The Syndrome of a Life Forever Put on Hold… The Confession of a 60-Year-Old Woman Helen: This year I turned 60—and not a single one of my family even rang to wish me happy birthday. I have a daughter and a son, a grandson and granddaughter, and even my ex-husband is still around. My daughter’s 40, my son’s 35. Both live in London, both graduated from respected universities. Both intelligent, successful. My daughter’s married to a high-ranking civil servant, my son to the daughter of a prominent London businessman. Both have thriving careers, own several properties, and each runs their own business alongside a secure government job. Everything is stable. My ex-husband left when our son finished uni. He said he was tired of the constant pace, even though his own work was steady, weekends spent with mates or lounging on the sofa, holidays visiting family up north for the whole month. I never took holidays, worked three jobs at once—engineer in a factory, cleaner for management, and at weekends packing shelves in the local supermarket from eight to eight, plus extra cleaning. Every penny I earned was for the kids—London’s an expensive city and studying at top universities meant good clothes, food, and treats. I’d wear old clothes, patch things up, repair my shoes, kept clean and tidy. That was enough for me. My escapes were dreams—sometimes I’d see myself there; happy, young, laughing. When my husband left, he bought himself a fancy car straight away. Must’ve had a decent stash set aside. Our life together was strange—all the costs were mine except the rent, which he paid; that was his only real contribution. I raised our children, paid for their educations myself… The flat we lived in came from my gran—a solid, well-kept Victorian with high ceilings. Two beds, converted to a three. The box room had a window and I renovated it; perfect for a bed, desk, wardrobe, shelves. That was my daughter’s. My son and I shared a room—luckily, I was hardly home except to sleep. Husband lived in the lounge. When my daughter moved to London, I took her old box room. Son stayed in the other room. Splitting up with my husband was peaceful; no rows, no splitting the furniture, and no blame games. He wanted to LIVE, not muddle through, and I was so worn out I felt relieved… No more slaving over dinners, desserts, and drinks. No more washing his clothes and bedding; I could finally rest. By that stage, I’d racked up plenty of health issues—spine, joints, diabetes, thyroid, exhaustion. For the first time I took a real break and focused on treatment. I kept my side jobs. Got a bit better. I hired a really good tradesman and his mate—they redid my bathroom in two weeks, a proper job. For me that was happiness! Personal, genuine happiness! Happiness for myself! All this time, instead of birthday and holiday gifts, I’d send my successful children money. Then there were grandchildren, so I couldn’t stop working extra. I never saved for myself. My own birthday calls came rarely, mostly in reply to my wishes. No gifts. Worst of all, neither my son nor my daughter invited me to their weddings. My daughter told me: “Mum, you just wouldn’t fit in the crowd. There’ll be people from the Prime Minister’s office.” And I found out about my son’s wedding from my daughter, after the fact… At least they didn’t ask for money for the weddings… Neither child ever visits, though I always invite them. My daughter says there’s nothing for her in our “backwater” (a busy city, over a million people). My son always says, “Oh, Mum, I’m too busy!” Flights to London go seven times a day, just two hours in the air… How would I name that period of my life? Probably the age of suppressed emotions… I lived like Scarlett O’Hara—”I’ll think about it tomorrow”… I buried all my tears and pain, held back everything from confusion to despair. I worked like a robot pre-programmed to keep going. Later, the factory was bought out by London investors—restructuring followed, all us older staff were let go overnight, so I retired early. The pension’s £250 a week… Try living on that. I got lucky—a cleaning job opened up in our five-storey, four-entrance block… So I started mopping up stairwells—an extra £250 a week. I kept my weekend supermarket job, £35 per shift. Hardest bit was being on my feet the whole day. I slowly started fixing up the kitchen. Did most of it myself; ordered new units from a neighbour—he did a fine job at a decent price. And again, I began to squirrel away a little money. Wanted to touch up the rooms, update some furniture. Those were the plans… except nowhere in those plans was I myself! What did I spend on me? Only basic food, and I never ate much. And medicine—those bills were steep. Rent’s climbed year after year. My ex suggested, “Sell the flat, great area, good price—get yourself a one-bed.” But it breaks my heart. It’s my gran’s memory. I don’t recall my parents. Gran raised me. That flat’s my whole life’s history. I kept things friendly with my ex. We chat now and then, like old mates. He’s fine. Never talks about his personal life. Once a month he comes over, brings potatoes, veg, rice, drinking water—all the heavy stuff. Refuses money. Says if I use delivery, it’ll be rubbish, all rotten. I don’t argue. Inside, something’s frozen—bundled tight. I just keep going. Work hard. Never dream. Never want anything for myself. I only see my daughter and grandkids on her Instagram. My son’s life flashes on his wife’s Insta. I’m glad they’re well; safe and healthy. They holiday in exotic places, dine at fancy restaurants. Maybe I didn’t give them enough love. Maybe that’s why they don’t have love for me. Sometimes my daughter asks how I am; I always say I’m fine. Never complain. My son occasionally sends WhatsApp voice notes: “Hi Mum, hope you’re well.” Once my son told me he didn’t want to hear about my problems with Dad—negativity upsets him. So I stopped sharing anything with him, just say: “Yes, love—all’s well.” I’d love to hug my grandchildren, but I suspect they don’t know their living granny exists—the old cleaner on a pension. I guess, according to family legend, granny’s long gone… I don’t recall ever buying anything for myself—all I get is the odd bit of underwear and socks, always the cheapest. Never been for a manicure, pedicure… Once a month I get my hair trimmed at the salon next door, and dye it myself. The one thing I like: even now, I still wear the same size as in my youth—14/16. No need to replace my wardrobe. But I’m terrified that one day I won’t be able to get out of bed—the pain in my spine is relentless. I’m afraid of being trapped. Maybe I shouldn’t have lived this way—no rest, no little joys, always working and saving everything for “later”? But where is “later”? It’s gone… My spirit is empty… my heart—full of indifference… And around me—only emptiness… I don’t blame anyone. But I can’t really blame myself either. I’ve always worked, still do now. Building a little safety net, just in case I can’t work. Tiny, but still… Though, truth be told, I know if I’m bedridden, I won’t want to live… wouldn’t want anyone to have to deal with me. And you know what’s saddest of all? No one in my entire life has ever given me flowers… Not once… Wouldn’t it be a laugh if someone finally brings fresh flowers to my grave? Seriously, it’d be almost funny…

