Two Columns She had already kicked off her boots and set the kettle boiling when a message from her manager pinged: “Could you cover for Claire tomorrow? She’s got a fever and there’s nobody else.” Her hands were still wet from doing the dishes, and she smeared the screen trying to unlock the phone. She dried her palms on a tea towel and glanced at her calendar. Tomorrow was the only evening she’d planned to turn in early, ignore her phone, and prepare for the report due in the morning—as it was, her head was buzzing. She typed, “Sorry, I can’t, I’ve got…” then stopped. That familiar nausea rose: if you say no, you’re letting people down. That means you’re not kind, not dependable. She deleted it and wrote instead: “Yes, I’ll come in.” Sent. The kettle rumbled. She poured her mug, pulled up a stool at the window, and opened a note on her phone she simply called “The Good List”. It already had today’s entry: “Covered Claire’s shift.” She put a full stop and added a little plus sign at the end, as though this balanced something out. That note had lived with her for almost a year. She’d started it in January, when the post-Christmas lull felt especially bleak and she needed proof her days weren’t evaporating unnoticed. The first line read: “Gave Mrs. Baker a lift to the surgery.” Mrs. Baker from the fifth floor shuffled along with her medical bag, too nervous to trust the bus. “You’re driving, aren’t you? Do me a favour, I’ll never make it otherwise,” she’d said through the intercom. So she dropped her off, waited in the car while tests were done, and took her home again. On the way back, she’d caught herself feeling annoyed—late for work, her mind crowded with other people’s complaints. The irritation made her feel guilty. She bit it back and washed it down with a coffee at the petrol station. In the note, she wrote it down neatly, as if it had been pure kindness, untainted. In February, her son’s business trip meant she had her grandson for the weekend. “You’re home anyway, it’s no trouble for you,” he said—it wasn’t a request but a fact. Her grandson was lovely and lively, with endless “can you look”, “let’s play”. She loved him, but by evening her hands shook with fatigue, her head rang like after leaving a concert. She put him to bed, washed the dishes, gathered up the toys—he knocked them out again the next morning. On Sunday, when her son returned, she said, “I’m exhausted.” He grinned, as if it was a joke: “You’re Grandma, that’s what you do.” He kissed her cheek. In the note she added: “Looked after grandson for two days.” She put a little heart to make it feel less like mere obligation. In March, her cousin phoned and asked to borrow money until payday. “It’s for medicine, you get it,” she pleaded. She did get it. She transferred the money, didn’t ask when it’d be paid back, then sat in her kitchen, figuring out how to make it to next payday and gave up on the new coat she’d wanted for months. The coat wasn’t a luxury—the old one was just worn thin at the elbows now. Her note said: “Helped my cousin out.” She didn’t write, “Put off buying something for myself.” That felt trivial, unworthy of recording. In April at work, one of the younger girls, eyes puffy and red, got stuck in the loo and couldn’t come out. She was crying softly that someone had left her and she felt disposable. She knocked and said, “Open up, I’m here.” Then they sat together on the freshly painted stairwell as dusk fell, and she listened, nodding while the girl repeated herself again and again. She missed her physio class for her bad back but stayed until it was dark. At home, her back ached. She wanted to be angry with the girl, but really, she was angry at herself: Why can’t you ever say you need to leave? In her phone, she added: “Listened to Katie, supported her.” She put her name because it felt more personal. Again, she didn’t write, “Skipped something for myself.” In June, she gave a colleague a lift to her allotment since her car had broken down. The colleague spent the drive arguing with her husband on speakerphone and never once asked if it was convenient. She said nothing, just watched the summer traffic. At the allotment, the colleague hefted out her shopping and said, “Thanks, I knew you wouldn’t mind—it’s on your way anyway.” It wasn’t. She battled traffic back, got home later than promised, and didn’t have time to check in on her mum—who was then upset. Her note that night read: “Gave Tania a lift to her allotment.” “On your way” seemed to sting, and she stared at the screen for a long time, waiting for it to dim. In August the phone rang late—her mum. Her voice was small, jittery: “I don’t feel well, love. My blood pressure. I’m scared.” She jumped up, grabbed her coat, called a taxi, and shot across the sleeping city. In the flat, it was stuffy. Blood pressure monitor on the table, tablets scattered. She checked her readings, handed out medicine, sat till her mum nodded off. In the morning she went straight to work, skipping her own home. In the Tube, she kept nearly dozing off, afraid of missing her stop. That day, in her note, she added: “Stayed overnight with Mum.” She started to add an exclamation mark, but deleted it—too loud, too much. By autumn the list had grown long, an endless scroll. The longer it got, the more she started to suspect she wasn’t living so much as submitting a report, collecting receipts of goodness in case anyone ever asked: “What do you even do?” She tried recalling the last time she’d added something just for herself. Not “for herself,” but “because of herself.” The entries were all about other people: their pain, their errands, their plans. Her own wishes seemed like silly whims to be hidden. In October something happened—not dramatic, just enough to leave a scratch. She took her son some documents he’d asked to have printed. She stood in the hallway holding the folder as he hunted for his keys and spoke into his phone. Her grandson zoomed around, demanding cartoons. Her son covered the receiver and tossed over his shoulder, “Mum, since you’re here, can you pop to the shops for bread and milk? I won’t have time.” She said, “I’m actually tired too.” He didn’t even look at her, just shrugged: “But you can, can’t you? You always can.” He went back to his call. Those words felt like a stamp. Not a request, a given. Something hot rose inside her—along with shame. Shame for wanting to refuse, for not wanting to be so endlessly accommodating. She went to the shops anyway. Bought milk, bread, some apples because her grandson liked them. Dropped them on the table and heard: “Thanks, Mum.” It was as flat as ticking a box. She smiled her usual smile and went home. There, she opened her note and typed: “Bought groceries for my son.” She stared at the line. Her fingers trembled with anger, not fatigue. She suddenly realised her list wasn’t a buoy anymore—it was a leash. In November, she booked a GP appointment at last. Her back pain was unbearable; she couldn’t even stand in the kitchen for long. She did it online, chose a Saturday morning slot so she wouldn’t miss work. Then Friday night, her mum called: “Will you come over tomorrow? I need the chemist, and I’m all alone.” “I’ve got a doctor’s appointment,” she said. There was a pause, then her mum replied: “All right. So I’m not important.” That line always worked. It used to send her into a spin of apologies and promises, pushing back her own things. She actually opened her mouth to say, “I’ll come after the doctor,”—but paused. It wasn’t stubbornness, just tiredness, as if realising her life mattered too. She whispered, “Mum, I’ll come after lunch. The doctor’s important.” Her mother sighed, as if left in the cold. “All right,” she said, packing all her resentment and old habits inside. She slept poorly that night. Dreamt of running down corridors with files as doors slammed one after another. In the morning she calmly made her porridge, swallowed some painkillers, and set out. At the clinic, waiting her turn, half-listening to pensioners discuss tests, she wasn’t thinking about the diagnosis—but about the strangeness of doing something for herself. Afterwards she visited her mum anyway, picked up medicine at the chemist, climbed to her mum’s flat. Her mum was silent at first, then asked: “So—you got seen to?” “I did,” she said. “I needed to.” Her mum looked at her closely, as if seeing a person not just a role. Then she turned away towards the kitchen. As she walked home, she felt a relief—not happiness, but space. By December, as the year wound down, she found herself waiting for weekends not as a breath, but as a chance. Saturday morning her son texted again: “Can you have your grandson for a couple of hours? We’ve errands.” She was about to type “sure”—automatic—but hesitated. She sat on the edge of her bed, phone warm in her palm. The flat was quiet; only the heater clicked. She thought of the day she’d planned—heading to the city, the museum, the exhibition she’d been putting off. Wandering among paintings, listening only to herself. She wrote: “Sorry, I can’t today. I have my own plans.” She sent it, put the phone facedown as if that could shield her from the reply. It came quickly: “Okay.” Then: “Are you upset with us?” She flipped the phone over, read it, and felt her old urge—to explain, to smooth things over. She could have typed a long reply: she was tired, she needed to live too. But explanations turn into bargaining, and she didn’t want to bargain for her own time. She wrote: “No. It’s just important to me.” That was all. She got ready calmly, like for a shift. Checked the iron twice, shut the windows, took her wallet, her card, her phone charger. At the bus stop, surrounded by shopping bags and sleepy faces, she realised—this time, there was nothing and no one she urgently had to save. Unfamiliar, but not frightening. In the museum she moved slowly, taking in faces and hands and the play of light in painted windows. She felt herself becoming attentive again—not to others’ pleas, but to herself. She had coffee in a cosy café, bought a postcard print and tucked it in her bag—a sturdy card, soothing to hold between her fingers. When she got home, the phone stayed in her bag. She took off her coat, hung it up, washed her hands, put the kettle on. Only then did she sit down, open “The Good List”, and scroll to today’s date. She stared at the empty line. Then she hit “plus” and typed: “Went to the museum on my own. Chose myself.” She stopped. “Chose myself” felt too loud, as if blaming someone. She deleted it and wrote simply: “Went to the museum on my own. Looked after myself.” Then she did something new. At the top of the note, she created two columns. On the left: “For Others.” On the right: “For Myself.” So far, the “For Myself” column had just that entry. She stared at it and felt something inside align, like a spine after a stretch. There was nothing left to prove to anyone. She just needed to remember she was here. Her phone buzzed again. She didn’t hurry. She poured her tea, took a sip, then checked. Mum had sent, simply: “How are you?” She replied: “I’m fine. I’ll bring you some bread tomorrow.” And paused, then added: “I was busy today.” She sent it and left the phone on the table, screen up. The room was quiet, and the silence wasn’t oppressive. It was like space—space finally cleared, just for her.

