The Syndrome of a Life Forever Put on Hold… Confessions of a 60-Year-Old Woman Helen: This year I turned 60. Not a single family member called to wish me a happy milestone birthday. I have a daughter and son, a grandson and granddaughter. Even my ex-husband is still around. My daughter is 40, my son is 35. Both live in London, both graduated from prestigious universities. Bright, successful, settled. My daughter is married to a high-ranking official, my son to the daughter of a major London business leader. Both have strong careers, own several properties, and besides their government jobs, run businesses of their own. Everything is stable. My ex-husband left when our son finished uni. Said he was tired of our lifestyle—though his own life was quiet and routine, with weekends spent lounging or out with friends, and month-long holidays with relatives down in the south. I, meanwhile, never took a proper holiday. I juggled three jobs—engineering at a factory, cleaning the offices there, and packing groceries in the local supermarket every weekend from 8 till 8, plus cleaning staff rooms. Every penny went to our children—living in London isn’t cheap, and top-tier education meant sharp clothes, decent food, entertainment. I taught myself to make do with old clothes, mending and reworking pieces, fixing my shoes. I was always clean, presentable. That was enough. My only entertainment was dreaming—sometimes I’d see myself laughing, young, and happy in my sleep. The moment my husband left, he bought a new, luxury car—clearly, there were funds saved up. Our shared life was always odd: besides paying the rent, all expenses fell to me. As for the children’s education, that was my job too. The flat we lived in came from my grandmother. A classic, spacious city apartment with high ceilings, converted from two bedrooms to three. There was a box room with a window, 8.5 square meters—I renovated it, made it cozy for my daughter. My son and I shared a room, but I only came home to sleep. My husband had the lounge. When my daughter moved to London, I had the box room. My son kept the bedroom. Our separation came without drama or dividing up property, no accusations. He wanted to LIVE, not just exist, and I was so worn down, I was actually relieved: no more cooking multi-course meals, washing his clothes and bedding, ironing and putting it all away—I could use that time to rest. By then my health had crashed: spine, joints, diabetes, thyroid, sheer exhaustion. For the first time I took a break from my main job just to get treatment. Kept the side jobs, of course. Got a little better. I hired a great tradesman—he and his mate gave me a proper bathroom overhaul in two weeks. For me, it was bliss. My OWN happiness, just for me! All along, I sent money to my successful kids instead of birthday or Christmas gifts, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day. Later, there were presents for my grandchildren too. So giving up side jobs was impossible. There was never money left for myself. I was rarely congratulated, usually only if I sent wishes first. No gifts. The biggest hurt? Not being invited to my kids’ weddings. My daughter put it bluntly: “Mum, you wouldn’t really fit in with our crowd. The President’s office people will be there.” As for my son’s wedding, I only heard about it from my daughter, after the fact… At least they didn’t ask for money for the wedding. Nobody ever visits, though I always invite them. My daughter calls our town “the sticks”—even though it’s a city with a million people. My son says, “Mum, I literally have no time.” There are seven daily flights from here to London—two hours, tops. How would I describe that period of my life? Probably, suppressed emotions… I lived like Scarlett O’Hara— “I’ll think about it tomorrow…” I pushed away tears and pain, pressing down whatever I felt—from confusion to despair. I became a robot, programmed only for work. Then the factory was bought out by Londoners. Reorganisation started. All those near retirement were made redundant—I lost two jobs in one hit, but could take early retirement. My pension: 800 pounds a month. Try and live on that. Lucky for me, a cleaning job opened up in my five-story block. I took it—another 800 pounds. Still kept my weekend packing and cleaning shift at the supermarket—they paid well, about £120 for a shift. The standing all day was tough. I started to renovate the kitchen, bit by bit. Did it myself, ordered the units from a neighbour—he did a decent job at a fair price. I began saving again. Wanted to refresh the bedrooms, swap out some furniture. Plans, always plans… but none ever included myself! What did I ever spend on me? Food—basic stuff, and I never ate much. And medicine—lots on that. Rent keeps climbing every year. My ex said, “Sell the flat, it’s a good area. You’ll get a good price, buy yourself a one-bedroom.” But I can’t bear to—my grandmother’s memory. My parents died young, she raised me. The flat is my life’s history. My ex and I managed to keep a friendly enough relationship. We talk like old mates. He’s doing well. Never speaks about his private life. Once a month he turns up with heavy groceries—potatoes, veg, rice, bottled water—refuses money. Says delivery isn’t worth it, they always send rubbish. I just agree. Inside, something feels frozen—a knot in my chest. I just keep going, working a lot. No dreams. Nothing I want for myself. I see my daughter and her kids on Instagram, my son’s life flashes by in his wife’s Insta stories. I’m glad they’re all fine—happy, healthy, enjoying trips, eating in nice places. Maybe I didn’t give them enough love. So there’s none in return. My daughter checks in sometimes—asks how I am. I always say “all’s well.” Never complain. My son sends WhatsApp voice notes, “Hi Mum, hope you’re good.” He once told me he didn’t want to hear about dad and my problems—negativity upsets him. So I stopped sharing, stick to “all’s fine, son.” I’d love to hug my grandchildren, but suspect they barely know I exist—a pensioner cleaner grandma. Most likely, to them, I’m already long gone. I can’t even remember buying anything for myself. Some underwear and socks now and then, cheapest possible. Never had a manicure or pedicure… Once a month I get my hair cut at the local place, dye my own hair. The only plus—I’ve kept the same size, 14/16, all my life. No need to update my wardrobe. My biggest fear is that one morning I won’t be able to get up—my spine aches constantly. I’m so afraid of being immobile. Maybe I shouldn’t have lived this way: no rest, no little joys, always working, always putting everything off for “later.” But where is “later?” It’s gone… My soul feels empty, my heart completely numb… everything around me is empty too… I don’t blame anyone. But I can’t blame myself, either. I’ve worked all my life, and still do. I squirrel away a little rainy day fund, just in case. Not much, but something. Though, let’s be honest—I know if I’m bedridden, I won’t want to live… don’t want to be anyone’s burden. And do you know what’s saddest? No one ever gave me flowers. Not once in my life. Wouldn’t it be something if someone finally brings fresh flowers—for my grave? Honestly, it would be almost funny…

