Two Columns She had already kicked off her boots and set the kettle boiling when a message from her manager pinged: “Could you cover for Claire tomorrow? She’s got a fever and there’s nobody else.” Her hands were still wet from doing the dishes, and she smeared the screen trying to unlock the phone. She dried her palms on a tea towel and glanced at her calendar. Tomorrow was the only evening she’d planned to turn in early, ignore her phone, and prepare for the report due in the morning—as it was, her head was buzzing. She typed, “Sorry, I can’t, I’ve got…” then stopped. That familiar nausea rose: if you say no, you’re letting people down. That means you’re not kind, not dependable. She deleted it and wrote instead: “Yes, I’ll come in.” Sent. The kettle rumbled. She poured her mug, pulled up a stool at the window, and opened a note on her phone she simply called “The Good List”. It already had today’s entry: “Covered Claire’s shift.” She put a full stop and added a little plus sign at the end, as though this balanced something out. That note had lived with her for almost a year. She’d started it in January, when the post-Christmas lull felt especially bleak and she needed proof her days weren’t evaporating unnoticed. The first line read: “Gave Mrs. Baker a lift to the surgery.” Mrs. Baker from the fifth floor shuffled along with her medical bag, too nervous to trust the bus. “You’re driving, aren’t you? Do me a favour, I’ll never make it otherwise,” she’d said through the intercom. So she dropped her off, waited in the car while tests were done, and took her home again. On the way back, she’d caught herself feeling annoyed—late for work, her mind crowded with other people’s complaints. The irritation made her feel guilty. She bit it back and washed it down with a coffee at the petrol station. In the note, she wrote it down neatly, as if it had been pure kindness, untainted. In February, her son’s business trip meant she had her grandson for the weekend. “You’re home anyway, it’s no trouble for you,” he said—it wasn’t a request but a fact. Her grandson was lovely and lively, with endless “can you look”, “let’s play”. She loved him, but by evening her hands shook with fatigue, her head rang like after leaving a concert. She put him to bed, washed the dishes, gathered up the toys—he knocked them out again the next morning. On Sunday, when her son returned, she said, “I’m exhausted.” He grinned, as if it was a joke: “You’re Grandma, that’s what you do.” He kissed her cheek. In the note she added: “Looked after grandson for two days.” She put a little heart to make it feel less like mere obligation. In March, her cousin phoned and asked to borrow money until payday. “It’s for medicine, you get it,” she pleaded. She did get it. She transferred the money, didn’t ask when it’d be paid back, then sat in her kitchen, figuring out how to make it to next payday and gave up on the new coat she’d wanted for months. The coat wasn’t a luxury—the old one was just worn thin at the elbows now. Her note said: “Helped my cousin out.” She didn’t write, “Put off buying something for myself.” That felt trivial, unworthy of recording. In April at work, one of the younger girls, eyes puffy and red, got stuck in the loo and couldn’t come out. She was crying softly that someone had left her and she felt disposable. She knocked and said, “Open up, I’m here.” Then they sat together on the freshly painted stairwell as dusk fell, and she listened, nodding while the girl repeated herself again and again. She missed her physio class for her bad back but stayed until it was dark. At home, her back ached. She wanted to be angry with the girl, but really, she was angry at herself: Why can’t you ever say you need to leave? In her phone, she added: “Listened to Katie, supported her.” She put her name because it felt more personal. Again, she didn’t write, “Skipped something for myself.” In June, she gave a colleague a lift to her allotment since her car had broken down. The colleague spent the drive arguing with her husband on speakerphone and never once asked if it was convenient. She said nothing, just watched the summer traffic. At the allotment, the colleague hefted out her shopping and said, “Thanks, I knew you wouldn’t mind—it’s on your way anyway.” It wasn’t. She battled traffic back, got home later than promised, and didn’t have time to check in on her mum—who was then upset. Her note that night read: “Gave Tania a lift to her allotment.” “On your way” seemed to sting, and she stared at the screen for a long time, waiting for it to dim. In August the phone rang late—her mum. Her voice was small, jittery: “I don’t feel well, love. My blood pressure. I’m scared.” She jumped up, grabbed her coat, called a taxi, and shot across the sleeping city. In the flat, it was stuffy. Blood pressure monitor on the table, tablets scattered. She checked her readings, handed out medicine, sat till her mum nodded off. In the morning she went straight to work, skipping her own home. In the Tube, she kept nearly dozing off, afraid of missing her stop. That day, in her note, she added: “Stayed overnight with Mum.” She started to add an exclamation mark, but deleted it—too loud, too much. By autumn the list had grown long, an endless scroll. The longer it got, the more she started to suspect she wasn’t living so much as submitting a report, collecting receipts of goodness in case anyone ever asked: “What do you even do?” She tried recalling the last time she’d added something just for herself. Not “for herself,” but “because of herself.” The entries were all about other people: their pain, their errands, their plans. Her own wishes seemed like silly