Subjunctive Mood
A proposal, you say? Hes proposed to you? Julia, have you lost your wits? Whats there to hesitate about?!
Olivia, its really not that simple
Not that simple? Olivia tossed her coat over the chair and plopped herself down at the little table. Whew! I had to leg it! Ive got half an hour, tops, then Im whisking Mary off to ballet and taking Leo to footie.
Olivia, the boys nearly six. How much longer are you going to call him Leo?
He should count himself lucky I use a nickname! Fancy he trottled in from school yesterday, says hes smitten! With Lisa from next door, would you believe. Hes even talking about marriage. How do you like that?
Why not? Seems perfectly fitting for your heir. Think about yourself at that age!
Oh, dont compare! I remember the fright I gave Mum when I announced I was set on getting married. Olivia chuckled. How old was I? Fifteen?
Fourteen! And you gave Mum a right palaver. Mummy, my minds made up! So certain you were! Never mind Paul barely gave you a glance, and that didnt bother you in the slightest.
Well, you know hes my husband now, and Im still paying for my mad crush. Mum couldve given me a stiffer punishment. Would you believe, washing up for the family for a year hardly the ultimate penalty. She shouldve banned me from going out!
As if youd let yourself be grounded. Anyway, Mum knew you wouldnt do anything daft your little performances were all bluster! You always had your wits about you.
Oh yes! Especially when you were involved. Remember our childhood rows? I couldnt stand you! I mean, there you were Julia, the golden girl, and I, Olivia, a proper tearaway.
Mum never said anything like that.
Gran made up for it! Always mumbling Id be in trouble, but look what happened in the end?
Well, I cant exactly say I was the well-behaved one
Julia pushed her teacup aside and sighed.
Jules Olivia reached across to squeeze her hand. Whats going on with you?
Olivia, Im scared
Good heavens, what of? You finally meet an upstanding bloke and now youre getting the jitters! Whats wrong?
Im afraid he wont accept Max.
Olivias smile faded.
Whatever gives you that idea?
Its just after the roses and this ring, he asked if Max could stay with my parents for a while.
Julia turned to the window, nervously rolling the ring around her finger.
It was lovely expensive, too.
Well, one couldnt expect otherwise from Charles, Julias suitor. Successful in business, athletic, a lover of music and, to his own surprise, recently settled, because hed met Julia. Hed always remembered his mothers lesson:
Son, a woman can put up with hardship if her partners fallen on tough times. But itll weigh heavy on her mind if a man with means chooses not to share. If she imagines a life with you, her first thought is: If he can be tight-fisted with me now, wont he be the same with my child later?
But Mum, why should she think of children?
Son, remember the story of poor Elsie? Women, for the most part, have a touch of Elsie about them. Were born to look far into the future. Its not always for the best, but a woman who thinks ahead lessens her chances of coming a cropper in life.
Charles always took his mothers words to heart. He had grown up with a strong mother, someone who could rebuild herself when life sent her to the brink. Charless father had divorced her soon after his birth, found new love, and sent mother and baby packing. With nowhere to go, Charless mother Margaret set about making their way.
Her parents were out in the country, in a Norfolk village, and she was in no hurry to go back. Shed counted down the hours until leaving home for university in a house where the only thing of value was a bottle of gin, thered been little to keep her. Shed worked hard, lived in digs, and done what she must.
She married out of pragmatism, but she never told her son that. Why put that on the boys mind? Perhaps for that very reason, when she wound up on the street with her child, she simply carried on.
It wasnt easy finding work, but Margaret managed, thanks to friends. Soon she was housekeeper for an elderly professor Mr. Alexander Palmer recently widowed and lonely.
Mr Palmer, its time for your tea. shed say, setting soup before him.
Later, my dear Margaret, later
Certainly not. Now, please.
You think so?
I know so! You must eat.
But Im not hungry.
Think of childhood meals. For your father, for your mother
My gran used to say that
Well, think of me as your gran then. Youre a bright man, but you dont have all the answers! A person cant live on thin air. Your late wife wouldnt forgive me for letting you go to rack and ruin.
