Honestly, itd be easier just to kick you out, get a divorce, and finally tidy the house! Then I could start over and marry you again! Julie snapped, arms flailing.
Hold on, love! No need for drastic measures, Charlie chuckled, not moving a muscle. Im just sitting here doing nothing!
Thats exactly the pointnothing! At least when you dont help you dont get in the way, Julie shot back.
What am I getting in the way of? Charlie asked, bewildered. Im curled up like a mouse in front of the computer, not sending out any SOS signals!
A cup! Julie pointed at the table beside the keyboard.
Thats my tea, Charlie said, nodding.
And the other one, behind the monitor? Ive been gathering all your mugs since sunrise! Her voice dripped with irritation.
Thats my unfinished coffee, Charlie grinned. Dont worry, Ill finish it. I treat cold coffee the same as hotactually, I prefer it a bit chilled. And Ill carry the mugs to the kitchen myself, proper gentleman style!
Really? Julie raised an eyebrow.
Reallyreally! Charlie replied, smiling. Ill even wash them!
Id love to believe you, but experience tells me youre fibbing, Julie said confidently. Finish your coffee and hand me that cup right now!
I Im drinking tea, Charlie stammered, flustered. I didnt want to mix them
Julie let out a heavy sigh, then decided to check the coffee level herself. If there were three drops left, she could at least make a sacrifice.
Charlie, are you joking? she exclaimed. That cup isnt just emptyits bonedry! What were you planning to sip?
Seriously? Charlie blinked. The flat feels so dry! There was coffee there yesterday. We need a humidifier, maybe something like a £30 one!
Charlie, what should we buy so youll actually clean up after yourself? Julie leaned against the back of the chair hed been lounging in. What are you going to do about it? she shouted, almost into his ear. And whats that?
Its a water cup! Charlie answered. You wont let me bring a bottle in here, so I have to make do with halfmeasures!
Because sodas for everyone, not just you! And if you put a bottle next to you, youll just finish it. Too much fizzy stuff isnt good for you! Julie retorted.
So its a cup! Charlie insisted.
Julie realized shed have to gather the scattered mugs again. The cleaning wasnt over, and there was still work to do. As she left the room, she noticed her husband striking a rather odd pose.
She didnt waste a second. Grabbing the chairs arm, she pulled itand the man sitting on itforward.
Smells like divorce! she declared ominously.
Its just a biscuit, Charlie replied, looking as innocent as a newborn lamb.
Not even on a plate, just on your lap! Crumbs are already on the floor and Ive just vacuumed! Her voice rose with each sentence, her irritation bubbling over.
Ill clean it up! Charlie called out.
He tried to brush the biscuit off his leg, but it slipped betrayingly onto the floor and shattered into a dozen pieces.
Charlie shut his eyes tight, expecting a broom, a rag, a mop, or even the vacuum to appear. Nothing came. He dared to open one eye.
Julie sat on the sofa, hands clasped around her head.
Im exhausted of all this, she said, her voice trembling. Four people live in this flat, two of them kids! But the biggest pile of rubbish is left by youan adult, capable, sensible man!
You should be a role model! Im constantly tripping over your stuff while cleaning! Endless cups everywhere, plates, saucers, candy wrappers that magically end up between the couch cushions! Crumbs on the table! Have we ever had a proper cockroach infestation?
Ill buy chalk Megan, Charlie murmured apologetically, but Julie didnt hear a word.
You cant even toss rubbish into the bin! Is it really that hard to glance and see if its in? If it isnt, just put it in! Your back wont break if you bend down a bit and pick it up!
Julie lowered her arms, looked straight into Charlies eyes.
And that chocolate bar you hid under the pillow? No, Ill never forgive you for that! It was my favourite!
Charlie flushed crimson, genuinely ashamed. He also felt a sour sting that his wife was so upset because of him.
Julie! he stammered. Juliedear!
Her hurt turned into steely resolve.
In a week Im off on a threeweek holiday with the kids, staying with my mum. If you come back to a pigsty, Ill divorce you on the spot! I cant keep putting up with this. I finish one tidy room and instantly have to start another!
Charlie stared at her in horror.
Right now, at least put your cups away and sweep up the biscuit crumbs, please!
Charlie obeyed immediately, though he doubted shed really leave for three weeks. He thought she was just bluffing.
She left, tickets in hand, already booked. For the next three weeks Charlie would have to endure solitary, proud solitude. The thought was terrifying.