The Syndrome of a Life Forever Postponed
Confession of a 60-year-old Woman

Margaret:

This year I turn 60. Not one of my family even rang to wish me happy birthday. I have a daughter and a son, a grandson and a granddaughter, as well as an ex-husband somewhere out there. My daughter is 40, my son 35. Both live in London and have graduated from rather prestigious London universities. They’re clever, successful. My daughter is married to a senior civil servant, my son to the daughter of a prominent London businessman. Their careers are prosperous, they own several properties, and aside from their public sector posts, each runs their own business. All is steady.

My ex-husband left when our son finished university. Said he was tired of this pace of life. Odd, as he worked quietly in the same job, spent weekends with friends or lounging about at home, and every summer hed disappear for a whole month to relatives down in Cornwall. I never took a single holiday; I worked three jobs at onceengineer at a factory, cleaner in the office, and weekends as a packing assistant at the local Tesco from 8am to 8pm, plus cleaning storage and staff rooms. Every penny I made went to the childrenLondons an expensive place, and studying at elite universities demanded a good wardrobe, nutritious food, and plenty of activities.

I learned to wear old clothes, mend where I could, repaired shoes countless times. I always kept myself neat and clean, that was enough for me. My only entertainment was in dreamssometimes I’d see myself happy and young in my sleep, laughing.