You really do sound like my gran If only youd avoided mentioning the late wife bit, youd have been perfect.
Did your gran say such things? Well, she knew some things are for a time, others are for ever.
Margaret, youre a philosopher.
Not at all! I havent time for philosophies. Have you finished? Right, I must see to Charles.
Yes, yes A boy needs good meals.
Professor Palmer had no children of his own and quickly grew attached to Margarets little Charles, so much so that one day he made a rather bold gesture. He called for Margaret, sat her down, and paced about, thinking out loud.
Margaret, please either tell me whats on your mind or let me get on. Ive laundry and dinner to see to.
Margaret! finally Mr Palmer spoke, eyes on his wifes portrait above the desk. Id like to offer you my hand and all I can give you and Charles. I know my heart is gone to another, but that doesnt mean I cant do all I can for the boy whos become like a son. Now wait! Dont interrupt. Ive considered this greatly. Youre unprotected in this world no home, no means to raise and educate your son. Please, think it over. Im an old man and everything I have may be yours and Charless one day. I have no heirs. Distant relations dont count, weve not spoken in years. I always thought you a sensible woman. So use your good sense. Take some time, consider my proposal.
Margaret didnt answer right then. She searched his eyes, thought long and hard, then nodded.
Thank you. I know what this means to you. I accept not for me, but for Charles. Youre right. He deserves a better future.
A quiet registry office marriage followed months later, and Charles gained a father in truth, not just on paper.
A year later, Margaret asked Mr Palmer if she could attend university.
Quite right, Margaret! Educations essential. If only as an example to the lad.
Margaret would nod, but shed set her sights on something else completely. She had no plans to wash floors for life she aspired for more.
A few years later, she had a degree and started her own small cleaning service, catering to private parties. Business was good, and Margaret worked with gusto. She had full peace of mind about her son Professor Palmer doted on him as if he were his own.
Charless birth father relinquished any rights without protest, at Margarets first request.
Found yourself someone new? On your way, then! Just dont speak badly of me to the boy. Or, better yet dont mention me at all.
Margaret honoured his wish. Charles learned Professor Palmer was not his biological father only after the old man died.
By then, Charles was nineteen. Margaret explained the truth.
Mum, but he loved me
So very much, son. Sometimes, a man loves his not-quite-own child more than a blood relation ever could. You gave him the chance to be a father. He loved you as his son. No even more so. There arent words enough in any dictionary for the bond you shared. Blood isnt the key to acceptance and love. Now I know that for certain. Your real father never once asked after you, all these years. But Alexander gave us a home, security, and most important of all, son freedom. Freedom from bitterness. And that really is something.
Margaret spoke truly she bore no grudge, only gratefulness for lifes twists. Without that rash divorce, her sons fate wouldve been so different.
She moved to the countryside, leaving the city flat to Charles, and looked forward to grandchildren.
But the years went by and Charles struggled to find the right woman.
Charles, why so picky? Margaret would say. How many girls have you brought home already?
Plenty, Mum.
Exactly! And all of them clever! Remember Alice or Lydia? Why not them?
I dont know, Mum. They arent my people, somehow. Alice is a brilliant lawyer, shed be a credit to any business, but she only cares about her career. No interest in children or home. You shouldve seen her flat straight off a magazine page! All pristine. The thought of even sipping coffee there would petrify you. With Alice, Id spend my life lining up socks by colour and marching to a strict timetable.
Oh, is that so awful?
Unbearable, Mum. Id suffocate by the second minute. Why bother?
And Lydia?
Lydias wonderful, but I dont love her. Is that enough reason for you?
More than enough.
Well then.
Margaret cheered when Julia entered her sons life. He wasnt a boy any longer, she thought; time for a family. And Julia having a child didnt bother Margaret one bit.
Charles, are you really prepared for the responsibility?
Mum, you raised me! Dont you trust your own example? I suppose my only worry
What?
