I can’t shake off the memory of him, even after a decade. How am I supposed to carry on?
I was just 23 when I left for England to study. Young, naive, filled with hopes and dreams — I had no idea back then how one encounter could completely change my life and leave a mark that still lingers.
On my very first day at university, fate introduced me to Gregory. He was a decade older than me, English, composed and calm — not at all the kind of man I usually gravitated towards. But when our eyes met, it was as if I could no longer hear or see anyone else. Among the twenty or so people at the table, he was the only one I noticed. Something stirred within me, as if I had known him all along, as if I had been searching for him my entire life and had finally found him.
We began crossing paths more frequently — it turned out we had mutual friends. Gradually, we grew closer, and soon our story began. He started learning French, and I took up Italian. It felt like true euphoria. In his arms, I felt I could truly be myself; in his voice, I heard a tenderness I had only known from films. I was indescribably happy, until the moment I discovered he was married. He had a wife and child back in England.
In an instant, my world crumbled. I wanted to leave, to end everything and forget, but I couldn’t. He confided in me that he was planning to get a divorce — his wife had been unfaithful, their relationship had been in ruins for a while; he was merely waiting for the right time. I was torn, and eventually I returned home, to France. But I returned with a broken heart.
For three months, I didn’t leave my house. The only person I communicated with was Gregory. Every day, for hours, we talked over Skype. He didn’t leave me alone in that hell. And when I decided to return to England, he was there to meet me at the airport with flowers and a home-cooked meal. He always cared, always checked if I had enough money, if I was warm enough, if I had eaten. He felt like both an older brother and my love.
But soon, everything went downhill again. Gregory’s wife decided not to go through with the divorce — for the sake of their child. He couldn’t leave her, couldn’t leave his son. He honestly told me that we had no future. Once more, I was left alone. He shattered my heart for the second time.
A year passed. I still couldn’t forget him. Then Michael came into my life — also English, and from the same town as Gregory. We started dating, and later I became pregnant and had a child. Though we weren’t married, we lived as a family. Throughout this time, I continued corresponding with Gregory. He asked mutual friends about me, curious to know how I was, how my child was. He never really left my life, though he remained in the background.
And then, one day — on January 19th — Michael and I were supposed to get married. But for various reasons, we postponed the wedding until the summer. Just two days later, on January 21st, Gregory found me and informed me that he had finally gotten divorced. He was free. And I realized I couldn’t marry Michael. I couldn’t deceive either him or myself.
I revealed everything to Michael. That all these years I had loved another. That I couldn’t forget. That I had tried, fought against this feeling, but it was stronger than me. Gregory also admitted that he had never forgotten me, that he had thought about me all this time.
I introduced Gregory to my child. He suggested we live together. And although guilt tore at my heart for Michael, I knew I had no choice. I had lived in the past for too long. Ten years I had tried to erase Gregory from my memory, but he was a part of me every single second.
I don’t want to take the child from Michael. I don’t want to hurt him. He’s a good man and a wonderful father. But love doesn’t choose. It either exists, or it doesn’t.
Now I stand at a crossroads. My heart beats with a rhythm of pain and hope. I look into my child’s eyes and don’t know how to explain that sometimes, to be happy, you must step into the unknown. I look into Gregory’s eyes and see that same spark I noticed the day we first met.
Ten years ago, I didn’t know what true love was. Now I know. But this love has brought so many tears, so much loss, that I’m unsure if I can ever be completely happy. And yet… I choose it. Because nothing has made me feel so alive.”
