23April
Rain has been ticking against the windows ever since I left the office, turning the little courtyard into a grey blur. The drizzle feels endless, but for Natalie and Jane, pushing their prams along the cobbled lane, its just another backdrop to their endless chatter. They have been best friends since schoolgirls, and now, almost in unison, theyre both mums. Natalie gave birth to a hefty boy she named Mark, while Janes bundle of joy is a tiny girl she calls Ellie, her eyes bright with curiosity.
Look at him, Natalie, so serious, Jane cooed at my brother, smiling. Whos the serious one? Hell be a professor someday, I can see it nowalways dreaming up something.
Im not so sure, Jane, I replied, halfjoking. Hes mostly figuring out how loud he can shout at the moment. And your Ellie? Shes still small but full of fire. A little commander in the making.
Exactly! Jane winked. When shes older Ill send her to drama club, maybe dance, maybe singing. She must not lose that stagepresence, mustnt be scared of the spotlight. Right, love? She turned to Ellie, whispering, Will you be an actress one day? And you, Mark, what will you study?
I tried to straighten Janes tiny bonnet, but Mark reached out clumsily, trying to grab her finger, while Ellie swirled in her pram, clearly fascinated by the commotion.
Those are the first tentative steps toward future relationships, Jane mused, catching my eye. I wonder what will happen when they grow up, if they stay as close as we are now.
Would be brilliant, I said, imagining the scene. And what if they fall in love? Imagine us becoming inlaws, sharing grandchildren.
Exactly! Janes face lit up. Theyll have known each other from the swaddle. All our quirks, and theirs, will be understood without fuss. I never thought of it that way, but its lovely.
Neighbours with their dogs and strollers shuffled past, umbrellas bobbing, nodding politely.
—
Years slipped by. Mark and Ellie truly grew up side by side. Their first steps were taken together; their first words were exchanged in the same breath. Nursery, then primary school, then Year1everything they faced hand in hand. It seemed the mothers predictions were spot on. Mark, preferring quiet games, always yielded his favourite toy to Ellie. She, ever the leader, decided which game theyd play, when to do homework, and whose backpack shed carry during break.
By Year5 things shifted. Mark, now more independent, grew less tolerant of Ellies constant give me that attitude. What had once been a simple concession now felt like a demand.
Mark, hand me the car! Ellie snapped, snatching his hand. You never play with it anyway.
I was about to take it, he replied.
And what? I wanted it too, but Ill let you have a turnonly when I feel like it! Ellie insisted. Listen to me!
I remembered my mothers words: we were supposed to stay friends, no matter what. Our families were intertwined, and I didnt want to ruin that by petty squabbles. So I swallowed my irritation when Ellie claimed the best seat on the bus or dictated the rules of our games. She even began to look at me differently, her cheeky grin turning into something softer. I think she fell for me at some point, but I was merely enduring.
When we turned twentyfive, my patience had become a habit, not a virtue. Ellies oncecharming cheekiness had mutated into an oppressive clinginess. She lingered near me, waiting for the moment Id finally admit she was my destiny.
Mark, love, you look pensive today, Natalie nudged me over breakfast. Whats got you so down? Time to think about the futuremaybe a family?
I stared at my phone, the screen a welcome distraction.
You get on so well with Ellie, Natalie pressed, choosing her words carefully. Shes a lovely girl, a bit loud, but perhaps shes what youre missing. Wouldnt it be wonderful if you married?
Id heard this tone for years.
Mum, were friends, just as you said, I said, trying to keep my voice steady. I dont want to marry her.
Friends she mused. Youve known each other for agesnursery, school, sharing a desk. Isnt that more than friendship? Its fate, Mark! Where else will you find someone who knows you so well?
Ive never felt anything for Ellie beyond friendship, I replied, eager to end the conversation. And even that friendship has faded. As a kid I put up with her tantrums to avoid fights, but now shes just an old acquaintance. Im not interested, Mum. Not at all.
