Emily was fed up with having to clean up after her husband.
Honestly, I could just kick you out, get a divorce, and finally have a tidy house! Then maybe Id even marry you again, she snapped, eyes flashing.
Whoa, love, lets not jump to extreme measures, Jack chuckled, leaning back in his chair. Im just sitting here doing nothing!
Exactly, you do nothing! And at least you dont get in the way when Im actually trying to clean, Emily shot back.
What am I doing to get in the way? Jack asked, genuinely puzzled. Im curled up like a mouse at my laptop, not even sending any signals!
Emily pointed to the cup on the desk next to the keyboard. That one!
Its my tea, Jack said, taking a sip.
And the other one behind the monitor? she asked, irritation creeping into her voice. Ive been gathering all your cups since this morning!
Its my unfinished coffee, Jack smiled. Dont worry, Ill finish it. I treat cold coffee the same as hot actually better. Ill even carry the mugs to the kitchen myself, proper gentleman.
Really? Emily raised an eyebrow.
Its the truth, love, Jack nodded. And Ill wash them too!
Emily sighed, I want to believe you, but experience tells me youre lying. Finish that coffee and hand the mug over right now!
Im having tea, not coffee, Jack stammered, obviously flustered.
Emily let out a heavy breath, but then decided to check the mug herself. If there were just a few drops left, she could at least make use of them.
Jack, are you kidding me? she exclaimed. That cup isnt just empty the coffees dried up! What were you planning to finish?
Seriously? Jack blinked. What a dry house! There was coffee there yesterday. Maybe we need a humidifier.
Jack, what on earth do we have to buy so youll actually clean up after yourself? Emily leaned against the back of his chair. What are you going to do, huh? she whispered almost into his ear. And whats this?
Its a water cup, Jack replied. You wont even let me bring a bottle in here; Ive got to make do with halfmeasures!
Because everyone gets soda, not just you! Emily retorted. And if you put a bottle next to you, youll finish it anyway. Too much fizzy stuff isnt good for anyone.
Thats why the cup! Jack said.
Emily realised shed have to gather the cups around the computer again. The cleaning wasnt done yet, and she still had work to do. As she left the room, she noticed Jack sitting in a bizarre pose.
She didnt waste a second, went back, grabbed the chairs arm, and pulled it forward with Jack still strapped to it.
Smells like divorce in here! she warned, voice low.
Its just a biscuit, Jack said, looking as innocent as possible.
Not even on a plate, just on your knee! And crumbs are already on the floor! I just vacuumed! she raised her voice with each sentence, getting more worked up.
Ill clean up! Jack promised.
He tried to flick the biscuit off his leg, but it slid betrayingly onto the floor and shattered into pieces.
Jack closed his eyes, expecting a broom, a rag, a mop, maybe a vacuum to swoop in, but nothing happened. He dared to open one eye.
Emily was on the couch, head in her hands.
Im so exhausted, she said, voice trembling. Four people live in this flat, two of them are kids! But the biggest mess comes from you, the grownup, capable, notstupid man!
Youre supposed to set an example! Im constantly tripping over your stuff, cleaning after you endlessly endless cups everywhere, plates, saucers, candy wrappers that magically end up between the sofa cushions, crumbs on the table! Are we even dealing with cockroaches yet?
Ill buy a chalk Mum sticker, Jack replied apologetically, but Emily didnt hear a word.
Even when you take out the rubbish you cant get it into the bin! Is it really that hard to look and see if its in? If not, just toss it in! Your back wont break if you bend down and pick it up!
Emily lowered her arms, looked Jack straight in the eye:
And that chocolate bar you hid under the pillow? No, Ill never forgive you for that. It was my favourite!
Jack flushed. He felt genuinely ashamed, and a bitter sting rose in his chest that his wife was so upset because of him.
Emily! he called, his voice cracking. Emily, love!
Her hurt turned into determination.
Next week Im taking a threeweek holiday with the kids, staying with my mum. If, when we get back, the flat looks like a pigsty, Im walking out on you.
I cant put up with this any longer. Because of you I finish one round of cleaning and immediately have to start another!
Jack stared at her, terrified.
Just clean up those cups now, and sweep up the biscuit crumbs, please.
Jack did exactly what she asked, though he didnt really believe shed actually leave with the kids. He thought she was just trying to scare him.