Author Walton MerrittReading 11 minViews 3

10th December

Id barely kicked off my boots and set the kettle boiling when a message pinged from my manager: Could you cover for Olivia tomorrow? Shes down with a fever and theres no one else for her shift. My hands were still wet from the washing-up, soap streaks left on the screen as I reached for my phone. Drying my fingers on the tea towel, I tapped open the calendar. Tomorrow was the one evening Id earmarked to go to bed early and ignore everyonebig report due in the morning, and my heads been throbbing all week.

I started typing: Sorry, I cant, Ive got Then hesitated. That familiar churn in my stomachlet them down, and youre the unreliable one. Youre not like that. I deleted the words, sent a simple, Yes, Ill do it. Off it went.

The kettle whistled. I poured my tea and sat at the old stool by the window, opening up a note on my phone called The Good Stuff. Todays entry: Covered Olivias shift. Full stop, then a little plus sign at the endas though that small mark could make things balance.

That notes been with me nearly a year. I started it in January. After the holidays it felt especially hollow, and I needed proof the days werent just slipping away unnoticed. The first one reads: Gave Mrs Jenkins from upstairs a lift to her doctors. Shed hobbled down from the fifth floor with her samples, afraid of missing her appointment or being jostled on the bus. Shed called out on the intercom: You have a cargive us a lift, will you? Otherwise, I wont get there. So I did, waited in the car while she went in for her blood test, then brought her home.

On the way back, I caught myself feeling irritatedrunning late for work, already hearing arguments about queues and doctors in my head. The irritation felt shameful; I swallowed it, washed it down with takeaway coffee at a petrol station. Later, I wrote the note as if the deed had been done with nothing but goodness.

In February, my son had to travel for work. He dropped my grandson off for the weekend. Youre around, its not a problem, right? Not askingtelling. Little Charlie is a whirlwind of look! and play with me! I love the lad, but by the evening my hands were shaking with fatigue, my skull buzzing as if after a blasting concert.

Put him to bed, washed up, tidied his toys into the boxhe tipped it out again come morning. Sunday, when my son returned, I managed: Im exhausted. He grinned, like Id cracked a joke: Youre Grandma, though. Kissed my cheek. In the note I wrote, Looked after Charlie for two days. Heart symbol next to it, to make it feel less like duty.

Marchmy cousin Jemma called, needing money till payday. Its for medicine, you understand. I did. Sent it over, didnt ask when shed repay. Sat in the kitchen, counting coins to make it till my next wages, giving up on a new coat despite the old ones shiny elbows. The note says, Helped Jemma out. Doesnt mention, Put myself last. That felt too small to be worth recording.

In April, a young colleagueEmmared-eyed, locked herself in the work loo and wept, saying her boyfriend had dumped her and she meant nothing to anyone. I knocked and said, Open up, Im here. We sat on the back stairwell that still reeked of fresh paint, her voice looping through her pain. I listened until it grew dark outside, then missed the physio session for my back that the doctor had insisted on.

At home, my spine ached as I collapsed onto the sofa. I wanted to be angry at Emma, but the anger turned inward: why cant you just say you need to go home? The note: Listened to Emma, gave support. I wrote her nameit felt warmer that way. Didnt add: Missed my appointment.

June, Sally from work had a car breakdown and needed a lift to her cottage with all her bags. She argued with her husband on speakerphone the whole way, didnt even ask if driving her out of the city fit my plans. I said nothing, eyes on country roads. At her place, she tumbled out with her bags, Thankswas on your way, Im sure! It wasnt. Double-backing home through gridlock, I missed dinner with Mum; she sulked for days.

In the note: Drove Sally to the cottage. That on your way stuck, and I stared at my phone long after the screen went dark.

August, deep nightMum rang, her voice thin and shaky: I dont feel right, my blood pressures bad. Im scared. I leapt out, threw my coat over pyjamas, booked a cab through a slumbering London. Her flat was stifling; blood pressure monitor and tablets scattered on the table. I measured, dosed her, waited till she dozed off.

Next morning, straight to work, eyes stinging with sleep, terrified Id ride past my Tube stop. Note: Stayed with Mum in the night. Typed an exclamation mark, then deleted itas if it was too loud.

By autumn the list had become so long it scrolled endlessly. Yet the longer it grew, the more I felt I was filing a report, not living. As if love had to be proved on a spreadsheet, ready to show if anyone ever asked, Do you even do anything?

I tried to recall the last time the list was about menot for me, but because of me. Every entry was about someone else: their worries, their requests, their plans. My own wants felt like childish whims to be hidden.

October brought a quiet confrontation that left its mark. I called by my sons to drop off paperwork. He was rummaging for keys, phone pressed to his ear. Charlie zipped circles round us, yelling for cartoons. My son pressed the phone to his chest: Since youre here, could you pop in the shop? We need milk and bread, and I cant go.

I said, Im honestly so tired. He didnt look up, just shrugged: But you can, cant you? You always can. And went back to his call.

Not a requestan expectation. I felt something hot rise up, mixed with shame. Shame for wanting to say no. For not wanting to be useful.

Still, I went to the shop. Got the milk, the bread, apples for Charliehe likes them. Dropped them on their table and heard, Cheers, Mum. Flat, like ticking a box. I smiled on cue and went home.

Opened my note, entered: Bought shopping for son. Stared at the words, fingers quivering now in anger, not exhaustion. The list wasnt support anymoreit had turned into a leash.

In November, the back pain got so bad I booked myself a GP appointment, Saturday morning so I wouldnt need time off. Friday nightMum on the phone: Will you come tomorrow? Need to go the chemist, and Im so alone.

I replied, Ive the doctors. Mum was silent a second, then: Oh, right. So I dont matter, then?

That always worked. Usually Id rush to explain, reschedule, promise. Mouth open for the old apologythen I stopped. Not stubborn, just tired, seeing at last that my own life counted too.

Softly: Ill come after lunch, Mum. I need the doctors.

She sighed as though Id left her out in a snowstorm. Fine, she said, with all the sullenness of habit.