As soon as my husband left, he bought himself a flashy carmust have saved quite a bit. Our life together was strange; I bore every expense except the rent. He paid the rent, and that was the end of his contribution to the family. It was me who educated the children

The flat we all lived in came from my grandmothera good, solid and lovely Victorian two-bed converted into a three. There was a storage room with a window, 8.5 square metres, which I fixed up with a bed, desk, wardrobe and shelves; my daughter took that space. I shared a room with my son, though I only came home to sleep; my husband had the living room. When my daughter moved to London, I moved into the storeroom and the son stayed in the bedroom.

There were no dramas with my husband as we parted, no fighting over assets, no accusations. He wanted to live, not just survive the dreariness, and I was so worn out that I actually felt relief. I didnt have to cook endless meals or do his laundry anymore, didnt need to iron and put everything away, could actually just use that time for rest.

By then, I’d collected a fair few ailmentsbad back, sore joints, diabetes, thyroid, nerves shot to pieces. I took my first proper break at my main job just to get treatment. Still kept my side jobs though. I improved.

I hired a brilliant tradesman and with his mate, they renovated my bathroom in just two weeks. For me, it was true happiness! HAPPINESS FOR ME! A personal joy.

All those years, for birthdays, Christmas, Mothers Day, even Fathers Day, I sent money to my successful children instead of presents. Then came the grandchildren, so I could never quit my extra work. Nothing left to spend on myself. I got the odd holiday greeting, usually only in reply to mine. No one ever gave me presents.

But the worst part was neither my son nor my daughter invited me to their weddings.

My daughter said quite bluntly: “Mum, you wouldnt really fit in with the crowd. Therell be people from Downing Street.” I only learned of my son’s wedding after the event, from my daughter.

Well, at least they didnt ask me for money for the wedding

Neither child ever visits, though I always invite them. My daughter said theres nothing for her in our backwater, even though our city has over a million people. My son always says, “Oh Mum, theres never any time!”

There are seven flights a day to London! Its just two hours in the air

How would I describe that period of my life? Probably a life of suppressed emotions.

I lived like Scarlett OHara”Ill think about that tomorrow”

I crushed my tears and pain, pushed down every feeling from confusion to despair. I lived like a machine, programmed only for work.

Then our factory was bought by London investors and there was restructuring. All of us nearing retirement were let go, so I lost two jobs instantly, but managed to take early retirement thanks to the redundancies. The pension I get is £200 a week. Try living off that.

As luck would have it, a position opened up for a cleaner in our five-storey, four-entry block of flatsI started cleaning the corridorsanother £200 a week. I kept my packing and cleaning job at Tesco at weekends, as the pays good£30 a shift. Its only tough being on my feet all day.

I slowly started fixing up my kitchen. Did it all myself, ordered the cabinets from a neighbourhe did a fine job for a fair price.

I started saving again. I wanted to redecorate the rooms, maybe replace some furniture. I had plansbut the plans never included myself! What did I spend on myself? Just foodsimple stuff; Ive never eaten much. And medication, which costs plenty. The rent never cheers meit just climbs each year. My ex told me, sell the three-bed, the areas desirable, youll get a decent sum. Buy yourself a one-bed place.

But I simply cant. It’s my grandmothers memory. My parents I barely remember. My grandmother brought me up. That flat means everything to me.

My ex and I managed to keep up civil friendship. We sometimes talk, like old neighbours. He’s well. Never talks about his private life. Once a month he pops in bringing groceriespotatoes, veg, rice, bottled water. The heavy stuff. Refuses money. Tells me not to use deliveries; you get nothing but bad food, he says. I agree.

It feels like something inside me has frozenall tight. I live my life and work a lot. I dont dream of anything. I dont want anything for myself. I only see my daughter and grandchildren in her Instagram posts; my sons life flashes by in his wifes stories. Still, Im glad theyre doing well. Everyones healthy, going on fancy holiday trips, dining in expensive restaurants.

Perhaps I didnt give them enough love. Thats why they feel nothing for me. My daughter occasionally asks how I am. I always answer Im fine. I never complain. My son sometimes sends quick WhatsApp voice notes: Hey Mum, hope you’re well.

