The Syndrome of a Life Forever Postponed
Confession of a 60-year-old Woman
Margaret:
This year I turn 60. Not one of my family even rang to wish me happy birthday. I have a daughter and a son, a grandson and a granddaughter, as well as an ex-husband somewhere out there. My daughter is 40, my son 35. Both live in London and have graduated from rather prestigious London universities. They’re clever, successful. My daughter is married to a senior civil servant, my son to the daughter of a prominent London businessman. Their careers are prosperous, they own several properties, and aside from their public sector posts, each runs their own business. All is steady.
My ex-husband left when our son finished university. Said he was tired of this pace of life. Odd, as he worked quietly in the same job, spent weekends with friends or lounging about at home, and every summer hed disappear for a whole month to relatives down in Cornwall. I never took a single holiday; I worked three jobs at onceengineer at a factory, cleaner in the office, and weekends as a packing assistant at the local Tesco from 8am to 8pm, plus cleaning storage and staff rooms. Every penny I made went to the childrenLondons an expensive place, and studying at elite universities demanded a good wardrobe, nutritious food, and plenty of activities.
I learned to wear old clothes, mend where I could, repaired shoes countless times. I always kept myself neat and clean, that was enough for me. My only entertainment was in dreamssometimes I’d see myself happy and young in my sleep, laughing.
As soon as my husband left, he bought himself a flashy carmust have saved quite a bit. Our life together was strange; I bore every expense except the rent. He paid the rent, and that was the end of his contribution to the family. It was me who educated the children
The flat we all lived in came from my grandmothera good, solid and lovely Victorian two-bed converted into a three. There was a storage room with a window, 8.5 square metres, which I fixed up with a bed, desk, wardrobe and shelves; my daughter took that space. I shared a room with my son, though I only came home to sleep; my husband had the living room. When my daughter moved to London, I moved into the storeroom and the son stayed in the bedroom.
There were no dramas with my husband as we parted, no fighting over assets, no accusations. He wanted to live, not just survive the dreariness, and I was so worn out that I actually felt relief. I didnt have to cook endless meals or do his laundry anymore, didnt need to iron and put everything away, could actually just use that time for rest.
By then, I’d collected a fair few ailmentsbad back, sore joints, diabetes, thyroid, nerves shot to pieces. I took my first proper break at my main job just to get treatment. Still kept my side jobs though. I improved.
I hired a brilliant tradesman and with his mate, they renovated my bathroom in just two weeks. For me, it was true happiness! HAPPINESS FOR ME! A personal joy.
All those years, for birthdays, Christmas, Mothers Day, even Fathers Day, I sent money to my successful children instead of presents. Then came the grandchildren, so I could never quit my extra work. Nothing left to spend on myself. I got the odd holiday greeting, usually only in reply to mine. No one ever gave me presents.
But the worst part was neither my son nor my daughter invited me to their weddings.
My daughter said quite bluntly: “Mum, you wouldnt really fit in with the crowd. Therell be people from Downing Street.” I only learned of my son’s wedding after the event, from my daughter.
Well, at least they didnt ask me for money for the wedding
Neither child ever visits, though I always invite them. My daughter said theres nothing for her in our backwater, even though our city has over a million people. My son always says, “Oh Mum, theres never any time!”
There are seven flights a day to London! Its just two hours in the air
How would I describe that period of my life? Probably a life of suppressed emotions.
I lived like Scarlett OHara”Ill think about that tomorrow”
I crushed my tears and pain, pushed down every feeling from confusion to despair. I lived like a machine, programmed only for work.
Then our factory was bought by London investors and there was restructuring. All of us nearing retirement were let go, so I lost two jobs instantly, but managed to take early retirement thanks to the redundancies. The pension I get is £200 a week. Try living off that.
As luck would have it, a position opened up for a cleaner in our five-storey, four-entry block of flatsI started cleaning the corridorsanother £200 a week. I kept my packing and cleaning job at Tesco at weekends, as the pays good£30 a shift. Its only tough being on my feet all day.
I slowly started fixing up my kitchen. Did it all myself, ordered the cabinets from a neighbourhe did a fine job for a fair price.
I started saving again. I wanted to redecorate the rooms, maybe replace some furniture. I had plansbut the plans never included myself! What did I spend on myself? Just foodsimple stuff; Ive never eaten much. And medication, which costs plenty. The rent never cheers meit just climbs each year. My ex told me, sell the three-bed, the areas desirable, youll get a decent sum. Buy yourself a one-bed place.
But I simply cant. It’s my grandmothers memory. My parents I barely remember. My grandmother brought me up. That flat means everything to me.
My ex and I managed to keep up civil friendship. We sometimes talk, like old neighbours. He’s well. Never talks about his private life. Once a month he pops in bringing groceriespotatoes, veg, rice, bottled water. The heavy stuff. Refuses money. Tells me not to use deliveries; you get nothing but bad food, he says. I agree.
It feels like something inside me has frozenall tight. I live my life and work a lot. I dont dream of anything. I dont want anything for myself. I only see my daughter and grandchildren in her Instagram posts; my sons life flashes by in his wifes stories. Still, Im glad theyre doing well. Everyones healthy, going on fancy holiday trips, dining in expensive restaurants.
Perhaps I didnt give them enough love. Thats why they feel nothing for me. My daughter occasionally asks how I am. I always answer Im fine. I never complain. My son sometimes sends quick WhatsApp voice notes: Hey Mum, hope you’re well.
Once, he said he didnt want to hear about our problems, too much negativity, so I stopped talking about any troubles, just reply, Yes, love, alls fine.
Id really love to hug my grandchildren, but I suspect they dont even know their grandmother is livinga pensioner working as a cleaner. Probably in their minds, grandmas passed on years ago
I cant recall the last time I bought something just for myself; sometimes I pick up the cheapest underwear or socks. Ive never had a manicure or pedicure at a salon. Once a month I get my hair trimmed at the local barbers. I colour my hair at home myself. The only thing thats stayed since youth is my sizesame as before. No reason to update the wardrobe.
The one thing that truly frightens me is the thought that one morning I won’t be able to get upmy back constantly tortures me, the aches never fade. Im terrified of being left helpless.
Maybe I shouldn’t have worked myself to the bone, never taking time off, always postponing any joy for later? Where is later? It doesnt exist anymore My soul feels empty my hearts just indifferent and the world around me is empty too
I blame no one. But I cant blame myself either. Ive worked my whole life, and I still do. I keep a small buffer just in case I cant work anymore. Its not much, but at least its something Though, truthfully, I know if I become bedridden, I wont want to live I dont want to be a burden to anyone.
And you know what’s the saddest bit? No one has ever given me flowers Never. Funny, really, if someone would bring fresh flowers to my grave someday It would be enough to make me laughproperly laugh.