That night, I slept poorly. Dreamt of running down corridors with files as doors slammed one after another. In the morning, made myself porridge, actually took the meds Id left in the cupboard, locked up and headed out. In the waiting room, with pensioners and lab results and the scent of deep heat, I realised I was more frightened by doing something for myself than by any diagnosis.

After the appointment, as Id promised, I went to Mumspicked up her prescription, climbed the three flights. She opened the door in silence but asked, Did you go?

I did, I answered. It mattered.

She looked at me for a long time as if catching sight of the person, not the help. Turned and went to the kitchen. Walking home later, I felt a strange reliefnot joy, but space opening inside.

December, as the year waned, I realised I was looking forward to weekends, not for a break, but for a chance. That Saturday morning, my son messaged: Can you mind Charlie for a few hours? Weve errands. Instinctively, my thumb tapped out Yes.

I sat on the edge of the bed, phone warm in my palm. Wanted so much, just for once, to stick to my own plans: trip into town, visiting the art museuman exhibition Id put off forever. To wander among paintings in silence, with no one to question where the socks were or what was needed for tea.

I wrote: I cant today. Ive got plans of my own. Hit send, flipped the phone face downsomehow it made it easier.

Reply pinged: Alright. Pause, then another: Are you upset?

Turned the phone over, feeling the familiar urge to explain, to apologise, to soften the blow. I could have: tired, needing to live too. But long explanations just open negotiationsI didnt want to bargain for myself.

Typed simply: No. It just matters to me. Nothing more.

Prepared calmly, like heading to workchecked the iron, locked the windows, grabbed purse, bank card, charger. At the bus stop, surrounded by shoppers, I noticed the peculiar freedom of not having to save anyone. Unfamiliar, not frightening.

In the gallery, I wandered slowly, studying painted faces, hands, the spill of light in painted windows. It felt like learning vigilancedirected at my own feelings this time. In the café, I sipped coffee, picked out a postcard of a painting, slipped it into my bag. The thick card felt sturdy between my fingers.

Returning home, I left my phone in my bag. Hung up my coat, washed my hands, put the kettle on. Then, finally, I sat, opened The Good Stuff note, scrolled down to todays date.

Stared at the blank line. Then pressed plus and typed: Visited the museum alone. Chose my life above someone elses request.

That felt accusatory; I scrubbed it out. Wrote instead: Visited the museum alone. Took care of myself.

Then, something occurred. At the top of the note, I drew two columns: one, For others. The other, For myself.

In For myself, just one entry so far. But as I looked, I felt something settlea realignment, as if my spine was finally straight. I didnt need to prove, to anybody, that I was good. I only needed to remember that I existed.

The phone whirred on the table. I didnt rush. Poured tea, sipped. Only then did I check: a message from Mum. How are you?

I replied, Im well. Ill bring you bread tomorrow. Added, before sending: I was busy today.

Sent it and left the phone face up beside me. The quiet didnt crowd me now. It felt like a space, cleared at last, just for me.

I suppose what Im realising, in all of this, is that living for others is a kind of habitbut caring for yourself isnt selfish, its necessary. And some columns, after all, are worth keeping balanced.