But she adores you! She always says youre clever
She says that to everyone she likes, I shrugged.
Is it a tactic? Natalie asked. Do you think shes misleading you?
No, Mum, she isnt. She just craves attention, always wants to be centre stage. I cant give her more than a friendly chat. I dont feel the kind of love that would make a marriage work.
I get it, Mark, she sighed. Weve both dreamed of you two together. I suppose I pushed too hard.
Later that day, I caught Ellie scrolling through my old photos on her phone. A smile tugged at her lips as she stared at the images of me as a teenager, the boy who never seemed to notice her advances.
When will you understand? she whispered to herself.
She turned to her mother, Helen, for comfort.
Hi, Mum, she greeted.
Hey, love! What have you been up to? Helen replied, nudging Jane, who was nearby. We were just talking about Markso stubborn, never thinks about the future. Well try to persuade him.
Stubborn? Why? Ellie asked. He never tells me anything
He says he has no feelings for you. Can you imagine? After all these years, no spark?
But hes always been there, always listened.
Exactly! Youve known each other since the swaddle, love. Feelings can appear later. Just stay close, dont give up. Hell realize theres no one else for you.
Im not giving up, Mum, Ellie replied defiantly.
Back at home, Natalie felt a knot in her chest. She valued her friendship with Jane, but she could see how exhausted Mark was from the constant pressure.
You know, Jane, she confessed over the phone one evening, maybe Ive overstepped. Mark really doesnt feel anything for Ellie. He told me the pressure is getting to him.
Pressure? Jane asked, surprised. What pressure?
The expectation that we should make them happy, that theyll marry because weve been friends for so long, Natalie explained. If Mark has no feelings, what do we do?
But what do I tell Ellie? I cant see anyone else for her but Mark.
The years rolled on. Ellie still lingered around, meeting Mark occasionally by accident. She had a few boyfriends, none lasting long. I threw myself into work, and then I met Alice. Natalie initially dismissed her as a fling, but when we started dating seriously, the situation became messy.
You can picture that? Alice snapped when she left a family gathering at Janes house. Were practically one big family now. How do I tell Ellie that Ill be coming to all the celebrations with you? Shell go berserk, Jane wont forgive us
Mom!! I shouted, exasperated. Do you think youre overstepping? Youre telling me who to see because Aunt Jane will be upset!
Im not telling you what to do, love, but Ellie does love you, Jane replied, trying to mediate.
Soon after, Jane declared that if I ever brought another girl into the family, she would cut ties with us. That meant Natalie would lose a dear friend.
I cant return her love, I said bluntly. Im sorry, but I cant force feelings that arent there.
But shes suffering, Mark! Jane protested.
I see that, Mum. I feel for her, but I cant lie to either of us. It would be a fraud, and I wont betray my conscience.
I suppose if Im being honest, maybe you just never noticed? After all these years, perhaps youve gotten used to her as a friend and missed something more
I feel nothing. Absolutely nothing. No romantic spark, no desire to spend my life with her. Were just too different.
Jane never forgave Natalie for that. Their contact dwindled to occasional greetings at mutual acquaintances gatherings.
At a friends wedding, Ellie and I found ourselves seated together.
You look good, Ellie, I said, breaking the silence.
You too, Mark, she replied, eyes bright. Ive never stopped thinking about you.
I know, I sighed. And thats why its so hard. I cant meet the expectations you have of me. Im not the man who can make you happy the way you want.
Why not? Im ready to do anything! she whispered.
Because I dont love you, Ellie. I dont think I ever will. Our mums have stopped trying to bring us together, but I cant change my heart. Im sorry.
She swallowed, her voice trembling. I understand, Mark Im sorry for the illusion.
I watched her shoulders slump, realizing that my refusal, however gentle, had finally shattered the last of her hopes. The rain outside had finally stopped, and the world beyond the window seemed a little clearer, if only for a moment.
