Emily, youll be the one to blame for his death! Whos to blame? Of course Tommy! Yes, you! Theres nothing surprising about it. And who was that pretty thing sitting on the garden bench yesterday, flashing her bare knees at everyone? How can that be allowed? Tommys delicate sensibilities cant handle that the only naked knees hes ever seen were at school PE, and that was ages ago. So what does it matter that there are plenty of girls in miniskirts? You compared them, you did! Their knees and yours arent the same for Tommy, thats a world apart!
The voice on the other end of the line grew hard: Im not making this up. I can see him now, scribbling a deathwrit. Hes shouting, I cant go on without her! Its in his soul, you hear? Hes saying it and not even looking at me. Id better go for a pint I mean, Ill die! Yes, the word die is crystal clear. How can I not see? Ive got my granddads old field binoculars I can spot anything I want with them!
The phone fell silent for a heartbeat, all that could be heard was the frantic breathing of the woman on the other end: Oh, my poor head! Were late, Emily, were late. Ive taken a sharp knife and Im already stabbing myself blood What, you think youll make it in time? Run, run, save your prince!
Auntie Doris, squinting her shrewd eyes, watched with relish as plump Emily burst into Tommys shabby flat, carrying an unspent love, a wish to feed him a bowl of stew and a dream of a house full of children.
Tommy had no chance. The skinny, dreamy lad lived alone. Six months earlier his mother had remarried and moved to her new husbands house, leaving her beloved son a threebedroom flat and a stern command to get married and start producing grandchildren at least one, and fast. No dillydallying.
Tommy agreed; he liked the idea of a cosy home. But finding a girl proved impossible. A whiz with electronics, he was silent, selfconscious and shy in conversation. He couldnt court anyone himself, and he fled from any aggressive lass faster than a fighter jet. Auntie Doris approved: she didnt want to share a roof with a cheeky neighbour.
Then there was Emily robust, homely, respectable. Not a knockout, but pleasant, with a round freckled face. All she needed was a proper look and a chat, something youngsters nowadays never manage.
All those gadgets blimey, what a nasty word! They only give you snippets of info: a photo or a short clip. And the likes of Nina on TikTok never appear, unlike the clingy brash types Tommy feared like fire. Their makeup like witches at a coven! Modern girls were to Emily what a circus clown is to a ticket seller at the box office. Ask yourself: no matter how sweet the ticket seller, youll remember the clowns goofy face, not hers. You never even exchange a word with the clown, but you do with the ticket seller at least a couple of sentences.
Tommy would glance at neighbour Emily now and then, but he never could work out his happiness. Hed have died a wandering soul, thought Auntie Doris, if not for hunger, cold, and the lack of a womans touch.
At home, Tommy resembled a lost hedgehog in fog. He ate instant noodles and frozen dumplings, if he remembered to pull the pot off the stove in time, and he was a sandwich specialist. He even brewed a decent cup of tea.
Now he was trying to slice a cucumber for a salad when he nicked his finger. He went looking for a bandage and some antiseptic, but at that very moment someone began pounding on the front door. Ignoring the bleeding finger, he threw it open.
Emily, eyes wide with panic, lunged in. What she said, what she tried to convince him of, Auntie Doris never caught. Binoculars dont transmit sound, sadly! Still, clever local Cupid thats Auntie Doris saw a short while later Emily feeding Tommy a hearty stew in her own flat, offering mashed potatoes with meatballs, a beet salad with sauerkraut, and a bowl of compote. From the look on his face, the food was delicious indeed.
Tommys smile widened, his lonely eyes faded, and his lifes aimlessness and insecurities melted away.
A month later the two married. Auntie Doris was invited to the wedding, served a slice of rich fruit cake, and the biggest piece was saved for her. As the bride Emily giggled at the farewell, she asked the old lady: So he was about to die, wasnt he? You said he started stabbing himself, right? Right in the finger! Oh, Auntie Doris, you have no idea how mortified I was when I promised to save him, and he just handed me his finger! Oh, Auntie Doris!