whims to be hidden. In October something happened—not dramatic, just enough to leave a scratch. She took her son some documents he’d asked to have printed. She stood in the hallway holding the folder as he hunted for his keys and spoke into his phone. Her grandson zoomed around, demanding cartoons. Her son covered the receiver and tossed over his shoulder, “Mum, since you’re here, can you pop to the shops for bread and milk? I won’t have time.” She said, “I’m actually tired too.” He didn’t even look at her, just shrugged: “But you can, can’t you? You always can.” He went back to his call. Those words felt like a stamp. Not a request, a given. Something hot rose inside her—along with shame. Shame for wanting to refuse, for not wanting to be so endlessly accommodating. She went to the shops anyway. Bought milk, bread, some apples because her grandson liked them. Dropped them on the table and heard: “Thanks, Mum.” It was as flat as ticking a box. She smiled her usual smile and went home. There, she opened her note and typed: “Bought groceries for my son.” She stared at the line. Her fingers trembled with anger, not fatigue. She suddenly realised her list wasn’t a buoy anymore—it was a leash. In November, she booked a GP appointment at last. Her back pain was unbearable; she couldn’t even stand in the kitchen for long. She did it online, chose a Saturday morning slot so she wouldn’t miss work. Then Friday night, her mum called: “Will you come over tomorrow? I need the chemist, and I’m all alone.” “I’ve got a doctor’s appointment,” she said. There was a pause, then her mum replied: “All right. So I’m not important.” That line always worked. It used to send her into a spin of apologies and promises, pushing back her own things. She actually opened her mouth to say, “I’ll come after the doctor,”—but paused. It wasn’t stubbornness, just tiredness, as if realising her life mattered too. She whispered, “Mum, I’ll come after lunch. The doctor’s important.” Her mother sighed, as if left in the cold. “All right,” she said, packing all her resentment and old habits inside. She slept poorly that night. Dreamt of running down corridors with files as doors slammed one after another. In the morning she calmly made her porridge, swallowed some painkillers, and set out. At the clinic, waiting her turn, half-listening to pensioners discuss tests, she wasn’t thinking about the diagnosis—but about the strangeness of doing something for herself. Afterwards she visited her mum anyway, picked up medicine at the chemist, climbed to her mum’s flat. Her mum was silent at first, then asked: “So—you got seen to?” “I did,” she said. “I needed to.” Her mum looked at her closely, as if seeing a person not just a role. Then she turned away towards the kitchen. As she walked home, she felt a relief—not happiness, but space. By December, as the year wound down, she found herself waiting for weekends not as a breath, but as a chance. Saturday morning her son texted again: “Can you have your grandson for a couple of hours? We’ve errands.” She was about to type “sure”—automatic—but hesitated. She sat on the edge of her bed, phone warm in her palm. The flat was quiet; only the heater clicked. She thought of the day she’d planned—heading to the city, the museum, the exhibition she’d been putting off. Wandering among paintings, listening only to herself. She wrote: “Sorry, I can’t today. I have my own plans.” She sent it, put the phone facedown as if that could shield her from the reply. It came quickly: “Okay.” Then: “Are you upset with us?” She flipped the phone over, read it, and felt her old urge—to explain, to smooth things over. She could have typed a long reply: she was tired, she needed to live too. But explanations turn into bargaining, and she didn’t want to bargain for her own time. She wrote: “No. It’s just important to me.” That was all. She got ready calmly, like for a shift. Checked the iron twice, shut the windows, took her wallet, her card, her phone charger. At the bus stop, surrounded by shopping bags and sleepy faces, she realised—this time, there was nothing and no one she urgently had to save. Unfamiliar, but not frightening. In the museum she moved slowly, taking in faces and hands and the play of light in painted windows. She felt herself becoming attentive again—not to others’ pleas, but to herself. She had coffee in a cosy café, bought a postcard print and tucked it in her bag—a sturdy card, soothing to hold between her fingers. When she got home, the phone stayed in her bag. She took off her coat, hung it up, washed her hands, put the kettle on. Only then did she sit down, open “The Good List”, and scroll to today’s date. She stared at the empty line. Then she hit “plus” and typed: “Went to the museum on my own. Chose myself.” She stopped. “Chose myself” felt too loud, as if blaming someone. She deleted it and wrote simply: “Went to the museum on my own. Looked after myself.” Then she did something new. At the top of the note, she created two columns. On the left: “For Others.” On the right: “For Myself.” So far, the “For Myself” column had just that entry. She stared at it and felt something inside align, like a spine after a stretch. There was nothing left to prove to anyone. She just needed to remember she was here. Her phone buzzed again. She didn’t hurry. She poured her tea, took a sip, then checked. Mum had sent, simply: “How are you?” She replied: “I’m fine. I’ll bring you some bread tomorrow.” And paused, then added: “I was busy today.” She sent it and left the phone on the table, screen up. The room was quiet, and the silence wasn’t oppressive. It was like space—space finally cleared, just for her.