The Secret Word Helen stood at the till, clutching a bag with yoghurt and bread, when the card machine beeped and displayed: “Transaction declined.” She instinctively offered her card once more, as if willing the machine to change its mind, but the cashier was already watching her with tired suspicion. “Have you got another card?” the woman asked. Helen shook her head, pulled out her phone, and saw a text from her bank: “Account operations suspended. Please contact support.” Immediately after, another message popped up, this time from an unknown sender: “Loan approved. Agreement No. …” She stood frozen, heat rising to her cheeks, while someone behind her shuffled impatiently. She paid in cash — money she kept “just in case” — then stepped out onto the street. The bag dug into her fingers. Only one thought whirled in her mind: this must be a mistake. It had to be. On her way home, Helen phoned her bank. Automated menus, tinny hold music, and finally an operator. “You’re blocked due to suspected fraudulent transactions,” said the voice flatly. “Your credit record reflects new obligations. You’ll need to come in with your identification.” “What obligations?” Helen tried to keep her voice steady. “I haven’t taken out anything.” “The system lists two short-term loans and an application for a mobile SIM registered in your name,” the operator replied, as if reciting gas meter readings. “We can’t restore access until we’ve checked your documents.” Helen ended the call and stared at her phone, standing at the bus stop. The loan message wasn’t the only one. There were three. One promised an “interest-free period”, another warned about “fees accruing”. She tried to log in to her online banking, but access was blocked: “Limited access.” A cold, clinical sense of dread began to settle inside her, like sitting in a doctor’s office. At home, she set her shopping down without removing her coat. Her husband, Graham, was in the living room working on his laptop. “Something up?” he asked, looking over. “My card didn’t work. The bank’s blocked it. And…” She showed him her phone. “These are some kind of loans in my name.” Graham frowned. “Are you sure you didn’t tick a box somewhere?” “Me?” Helen felt a flicker of annoyance. “I’ve never even visited one of those payday lenders.” He sighed — as if this were an annoying but fixable household problem. “We’ll sort it. Go down to the branch tomorrow.” She hated how “go down” made it sound no worse than paying a water bill. In the kitchen, she turned on the kettle and realised her hands were trembling. She put her phone away, then immediately retrieved it. Missed call on the screen: “Collections Department.” She didn’t ring back. That night, sleep barely came. Words drifted through her thoughts: “suspected fraud”, “financial obligations”, “SIM card”. She pictured herself going to the bank and being told: “This was you.” She imagined having to prove her innocence, as if apologising for something she’d never done. The next morning, Helen left early. She called in to work, saying she had “a problem with the bank”. Her manager gave her a measured look but didn’t pry. The silence felt worse than pity. At the bank, the queue snaked toward the counter, everyone clutching passports and papers. Helen listened to talk of transfers and credit cards and “just a quick question”. When her turn came, the staff member in a white shirt asked for her ID and began typing. “You have two payday loans,” she said, without looking up. “One for £2,000, the other for £1,500. Plus a SIM card registered to your name, and an attempted transfer of funds to a third party.” “I didn’t do any of that,” Helen repeated. Her words sounded flat and automatic. “You’ll need to file a dispute over the transactions and a report of fraud,” the staffer handed her the forms. “We’ll give you a statement and confirmation of the account block. I also recommend requesting your credit history from the bureau.” Helen took the paperwork. In tiny print at the bottom: the bank couldn’t guarantee a positive outcome. She signed, careful to stay inside the lines. “How could this happen?” she asked. “I get SMS confirmations.” “The SIM might have been reissued,” the staff member replied. “Texts go to the new number if the SIM is duplicated. Speak with your mobile provider.” Helen left the bank with a folder: statement, claim copy, account block letter. The papers felt as heavy as someone else’s life. The mobile provider’s shop was stuffy. A young salesman smiled as if hawking phone cases. “A SIM card has been issued in your name,” he said, checking her passport. “Issued two days ago. At another branch.” “I didn’t get it,” said Helen, a chill tightening inside her. “How could it be given out without me?” He shrugged. “Needs an ID. Could have been a copy. If so, there’d be a record. Want to dispute it? We’ll block the number.” “Block it,” Helen said. “And give me the branch address.” He printed a slip: address, time, application number. Under “contact number” was her old mobile, one she knew by heart — her own — with the note: “SIM swap”. Someone had duplicated it. Outside, Helen called the credit bureau. More instructions: sign up through gov.uk, confirm identity, wait for the report. She leaned against the wall, entering codes, and every code felt more like mockery than security. By lunchtime, another call came. “Mrs. Rawlins?” A dry male voice. “You have an overdue payday loan. When will you pay?” “I haven’t taken any loan out,” she said. “This is fraud.” “Everyone says that,” the man replied. “We have your agreement. Your information. If you don’t pay, we’ll send a collector.” She hung up. Her heart pounded as though she’d been running. Shame rose alongside fear — as if caught out in something sordid, though her conscience was clear. She went to the police station towards evening. The lobby smelt of paper and linoleum. The desk sergeant, a man in his fifties, listened without interruption and jotted notes. “You’re saying: payday loans, SIM card, attempted transfer,” he repeated. “Still got your passport, haven’t lost it?” “I’ve not lost it,” Helen replied. “But I’ve handed out copies before — for proof of ID at work, for an insurance policy, and at the housing office.” “Copies get about,” the desk sergeant sighed. “But the SIM swap: that’s our lead. Put it all in a statement, include your documents, the shop address. We’ll log it and start queries.” He handed her the forms and a pen. Helen wrote, fighting back tears. The phrase “unknown persons” felt absurd. She sensed it wasn’t so much “persons” as someone who understood exactly how her life worked. When she got home, Graham met her at the door. “Well?” he asked. “I filed a statement. The SIM’s blocked. Tomorrow the council and I need to request my credit report,” Helen said quickly, as if speed would help somehow. Graham winced. “Maybe you should pay it off and forget it, then. It’s not worth the stress.” Helen stared at him, not recognising what she saw. “Pay for what someone else did?” she asked quietly. “And then what, wait for more?” “I didn’t mean… It’s just, you know the police…” She realised he was frightened, too. He wanted it gone, even at the cost of her name. The next day, she went to the Council help centre. Ticket machine, people with bulging folders, someone cursing at the queue monitor. Helen sat clutching her documents, convinced everyone could see ‘debts’ scrawled on her forehead. A staff member explained which documents she could get, which forms to fill online, and how to bar all new loans on her credit file. Helen took careful notes — her mind couldn’t hold it all anymore. That evening, her credit report arrived: two payday lenders, and a third rejected application. Each line listed her passport number, address, job. One field, “secret word”, hit her like a spark. The secret word was something only family would know. Helen read and reread it. She’d chosen her “security word” when the bank suggested extra protection, picking something simple and memorable. She’d told Graham and her son once, long ago, when setting up a joint account. And then — she remembered — last winter, her nephew Jamie, Graham’s nephew, had come round and she’d