Oh, how dour you are, Walter Ingram! No wonder everyone calls you the Lone Wolf. Not for nothingyou wouldnt crack a smile if your life depended on it. A look is all it takes to put the fear of God into anyone. What happened to you, eh? Is life truly so joyless for you?
Paula was still prattling away, but I had already stopped listening. I picked up my shopping from the only shop in the villagegood old Millerswickand headed for the door.
Lenora turned up at her mothers just this weekbrought the boy with her. You hear me, Mr Ingram? And what if hes your lad, after all? Going to let another fatherless child wander these roads? He looks just like you!
Her words chased me right onto the step. I nearly tripped over the low stoop but didnt look back. What would have been the point? You cant prove anything in these parts. Lives are lived out in public, as everyone feels entitled to an opinionand theyll always make up what they dont know. Thats just the way here. You wont explain nor convince. Nor should you try. Its between me and Lenora. No need for others to meddle.
The spring sun was unnaturally fierce, washing my face in gold and forcing me to shut my eyes. My heavy eyelids drooped, and, just like that, I felt my face turn to fine, chiselled stone. Without opening my eyes, I stepped out, once then twice, only to jolt at the sound of a childs shout.
Careful!
A boy dashed up to the shop steps, scooping two puppies out of the way.
Mind you dont squash them, sir!
He had a slightly peeling nose, dark eyes under heavy lids, ears sticking out a little just like mine. The likeness was uncanny; no wonder the village gossips were so sure. Except I knew, for absolute certain, that the boy eyeing me wasnt my son. Related, perhaps, but hardly.
Would you like a pup, sir? Look at its pawswolfish, arent they? Big, strong!
All I managed was a slight shake of my head, and then I wandered off, down a lane I didnt mean to take, simply because it was closer. There, my strength failed me. I leaned against the tall Byron fence, hungry for air, no idea how I could bear another day like this.
Why did she come back again? Why bring that boy, who could have been my lad if only things had turned out otherwise? Did Oliver truly leave her?
My thoughts crowded together, giving me not a moments rest, while my heart drummed out its miseryjust as it had seven years ago. It remembered everything and refused to quiet. But why tell all this to anyone? Its oursmine and Lenoras. Not for prying ears and wagging tongues.
Suddenly, the side gate banged and Lucy Byron appeared, brows raised in concern.
Walt, whats wrong? You feeling bad? Let me help youor fetch Isaac?
Her warm hands skimmed my shoulders, and I opened my eyes.
No, Lucy, thank you. Ill just… go
Go where, my dear? Come on, lean on me. Thats right. Take it slow. Well done. Lord, you are heavy! Mr Ingram, you cant let your heart get the better of you! Wholl be to blame then? Me! Theyll say I neglected youmy own patient! Dont do that. Ill check your blood pressureand give you a jab, or two, at least. Youll be right as rain after, all fresh and crisp. Off we goone step at a time.
My legs refused to cooperate, but Lucy was strong. She all but dragged me to her house, shut the gate behind us with a shove, and called out:
Isaac! Help me out here!
Everything after that blurred. I woke up on Lucys settee, something weighing down my chest, making it hard to breathea heart attack, I feared. But when I opened my eyes, I managed a weak smile.
Lucy’s smoky tabby was curled beside me, cleaning a kitten, whilst the rest squirmed about on my chest.
Misty never brings her kittens to just anyone, Walt. If shes trusting you with them, youre a good soul. Shed not trust another.
Lucy set aside her daughters exercise books, clucked about me, and fussed over my pulse.
There, you see. Nearly back to yourself. Dont frighten me like that again, Walt. Theres no getting the doctor here with these muddy roads. And what were you thinking, giving up already? Theres plenty left for you to do.
What could be left, Lucy? Just Belle and Duke now. Thats all my business.
Belles the finest cow in Millerswick, you know. She needs looking after. If you take to your sickbed, what then?
Only now did I notice that the thick curtains were still drawn and the lights on.
Whats the time, Lucy?
Lie back! Its late. Im not letting you walk home tonight. Youll stay here. Dont worrymet Belle when I fed her; shes fine.
Lucy put away her stethoscope, gave her husband a brief hug as she passed, and headed for the kitchen. Isaac sat down with a sigh next to me.
Youre unwell?
Something like that. Dont know whats got into me.
I do. Lenora.
Dont torment me, Isaac. I turned my head, meeting Mistys green, watchful eyes.
Even Misty knows, you see. Isaac scratched the cats ear. Animals can tell, Walt. She brought all her kittens to you to settle you. Sat by you for ages while Lucy tried to bring you round, and only fetched her kittens once you were asleepcarried them over, one by one. Animals think with the heart. Sometimes I wonder if we shouldnt do the same. Bottling things up, carrying onyou cant carry the world. Youre a wise man, can handle yourself, ask no one for advice. Still I see how you suffer, Walt. Like that cat there.
And you, Isaac, dont you have enough on your own plate?
Plenty! He smoothed his moustache. But when I needed help, you didnt askyou just gave it. Thats what counts, Walt. If I can return the favour even a little, let me.