Author Walton MerrittReading 11 minViews 1

10th December

Id barely kicked off my boots and set the kettle boiling when a message pinged from my manager: Could you cover for Olivia tomorrow? Shes down with a fever and theres no one else for her shift. My hands were still wet from the washing-up, soap streaks left on the screen as I reached for my phone. Drying my fingers on the tea towel, I tapped open the calendar. Tomorrow was the one evening Id earmarked to go to bed early and ignore everyonebig report due in the morning, and my heads been throbbing all week.

I started typing: Sorry, I cant, Ive got Then hesitated. That familiar churn in my stomachlet them down, and youre the unreliable one. Youre not like that. I deleted the words, sent a simple, Yes, Ill do it. Off it went.

The kettle whistled. I poured my tea and sat at the old stool by the window, opening up a note on my phone called The Good Stuff. Todays entry: Covered Olivias shift. Full stop, then a little plus sign at the endas though that small mark could make things balance.

That notes been with me nearly a year. I started it in January. After the holidays it felt especially hollow, and I needed proof the days werent just slipping away unnoticed. The first one reads: Gave Mrs Jenkins from upstairs a lift to her doctors. Shed hobbled down from the fifth floor with her samples, afraid of missing her appointment or being jostled on the bus. Shed called out on the intercom: You have a cargive us a lift, will you? Otherwise, I wont get there. So I did, waited in the car while she went in for her blood test, then brought her home.

On the way back, I caught myself feeling irritatedrunning late for work, already hearing arguments about queues and doctors in my head. The irritation felt shameful; I swallowed it, washed it down with takeaway coffee at a petrol station. Later, I wrote the note as if the deed had been done with nothing but goodness.

In February, my son had to travel for work. He dropped my grandson off for the weekend. Youre around, its not a problem, right? Not askingtelling. Little Charlie is a whirlwind of look! and play with me! I love the lad, but by the evening my hands were shaking with fatigue, my skull buzzing as if after a blasting concert.

Put him to bed, washed up, tidied his toys into the boxhe tipped it out again come morning. Sunday, when my son returned, I managed: Im exhausted. He grinned, like Id cracked a joke: Youre Grandma, though. Kissed my cheek. In the note I wrote, Looked after Charlie for two days. Heart symbol next to it, to make it feel less like duty.

Marchmy cousin Jemma called, needing money till payday. Its for medicine, you understand. I did. Sent it over, didnt ask when shed repay. Sat in the kitchen, counting coins to make it till my next wages, giving up on a new coat despite the old ones shiny elbows. The note says, Helped Jemma out. Doesnt mention, Put myself last. That felt too small to be worth recording.

In April, a young colleagueEmmared-eyed, locked herself in the work loo and wept, saying her boyfriend had dumped her and she meant nothing to anyone. I knocked and said, Open up, Im here. We sat on the back stairwell that still reeked of fresh paint, her voice looping through her pain. I listened until it grew dark outside, then missed the physio session for my back that the doctor had insisted on.

At home, my spine ached as I collapsed onto the sofa. I wanted to be angry at Emma, but the anger turned inward: why cant you just say you need to go home? The note: Listened to Emma, gave support. I wrote her nameit felt warmer that way. Didnt add: Missed my appointment.

June, Sally from work had a car breakdown and needed a lift to her cottage with all her bags. She argued with her husband on speakerphone the whole way, didnt even ask if driving her out of the city fit my plans. I said nothing, eyes on country roads. At her place, she tumbled out with her bags, Thankswas on your way, Im sure! It wasnt. Double-backing home through gridlock, I missed dinner with Mum; she sulked for days.

In the note: Drove Sally to the cottage. That on your way stuck, and I stared at my phone long after the screen went dark.

August, deep nightMum rang, her voice thin and shaky: I dont feel right, my blood pressures bad. Im scared. I leapt out, threw my coat over pyjamas, booked a cab through a slumbering London. Her flat was stifling; blood pressure monitor and tablets scattered on the table. I measured, dosed her, waited till she dozed off.

Next morning, straight to work, eyes stinging with sleep, terrified Id ride past my Tube stop. Note: Stayed with Mum in the night. Typed an exclamation mark, then deleted itas if it was too loud.

By autumn the list had become so long it scrolled endlessly. Yet the longer it grew, the more I felt I was filing a report, not living. As if love had to be proved on a spreadsheet, ready to show if anyone ever asked, Do you even do anything?

I tried to recall the last time the list was about menot for me, but because of me. Every entry was about someone else: their worries, their requests, their plans. My own wants felt like childish whims to be hidden.

October brought a quiet confrontation that left its mark. I called by my sons to drop off paperwork. He was rummaging for keys, phone pressed to his ear. Charlie zipped circles round us, yelling for cartoons. My son pressed the phone to his chest: Since youre here, could you pop in the shop? We need milk and bread, and I cant go.

I said, Im honestly so tired. He didnt look up, just shrugged: But you can, cant you? You always can. And went back to his call.

Not a requestan expectation. I felt something hot rise up, mixed with shame. Shame for wanting to say no. For not wanting to be useful.

Still, I went to the shop. Got the milk, the bread, apples for Charliehe likes them. Dropped them on their table and heard, Cheers, Mum. Flat, like ticking a box. I smiled on cue and went home.

Opened my note, entered: Bought shopping for son. Stared at the words, fingers quivering now in anger, not exhaustion. The list wasnt support anymoreit had turned into a leash.

In November, the back pain got so bad I booked myself a GP appointment, Saturday morning so I wouldnt need time off. Friday nightMum on the phone: Will you come tomorrow? Need to go the chemist, and Im so alone.