Once, he said he didnt want to hear about our problems, too much negativity, so I stopped talking about any troubles, just reply, Yes, love, alls fine.

Id really love to hug my grandchildren, but I suspect they dont even know their grandmother is livinga pensioner working as a cleaner. Probably in their minds, grandmas passed on years ago

I cant recall the last time I bought something just for myself; sometimes I pick up the cheapest underwear or socks. Ive never had a manicure or pedicure at a salon. Once a month I get my hair trimmed at the local barbers. I colour my hair at home myself. The only thing thats stayed since youth is my sizesame as before. No reason to update the wardrobe.

The one thing that truly frightens me is the thought that one morning I won’t be able to get upmy back constantly tortures me, the aches never fade. Im terrified of being left helpless.

Maybe I shouldn’t have worked myself to the bone, never taking time off, always postponing any joy for later? Where is later? It doesnt exist anymore My soul feels empty my hearts just indifferent and the world around me is empty too

I blame no one. But I cant blame myself either. Ive worked my whole life, and I still do. I keep a small buffer just in case I cant work anymore. Its not much, but at least its something Though, truthfully, I know if I become bedridden, I wont want to live I dont want to be a burden to anyone.

And you know what’s the saddest bit? No one has ever given me flowers Never. Funny, really, if someone would bring fresh flowers to my grave someday It would be enough to make me laughproperly laugh.