What help is there, Isaac?
My gran used to saysometimes you need to pour your troubles out. Speak them to someone, or dig a hole and shout into it. If you dont, youll burn up insidegrief and ashes. Youve kept it in too long. I never asked, especially when you lived up in the woods, but todaywatching Lucy try to bring you roundwell, theres no need to wait any more. Lone Wolf you may be, Walt, but were not wolves. Were people. No man is an island. How long have I known you, eh? Since your family came here. You joined uswhatYear Seven?
Year Eight
Which means Good Lord, Walt, were going grey and still keeping secrets from each other. Were together, but when trouble comes, we scatter to our corners and say nowt. Forgive meI should have spoken to you long ago. If you want rid of me, say the word. If notlet me listen. You know Im no gossip.
I know I reached out, stroked the wriggling kittens. What is there to say, Isaac? Im ashamed. No man should admit these things. You saw how I loved Lenorathe whole village saw. Was after her since schooldays, rushed back from the army for her. She waited You stood beside us at the registry office. You know all that.
I do. But what came between you? What happened? I know you loved her, and still do.
I turned away, but the tears wouldnt come. Id cried them all already, wandering the forest like a madman. Id yelled for her, fell to frozen earth and wept like a child. Couldnt forgive, nor live without her.
I can think of only one reason for you two to split, but I never believed Lenora would betray you. Thats not her.
I sucked in a breath, and my black eyesthose old Ingram eyesmet Isaacs.
I saw them. With my own eyes. Wouldnt have believed it otherwise
Isaac gasped, shaking his head.
I dont believe it. Tell me exactly how it was. Somethings off here.
It was all off, Isaac. The whole business. She lied to me, saying I was the only one, but meanwhile Because of her, I lost not only my wife, but my family as well. The Ingrams believe in their own strength. Wheres a mans strength if his wife chooses another? None at all. Nor am I anything now
Oh, dont make such judgments yet. We need all the facts.
What facts? Remember when I went to the city for business? Gone nearly two months. We were going to set up our own little farm, bottle milk for the local spa hotelLenoras idea, she knew her horses inside out, remember her father? She sent me to town, to make contacts. I went. And while I was gone
If thered been some village talk, Id know. You cant keep secrets in Millerswick. If anything had happenedLucy or someone would have heard.
How would you know? It all happened in our home. Who airs such things? Sorry, Isaac, its difficult to talk about. Too many years with a stone in my chestits a mountain now.
Isaac coughed in disbelief.
But who with? Surely not
With Oliver. My cousin. Hed just come to the village with his mother, planning to settle here. They lived with my parents for a while. You rememberwe were finishing up the house, planning the farm, thinking of starting a family. Lenora wanted children more than anything. We tried for a while, but nothing came. Thought wed leave it to fate. Fate deliveredbut not to me
Ive seen the lad. Fine boy. Isaac slapped his neck and frowned. Still, I cant believe it was her choice!
But how can there be doubt? I saw it myself. I tried to sit, but Misty yowled so fiercely she sounded like a lioness. She held me down by my shirt, claws snagging the blanket, grabbing a wayward kitten by the scruff. Sorry, cat. I didnt mean to
I gathered up the kittens beneath my hands.
Natures way, Isaac. A mother always protects her own. Lenora so wanted childrenI refused to see the doctor, couldnt believe the fault might be mine. But she went her own way. If not me, another
Stop torturing yourself! Youve built a whole case and boxed yourself in!
Ive had plenty of time.
Are you quite sure? Its odd, you hiding out in the woods all that time.
Dont you start! I raised my voice, but Lucy appeared in the doorway and I calmed. I can do basic sums. Things didnt add up. Olivers mother visited when Lucy gave birthexplained everything.
So what did you find when you came back from town? Was it so cut and dried?
They were clinging to each other in the kitchen. Oliver kissed her. She didnt fight him! I saw it. With my own eyes My voice broke, and Isaac shot a worried glance at Lucy, busying herself with another injection.
Youll rest now, Walt. Then we can talk. You need sleep.
I nodded, finally letting the tears fall, and soon slept deeply.
Isaac beckoned Lucy into another room.
Did you hear it all?
All of it.
Thoughts?
Im going out. Time to turn this tale from secret to story. Lenoras wasting away. And her son needs his dad. Im going to talk to Walts aunt and then Lenora. His hearts not good, and hes almost spent!
Lucy pulled on her coat and left. Isaac sat back on the step, lit a cigarette, and thought.
Life is cruel. You think youve caught happiness by the tail, but before you know it, all you have is one stray feather. Lucy and meweve seen it all. Lost parents, lost our boy. The twins came five years after wed all but given up hope. Lucy never forgave herself for missing the signs in our son. Even after everyone said it wasnt her fault, she still blamed herself. When she fell pregnant with the twins, she was terrified, not joyful. It took all my persuasion to keep her together. Maybe thats why she pains so much for Lenoras boy. She sees what a child suffers, missing a parentthe mother fading, the boy left alone, strength absent. A proper family would hold him up, but here? Everyone scattered, and hes left standing alone. God-given, but not much loved.