The Syndrome of A Life Forever Postponed

Recollections of a 60-Year-Old Woman

Margaret:

This year I turned sixty. Not one family member phoned to wish me happy birthday, let alone mark the occasion of my milestone.

I have a daughter and a son, a grandson and a granddaughter, and an ex-husband still somewhere out there. My daughter is forty, my son thirty-five.

Both live in London, having graduated from reputable universities in the city. Bright, accomplished, the pair of them. My daughter married a senior civil servant, my son wed the daughter of a well-known London businessman. They both enjoy thriving careers, own several properties, and each runs a small business on top of their official work. All is steady in their lives.

My former husband disappeared as soon as our son finished university, claiming he was weary of our frantic existence. Odd, as he quietly held a single post, spent weekends socialising or lounging at home, and took month-long holidays visiting relatives in Devon. MeI never took time off. I held three jobs at once: as an engineer at the factory, cleaning for management there, and, come weekends, packaging goods at the local supermarket from eight to eight, plus tidying offices and storerooms.

Every penny I earned went to the childrenLondons no cheap city, and study at esteemed institutions calls for decent attire, proper meals, and some enjoyable outings. I learnt to mend old clothes, sometimes refashioning them, and to patch up worn shoes. Presented myself clean and neat, which was enough. The only pleasure I afforded myself was dreams: occasionally, in sleep, I saw myself young, joyful, laughing.

