we have to show for all this time? If we dont count the fact that we ended up married with children, what else have we achieved in fifteen years?
Well, theres still all of life ahead of us, William answered, a catch in his voice.
No, William, I said, we dont have all of life ahead. Just whatevers left of it. And in all that time, we havent had a single holiday by the sea. Not once. Not even here at home in England. Its always a staycation, always in this town. We dont even go for a day out to the countryside to pick blackberries or mushrooms. Why? Because its too expensive.
Were saving up, he said. For the future.
We are? I laughed, bitterly. Really? Or is it you saving?
For you! For the children, William insisted.
For us? For me and the children? I asked him, serious now. So every month for fifteen years youve been putting both our wages aside, for us? For me and the kids?
Of course. Thanks to me, do you even realise how much weve got saved now?
We? I said, raising my eyebrows. Youve got something in your account, maybe. But me? Do I? Well, maybe Im wrong. Lets check. Let me have some money, pleaseI want to buy new clothes for myself and the children. Ive been wearing the same things since our wedding. And the kids get their cousins hand-me-downs, just like me. And by the way, Im desperate to rent our own place, William. Im exhausted living in your mothers house.
Mums given us two rooms, he protested. You cant complain about her. And as for new clothes, why waste money on that when my brothers kids are bigger now and their things fit ours just fine?
And me? Whose old clothes am I supposed to wear? Your brothers wifes? I asked, incredulous.
You dont need to dress up for anyone, William replied, half-laughing. Its ridiculous. Youre a mother of two. Thirty-five! Shopping for clothes shouldnt be your concern by now.
So, what should be? I asked.
The meaning of life, he replied, as though pronouncing something profound. Theres so much more out there than clothes or silly little things. Higher things! Things that matter.
Such as? I pressed, not buying his pseudo-wisdom.
Personal development, William said, raising his voice in that pompous way. You should be beyond all this nonsense about knickers and kitchens in your mind.
Oh, I see, I said. Thats why you keep every penny in your account, and we have to beg for the basics. Its for our spiritual enrichment. Is that right?
Because you can never be trusted with money! he suddenly barked. Youd fritter it all away, instantly. Then how would we survive if something happens? Have you thought about that?
How would we survive, if something happens? I echoed, twirling a threadbare tea towel in my hand. Youre right, William. But tell mewhen, exactly, do we start actually *living*? Because, looking around, it seems to me like were already acting as if that something has happened.
William just glared at me, sullen and silent.
You scrimp and save even on soap, on toilet rolls, on napkins, I went on. You bring home soap and hand cream from the factory because theyre free there.
Look after the pennies and the pounds will look after themselves, he said coldly. You have to start small. Throwing money away on frills and luxuries is just silly.
So how much longer are we supposed to put up with this, then? I asked, levelly. Ten more years? Fifteen? Twenty? How long do you want to keep hoarding before we can live a normal lifeone with decent toilet paper? Im thirty-five and, from the look of things, my time hasnt come yet, is that right?
He didnt answer.
Ill hazard a guess, I continued. Forty? Is that it? Once Im forty, can I have a life?
No reply.
Fifty, perhaps? I said, feigning understanding. Not quite there yet, obviously. Who starts living at fifty? I should have known. Sorry. How about sixty, then? At sixty, can we finally start? Well have a fortune in the bank, no doubt! And then, can I finally buy myself and the kids something new?
Still no response.
Listen, William, I said, my voice tighter, what if we dont even make it to sixty? Its perfectly possible. With the way we liveyour stinginess means we eat rubbish, loading ourselves on cheap food, miserable all the time. Were not happy, William. How long can anyone live like that?
If we moved out of Mums and ate properly, we couldnt save, he answered.
No, we couldnt, I agreed. Thats why Im leaving you, William. Im done saving. Its what you lovenot me.
How will you possibly get by? Williams face had gone pale.
Ill manage. It cant be worse than now. Ill rent a place for me and the kids. My salary is as much as yours. Itll cover a flat and still leave enough for food and clothes. And best of all, I wont have to hear your endless lectures about saving gas, electricity, or water. Ill run the washing machine whenever I want, and I wont go into a panic if I forget to turn off the bathroom light. Ill buy the best loo roll and always have napkins on the table. And when I shop, Ill buy what I want, when I want itnot just when theres a sale.
Youll never be able to put anything aside! William all but shrieked.
Why not? I said calmly. Ill have your child maintenance and thatll be what I put awaythough, to be honest, youre right. I probably wont save a penny. Not because I cant, but because I dont want to. Ill spend it allincluding your maintenanceevery last pound. Ill get by from payday to payday. And at weekends, Ill drop the children at your mums. Imagine the savings! Ill spend that time at the theatre, in cafes, at exhibitions. And in the summer, Ill take the kids to the seaside. Havent decided where yet, but I will, once Im finally free of you.
Williams face had drained of colour; I could almost hear the gears grinding in his head as he calculated how much hed have left after child support and extra costs. What really haunted him, though, was the thought of me using our savings for outings and holidayshis money, as ever.
I havent told you the best part yet, I went on. The money in your savings account? Well split it.
How do you mean, split it? he blurted.
Half and half, I said, simply. Whatevers been saved these fifteen years. And Ill spend that too. I have no intention of saving for my life, William. Im going to live it now.
Williams mouth worked silently, but nothing came out. He was paralysed with the terror of it.
And do you know what my dream is, William? I said quietly, feeling utterly steady at last. My dream is that when my time finally comes, there isnt a single pound left in my bank account. Then Ill know Ive used every bit of it on living, on myself.
Two months later, William and I divorced.