I replied, Ive the doctors. Mum was silent a second, then: Oh, right. So I dont matter, then?

That always worked. Usually Id rush to explain, reschedule, promise. Mouth open for the old apologythen I stopped. Not stubborn, just tired, seeing at last that my own life counted too.

Softly: Ill come after lunch, Mum. I need the doctors.

She sighed as though Id left her out in a snowstorm. Fine, she said, with all the sullenness of habit.

That night, I slept poorly. Dreamt of running down corridors with files as doors slammed one after another. In the morning, made myself porridge, actually took the meds Id left in the cupboard, locked up and headed out. In the waiting room, with pensioners and lab results and the scent of deep heat, I realised I was more frightened by doing something for myself than by any diagnosis.

After the appointment, as Id promised, I went to Mumspicked up her prescription, climbed the three flights. She opened the door in silence but asked, Did you go?

I did, I answered. It mattered.

She looked at me for a long time as if catching sight of the person, not the help. Turned and went to the kitchen. Walking home later, I felt a strange reliefnot joy, but space opening inside.

December, as the year waned, I realised I was looking forward to weekends, not for a break, but for a chance. That Saturday morning, my son messaged: Can you mind Charlie for a few hours? Weve errands. Instinctively, my thumb tapped out Yes.

I sat on the edge of the bed, phone warm in my palm. Wanted so much, just for once, to stick to my own plans: trip into town, visiting the art museuman exhibition Id put off forever. To wander among paintings in silence, with no one to question where the socks were or what was needed for tea.

I wrote: I cant today. Ive got plans of my own. Hit send, flipped the phone face downsomehow it made it easier.

Reply pinged: Alright. Pause, then another: Are you upset?

Turned the phone over, feeling the familiar urge to explain, to apologise, to soften the blow. I could have: tired, needing to live too. But long explanations just open negotiationsI didnt want to bargain for myself.

Typed simply: No. It just matters to me. Nothing more.

Prepared calmly, like heading to workchecked the iron, locked the windows, grabbed purse, bank card, charger. At the bus stop, surrounded by shoppers, I noticed the peculiar freedom of not having to save anyone. Unfamiliar, not frightening.

In the gallery, I wandered slowly, studying painted faces, hands, the spill of light in painted windows. It felt like learning vigilancedirected at my own feelings this time. In the café, I sipped coffee, picked out a postcard of a painting, slipped it into my bag. The thick card felt sturdy between my fingers.

Returning home, I left my phone in my bag. Hung up my coat, washed my hands, put the kettle on. Then, finally, I sat, opened The Good Stuff note, scrolled down to todays date.

Stared at the blank line. Then pressed plus and typed: Visited the museum alone. Chose my life above someone elses request.

That felt accusatory; I scrubbed it out. Wrote instead: Visited the museum alone. Took care of myself.

Then, something occurred. At the top of the note, I drew two columns: one, For others. The other, For myself.

In For myself, just one entry so far. But as I looked, I felt something settlea realignment, as if my spine was finally straight. I didnt need to prove, to anybody, that I was good. I only needed to remember that I existed.

The phone whirred on the table. I didnt rush. Poured tea, sipped. Only then did I check: a message from Mum. How are you?

I replied, Im well. Ill bring you bread tomorrow. Added, before sending: I was busy today.

Sent it and left the phone face up beside me. The quiet didnt crowd me now. It felt like a space, cleared at last, just for me.

I suppose what Im realising, in all of this, is that living for others is a kind of habitbut caring for yourself isnt selfish, its necessary. And some columns, after all, are worth keeping balanced.

I’m 58 Years Old and I Made a Decision That Cost Me More Than Most People Could Imagine: I Stopped Supporting My Daughter Financially—And It Wasn’t Because I Don’t Love Her, or Because I’ve Become “Tight-Fisted” My daughter married a man who, right from the start, made it clear he doesn’t like to work. He hopped from job to job, always with a different excuse—the boss, the hours, the pay, the atmosphere… there was always something. She worked hard, but the money was never enough. Every month, he would come to me with the same words: rent, food, debts, school for the kids. And every time, in the end, I would help. At first, I thought it was temporary. A phase. That he would pull himself together, take responsibility, become a real man. But the years went by, and nothing changed. He would stay at home, sleep in, go out with friends, promise he was “almost” about to find work. And the money I gave my daughter really covered expenses that he should have taken care of—or worse, paid for his drinking. He didn’t look for a job because he knew, no matter what, I would be the one to “fix” it. My daughter didn’t confront him either. It was easier to ask me than to face up to him. So I was paying bills that weren’t mine, carrying the burden of a marriage that wasn’t mine. The day I decided to stop was when my daughter asked me for money for an “emergency”—and happened to mention it was needed to cover a debt her husband had racked up playing snooker with his mates. I asked her: —Why doesn’t he work? And she replied: —I don’t want to pressure him. That’s when I made it clear: I will continue to support her emotionally. I will always be there for her and my grandchildren. But I won’t give any more money as long as she stays with a man who does nothing and takes no responsibility. She cried. She was angry. She accused me of abandoning her. And it was one of the hardest moments I’ve faced as a mother. Tell me… was I wrong?