What if her boy wont accept me?
Dont be daft! Win over the child first thats how youll win the mothers heart. Any mother worth her salt will always put her child first.
Mum!
Oh, come off it! Dont tell me Ive shocked you. Sometimes you must call a spade a spade. Ask her to marry you, make a real effort with her son. If theres no father in the picture, youve got every chance. Just be sure you see this through a childs life is no plaything! Julia is strong, shell manage if you abandon her, but that little boy Think well, son, and do right by them both!
Charles followed his mothers advice and, by all accounts, the plan was working. Now Julia sat in her favourite café, wondering about her next move. She loved Charles, but she couldnt live with a man who wouldnt accept Max.
Olivia wriggled in her seat, wondering whether to scold her sister or not. Finally, she couldnt hold back.
Well, what did he actually say?
Who? Julia surfaced from her thoughts, looking perplexed.
Who else Charles! What did he say when he asked you to send Max to your parents?
Nothing concrete. He just wanted Max to stay with them for a week after the wedding.
In an uncharacteristic outburst, Julia flung her teaspoon onto the table, making the waiter look over. Olivia shook her head alls well. Calmly, she picked up the spoon, licked the milk froth, then tapped Julia on the head just like she did when they were little.
Ouch! said Julia, rubbing her forehead at Olivias giggles. Youre impossible! Itll leave a lump!
Of course not! Im an expert, remember?
Oh, I remember! Why are you acting up, Olivia? Were grown women!
Exactly. We stopped being girls when? When you found out you were having Max? Or before?
Maybe a bit before
Quite right! As Gran said, young and reckless! Youve learnt nothing, have you?
What are you on about? Julia snatched the spoon, held it to her forehead. Itll bruise
Little make-up and youre fine! Tell me, sis, what if you had spoken about your thing with Nick back then? Not to Mum or Dad but at least to me?
I dont know But whats the use of ifs and maybes now? Whats done is done.
Theres a thought that nags me, though.
Whats that?
I keep wondering what sort of earthquake itll take to get you to talk to the people who love you.
Julia sighed, setting the spoon down.
Maybe youre right
Not maybe I am right, Julia! Shall I remind you how Max arrived?
Please dont I havent forgotten!
I think you have.
Julia turned away and took a deep breath. Her sister could be insufferable, but this time, Olivia was spot on. Max came into the world not because of, but despite so many obstacles, and her sister knew it.
Shed gone to school with Nick, Maxs father. Swooned whenever he glanced her way, lived for the day hed say Hi! Arrived early each morning to stand by the mirror near the entrance, sure hed walk by and say the magic word. That hed say it to others, too, didnt bother her then. The harsh truth about idols shed discover much later.
In time, Nick did notice her. On the last day of school, he took her hand and led her out, knowing full well thered be no parents at home to interrupt.
Why she agreed, Julia herself couldnt later say. Shed always been open with her mother, except about her first love, about which she kept as silent as stone. And on a family trip, sitting by the Thames, she agonised over her secret. It was now too large to hide, as the river itself, which somehow soothed her: See, girl I began as a thin stream, struggled and grew, and look at me now! So can you, if you dont shrink back. If you give life, even if it means everything only to you
She realised almost at once that Nick had used her, but kept hoping hed come round. She put off telling her parents, until time ran out.
Olivia, watching her closely, roped in their cousin Paul and his mates, and one evening hugged her without a word, ignoring her confusion.
Jules! Never mind what happened! And forget him not even worth a word! Hes had his say and thats that.
Had who? Olivia! What are you on about? Julia tried to shake her off, but nerves overwhelmed her. She fainted, missing their mothers frightened rush into the room.
She soon came to, lying still with her eyes closed, while her mother stroked her cheek with wet hands.
Why didnt you say, Julia? Did you think silence would help?
Mother and daughter sobbed together, then with Olivia too, until Julias father arrived from work.
Whats this, Niagara Falls? he exclaimed, and when he found out, he threw his arms wide. Girls, have you all lost your minds? We should be celebrating! Well be grandparents! Julia, thats enough drama, its not good for you!