But she left. She even showed the return tickets shed bought weeks ago. Jack would have to spend the next three weeks in proud solitude, and the thought was terrifying.
Before she went, Emily made the house spotless and left a final warning:
If its still a mess when I get back, you can file for divorce yourself. Ive had enough.
—
Men have a funny idea of what clean means.
Some actually care about hygiene, keep everything spotless, and even know how to fix things themselves.
But most men dont put cleanliness high on their list of priorities. And clean is a pretty stretchy concept.
Take a stray piece of paper: if it doesnt bother you, it can sit there until the next scheduled cleaning, or you can shove it under the sofa with a foot.
Dust on the TV or laptop? If the colours have faded or the sunlight has highlighted the dust, thats a good excuse to ignore it.
A bit of sand on the floor? If youre in slippers, its not a big deal unless you start slipping.
And we cant even start on the piles of dishes waiting by the sink.
Whats the point of a frantic dash just to wash a single plate? Better to gather everything and make it a proper Herculean task, not just a runofthemill dishwashing.
As for stuff left out of place, you could argue forever maybe the trousers on the chair think thats home now? In the wardrobe theyll feel lonely.
Jack was exactly the sort of bloke who fell into that majority with his own quirky attitude to tidiness to Emily, he was practically a pig.
He could cook, fix a leaky tap, and even clean when he felt like it, usually when a sudden burst of motivation struck.
But often his enthusiasm didnt line up with what Emily needed.
Hed get a sudden urge to scrub the stove, only for Emily to already have something boiling on the hob. No chance to slip in, and he didnt want to get in the way. Another chore would pop up, pulling his attention elsewhere.
Motivation was a rare guest.
And when Emily demanded he spring into action, even if he was feeling flat, he still had to oblige. Sometimes the mood hit him from a corner, and there was nothing else to do!
Aside from his cleaning quirks, Jack was a solid family man. He had a decent job, earned a respectable salary in pounds, loved his wife, adored the kids, and took on side gigs to bring in a bit extra.
His only real vice was video games, but Emily could always pull him away when needed.
When Emily made an impulsive purchase, Jack would just smile and say, Thats what women do!
If she came home from work in a funk, Jack would listen, empathise, and even scold her boss (in his mind) while holding her hand.
All in all they were a good family, except for one nagging issue Jacks lack of cleanliness. Hed let everything pile up, leaving Emily to do the bulk of the work, while their two daughters only helped Dad with his toys and left the real mess to Mum.
Finally fed up, Emily decided shed either reeducate Jack to keep things tidy or spare her own nerves from the endless cycle of clean up after you.
—
A week before she was due to return, Emily called Jack:
Hows it going over there?
Fine, he answered.
Just a headsup youve got a week to sort the place before I get back.
He promised everything was fine.
She called again three days before, then two, then the day before, just to remind him that there was still time to tidy up.
Honestly, Emily missed Jack terribly. Theyd never been apart more than a week since they wed, and now three weeks stretched ahead. She hoped the warning would keep him from giving the house a final shove toward divorce, even if she was prepared to forgive a pigsty.
No big drama, just a firm reminder no divorce yet.
The day finally came. Emily dropped the kids off at the playground, exchanged stories about her trip to her mums with friends, and walked back into the flat.
Constantin, youve surprised me! she exclaimed cheerfully.
And you, Emily, have not! Jack replied sternly, Just like that joke you told me.
What joke? Emily asked, bewildered.
I spent three weeks alone! I only used one pot and one pan, washing them before each use. One plate, one fork, one spoon all cleaned before meals. I only used two mugs: one for tea, one for coffee. I drank water, soda, and juice from bottles and tossed them straight into the bin on the way to work. Thats the habit youve drilled into me over the years!
And now? Emily pressed.
Now Im saying the mess isnt my doing, Jack declared confidently. You love sweets in this house, you and the kids! That chocolate bar you still blame me for? You hid it when you were on a diet, and I just stayed quiet!
But you still leave Emily began, trying to catch him midsentence.
If youd stop meddling in how I clean, and not stick your nose where Im not asked, there wouldnt be any problem at all!
The next day the flat was a typical mess again, but Emily tackled the cleaning knowing Jack wasnt the only culprit.
The kids, probably, she thought. Theyll have to pitch in, too if theyre going to make a mess, they should help clean it up.