The Secret Word When Sarah stood at the till clutching a bag of yoghurt and bread and heard the terminal beep—“Transaction declined”—she swiped her card again, as if she could reason with a machine, but the cashier was already looking at her with wary fatigue. “Do you have another card?” asked the cashier. Sarah shook her head, checked her phone, and saw a text from her bank: “Account operations suspended. Contact support.” Another text immediately followed, this time from an unknown number: “Loan approved. Agreement No….” Heat flooded Sarah’s face as someone tutted impatiently behind her. Paying with emergency cash she kept just in case, Sarah left the shop. The bag’s handles bit into her fingers. All she could think was: This must be a mistake. It had to be. On the walk home, Sarah called the bank. An endless wait—pressing numbers, rote music, and finally a monotone operator. “Your account is locked for suspected fraudulent activity,” he said. “Your credit history now shows new obligations. You must visit a branch with your ID.” “What obligations?” Sarah tried to keep calm. “I haven’t taken anything out.” “According to our system, there are two payday loans and an application for a new SIM card in your name,” he droned, as if reciting a grocery list. “We can’t unlock the account until this is investigated.” Sarah hung up and stared at her phone at the bus stop. There were more loan texts—three in all. One offered a “grace period” and another warned “interest applied.” She tried to log in to her bank app, but access was denied: “Restricted.” Cold, clinical worry crept in, as if waiting for a verdict. She put her groceries down at home without even removing her coat. Her husband, Mark, sat in the lounge with his laptop. “Something up?” he asked, looking up. “My card didn’t work. The bank’s blocked it. And…” she showed him her phone, “apparently I’ve got loans out.” Mark frowned. “You’re sure you didn’t apply for something? Maybe you ticked the wrong box online.” “Me?” Sarah felt a flicker of irritation. “I’ve never even looked at those loan sites.” He sighed, as if it were an annoying, yet solvable household glitch. “We’ll get it sorted. Pop to the bank tomorrow.” His “pop to the bank” made it sound like paying the electric bill. Sarah went to make tea, realising her hands were trembling. She shoved her phone away, then pulled it back out. Another missed call: “Debt Collection.” She didn’t ring back. She slept badly. Phrases like “suspected fraud,” “obligations,” “SIM card” circled in her mind. She imagined going to the bank, being told “It was you” and having to prove otherwise, as if apologising for a crime she didn’t commit. She left early the next day, taking a holiday from work, breezily saying it was a “bank matter.” Her manager’s silent scrutiny was worse than sympathy. At the bank, people queued with paperwork and passports. When Sarah reached the front, the bank clerk pecked at the keyboard. “You have two payday loan agreements,” she said, not looking up. “One for £2,000, the other for £1,500. Plus a SIM card request at your mobile provider—and an attempted transfer to a third-party card.” “I didn’t do any of this,” Sarah repeated. Her words sounded flat and formulaic. “In that case, you’ll need to file a dispute for each transaction and a fraud report,” the clerk replied, sliding forms across. “We’ll issue a statement and a confirmation of the account block. Also advise you to check your credit file.” Sarah took the paperwork, scanning the fine print warning the bank “does not guarantee a positive outcome.” She signed, carefully. “How could this happen? I’ve got SMS confirmation on my accounts.” “The SIM could have been swapped,” the clerk replied evenly. “Then codes go to a new number. You’ll need to check with your provider.” Sarah left with a folder of documents—statement, claim, block confirmation. They felt heavier than evidence of someone else’s life. At the mobile shop, the young man smiled blandly. “Yes, there is a SIM card in your name,” he confirmed after checking ID. “Issued two days ago, at another branch.” “I never collected it,” Sarah’s insides twisted. “How was it handed out without me?” He shrugged. “You need a passport. Maybe a copy. Or a letter of authority—that’s logged. Want to dispute the issue? We’ll block the number.” “Block it,” Sarah said. “And give me the address where it was issued.” He printed the sheet: date, time, reference. Her old mobile number was listed, but next to it, a note: “SIM swap.” Someone had cloned her SIM. Sarah phoned a credit agency next, following endless instructions, codes, registrations—each code felt like a taunt, not protection. By midday, another call. “Sarah Jenkins?” A dry male voice. “You’re overdue on a payday loan. When will you pay?” “I didn’t take any loans,” she replied. “This is fraud.” “They all say that,” he retorted. “We have an agreement, your details. Don’t pay, we’ll send someone round.” Sarah hung up. Her heart raced. Shame coloured by fear, as if she’d been caught doing something dirty, though she’d done nothing wrong. That evening she went to the police. Paper and linoleum smell in the corridor, the desk sergeant quietly noting as she outlined: payday loans, SIM swap, attempted transfers. “You still have your passport? Never lost it?” “Never,” Sarah said. “But I have given photocopies for work insurance. Our letting agency asked for one, too.” “Copies get around,” he sighed. “But a SIM swap—that’s a clue. Write it all down; attach your statements and the shop address.” She wrote, fighting back tears. “Unknown persons” sounded silly, but it was almost worse knowing it was surely someone who knew her day-to-day. Home, Mark met her at the door. “Well?” “I’ve filed a police report. SIM blocked. Tomorrow: council offices and credit check.” Mark grimaced. “Look, maybe just pay the loans and move on? It’s not worth the stress.” Sarah stared at him. “Pay someone