helped him apply for a job online, saying her password aloud to check how it sounded. She snapped her laptop shut. That security word hadn’t leaked online — it was never emailed, never written on the passport copies. It had been heard, nearby. She dug out a file of old papers: passport copies, certificates, contracts. She found the one for Jamie — last year when he’d asked for help “getting a payroll card”, saying he couldn’t register on the app and needed “just a copy to show at the branch”. She’d signed it “not to be used elsewhere”. It hadn’t helped. Helen sat in the kitchen, staring at the paper, remembering Jamie asking for money a month ago — how Graham had insisted, “Don’t start, he’s trying hard.” How Jamie had always joked, ducked serious talk, and vanished quickly afterward. Graham entered. “What’s up?” he asked. Helen laid down the credit report and the passport copy. “My security word’s on the application,” she said. “And the SIM was issued to my ID. Jamie had a passport copy.” Graham scanned the page, frowning. “Are you saying…” He trailed off. “I want to know who else might know that word,” Helen said evenly. “And who had copies.” He shoved his chair back. “You can’t be serious. He wouldn’t. He’s just… had a tough time lately.” “Tough time?” Her anger was cold and definite. “Well, so have I. I get threats and blocks and people saying, ‘Why not just pay up’?” Graham was silent — not in agreement, but out of unwillingness. He wasn’t defending Jamie, just the idea that “family” couldn’t do such things. The next day, Helen went to the mobile shop branch where the SIM was issued. A tiny booth in a shopping arcade. She showed her ID, asked for the manager. “We can’t share another customer’s information,” the girl at the desk said. “If you think it’s fraud, you’ll need to go through the police.” “I already have,” Helen replied. “I just need to know: which ID was used?” The girl hesitated, then lowered her voice. “Our system says: original passport shown. Photo matched. Signature provided.” Helen’s hands went numb. Whoever it was had come in person, with a passable fake, or a lookalike, or her details and a not-too-different face. She pictured Jamie at the counter, breezily claiming to have lost his SIM. She imagined the tired staffer not looking too closely. She left and rang her friend Sarah, a solicitor at a small firm. “I need advice,” she said. “And I may have to name names.” Sarah didn’t hesitate. “Come over tonight. Bring everything. And don’t pay a penny to the scammers.” Sarah’s office smelt of coffee and paper. Helen spread statements, claims, bureau reports, the slip with the branch address. “Good that you’ve documented everything,” Sarah said. “Now, parallel to your police statement, send written objections to the payday loan companies — demand all application copies. Put an instant credit block online. It’s not perfect, but it helps.” “If it’s… family?” Helen said, choking a bit. “All the more reason,” Sarah replied. “If you let it go, they’ll know they can get away with more. It’s not about money. It’s about boundaries.” Helen nodded. Boundaries felt alien in her family — where “yours” was always “ours”. On Saturday, Jamie turned up himself. Graham had called him to “talk”. Helen heard the front door, Jamie’s breezy voice, a feeble joke. She stayed in the corridor, clutching her folder. “Hi, Auntie,” Jamie said. “Graham said you’ve had some weird problems.” Helen didn’t invite him to the kitchen. She stayed put. “I’ve got problems alright,” she said. “Someone’s taken out loans and cloned my SIM. The security word is the one I use. My passport copy was with you.” Jamie faltered. “Wow, well, that’s terrible. These scams…” “And you had my passport copy,” Helen repeated. Graham stood taut, like he’d intervene. “Helen, don’t—” he started gently. “I’m just asking,” Helen said. Jamie glanced down, then up, eyes darting. “I needed the money. Thought you wouldn’t notice before I could fix things. I was covering another debt — I was going to pay you back. Interest, you know? I’m in over my head.” “And you did this in my name.” Helen heard her voice, calm and cold. “You realised I’d be threatened? That my account would be frozen?” “I thought I’d have time,” Jamie croaked. “I didn’t mean you any harm. It’s just… you always help.” That phrase landed the hardest. “You always help” sounded like a right. Graham stepped forward. “Jamie, do you know what you’ve done? This is criminal.” “I’ll pay it back, honest. I’ll get a job. Just… don’t—” Helen took out her police report copy. “Too late. I’ve already filed. And I’m not withdrawing it.” Jamie turned white. “But… we’re family.” “Family don’t steal,” Helen replied. She was trembling, not from weakness, but from finally standing her ground. Graham gazed at her, his look full of something new and painful. He wanted to protect his nephew, but knew the cost would be her entire future. “Go,” Graham told Jamie. “Now.” Jamie lingered, as if hoping for forgiveness, before leaving. The door closed. The silence was not relief — it was the shattering quiet after something breaks. Graham slumped onto a stool, rubbing his face. “I never thought he would…” he started. “Nor did I,” Helen said, leaning against the wall. “But I’m done living as if trust is a shield.” He looked up at her. “So what now?” “I finish this,” Helen replied. “And here at home, too. No more giving out document copies. Passwords are private. Nobody borrows my phone, not even for a minute.” Graham nodded, defeated but accepting. The following weeks were a slow ordeal. Helen sent letters to payday lenders, including police reference numbers. She opened a new bank account, moved her salary over. She set the credit block herself, signed up for credit alerts. At the mobile shop, she got a new SIM on a locked-down account. Every step left paperwork: receipts, scanned applications, new passwords written out and locked in a separate envelope. Exhaustion lingered, but with it came the sense that she was finally regaining control. Collectors still called, but Helen was different now. “Please send everything in writing,” she said. “Fraud claim filed, case reference number available. This call is recorded.” Some hung up; others tried to intimidate her. She kept records and sent everything to Sarah. One evening a lender messaged: “Agreement is under dispute; collections paused pending investigation.” It wasn’t victory, but it was the first formal recognition that she wouldn’t have to prove her innocence in perpetuity. Graham grew quieter. He didn’t protest when she put her documents in a locked drawer, or when she changed her phone password. Sometimes he mentioned Jamie, but Helen cut him off. “I’m not discussing him,” she said. “Not until this is done.” She didn’t feel triumphant. Just wary — like returning to a smoke-filled house after a fire. At month’s end, Helen collected a bank letter confirming the disputed loans had been written off. The clerk handed her the form and said, “The block’s lifted, but do renew your passport when possible, and check your credit report regularly.” Helen stepped outside and let herself exhale. She bought a new notebook and pen from a corner shop, sat on a park bench, and wrote on the first page: “Rules”. No slogans or promises, just a list. “Never give out ID copies. Never say security words aloud. Phone access is personal. Lend money only if willing to say no.” She put the notebook in her handbag, zipped it shut. The anxiety lingered, but now it was something she could work with — not something that would paralyse her. At home, she boiled the kettle, took her new passwords and stored them in a fireproof pouch she’d bought. Graham came into the kitchen and silently set down two mugs. “I get it now,” he said at last. “You’re right. I just wanted things to go back to how they were.” Helen looked at him. “There’s no going back,” she said. “But we can move forward, if looking after each other means actions, not just words.” Graham nodded. She heard the soft click of the drawer lock as she shut it — a small, almost trivial sound, but in it was exactly what she needed: the feeling that control was returning through these simple, careful steps.