Never before or since did Julia feel that mix of gratitude and relief as she did that day. She was mortified, but to be accepted by her family, no matter what, filled her with strength.
And so Max was born into a home where there wasnt the usual mum and dad, but there was love. And, thanks to her parents support, Julia not only qualified as a teacher but built a solid life for herself and her son. The arrival of Charles shook that hard-won certainty, so her doubts were perfectly fair.
Did she really want to risk Maxs future for her own desires?
Shed made one reckless choice before what had come of it? If not for her parents and Olivia who helped with Max despite sitting her A-levels who knows how it might have gone? She already had a family; could she hope for a better one?
Her thoughts mustve been written all over her pained forehead, because Olivia, still laughing, waved to the waiter.
Could we get another spoon, and repeat the dessert, please? Nurse the nerves
She nudged over a plate of eclairs Julias favourite and shook her head.
Julia, my dear, you need to learn to speak honestly to the people who care for you. Especially Charles. I think hes the sort you can rely on. Just ask him why he wants Max to stay with your parents. Is it really so hard?
Im not sure Maybe youre right and it isnt. Just ask?
Yes! Simply ask. Right now!
Olivia suddenly leaned and snatched Julias phone.
Go on, call!
Olivia! Hes in a meeting!
Perfect time to see how much you matter!
You cant ask me to
Rubbish! If you wont call, send a text.
What will he think of me?
Who cares? Julia! Youve got his ring youve accepted, havent you? Or are you still dithering?
Im thinking
Well, if you didnt refuse at once, youve accepted! How will you manage a proper relationship with someone youre too shy to question? He cant read your mind. Spell it out! Stop with the speculation take a decision!
If only I knew what I wanted Julia was near tears but took the phone from her sister. Just ask?
Just ask, Olivia sighed.
The reply was swift. Julias phone chimed, a sweet little trill, and the display made her smile.
So? Is it clear now? Olivia grinned, glancing at her watch. Oh crumbs, Im late! Some are off to the seaside Ive only errands! Chin up, sis! Its all turning out right a week alone together, then together as a family. Remember, youre more than just a mother; youre a woman too. I could envy you! Paul would never have thought of that. Anyway, ta-ra! And have a word with Max I think hes not at all opposed to calling Charles Dad.
Do you think so?
I know it! Not that you heard it from me.
Olivia seized her coat and rushed for the door. At the threshold, she turned, stuck out her tongue at her sister and tapped her forehead. Think about it, she meant.
Julia did.
And the result of all her thinking bore fruit.
Three years later, proud Max took his newborn sister into his arms and thanked the man hed called Dad for years now.
Careful, Max! Julia stepped forward, but Charles held her close, keeping her from interfering in this first meeting of brother and sister.
Dont worry. Itll all be fine! Wont it, son?
Dad, honestly! Max gently lifted the lace on her little gown, one he and his father had picked with care, and smiled. Mum, shes lovelyThe tiny girls hand twitched, her fist grasping the air. Max leaned close so she could sense his warmth, his pride, his silly, bubbling excitement. He whispered, so only she would hear:
Welcome home, little one. Im your big brother. Ill show you everything.
Julia stood back, tears slipping down without shame, as Charles hugged her tight, anchoring her. Beside them, her parents pressed in, Olivia snapping gleeful photos, grinning as if all her own birthdays had come at once. Outside the window, a salted sweep of spring light made even the city shine.
In that instant, Julias heart spanned every path that had brought her herethe silent fears, the bold hopes, her sisters meddling love, her parents arms. And she knew, at last, there were questions worth asking, and courage in simply asking.
But there was something even finer in the answers found together.
Max cradled his sister, Charless hand steady at his backfamily, not by chance, but by hundreds of bright, brave choices, day by ordinary, glorious day.
And Julia, watching her sons careful tenderness, felt her own answer settle deep and certain inside: love was never subjunctive. It was, and would beunequivocal, always.