else’s debt?” she asked quietly. “And wait for more?” “I just meant, I… look, you know what the police are like…” She realised it was fear—he wanted it all to vanish, even if her identity went with it. Next day at the council’s One Stop Shop, surrounded by hands clutching paperwork, Sarah sat hugging her folder, certain the word “debts” was stamped on her forehead. The clerk detailed which documents she could get, how to bar future loans on her credit file. Sarah wrote everything down, her head already full to bursting. That evening her credit report arrived. Two payday lenders, one rejected application—her own passport, address, workplace in each entry. And in the “security word” field, the codeword only her close family knew. She re-read it, stunned. That word was created years ago as “extra security” when the bank suggested it. She chose something simple and, once, had said it aloud at home when setting up a family account. Mark and their son heard it. She also remembered helping Mark’s nephew, Daniel, set up a bank account on her laptop last winter; she’d said the codeword aloud to check it. Daniel had joked about forgotten passwords. Rooting through old folders, Sarah found the copy of her passport she’d made for Daniel to “prove address at work”—her signature “not for other use” scrawled on the side. She was staring at that paper, recalling Daniel’s request for a loan last month, the way Mark reassured her “not to fuss, he’s finding his feet,” when Mark walked in. “What’s up?” he asked. She put the copy and credit report on the table. “It’s got my codeword,” said Sarah. “And the SIM card was issued with my details. Daniel had the passport copy.” Mark frowned. “Are you serious? He wouldn’t do that. He’s just going through a rough patch.” “‘A rough patch’?” Sarah’s anger was cold. “I’m being threatened and muzzled. You want me to just pay and shut up?” Mark’s silence spoke of fear of upheaval, of needing to believe family wouldn’t do this. The next day, Sarah went to the phone shop where the swap had been done. The manager wouldn’t reveal details, but did confirm, quietly, “Original passport was shown. Photo matched. Signature done here.” Someone with her details had collected the SIM. Perhaps a lookalike, perhaps a clever fake, perhaps someone close enough to pass for her in hurried, tired eyes. She rang her friend Rachel, a solicitor. “I need advice; I think I know who did it.” Rachel didn’t ask for names. “Come over with everything. And don’t pay a penny to scammers.” At Rachel’s office, amongst coffee and papers, Sarah spread out every document. “Good—get it all in writing. Since the police complaint’s in, contest every agreement with the lenders, demand document copies, activate a No-Credit alert. If it’s a relative, don’t shy off. If you do, you’re saying it’s okay. It’s about your boundaries, not theirs.” Sarah nodded. “Boundaries” sounded alien in her family, where “helping” was unconditional. That Saturday, Daniel showed up. Mark had called him to “talk.” In the hallway, Daniel, pale, shifting his weight, caught Sarah’s eye. “Hi, Sarah. Mark said you’re having some trouble.” She didn’t invite him into the kitchen, just stood, folder ready. “It’s not just trouble,” Sarah said. “Someone’s taken out loans and swapped my SIM. My codeword’s in the application forms. You had my passport copy.” Daniel hesitated, the easy smile fading. “I… I really needed it. I thought you wouldn’t notice. Meant to pay it back; the interest just kept growing. I’m stuck. You’ve always helped.” Those words hurt more than the crime. “You’ve always helped” sounded like a right. Mark moved closer. “Do you realise… you could go to jail for this?” “I’ll pay it back! I just need more time—please, don’t…” Sarah handed over the police report copy. “Too late,” she said. “The report’s in. I won’t withdraw it.” Daniel turned pale. “But we’re family,” he choked out. “Family don’t do this,” Sarah answered. Her hands shook, but it was a new kind of strength. Mark dismissed him: “Go now, Daniel.” With Daniel gone, silence settled, heavy and final. Mark slumped on a stool. “I never thought he’d…,” he began. “Nor did I,” Sarah replied. “But I’m done trusting without reason.” “What now?” “I’ll see this through,” she said. “No sharing documents. No discussing codes. If anyone wants my phone, it’s no.” Mark nodded in defeat, recognising what was at stake. Weeks passed in procedural grind: contesting loans, sending claims, locking accounts, changing numbers, filing every paper. Sarah forwarded all harassment calls to Rachel, coolly demanding written contact only. One day, a lender confirmed: “Agreement flagged as disputed, charges frozen pending investigation.” Not victory, but at last an admission she didn’t have to argue forever. Mark became quieter, accepting as Sarah installed a lockbox for documents and changed her phone password. She refused to talk about Daniel while the investigation was live. At month’s end, the bank confirmed: “Account unlocked. Change your passport if possible and monitor your credit closely.” Sarah stepped out into the spring air, bought a new notebook, and wrote on the first page: “Rules”—no slogans, just practical steps. “No paper copies given out. Never say codewords aloud. Phone stays with me. Loans only to those I could say ‘no’ to.” She closed the notebook, zipped it away. The anxiety remained, now a functional kind—her trust wasn’t gone, but wasn’t free any longer. At home, while making tea, Sarah moved her new passwords into a small fireproof pouch. Mark handed her two mugs. “You were right,” he said quietly. “I just wanted everything to go back the way it was.” Sarah met his eyes. “It can’t be the way it was,” she replied. “But it can be better—if we protect each other by what we do, not just what we say.” Mark nodded as she locked away the pouch. The click was small, but it meant the world: a life reclaimed, one careful step at a time.