He sat there a long time, checking on me twice; I sleptfitfullybut I slept. He waited for Lucy, dawn breaking before she was home.
When the gate finally banged, he stood, shaking off sleep to greet her. Under the porch light, he saw her face, hugged her wordlessly, and asked:
Is it bad?
Oh, Isaac Some people are just monsters
Lucys tears came freely, like her girls, palms smeared across her face. She was desperate to share what shed learnt.
Its Walts son! I know it. His aunt, Tamara, admitted everything.
How on earth did you manage that? Isaac searched her eyes. Shes been silent all these years.
I dont really know. Maybe shes not all bad. Or maybe I frightened her. I was fuming when I came from Lenora! I went to Tamara first. She told me her side. Lenora told me hershow, that day, Walt found them. Shes innocent. She was already pregnantjust hadnt told him. Three miscarriages before, hiding even from her husband. Walt and Lenorathe Lone Wolvesthey trusted no one, suffered in silence, and look at the cost!
Lucys voice rose, and Isaac cradled her again.
And after that?
Tamaras guiltshe concocted everything. Shed envied her sister since they were girls. Her sister, prettier, livelier, got all the lads attention, and picked the very man Tamara adored. Resentment festered. She stewed in it for years. Marched off, married any man whod have her, had Oliver, but never found peace. When she returned, widowed and alone, and was taken in by Walts mum, she plotted to shatter the family. That was her revenge. And she succeeded. Walts family nearly broke. Lenora was heartbroken, too, couldnt forgive. In the end, Tamara confessed everything. Her own sister slapped her, then sobbed and forgave. Not now, but soon enough.
So you saw Walts mum?
Tamara led me there. She confessed, then turned herself out, ordered away from the villageher and Oliver both. Then Walts mum went to Lenora, to make amends. They made upwept over little Samuel Thats what Lenora named the boy: Samuel, for Walts grandfather.
Isaac hugged Lucy tight, kissing her temple.
You did well, my darling.
Not well enough, Isaac! Not soon enough. Why do we people suffer in silence? A word, a question, a replyyet wed sooner let our hearts eat us up. And now Im so angry! You could fry eggs on me!
Well, I wouldnt say no to breakfast. My stomachs been rumbling all night!
And you probably cant remember where we keep the eggs, can you? Lucy laughed, pinched his cheek, and pulled a face. Go onhave a shave! Youre like sandpaper! Ill see to the pancakes, then the girls will be up, and we can feed Walt, too. Hell need it. Hes got a mountain of work ahead, making up for lost time!
The sun peeped over the horizon, golden, lighting Lucys garden with a kind of promise.
I made my way to the porch, still weak, squinting in the mornings glare, and jumped when a boys voice greeted me.
You my dad, then?
He was sat on the step, clutching the puppy from yesterday.
See? Look at his pawslike a wolfs. Good dog, dont you think?
I breathed deep, settled myself next to the lad, and ruffled the pups head.
Hell be a fine dog. Good choice.
Those dark eyes, as like my own as could be, searched me. Tentatively, I put my hand on the boys shoulder, squeezed gently, and nodded.
I am. Im your dad, Samuel.
Thats all right, then! Come on home. Mums making breakfast, and Grans come, too. Shes promised to take me to see the horses today. Can we?
I realised thenthe grief that had hobbled me, kept my words trapped and my breath short, snapped suddenly and freed me. Something in my chest spread wide; I could breathe, and I could speak my old, steady way. Taking the pup from my son, I stood, nodded, and replied:
We can, son. Now, lets go. Theres plenty for us to doso much to doSamuel leapt up, racing toward the gate, the puppy bounding clumsily after him. I took a moment to steady myself, sunlight warming my tired bones, and watched himso full of hope, eager for the life ahead. My heart thudded out its new rhythm, not of misery, but of something cleaner, something forgiven. The accusations and heartbreak, the wasted years carried in silencethey began to dissolve like frost under spring sun.
Isaac appeared behind me, yawning, mug of tea in one hand. You going back, then, Walt?
I nodded. About time the Lone Wolf found his pack, eh?
Isaac grinned. Told youno one lives forever alone in Millerswick.
Over the gate, I caught sight of Lenoraher hair unbound, pale from worry, but her eyes brighter than I remembered. She held out a hand, as if she too was unsure how to bridge the distance, but behind her stood our mothers, and the kitchen windows steamed with the promise of pancakes and noisy forgiveness.
And in that moment, as Samuel whooped for me to hurry, as Lenora bit her lip and then smiledtentatively, hopefullyI knew I would step forward. I would speak the words wed choked on for years. I would gather what remained and begin again, humble and grateful and wise enough, at last, to accept what love offershowever battered, however late.
Together, we turned toward home. The village might still whisper, and fences might still need mending, but for now, my sons hand was firm in mine, the puppys tail wagged madly, and Lenoras laughtercautious, beautifulled me at last through the open door.
