Thirty years ago I still recall the look in Ellie Harpers mothers eyesdeep hopelessness, a silent accusation that never left her lips. Megan never scolded Ellie outright, yet Ellie felt that, from the moment she heard that look, her mother had slipped away. The silence grew into a hollow hatred.
Ellie slammed the lid of her battered suitcase, forcing a hastily folded cardigan inside. The zipper jammed, refusing to close.
Whats the point? she muttered, leaning her full weight on it.
A sudden knock made her flinch.
Mark back with his farewell speeches, she thought, irritated.
Sure enough, Mark stood there, a wilted bouquet of roses in hand.
Back in Portsmouth again? he asked, unable to mask his true feelings.
Yes, Mark, once more, Ellie replied, softening her tone. She understood how hard it was for him, and she too carried a heavy heartbecause of Tommy.
Ellie, how long can you keep this up? Youre living in a nightmare that will eat you alive, Mark said, searching for words that wouldnt wound. Youre stuck in the past, and its destroying you.
What am I supposed to do? Ellie snapped, suddenly loud. Forget? Tell myself Oh well, my brother vanished thirty years ago, what does it matter? Is that what you want?
If you drop the theatrics, then yes. Thats exactly what Im asking for.
I want you to be happy, Ellie. To live in the now. To give yourself a chancemaybe even marriage.
Ellie lowered her gaze. She loved Mark in her own way; he was reliable, caring, patient. But Tommy was her endless ache.
I cant, Mark. I simply cant. Until I find Tommy, I cant move on.
Youll never find him! Mark burst out. Thirty years have passed. Even if hes alive, he wont recognize you. He could be in a childrens home, have lost his memory, or been adopted. Hed be a different person by now!
He shied away from any alternative where Tommy might still be alivethose thoughts terrified him.
No! Ellie snapped, shaking her head. Its Tommy. Ill find him. I feel it.
Mark handed her the roses.
Then farewell, Ellie. This is all a fantasy, not a relationship.
She took the bouquet, feeling something inside her snap. Her feelings, once again, broke apart. She knew she was losing Mark, but she couldnt stop it.
Goodbye, Mark, she whispered, closing the door behind her.
Ellie perched on the stubborn suitcase, still trying to zip it, and didnt notice the tears streaming down her face.
Why, Tommy? Why did it all go wrong? she asked the brother she was beginning to forget. Sometimes she caught herself forgetting the shape of his face, the tone of his voice, the colour of his eyes.
At seven, Ellie could no longer stand Tommy, who stole her freedom and attention. Summer in the village should have been a childs paradiseriver, woods, friends, latenight games. Instead Ellie was stuck pushing a pram with Tommy through dusty lanes, listening to his endless mamma cries. Her mother, Megan, would say, Ellie, go out and play with your brother; it isnt hard. It was hardso hard! Ellie longed to run to the river with Danny, Pete and Sophie, to build forts in the woods, simply to be a child. Instead she had to wheel Tommys stroller while the world passed her by.
One day Danny suggested crossing to the far side of the river, where an abandoned mill was said to house ghosts. No one believed in ghosts, but the idea of exploring unknown places thrilled them.
Ellie, come with us! Just you, no Tommy, Danny urged.
Ellie looked hopeful at Megan.
No, Ellie, Megan snapped. Either stay with your brother or stay at home.
Ellie clenched her teeth. Everything irritated her. This wasnt life. Yet she took her brothers hand.
On the other bank the day was a riot of laughter, shrieks, and hideandseek inside the derelict mill. Ellie did little elseTommy, though restless, never ran as fast as a sevenyearold through ruins.
Then she let go of his hand for a moment, just enough to reach under a concrete slab for a yellowed, cracked ball the previous kids must have left behind. She slipped in, grabbed the ball, climbed out, brushed herself off and when she turned, Tommy was gone.
She shouted his name until her throat hoarse. The other kids searched, to no avail. Tommy vanished.
The police, parents, neighbours combed the river, the woods, every house, questioning anyone who might know. Still, no trace.
Ellie remembered her mothers eyes againfull of despair. Megan never uttered a reproach, yet Ellie felt that from that day onward she had lost her mother. Her mothers silence turned into hatred.
A year later Megan could no longer bear it.
Her father, George, tried to stay upbeat, cheering Ellie on, but he was broken too. Ellie watched him age day by day, heard the clink of empty bottles in his room. He never drank in front of her; he waited until she fell asleep, then uncorked a fresh one in secret. But Ellie never slept.
When she finally grew up, her sole purpose was to find Tommy. It became her duty, her redemption, her chance to bring back who? Him or herself?
The plane touched down in Portsmouth. Ellie stepped out of the terminal, a slight tremor running through her. Portsmouth was a charming city, yet she had no time for its beauty. She was there for Tommy.
She was convinced he was somewhere in town.
She didnt understand why she arrived in every city with such certainty. The message shed received described a man working at the local docks, looking strikingly like a faded photograph of Tommy taken years ago, and a sketch of what he might look like as an adult. The picture was blurry, but something in it hooked Ellie, telling her this could be him.