Two Columns She had already kicked off her boots and set the kettle boiling when a message from her manager pinged: “Could you cover for Claire tomorrow? She’s got a fever and there’s nobody else.” Her hands were still wet from doing the dishes, and she smeared the screen trying to unlock the phone. She dried her palms on a tea towel and glanced at her calendar. Tomorrow was the only evening she’d planned to turn in early, ignore her phone, and prepare for the report due in the morning—as it was, her head was buzzing. She typed, “Sorry, I can’t, I’ve got…” then stopped. That familiar nausea rose: if you say no, you’re letting people down. That means you’re not kind, not dependable. She deleted it and wrote instead: “Yes, I’ll come in.” Sent. The kettle rumbled. She poured her mug, pulled up a stool at the window, and opened a note on her phone she simply called “The Good List”. It already had today’s entry: “Covered Claire’s shift.” She put a full stop and added a little plus sign at the end, as though this balanced something out. That note had lived with her for almost a year. She’d started it in January, when the post-Christmas lull felt especially bleak and she needed proof her days weren’t evaporating unnoticed. The first line read: “Gave Mrs. Baker a lift to the surgery.” Mrs. Baker from the fifth floor shuffled along with her medical bag, too nervous to trust the bus. “You’re driving, aren’t you? Do me a favour, I’ll never make it otherwise,” she’d said through the intercom. So she dropped her off, waited in the car while tests were done, and took her home again. On the way back, she’d caught herself feeling annoyed—late for work, her mind crowded with other people’s complaints. The irritation made her feel guilty. She bit it back and washed it down with a coffee at the petrol station. In the note, she wrote it down neatly, as if it had been pure kindness, untainted. In February, her son’s business trip meant she had her grandson for the weekend. “You’re home anyway, it’s no trouble for you,” he said—it wasn’t a request but a fact. Her grandson was lovely and lively, with endless “can you look”, “let’s play”. She loved him, but by evening her hands shook with fatigue, her head rang like after leaving a concert. She put him to bed, washed the dishes, gathered up the toys—he knocked them out again the next morning. On Sunday, when her son returned, she said, “I’m exhausted.” He grinned, as if it was a joke: “You’re Grandma, that’s what you do.” He kissed her cheek. In the note she added: “Looked after grandson for two days.” She put a little heart to make it feel less like mere obligation. In March, her cousin phoned and asked to borrow money until payday. “It’s for medicine, you get it,” she pleaded. She did get it. She transferred the money, didn’t ask when it’d be paid back, then sat in her kitchen, figuring out how to make it to next payday and gave up on the new coat she’d wanted for months. The coat wasn’t a luxury—the old one was just worn thin at the elbows now. Her note said: “Helped my cousin out.” She didn’t write, “Put off buying something for myself.” That felt trivial, unworthy of recording. In April at work, one of the younger girls, eyes puffy and red, got stuck in the loo and couldn’t come out. She was crying softly that someone had left her and she felt disposable. She knocked and said, “Open up, I’m here.” Then they sat together on the freshly painted stairwell as dusk fell, and she listened, nodding while the girl repeated herself again and again. She missed her physio class for her bad back but stayed until it was dark. At home, her back ached. She wanted to be angry with the girl, but really, she was angry at herself: Why can’t you ever say you need to leave? In her phone, she added: “Listened to Katie, supported her.” She put her name because it felt more personal. Again, she didn’t write, “Skipped something for myself.” In June, she gave a colleague a lift to her allotment since her car had broken down. The colleague spent the drive arguing with her husband on speakerphone and never once asked if it was convenient. She said nothing, just watched the summer traffic. At the allotment, the colleague hefted out her shopping and said, “Thanks, I knew you wouldn’t mind—it’s on your way anyway.” It wasn’t. She battled traffic back, got home later than promised, and didn’t have time to check in on her mum—who was then upset. Her note that night read: “Gave Tania a lift to her allotment.” “On your way” seemed to sting, and she stared at the screen for a long time, waiting for it to dim. In August the phone rang late—her mum. Her voice was small, jittery: “I don’t feel well, love. My blood pressure. I’m scared.” She jumped up, grabbed her coat, called a taxi, and shot across the sleeping city. In the flat, it was stuffy. Blood pressure monitor on the table, tablets scattered. She checked her readings, handed out medicine, sat till her mum nodded off. In the morning she went straight to work, skipping her own home. In the Tube, she kept nearly dozing off, afraid of missing her stop. That day, in her note, she added: “Stayed overnight with Mum.” She started to add an exclamation mark, but deleted it—too loud, too much. By autumn the list had grown long, an endless scroll. The longer it got, the more she started to suspect she wasn’t living so much as submitting a report, collecting receipts of goodness in case anyone ever asked: “What do you even do?” She tried recalling the last time she’d added something just for herself. Not “for herself,” but “because of herself.” The entries were all about other people: their pain, their errands, their plans. Her own wishes seemed like silly