No sooner had my husband left than he bought himself a flash new carobviously, he’d saved a tidy sum. Odd days those were: all the expenses fell to me, except the rent, which he coveredthat was his sole contribution. I saw the children through university

We lived in a flat passed down from my grandmothera sturdy, well-kept period home with high ceilings. Two rooms converted into three. There was a storeroom of eight square metres with a window; I renovated it so it comfortably held a bed, desk, wardrobe, shelves. My daughter claimed that space. My son and I shared a roomthough I was only there to sleep, coming home late every night. The husband took the lounge. When my daughter moved to London, I took over the storeroom. My son remained in the bedroom.

We parted from my husband quietlyno shouting, no wrangling over possessions, no blame thrown. He wanted to LIVE, not merely exist; I was so worn out, I rather sighed with relief. No longer did I need to prepare three courses and pudding and tea; no laundry, no ironing, no folding and hanging up, just time I could use to rest.

By then, Id collected a host of ailments: my back, my joints, diabetes, my thyroid, utter nervous exhaustion. For the first time, I took holiday from my main job and focused on getting betterthough I didnt quit my extra work. Eventually, I recovered a bit.

Hired a skilled tradesman who, with his mate, swiftly renovated my bathroom in two weeks. It was blissa happiness just for me! Personal happiness!

All those years, I sent my successful children money rather than gifts for birthdays, Christmas, Mothers Days and Fathers Days. Later, for my grandchildren too. So, quitting my side jobs wasnt feasible. I left nothing for myself. They seldom wished me well on holidaysusually only in reply to my own greetings. No presents came my way.

What hurt most: neither my son nor my daughter invited me to their weddings. My daughter admitted, Mum, you wouldnt fit in. Itll be civil service folk, people from the Prime Ministers office I only heard of my sons wedding from my daughter after the fact. At least no one asked me for money for the events.

None of my children visit, despite my constant invitations. My daughter remarked theres nothing for her in our backwaternever mind that our provincial city boasts a million souls. My son always says, Mum, I just havent got the time! Flights to London are seven times a daytwo hours, straight shot!

How would I describe that stretch of my life? A time of suppressed emotions, perhaps. I lived like Scarlett OHaraIll think about that tomorrow Stifling tears and pain, dulling everything from confusion to despair. I moved through life almost robotic, programmed to work.

Then, the factory was bought out by Londoners, and reorganisation began. Those nearing retirement were let go; I lost two jobs at once, but could take early retirement because of the layoff. My pension was £700 a month Try surviving on that.

By sheer luck, a cleaning job opened up in our blocka four entrance, five-storey affair. Began cleaning the hallsanother £700 each month. Kept my supermarket job at weekends, the pay good£110 per shift. Hardest part was being on my feet all day.

Started slowly doing up my kitchenmanaged it myself, had the neighbour install the cabinets. He was quick and reasonable. Began saving again, hoping to freshen up the rooms, maybe swap some furniture. I had plans though, notably, none involving myself! What did I spend on me? Simple food, never indulged, just the basics. Medicinesspent a lot there. Rent climbed ever higher every year. The ex-husband said, Sell your three-room flatthe areas desirable, you’d get a solid price. Buy yourself a single.

But I couldnt bear to. It’s my grandmothers legacyshe raised me after my parents died, and that flat is so dear, holding all the memories of my life.

I kept an amicable friendship with my exa cordial chat now and then. Hes fine. Never speaks of love or his private life. Monthly, he pops round, brings groceries: potatoes, veg, grains, bottled waterthe heavy stuff. Wont take money. Says delivery services will only send rotten goods. I agree.

Inside me, something is frozena tight knot. I just keep on, working and living. Hope for nothing, want nothing for myself. I glimpse my daughter and grandchildren only in her social media. My sons life flashes up in his wifes posts. Im glad they thrive, that theyre well, enjoying trips and fine restaurants.

Perhaps, I didnt give them enough love. Maybe thats why they havent any for me. My daughter sometimes asks how I amI always say Im fine, never complain. My son sends the odd voice message: Hi Mum, hope all’s well.