Before she went, Julie made sure the flat was spotless and warned:
If it isnt, you can file for divorce yourself! My patience has finally snapped!
***
Men have a peculiar relationship with cleanliness.
Some are neat freaks, demanding order and actually knowing how to achieve it. But most treat tidiness as a lowpriority hobby. And cleanliness is a flexible concept.
For instance, a stray piece of paper that doesnt bother the eye can sit until the next scheduled tidyup, or be slipped under the sofa with a wellaimed foot.
Dust on the TV or monitor is only wiped away when it dulls the picture or a sunbeam highlights it, turning it into an accidental love note.
A bit of sand on the floor isnt a problem if youre in slippers, unless you slip on it at a turn.
And we wont even start on the dishesplates, cups, forks, knives, pots, panswaiting their turn by the sink.
The point isnt to chase a single task like a hamster on a wheel. Better to gather everything and then treat the washing up like a Herculean feat, not a mundane chore!
Debates over misplaced items could last a lifetime. Maybe the trousers moved to the chair because they finally wanted a change of scenery? And theyll miss the wardrobe if left behind.
Charlie was typical of the majority, with his own quirky view of cleanlinesshis wifes view was that he was practically a pig!
In reality, Charlie could clean, cook, fix things, and often did so on a whim, as if he were playing a game of who can be most helpful. Yet, things didnt always line up.
Hed feel a sudden urge to clean the stove, only for Julie to have already set a pot on it. No room to help, no desire to get in the way. Noble intentions smothered by copper cookware.
Meanwhile, his bursts of motivation were rarer than Julie would like.
And when Julie demanded action despite his lack of enthusiasm, he still had to oblige. When his mood suddenly sprang up from nowhere, there was nothing left to do!
In every other respect, Charlie was a splendid family man. He worked well, earned a decent £, brought home every penny. He loved his wife, adored the kids, and chipped in with sidejobs.
His only bad habit was a penchant for video games, but Julie could easily distract him when needed.
When Julie made impulsive purchasessomething unnecessaryCharlie shrugged, Thats what women do! and let it pass.
When she returned from work in a foul mood, Charlie took the hit, listening and empathising, even scolding her colleagues (in his mind) despite never seeing them.
Overall the family was happy, except for one glaring issue: Charlies attitude to tidiness. Hed leave everything for Julie to pick up.
Julie also had to juggle two daughters who, when left with dad, turned everything into a playground, leaving the mother to clean up the aftermath.
Pushed to the brink, Julie decided shed either retrain her husband to respect order or protect her own nerves by stopping the endless cycle of clean up after you.
***
A week before returning, Julie called Charlie.
Hows it going over there?
Fine, he replied.
Youve got a week! Just a headsup, in case anything
Everythings fine by me!
She called again three days before, then two days, then one, just to remind him that if he hadnt sorted the flat by then, there was still time.
Honestly, Julie had missed Charlie terribly. Theyd never been apart more than a week since their wedding, and now she faced a full three weeks.
She warned him so thered be no excuse for a divorce, even though she was already ready to forgive a pigsty.
A little drama, perhaps a sanction, but no divorce.
When Julie finally left the children at the playground, bragging to friends about her trip to her mums, she returned to the flat
Constantine, youve surprised me! she exclaimed brightly.
And you, Julie, havent! Charlie retorted sternly. Its like that joke you always tell!
What joke? Julie asked, bewildered.
Ive survived three weeks alone! I used one saucepan and one frying pan, washing them before each use. One plate, one fork, one spoonwashed before each meal. Two cups total: one for tea, one for coffee. I drank water, fizzy drinks, and juice from bottles that I conveniently threw away on the way to work! Thats the habit youve drilled into me over the years!
And before you got back, I just walked around with the vacuum! All tidy, all perfect!
Whats the point of all that? Julie asked cautiously.
Its not me making the mess! Charlie declared. Just so you know, the house loves sweets you and the kids!
And that chocolate bar you still blame me for? You hid it when you were on a diet, and I kept quiet out of diplomacy!
But you still leave Julie began, grasping at a straw.
If youd stop meddling in my cleaning and just let me handle my own mess, we wouldnt have any problems at all!
The next day the flat was a mess again, as usual. Julie started cleaning with the full understanding that Charlie wasnt the sole pig in the house.
Kids, maybe, she mused. But theyre kids! Well have to get them involved in cleaning tooafter all, theyre the first to make the mess, and the last to tidy up!