whims to be hidden. In October something happened—not dramatic, just enough to leave a scratch. She took her son some documents he’d asked to have printed. She stood in the hallway holding the folder as he hunted for his keys and spoke into his phone. Her grandson zoomed around, demanding cartoons. Her son covered the receiver and tossed over his shoulder, “Mum, since you’re here, can you pop to the shops for bread and milk? I won’t have time.” She said, “I’m actually tired too.” He didn’t even look at her, just shrugged: “But you can, can’t you? You always can.” He went back to his call. Those words felt like a stamp. Not a request, a given. Something hot rose inside her—along with shame. Shame for wanting to refuse, for not wanting to be so endlessly accommodating. She went to the shops anyway. Bought milk, bread, some apples because her grandson liked them. Dropped them on the table and heard: “Thanks, Mum.” It was as flat as ticking a box. She smiled her usual smile and went home. There, she opened her note and typed: “Bought groceries for my son.” She stared at the line. Her fingers trembled with anger, not fatigue. She suddenly realised her list wasn’t a buoy anymore—it was a leash. In November, she booked a GP appointment at last. Her back pain was unbearable; she couldn’t even stand in the kitchen for long. She did it online, chose a Saturday morning slot so she wouldn’t miss work. Then Friday night, her mum called: “Will you come over tomorrow? I need the chemist, and I’m all alone.” “I’ve got a doctor’s appointment,” she said. There was a pause, then her mum replied: “All right. So I’m not important.” That line always worked. It used to send her into a spin of apologies and promises, pushing back her own things. She actually opened her mouth to say, “I’ll come after the doctor,”—but paused. It wasn’t stubbornness, just tiredness, as if realising her life mattered too. She whispered, “Mum, I’ll come after lunch. The doctor’s important.” Her mother sighed, as if left in the cold. “All right,” she said, packing all her resentment and old habits inside. She slept poorly that night. Dreamt of running down corridors with files as doors slammed one after another. In the morning she calmly made her porridge, swallowed some painkillers, and set out. At the clinic, waiting her turn, half-listening to pensioners discuss tests, she wasn’t thinking about the diagnosis—but about the strangeness of doing something for herself. Afterwards she visited her mum anyway, picked up medicine at the chemist, climbed to her mum’s flat. Her mum was silent at first, then asked: “So—you got seen to?” “I did,” she said. “I needed to.” Her mum looked at her closely, as if seeing a person not just a role. Then she turned away towards the kitchen. As she walked home, she felt a relief—not happiness, but space. By December, as the year wound down, she found herself waiting for weekends not as a breath, but as a chance. Saturday morning her son texted again: “Can you have your grandson for a couple of hours? We’ve errands.” She was about to type “sure”—automatic—but hesitated. She sat on the edge of her bed, phone warm in her palm. The flat was quiet; only the heater clicked. She thought of the day she’d planned—heading to the city, the museum, the exhibition she’d been putting off. Wandering among paintings, listening only to herself. She wrote: “Sorry, I can’t today. I have my own plans.” She sent it, put the phone facedown as if that could shield her from the reply. It came quickly: “Okay.” Then: “Are you upset with us?” She flipped the phone over, read it, and felt her old urge—to explain, to smooth things over. She could have typed a long reply: she was tired, she needed to live too. But explanations turn into bargaining, and she didn’t want to bargain for her own time. She wrote: “No. It’s just important to me.” That was all. She got ready calmly, like for a shift. Checked the iron twice, shut the windows, took her wallet, her card, her phone charger. At the bus stop, surrounded by shopping bags and sleepy faces, she realised—this time, there was nothing and no one she urgently had to save. Unfamiliar, but not frightening. In the museum she moved slowly, taking in faces and hands and the play of light in painted windows. She felt herself becoming attentive again—not to others’ pleas, but to herself. She had coffee in a cosy café, bought a postcard print and tucked it in her bag—a sturdy card, soothing to hold between her fingers. When she got home, the phone stayed in her bag. She took off her coat, hung it up, washed her hands, put the kettle on. Only then did she sit down, open “The Good List”, and scroll to today’s date. She stared at the empty line. Then she hit “plus” and typed: “Went to the museum on my own. Chose myself.” She stopped. “Chose myself” felt too loud, as if blaming someone. She deleted it and wrote simply: “Went to the museum on my own. Looked after myself.” Then she did something new. At the top of the note, she created two columns. On the left: “For Others.” On the right: “For Myself.” So far, the “For Myself” column had just that entry. She stared at it and felt something inside align, like a spine after a stretch. There was nothing left to prove to anyone. She just needed to remember she was here. Her phone buzzed again. She didn’t hurry. She poured her tea, took a sip, then checked. Mum had sent, simply: “How are you?” She replied: “I’m fine. I’ll bring you some bread tomorrow.” And paused, then added: “I was busy today.” She sent it and left the phone on the table, screen up. The room was quiet, and the silence wasn’t oppressive. It was like space—space finally cleared, just for her.