“It’s My House, My Kitchen,” Declared My Mother-in-Law — “Thank you, is that what I get for not even having the right to make a mistake? In my own home…” — “In my home,” Rimma Markovna corrected quietly but firmly. “This is my house, Yulia. And in my kitchen, there’s no place for inedible food.” Kitchen silence fell. “Yulia dear, you know yourself that was impossible to serve.” “Your parents are decent people; I couldn’t let them chew on that shoe-leather,” Rimma Markovna dispensed tea into delicate china cups with stoic composure. Yulia stood at the edge of the table, feeling her insides clench into a hot, hard knot. Her ears rang. On her parents’ plates, who’d just gone into the lounge with Kirill, were the remnants of that very “shoe-leather”: juicy duck breast with cranberry sauce, which Yulia had spent four hours cooking. Or, she thought she was. “It’s not shoe-leather,” Yulia’s voice shook as she forced herself to meet her mother-in-law’s eyes. “I marinated it using Mum’s recipe. I bought a farm duck especially. Where is it, Rimma Markovna?” Her mother-in-law set aside the teapot elegantly and wiped her hands on a pure white towel. Not a trace of remorse on her face—just a pitying condescension reserved for foolish puppies. “It’s in the rubbish, my dear. Your marinade… how can I put this politely… smelt so much of vinegar it stung the eyes. So I made a proper confit. With thyme, low and slow. Did you see your dad asking for second helpings? That’s the standard. That stuff you hacked together could work for a motorway caff, not for my table.” “You had no right,” Yulia whispered. “That was my dinner. My anniversary gift for my parents. You didn’t even ask!” “What’s there to ask?” Rimma Markovna raised an eyebrow, her gaze flashing with the steely professionalism of a head chef used to barking at line cooks in Michelin-starred kitchens. “You don’t ask permission to put out a fire. I was saving the family reputation. Kirill would have been upset if our guests were poisoned. Go, serve the cake. By the way, I tweaked that too—the cream was too runny, I thickened it and added some zest.” Yulia looked at her hands. They shook a little. She’d spent all day flying around the kitchen, while Rimma Markovna was supposedly “resting in her room.” Yulia measured every gram, strained the sauce, garnished the plates. She wanted to prove she wasn’t just “Kirill’s girl”—but the lady of the house, capable of setting a table. But the moment she left for half an hour to tidy up before the guests, “the professional” took over the kitchen. “Yulia, what’s taking so long?” Kirill appeared in the doorway, looking relaxed and a bit flushed from the wine. “Mum, the duck was banging! Yulia, you outdid yourself, honestly. Didn’t know you could do that.” Yulia turned to her husband. “It wasn’t me, Kirill.” “What do you mean?” He blinked in confusion. “Literally. Your mum threw out my food and made her own. Everything you ate tonight—from salad to main—was her doing.” Kirill froze, glancing from wife to mother. Rimma Markovna, ever timely, started wiping an already sparkling countertop. “Come on, Yulia…” Kirill tried to hug her shoulders, but she shrugged him off. “Mum just wanted to help. She saw something wrong… she’s a pro, you know how obsessed she is with quality. But it tasted amazing! Your parents loved it. Who cares who was at the stove, if the evening was a success?” “Who cares?” Yulia felt tears well up. “It matters, Kirill, because I’m a nobody in this house. Furniture. A prop. I planned that menu for three days! I wanted to feed my own mum and dad myself! Your mother once again made me look like an idiot who can’t even make sauce.” “No one made you look that way,” Rimma Markovna said, folding the towel. “We didn’t tell them. They think you did it. I saved your face, dear. You might thank me instead of this dramatic performance.” “Thank you?” Yulia let out a bitter laugh. “Thank you for taking away my right to fail—even in my own home…” “In my home,” Rimma Markovna corrected quietly but weightily. “This is my house, Yulia. And in my kitchen, there’s no place for inedibles.” Silence fell in the kitchen. Only the distant murmur of the TV and her dad’s laughter from the lounge broke it. They’re fine out there. They think their daughter’s wonderful. But she felt as if she’d been publicly slapped, and then the wound doused with salt. Yulia silently left the kitchen, passing the guests. “Mum, Dad, sorry, I don’t feel well. Head’s pounding. Kirill will see you out, okay?” “Yulia, darling, what’s wrong?” Her mother fussed, standing up. “The duck was divine, maybe you’re exhausted after cooking so much?” “Yes,” Yulia replied, gazing past her mother’s shoulder. “Very exhausted. I won’t do it again.” She shut herself in the bedroom and sat on the edge of the bed. One thought pounded at her head: “This can’t go on.” It had been six months since they’d moved in “temporarily” with Rimma Markovna to save for a house deposit. Whenever she shopped, her mother-in-law said with distaste: “Where did you find this tomato? It’s plastic. Good only for film props, not for salads.” If she tried to fry potatoes, Rimma would sigh heavily behind her as though Yulia were committing a crime. Eventually, Yulia just stopped entering the kitchen if Rimma was there. But tonight was supposed to be her triumph, not her capitulation. The door creaked; Kirill came in. “Everyone’s gone. I think it went great, except for your meltdown. Sure, Mum went overboard, but I’ll talk to her—” “Don’t bother,” Yulia interrupted, starting to pack a travel bag. “What are you doing?” Kirill froze at the door. “Packing. I’m going to my parents’ place. Right now.” “Come on, not over a duck? It’s just food!” “It’s not food, Kirill!” Yulia turned, clutching a favourite jumper. “It’s respect. Your mum… she thinks I’m a nuisance in her perfect world. And you let her: ‘Mum meant well,’ ‘she’s a pro’… But who am I? Your wife—or just an intern in her kitchen?” “She didn’t mean to upset you; it’s just how she is. Years in a restaurant, she’s perfectionist to her core.” “Then she can have her perfection—alone, or with you. I just want a home where I have the right to burnt toast and salty soup, and nobody throws my efforts away while I’m showering.” “Where will you go?” Kirill tried to grab her hands. “It’s late, can’t we talk tomorrow?” “No. If I stay, tomorrow it’ll be my coffee done wrong. I’m done, Kirill. Either we look for a flat tomorrow—anywhere—or… or I don’t know.” “You know we can’t afford it,” he said, voice tight. “Six more months and we’ll have a real deposit. Why throw it away on rent now? Just put up with it.” Yulia looked at him as if seeing him for the first time. In his eyes, there was no understanding of her pain—just calculation, and a desire for the conflict to vanish. “Six months? After six more months, there’ll be nothing left of me. I’m turning into a ghost here.” She quickly packed her essentials, zipped the case with difficulty, and headed for the hall. Rimma Markovna stood in the corridor, arms folded. Her face wore a look of cold readiness. “A dramatic exit? The third act of ‘Unrecognised Kitchen Talent’?” “No, Rimma Markovna,” Yulia replied, pulling on her shoes. “This is the finale. You win. The kitchen is all yours. You can throw out my spices too, they’re clearly not up to standard.” “Yulia, stop!” Kirill hurried after her. “Mum, say something!” “What is there to say?” Rimma Markovna shrugged. “If a girl is willing to break up over a saucepan, that’s the kind of family you had. At her age, I could admit my mistakes and learn from elders. But everyone’s proud nowadays… all individuals…” Yulia didn’t listen. She picked up her bag and left. The cold night air after the kitchen heat felt like a blessing. Behind her, she heard muffled voices—Kirill arguing with his mother, her answering in her “teacherly” tone. *** For a week, Yulia stayed with her parents. They, of course, realised, but tried not to pry. Her mother just sighed and piled her plate with homely pancakes—not “confit,” not “demi-glace,” just plain, tasty food. Kirill called every day. At first angry, then pleading, finally promising to talk to his mum “seriously.” On the fifth day, he arrived. “Yulia, come home.” He looked haggard—dark circles under his eyes, rumpled shirt. “Mum… she’s ill.” Yulia froze mid-sip. “What happened? Her blood pressure again?” “No,” Kirill sat at the table, hiding his face. “Some nasty virus. Her fever was almost forty for days. Now she just sleeps… but Yulia, she’s lost her sense of taste, completely. She says everything’s like chewing paper. No smell either. For her… you know what it means. Yesterday, she smashed her favourite spice jar—couldn’t smell a thing. Sat on the floor and cried. I’ve never ever seen her cry, Yulia.” Bitterness in Yulia’s chest melted a little. She remembered how every morning Rimma Markovna’s ritual started—grinding coffee, inhaling deeply, as if it was oxygen, then she could begin the day. For someone whose life was built on flavour, scent, nuance, losing that… it’s like a painter going blind. “Did she call a doctor?” Yulia asked quietly. “She did. Neurology or something. Could come back in a week, a year… or never. She’s in her room, won’t come out. Says if she can’t taste, then she no longer exists.” Yulia looked at the window, snow swirling in the lamplight. She pictured Rimma Markovna—culinary battle-axe—now sitting in her perfect kitchen, unable to smell or taste a thing. It was truly frightening. “Yulia, I’m not asking you to come back for me,” Kirill said. “But help her. She can’t cook. Yesterday she tried to make soup—so salty I couldn’t eat it, and she didn’t even notice until I tried it. She’s terrified.” “What can I do?” Yulia replied with a bitter smile. “I’m hopeless—she never let me near the stove.” “You’re her only hope. She wouldn’t tell you, her pride won’t let her. But I saw her looking at your empty fridge shelf.” The next day, Yulia went back—not because she’d forgiven, but because she felt a strange, almost kindred sense of duty. Rimma Markovna was part of her world, thorny as she was. The flat smelled different. No scent of baking or stewing veg—just dust and… sadness. Yulia found her mother-in-law at the kitchen table, looking ten years older, coffee untouched in front of her. “Hello, Rimma Markovna,” Yulia said softly. Her mother-in-law jumped, looking up. “Come to gloat? Go on, fry your shoe-leather, I wouldn’t be able to tell fillet steak from soggy toast now.” Yulia put her bag down, walked over, and saw how those hands—once so deft—trembled. “I’m not here for that. I’m here to cook.” “Why?” Rimma Markovna turned away. “I can’t feel anything. The world’s gone grey. Like someone switched off the colour and sound. I chew bread, it’s just cotton wool. I drink coffee, it’s just hot water. Why waste food?” Yulia exhaled, took off her coat. “Because I’ll be your taste buds. And your nose. You tell me what to do, I’ll do the tasting.” Rimma Markovna let out a bitter laugh. “You? You can’t tell thyme from lemon balm.” “Then teach me. You’re the professional. Or have you given up?” Her mother-in-law was silent a long while, then looked at Yulia. For a second, that old spark flickered—prideful, but alive. “You still can’t hold a knife. You’ll cut yourself the first minute.” “Then you’ll put the plasters on. We’ve got beef, right? Shall we do beef bourguignon?” Rimma Markovna slowly stood, walked to the stove, and touched the cold hob. “You need the perfect sear. Brown, not burnt. You’ll boil it.” “Watch me then,” Yulia took out the meat. “Sit here. And direct it. But no insults, okay? I’m an apprentice, not your punch bag.” The lesson began: chopping, searing, simmering. Rimma Markovna’s nose twitched by habit, but her face fell—no scent. “Wine now,” she ordered. “A little in the pan, reduce the alcohol.” Yulia poured. The kitchen filled with a rich, tangy aroma. “How does it smell?” Rimma asked quietly. Yulia froze, sniffed. “Like… the end of summer. Rain in the woods. Tart, but sweet underneath.” Her mother-in-law closed her eyes. “Tannins,” she whispered. “Good. Add a pinch of sugar for balance.” “And now?” Yulia tasted the sauce. “It’s good. But something’s missing. A bit more bite…” “Mustard. Just a dab of Dijon.” Yulia added, then took another taste—eyes widening. “Wow… That’s it! How do you know? You didn’t even try it!” For the first time in ages, her mother-in-law smiled, just a hint. “Memory, my dear. Taste isn’t only in the mouth. I’ve got hundreds of volumes in my head.” All evening, they cooked. When Kirill came home, a steaming pot greeted him. “Wow! Smells amazing! Mum, are you better?” Rimma Markovna, tired but peaceful, sat in her chair. “No, Kirill. Yulia cooked. I just nagged her.” Kirill stared at his wife. Yulia winked at him. “Come eat—don’t even try to say it’s salty. We counted every grain.” Partway through, Rimma Markovna spoke, not looking up. “Yulia… Do you know why I threw away your duck?” Yulia paused. “Why?” “It was fine. Not a masterpiece, but decent.” “Then why?” Her mother-in-law looked up, and in her eyes Yulia saw something she never expected—fear. Ordinary, human fear. “Because if you’d done it perfectly, I’d be useless. Gone. My son—he has his own family now. And me, I’m a chef. If I’m not cooking, I’m nothing. I’m just a lonely old woman taking up space. I had to prove you needed me. That this was still my kingdom.” Yulia put her plate down. She’d never thought of Rimma Markovna like that—a fortress, a tyrant… But really—just a frightened woman, clinging to her kitchen as a lifeline. “You’ll never be not needed, Rimma Markovna,” Yulia said gently. “Who else will teach me to hold a knife? I know nothing about cooking.” Her mother-in-law sniffed, straightened up. “Quite right. Your hand’s still like a claw. Tomorrow we’re learning custard. God forbid you use thickener again—I’ll throw you out.” Yulia laughed. “Deal. But if I get it right, you owe me your honey cake recipe.” “We’ll see,” Rimma Markovna grumbled, but covered Yulia’s hand with her own, just for a second. My House, My Kitchen: When Your Mother-in-Law’s Need for Control Turns Your Home into a Battleground—and What Happens When Life Takes Away Her Only Power