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The Syndrome of a Life Forever Put on Hold… The Confession of a 60-Year-Old Woman Helen: This year I turned 60—and not a single one of my family even rang to wish me happy birthday. I have a daughter and a son, a grandson and granddaughter, and even my ex-husband is still around. My daughter’s 40, my son’s 35. Both live in London, both graduated from respected universities. Both intelligent, successful. My daughter’s married to a high-ranking civil servant, my son to the daughter of a prominent London businessman. Both have thriving careers, own several properties, and each runs their own business alongside a secure government job. Everything is stable. My ex-husband left when our son finished uni. He said he was tired of the constant pace, even though his own work was steady, weekends spent with mates or lounging on the sofa, holidays visiting family up north for the whole month. I never took holidays, worked three jobs at once—engineer in a factory, cleaner for management, and at weekends packing shelves in the local supermarket from eight to eight, plus extra cleaning. Every penny I earned was for the kids—London’s an expensive city and studying at top universities meant good clothes, food, and treats. I’d wear old clothes, patch things up, repair my shoes, kept clean and tidy. That was enough for me. My escapes were dreams—sometimes I’d see myself there; happy, young, laughing. When my husband left, he bought himself a fancy car straight away. Must’ve had a decent stash set aside. Our life together was strange—all the costs were mine except the rent, which he paid; that was his only real contribution. I raised our children, paid for their educations myself… The flat we lived in came from my gran—a solid, well-kept Victorian with high ceilings. Two beds, converted to a three. The box room had a window and I renovated it; perfect for a bed, desk, wardrobe, shelves. That was my daughter’s. My son and I shared a room—luckily, I was hardly home except to sleep. Husband lived in the lounge. When my daughter moved to London, I took her old box room. Son stayed in the other room. Splitting up with my husband was peaceful; no rows, no splitting the furniture, and no blame games. He wanted to LIVE, not muddle through, and I was so worn out I felt relieved… No more slaving over dinners, desserts, and drinks. No more washing his clothes and bedding; I could finally rest. By that stage, I’d racked up plenty of health issues—spine, joints, diabetes, thyroid, exhaustion. For the first time I took a real break and focused on treatment. I kept my side jobs. Got a bit better. I hired a really good tradesman and his mate—they redid my bathroom in two weeks, a proper job. For me that was happiness! Personal, genuine happiness! Happiness for myself! All this time, instead of birthday and holiday gifts, I’d send my successful children money. Then there were grandchildren, so I couldn’t stop working extra. I never saved for myself. My own birthday calls came rarely, mostly in reply to my wishes. No gifts. Worst of all, neither my son nor my daughter invited me to their weddings. My daughter told me: “Mum, you just wouldn’t fit in the crowd. There’ll be people from the Prime Minister’s office.” And I found out about my son’s wedding from my daughter, after the fact… At least they didn’t ask for money for the weddings… Neither child ever visits, though I always invite them. My daughter says there’s nothing for her in our “backwater” (a busy city, over a million people). My son always says, “Oh, Mum, I’m too busy!” Flights to London go seven times a day, just two hours in the air… How would I name that period of my life? Probably the age of suppressed emotions… I lived like Scarlett O’Hara—”I’ll think about it tomorrow”… I buried all my tears and pain, held back everything from confusion to despair. I worked like a robot pre-programmed to keep going. Later, the factory was bought out by London investors—restructuring followed, all us older staff were let go overnight, so I retired early. The pension’s £250 a week… Try living on that. I got lucky—a cleaning job opened up in our five-storey, four-entrance block… So I started mopping up stairwells—an extra £250 a week. I kept my weekend supermarket job, £35 per shift. Hardest bit was being on my feet the whole day. I slowly started fixing up the kitchen. Did most of it myself; ordered new units from a neighbour—he did a fine job at a decent price. And again, I began to squirrel away a little money. Wanted to touch up the rooms, update some furniture. Those were the plans… except nowhere in those plans was I myself! What did I spend on me? Only basic food, and I never ate much. And medicine—those bills were steep. Rent’s climbed year after year. My ex suggested, “Sell the flat, great area, good price—get yourself a one-bed.” But it breaks my heart. It’s my gran’s memory. I don’t recall my parents. Gran raised me. That flat’s my whole life’s history. I kept things friendly with my ex. We chat now and then, like old mates. He’s fine. Never talks about his personal life. Once a month he comes over, brings potatoes, veg, rice, drinking water—all the heavy stuff. Refuses money. Says if I use delivery, it’ll be rubbish, all rotten. I don’t argue. Inside, something’s frozen—bundled tight. I just keep going. Work hard. Never dream. Never want anything for myself. I only see my daughter and grandkids on her Instagram. My son’s life flashes on his wife’s Insta. I’m glad they’re well; safe and healthy. They holiday in exotic places, dine at fancy restaurants. Maybe I didn’t give them enough love. Maybe that’s why they don’t have love for me. Sometimes my daughter asks how I am; I always say I’m fine. Never complain. My son occasionally sends WhatsApp voice notes: “Hi Mum, hope you’re well.” Once my son told me he didn’t want to hear about my problems with Dad—negativity upsets him. So I stopped sharing anything with him, just say: “Yes, love—all’s well.” I’d love to hug my grandchildren, but I suspect they don’t know their living granny exists—the old cleaner on a pension. I guess, according to family legend, granny’s long gone… I don’t recall ever buying anything for myself—all I get is the odd bit of underwear and socks, always the cheapest. Never been for a manicure, pedicure… Once a month I get my hair trimmed at the salon next door, and dye it myself. The one thing I like: even now, I still wear the same size as in my youth—14/16. No need to replace my wardrobe. But I’m terrified that one day I won’t be able to get out of bed—the pain in my spine is relentless. I’m afraid of being trapped. Maybe I shouldn’t have lived this way—no rest, no little joys, always working and saving everything for “later”? But where is “later”? It’s gone… My spirit is empty… my heart—full of indifference… And around me—only emptiness… I don’t blame anyone. But I can’t really blame myself either. I’ve always worked, still do now. Building a little safety net, just in case I can’t work. Tiny, but still… Though, truth be told, I know if I’m bedridden, I won’t want to live… wouldn’t want anyone to have to deal with me. And you know what’s saddest of all? No one in my entire life has ever given me flowers… Not once… Wouldn’t it be a laugh if someone finally brings fresh flowers to my grave? Seriously, it’d be almost funny…