At the airport Andrew met herher source.
Thank you for coming, Ellie said, shaking his hand. Im grateful.
I hope Ive not called you in vain, Andrew replied. Ill take you to him. Hes refused to speak to me, but maybe seeing you will change his mind. They say kin feel each others presence.
They drove in silence, Ellie watching the countryside roll by.
Eventually they stopped near the docks parking lot. Andrew said, Hes over there, pointing to a man tinkering under the bonnet of an old Toyota.
Ellie stared. The mans light hair and blue eyes matched Tommys, and there was an indefinable spark that made her heart stall.
Tommy? she whispered.
The man startled, straightened, wiping his hands on a dirty rag. In that instant Ellie realised it wasnt him. Still, she didnt want to admit it.
Do I know you? he asked, spotting Andrew behind her. Andrew, whats the story?
Ellie broke down.
Tommy, its me, Ellie, your sister
She knew he wasnt really her brother, but the words wouldnt come.
Sister? I have no sister. Andrew, what kind of joke is this? I told you I have no relatives.
There is one! Ellie lunged, grabbing his arms. Tommy, dont you remember? We played by the river. You got lost. I was seven, you were two and a half. You dont recall?
He stepped back.
Im sorry, I dont understand. If this is a prank, it isnt funny. My names James. I grew up in a childrens home. Ive never seen my family since I was four. Im sure I never had a sister.
You look just like Tommy! she cried. Same eyes, same hair!
Maybe. There are lookalikes everywhere. Ive been chased by many who thought I was someone else, James shrugged. But Im not your brother. Youve got the wrong man.
Ellie didnt want to believe him. She knew he wasnt her brother, yet each new deadend deepened the ache. She had nearly found him, only for him to slip away again. She wanted to hug him, tell him everything would be alright after all these years, but his bewildered stare turned cold, as if people were beginning to fear her.
I I could run a test, Ellie stammered, to be sure.
Im not opposed, James said, but I doubt it will change anything. My family were drinkers. After I was taken, my mother apparently had three more kids, all taken too. I never met them, but Ive heard stories. I cant be your brother.
Please, it wont take long.
Alright.
The results came back days laternegative. James was definitely not Ellies brother.
Back in her flat, Ellie stared at the grey rain beating against the window. The hope that had flared in Portsmouth now lay ashcolored, a reminder that maybe she should have listened to Mark.
Mark never returned. He had probably moved on with someone who didnt live in the past, who could offer a real present. Ellie didnt blame him. She could only live in memories, forever stuck at the moment her brother vanished.
It was time to let go of hope
And yet
She opened her laptop again, scrolling through listings of missing children, longlost relatives, anyone searching for family. She knew she would never stop hunting for Tommy; it was her curse, her burden until death.
Six months passed.
Ellie visited two more towns nearby, talked to a dozen people. Nothing.
Then James, the dock worker from Portsmouth, called. Not from Portsmouth, but from the same townhed moved. Curiosity got the better of her, so she agreed to meet.
He sat across from her, a grin on his face.
My job fell through after a scandalpeople were sacked, I left. A mate from the same childrens home called, offered me another post here. I remembered you, thought maybe fate was nudging us. I liked you from the moment I saw you. I have nothing left to lose.
Liked me? Ellies cheeks flushed.
When was the last time shed sat in a café, chatting hearttoheart with anyone not about Tommy, not rushing to a station? Not in a bustling diner, not in a dreary airport lounge, just sitting and talking.
Yes, James continued. I thought Id ask Andrew for your number and call you when I moved. I moved and called.
His blunt honesty made her smile.
Id love that. I could stay longer, but I have suitcases to pack. My flight is at dawn.
Where to this time?
To the Midlands.
The lead was flimsy, but Ellie would go. She no longer believed in anything. It had become a frantic chase; stopping would drive her mad.
Youre trying to drown out guilt, James said suddenly, oddly candid.
Perhaps, Ellie admitted. I was responsible for him. I should have brought him home. For thirty years Ive only tried to bring him home. But
The conversation faltered.
We barely know each other, so I cant advise you on your life. Ill tell you about mine. I remember my first four years better than most people remember their whole lives. I recall feeling utterly useless. When they took me to the childrens home I didnt cry. Yet until I left, I wanted to see my parents, to fix the brokenness that haunted me. I found them, they didnt care. I let it go. That chapter ended, another began. I move easily, adapt, but I never run away. I keep moving forward. You, however, have been running your whole conscious life.
Ellie sat in silence for a long while.
Our situations differ. You have a definite answer you chase; I have uncertainty. Sorry, I have to go.
She was about to leave when a thought struck hernot guilt, not duty, but a simple desire to stay.
Im not opposed to a date, she said. Tomorrow.
What about the trip?
The man who looks like Tommy isnt him. I know that now. Im tired of the chase. Youre right about some things. So Ill go on a date.
Ill be delighted.