The Timer on the Coffee Table — “You’ve put the salt in the wrong place again,” she said, not lifting her gaze from the saucepan. He froze mid-motion, the salt jar in hand as he eyed the shelf. The salt was right where it had always been, next to the sugar bowl. — “Where’s it supposed to go?” he asked cautiously. — “Not ‘where it’s supposed to’. Where I actually look for it. I’ve told you before.” — “It’d be easier if you just said the spot, rather than me guessing,” he replied, irritation bubbling up in his chest. She switched the hob off with a forceful click, set the lid down, and turned towards him. — “I’m tired of always saying things. Sometimes I just want things to be where I expect.” — “So, I’m getting it wrong again?” he concluded, shifting the salt a touch to the right on the shelf. She opened her mouth to snap back, but instead slammed the cupboard door and left the kitchen. He stood there holding the spoon, listening to her footsteps down the hallway. Then he sighed, tasted the soup, and automatically salted it again. They ate in silence an hour later. The news mumbled from the living room TV, the screen glinting off the glass of the sideboard. She ate slowly, hardly looking at him. He fiddled with his fork, tracing out every step of their familiar routine: some small thing, a complaint, his comment, her silence. — “Are we just going to always live like this?” she asked suddenly. He looked up. — “What do you mean?” — “I mean, you do something, I get frustrated, you get defensive. On and on.” — “Well, what else? It’s tradition,” he tried to joke. She didn’t smile. — “I read about something,” she said. “Talking sessions. Once a week. With a timer.” He blinked. — “A what?” — “A timer. Ten minutes for me, ten for you. No ‘you always’, no ‘you never’. Just ‘I feel’, ‘I need’, ‘I want’. The other just… listens. No arguing, no defending.” — “From the internet?” he checked. — “A book. Doesn’t matter. I want to try.” He reached for his water, taking a slow sip. — “What if I don’t want to?” he said, careful not to sound too sharp. — “Then we’ll keep fighting about salt,” she answered, completely calm. “And I really don’t want that.” He looked at her face. The lines round her mouth had deepened over the years, and he’d not noticed when. She seemed tired—not just tired of today, but as if from a whole life. — “Alright,” he said quietly. “But I warn you—I don’t know much about these… methods…” — “You don’t have to be talented,” she smiled tiredly. “Just honest.” On Thursday evening, he sat on the sofa, phone in hand, pretending to read the news. There was a heavy feeling in his stomach, the sort that comes before a dentist trip. On the coffee table sat the kitchen timer—a white, round plastic thing, numbers round the edge. She usually set it when she baked pies. Tonight, it lay between them, out of place. She brought two cups of tea, set them down, and sat opposite. She was wearing an old jumper stretched at the elbows, her hair tied messily up. — “So,” she said, “shall we?” — “Is there an agenda?” he tried a joke. — “Yes,” she replied. “I go first. Ten minutes, then you. If anything’s left, we save it for next time.” He nodded, put his phone aside. She picked up the timer, twisted it to ‘10’, and pressed the button. The soft ticking filled the space. — “I feel…” she began, then paused. He found himself bracing for the usual “you never” or “you always,” his body tensing in anticipation. But she, with her hands clenched, continued: — “I feel like I’m just… background. The house, the meals, your shirts, our days—they just happen. And if I stopped, everything would crumble, but no one would even notice. Not until it was much too late.” He ached to say he noticed. That he just didn’t say it. That maybe, she never let him do things. But he remembered the rule and kept quiet. — “It matters to me,” she glanced at him, “that what I do is… visible. Not praise, not daily thanks. Just sometimes, that you see what it costs. That it’s not automatic.” He swallowed. The timer ticked on. He wanted to protest—he was tired, too, work was no easier. But there was no “add a comment midway” rule. — “I want…” She sighed. “I don’t want to be the default responsible for everything. Your health, our holidays, the kids’ lives. Sometimes I want to be allowed to be weak. Not always the strong one.” He looked at her hands. The ring on her finger—the one he’d chosen for their tenth anniversary—was now a little too tight. He remembered how nervous he was picking the size. The timer beeped. She jerked slightly, gave a nervous half-laugh. — “That’s it. My ten minutes.” — “Right…” he cleared his throat. “My turn, then.” She nodded and reset the timer, nudging it over. He felt like a schoolboy at the board. — “I feel…” he started, hearing how awkward he sounded. “I feel like, at home, I always want to hide. Because, if I get something wrong, you’ll see it immediately. If I get it right, it’s just what’s expected, nothing more.” She nodded slightly, silent. — “It matters to me,” he went on, listening to himself, “that when I get home from work and put my feet up, it isn’t a crime. I’ve not been sitting around all day—I’m tired, too.” He caught her gaze: tired, but attentive. — “I want…” he hesitated, “I want when you get angry not to say I ‘don’t understand anything.’ I do. Maybe not everything, but definitely not nothing. When you say that, I just want to shut down. No answer will be right.” The timer beeped. He flinched, as if he’d been pulled from deep water. They sat in silence. The TV was off. Something hummed quietly in the next room: the fridge, maybe, or the radiators. — “Feels strange,” she said at last. “Like rehearsal.” — “Like we’re not married, just… patients.” He searched for the word. She grinned wryly. — “Well, patients it is. Let’s give it a month. Once a week.” He shrugged. — “A month’s not a life sentence.” She nodded, gathering up the timer and heading to the kitchen. He watched her go, oddly aware that they now owned a new bit of furniture. On Saturday, they went shopping. She pushed the trolley ahead, he followed with the list: milk, chicken, pasta. — “Grab some tomatoes,” she called, not looking back. He picked a few, bagged them, and caught himself wanting to say, “I feel these tomatoes are heavy,” and snorted. — “What’s funny?” she turned to him. — “Practising,” he replied. “The new wording.” She rolled her eyes, but her mouth twitched at the corners. — “No need in public,” she retorted. “Although… maybe sometimes there is.” They passed by the biscuit aisle. He reached for her favourite, then remembered what she said about sugar and blood pressure. His hand hovered. — “Go on,” she said, seeing his hesitation. “I’m not a child. If I don’t eat them, I’ll take them to work.” He put the pack in the trolley. — “I…” he started, then stopped. — “What?” she prompted. — “I know you do a lot,” he said, looking at the price tag. “In case you need it for Thursday.” She looked at him, properly, and nodded. — “I’ll note it down,” she said. The second talk went worse. He was fifteen minutes late—work, traffic, then a call from their son. She was already waiting, timer on the table, grid-paper notebook beside her. — “Ready?” she asked, skipping greetings. — “Just a minute,” he took off his jacket, hung it over a chair, grabbed water in the kitchen, and returned, feeling her eyes on his back. — “You don’t have to do this,” she said. “If you’re bored, say so.” — “Not bored,” he grumbled, though every part of him wanted to refuse. “Just been a rough day.” — “Me too,” she replied tightly. “But I showed up on time.” He gripped his glass. — “Alright,” he said. “Let’s go.” She turned the timer to ‘10’. — “I feel,” she began, “like we live as housemates. We talk about bills, groceries, health, but never about what we want. I can’t remember the last time we planned a holiday for just us—not going where we’re invited, but actually planned.” He thought of her sister’s cottage, last year’s NHS getaway. — “It matters to me,” she went on, “that we make plans together. Not just ‘maybe we’ll go to the seaside someday,’ but something real: here, then, for this long. And not just me pushing—it should be ours.” He nodded, though her eyes didn’t meet his. — “I want…” she faltered, “I want us to talk about sex not only when it’s missing. It’s embarrassing to say, but I miss not only that—I miss touches, hugs, not on a schedule.” He felt his ears flush. He wanted to make a joke about their ages, but the words wouldn’t come. — “When you turn to the wall at night,” she said, “I feel like you’re no longer interested. Not just in me—as me—but in general.” The timer ticked. He avoided looking at it, unwilling to see how long he had left. — “That’s it,” she said when the beep went off. “Your turn.” He reached for the timer, but his hand shook. She set it for him and pushed it closer. — “I feel,” he said, “that whenever we talk about money, it’s like I’m… an ATM. If I say no to something, it’s seen as stingy, not fear.” She pressed her lips together but said nothing. — “It matters to me that you know,” he continued, “I’m afraid of losing our security. I remember counting every penny back in the nineties. When you say, ‘it’ll be fine, don’t worry,’ everything tightens inside me.” He took a breath. — “I want that when you plan a big purchase, we talk first. Not ‘I’m already signed up, I’ve already ordered, it’s done.’ I don’t mind the spending; I mind surprises.” The timer beeped. He felt relief. — “Can I say something?” she burst out. “It’s not in the rules, but I can’t hold it in.” He stilled. — “Go on,” he said. — “When you say you’re an ATM,” her voice shook, “it feels like you think all I do is spend. But I’m scared, too. Scared of falling ill, scared you’ll leave, scared of being alone. Sometimes I buy things just to feel like there’s… a future. Like we’re still making plans.” He almost fired back, but stopped in time. They looked at each other, the table between them like a border. — “That wasn’t by the timer,” he murmured. — “I know,” she replied. “I’m not a robot.” He grinned, but without humour. — “Maybe this method isn’t for real, living people,” he muttered. — “It’s for those who want another go,” she said. He slumped back, exhausted. — “Let’s stop for tonight,” he suggested. She glanced at the timer, then at him. — “Alright,” she agreed. “But let’s not call it a failure. Just… a note in the margin.” He nodded. She picked up the timer, but instead of putting it away, left it at the edge of the table—as if to signal they could come back. That night, he couldn’t sleep. She lay at his side, facing away. He reached out, wanting to place a hand on her shoulder, but stopped short. Her word— “like housemates”—circled in his mind. He withdrew his hand, lay on his back, staring into the dark. The third talk happened a week later, but started sooner, on the bus. They were headed to the surgery: he for an ECG, she for tests. The bus was crowded; they stood, gripping the support rail. She was silent, gazing out the window, and he studied her profile. — “Are you angry?” he asked. — “No,” she said. “Thinking.” — “About what?” — “About getting older,” she replied, still looking out. “And that if we don’t learn to talk now, one day we just won’t have the energy.” He wanted to insist he was still fine, but the words stuck. He remembered how yesterday he’d struggled up five flights of stairs. — “I’m afraid,” he blurted, surprising himself. “That they’ll admit me to hospital, and you’ll visit with bags of things and just silently resent me.” She turned to him. — “I wouldn’t be angry,” she said. “I’d be scared.” He nodded. That evening, when they sat on the sofa, the timer was waiting on the coffee table. She placed two mugs nearby, sat across from him. — “Let’s start with you tonight,” she suggested. “I had my say on the bus.” He sighed, turned the timer to ‘10’. — “I feel,” he began, “that when you talk about being tired, I instantly think I’m being blamed. Even when you’re not. I start defending myself before you’re halfway through.” She nodded. — “It matters to me,” he continued, “to learn to hear you, not just defend myself. But I don’t know how. Growing up, I learned if you’re to blame, you get punished. So, when you tell me things are bad, I hear: ‘you’re bad’.” It was the first time he’d ever said it aloud, and he was surprised. — “I want us to agree: when you talk about your feelings, it doesn’t automatically mean I’m guilty. And if I’ve done wrong, please be specific: ‘yesterday’, ‘just now’—not always.” The timer ticked. She listened, quietly. — “That’s it,” he exhaled, as the timer beeped. “Your turn.” She reset it. — “I feel,” she started slowly, “I’ve lived in ‘hold it together’ mode for years. For the kids, for you, parents. And when you go silent, it feels like I’m the only one pulling everything along.” He remembered last year, at her mum’s funeral. He had mostly just kept silent, back then. — “It matters to me,” she went on, “for you to start a conversation sometimes. Not waiting until I explode; coming up to me—‘How are you?’ ‘Shall we talk?’ Because every time I have to start, I feel… pushy.” He nodded. — “I want us to agree on two things. First: we don’t talk serious stuff if one of us is tired or angry—not while rushing, not in the corridor by the lift. We can reschedule.” He listened, watching her face. — “Second,” she said, “we don’t raise our voices in front of the kids. I know I slip, but I don’t want them to see us shouting.” The timer beeped, but she finished anyway. — “That’s my lot,” she added quickly. He smiled faintly. — “That’s not in the rules,” he noted. — “It’s real life,” she replied. He tapped the timer to turn it off. — “I agree,” he said. “Both points.” She slouched — ever so slightly. — “And I want a rule of my own,” he added after a moment. “Just one.” — “What?” she grew wary. — “If we don’t finish in the ten minutes, we don’t carry on the fight into the night. We move it to next Thursday—no running battles.” She thought about it. — “Alright. But if it’s urgent?” — “If it’s urgent, we put out the fire—just not with petrol.” She snorted. — “Deal,” she said. Between their talks, life ticked on. He made his coffee each morning, she scrambled eggs. He had started washing up sometimes, without being asked. She noticed, but didn’t always say so. In the evenings, they watched telly, argued about which TV character was in the right. Sometimes she almost said, “We’re like that,” but remembered their rule—and saved it for Thursday. Once, she was stirring a pan of soup, and he came up behind, slipped an arm around her waist—no reason. — “What is it?” she asked, not turning. — “Nothing,” he replied. “Just practising.” — “Practising what?” she frowned. — “Touching,” he said. “Not just on a timetable.” She smirked, but didn’t move away. — “I’ll make a note of that,” she said. A month later, they sat together again, timer between them. — “Shall we carry on?” he asked. — “What do you think?” she replied. He eyed the white plastic timer, her hands, his knees. — “I think so,” he said. “We’re not done yet.” — “We never will be,” she shrugged. “It’s not a test. It’s… like brushing your teeth.” He laughed. — “How romantic.” — “But straightforward,” she returned. She set the timer for ‘10’ and placed it down. — “Let’s not stick too rigidly to the rules tonight,” she suggested. “If we wander off topic, we can steer back.” — “No need to be fanatical,” he agreed. She exhaled. — “I feel,” she said, “it’s gotten a bit easier. Not perfect, but… like I’m no longer invisible. You talk more, ask more. I notice.” He flushed. — “It matters to me,” she continued, “not to drop this when things feel ‘easier’. Not to slip back to silence until we explode.” He nodded. — “I want,” she finished, “that a year from now we can say—we’re a bit more honest. Not perfect, not argument-free—just… honest.” The timer ticked. He listened, and for once had no urge to cut in with a joke. — “Done,” she said when the beep came. “Now you.” He picked up the timer, set it. — “I feel,” he admitted, “more anxious now. It was easier to just hide behind not talking—now I have to speak up. I worry I’ll say something wrong, or hurt you.” She listened, head cocked. — “It matters to me that you remember: I’m not the enemy. When I talk about my fears, it’s not against you. It’s just… about me.” He paused. — “I want us to stick with this rule—once a week, honestly and without blame. Even if we slip up sometimes. Let it be… our contract.” The timer beeped. He turned it off before the next signal. They sat quietly. In the kitchen something clicked—the kettle finished boiling. Someone was laughing through the wall; a door slammed elsewhere in the building. — “You know,” she said, “I used to think we needed one big revelation—like in a film—for things to change. Turns out…” — “Turns out we’re just doing it, bit by bit, every week,” he finished. — “Yeah,” she nodded. “Bit by bit.” He looked at her face. The wrinkles were still there, the tiredness too. But now, there was something else—attention, perhaps. — “Let’s have tea,” he suggested. — “Let’s,” she agreed. She gathered up the timer, carried it to the kitchen. Set it by the sugar bowl, not tucked away. He filled the kettle, set it on the hob. — “My GP appointment is after work next Thursday,” she said, leaning on the table. “I might be late.” — “We’ll push the talk to Friday, then,” he replied. “No important chats when you’re tired.” She glanced up and smiled. — “Deal,” she said. He opened a cupboard, took out two mugs, set them on the table. The kettle was starting to rumble. — “Where’s the salt go?” he called, remembering the first row. She turned round and saw the jar in his hand. — “Where I look for it,” she replied reflexively, then paused. “Second shelf, on the left.” He put it where she’d said. — “Understood,” he said. She stepped over, touching his shoulder. — “Thanks for asking,” she murmured. He nodded. The kettle roared. The timer sat quietly on the table, waiting for the next Thursday.