Once, long ago, my son told me he didnt want to hear about problems with his fatherit brought him down. So, I stopped sharing anything, sticking to, Yes son, alls well.

I sorely wish to hug my grandchildren, but I suspect they dont know their grandmothers still alivea retired cleaner. Chances are, as far as the family legend goes, their granny passed long ago

I cant remember buying anything just for myselfmaybe the occasional underthings or socks, always the cheapest. Havent been to a salon, never for a manicure or pedicure. Once a month, I pop into the barber next door for a trim, dye my own hair. The one blessingmy dress size hasnt changed since youth, so my wardrobe needs no refreshing.

Im terribly afraid, though, that one morning I wont be able to get out of bedthe constant back pain torments me. Terror of being immobilised is always there.

Maybe I ought not to have lived sono rest, no small joys, just endless work, always pushing everything off until later. But where is later? Its gone Inside, an emptiness fills my soul, indifference in my heart and all around me, just silence.

I dont blame anyone. Nor can I reproach myself. I worked all my life, and I still do, setting aside a small nest egg in case I cant continue. It’s not much, but something. Yet, to be honest, if I end up bedridden, I wont want to go on I dont wish to burden anyone.

Do you know the saddest thing? Not once in my whole life has anyone given me flowers. Not ever. Imagine the comedyif someone should lay fresh blooms on my grave honestly, it would be enough to make a dead woman laugh.

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The Syndrome of a Life Forever Put on Hold… Confessions of a 60-Year-Old Woman Helen: This year I turned 60. Not a single family member called to wish me a happy milestone birthday. I have a daughter and son, a grandson and granddaughter. Even my ex-husband is still around. My daughter is 40, my son is 35. Both live in London, both graduated from prestigious universities. Bright, successful, settled. My daughter is married to a high-ranking official, my son to the daughter of a major London business leader. Both have strong careers, own several properties, and besides their government jobs, run businesses of their own. Everything is stable. My ex-husband left when our son finished uni. Said he was tired of our lifestyle—though his own life was quiet and routine, with weekends spent lounging or out with friends, and month-long holidays with relatives down in the south. I, meanwhile, never took a proper holiday. I juggled three jobs—engineering at a factory, cleaning the offices there, and packing groceries in the local supermarket every weekend from 8 till 8, plus cleaning staff rooms. Every penny went to our children—living in London isn’t cheap, and top-tier education meant sharp clothes, decent food, entertainment. I taught myself to make do with old clothes, mending and reworking pieces, fixing my shoes. I was always clean, presentable. That was enough. My only entertainment was dreaming—sometimes I’d see myself laughing, young, and happy in my sleep. The moment my husband left, he bought a new, luxury car—clearly, there were funds saved up. Our shared life was always odd: besides paying the rent, all expenses fell to me. As for the children’s education, that was my job too. The flat we lived in came from my grandmother. A classic, spacious city apartment with high ceilings, converted from two bedrooms to three. There was a box room with a window, 8.5 square meters—I renovated it, made it cozy for my daughter. My son and I shared a room, but I only came home to sleep. My husband had the lounge. When my daughter moved to London, I had the box room. My son kept the bedroom. Our separation came without drama or dividing up property, no accusations. He wanted to LIVE, not just exist, and I was so worn down, I was actually relieved: no more cooking multi-course meals, washing his clothes and bedding, ironing and putting it all away—I could use that time to rest. By then my health had crashed: spine, joints, diabetes, thyroid, sheer exhaustion. For the first time I took a break from my main job just to get treatment. Kept the side jobs, of course. Got a little better. I hired a great tradesman—he and his mate gave me a proper bathroom overhaul in two weeks. For me, it was bliss. My OWN happiness, just for me! All along, I sent money to my successful kids instead of birthday or Christmas gifts, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day. Later, there were presents for my grandchildren too. So giving up side jobs was impossible. There was never money left for myself. I was rarely congratulated, usually only if I sent wishes first. No gifts. The biggest hurt? Not being invited to my kids’ weddings. My daughter put it bluntly: “Mum, you wouldn’t really fit in with our crowd. The President’s office people will be there.” As for my son’s wedding, I only heard about it from my daughter, after the fact… At least they didn’t ask for money for the wedding. Nobody ever visits, though I always invite them. My daughter calls our town “the sticks”—even though it’s a city with a million people. My son says, “Mum, I literally have no time.” There are seven daily flights from here to London—two hours, tops. How would I describe that period of my life? Probably, suppressed emotions… I lived like Scarlett O’Hara— “I’ll think about it tomorrow…” I pushed away tears and pain, pressing down whatever I felt—from confusion to despair. I became a robot, programmed only for work. Then the factory was bought out by Londoners. Reorganisation started. All those near retirement were made redundant—I lost two jobs in one hit, but could take early retirement. My pension: 800 pounds a month. Try and live on that. Lucky for me, a cleaning job opened up in my five-story block. I took it—another 800 pounds. Still kept my weekend packing and cleaning shift at the supermarket—they paid well, about £120 for a shift. The standing all day was tough. I started to renovate the kitchen, bit by bit. Did it myself, ordered the units from a neighbour—he did a decent job at a fair price. I began saving again. Wanted to refresh the bedrooms, swap out some furniture. Plans, always plans… but none ever included myself! What did I ever spend on me? Food—basic stuff, and I never ate much. And medicine—lots on that. Rent keeps climbing every year. My ex said, “Sell the flat, it’s a good area. You’ll get a good price, buy yourself a one-bedroom.” But I can’t bear to—my grandmother’s memory. My parents died young, she raised me. The flat is my life’s history. My ex and I managed to keep a friendly enough relationship. We talk like old mates. He’s doing well. Never speaks about his private life. Once a month he turns up with heavy groceries—potatoes, veg, rice, bottled water—refuses money. Says delivery isn’t worth it, they always send rubbish. I just agree. Inside, something feels frozen—a knot in my chest. I just keep going, working a lot. No dreams. Nothing I want for myself. I see my daughter and her kids on Instagram, my son’s life flashes by in his wife’s Insta stories. I’m glad they’re all fine—happy, healthy, enjoying trips, eating in nice places. Maybe I didn’t give them enough love. So there’s none in return. My daughter checks in sometimes—asks how I am. I always say “all’s well.” Never complain. My son sends WhatsApp voice notes, “Hi Mum, hope you’re good.” He once told me he didn’t want to hear about dad and my problems—negativity upsets him. So I stopped sharing, stick to “all’s fine, son.” I’d love to hug my grandchildren, but suspect they barely know I exist—a pensioner cleaner grandma. Most likely, to them, I’m already long gone. I can’t even remember buying anything for myself. Some underwear and socks now and then, cheapest possible. Never had a manicure or pedicure… Once a month I get my hair cut at the local place, dye my own hair. The only plus—I’ve kept the same size, 14/16, all my life. No need to update my wardrobe. My biggest fear is that one morning I won’t be able to get up—my spine aches constantly. I’m so afraid of being immobile. Maybe I shouldn’t have lived this way: no rest, no little joys, always working, always putting everything off for “later.” But where is “later?” It’s gone… My soul feels empty, my heart completely numb… everything around me is empty too… I don’t blame anyone. But I can’t blame myself, either. I’ve worked all my life, and still do. I squirrel away a little rainy day fund, just in case. Not much, but something. Though, let’s be honest—I know if I’m bedridden, I won’t want to live… don’t want to be anyone’s burden. And do you know what’s saddest? No one ever gave me flowers. Not once in my life. Wouldn’t it be something if someone finally brings fresh flowers—for my grave? Honestly, it would be almost funny…