The further I look back, the more I cherish it…
You know what, my dear grandson! If Im such a burden to you all, theres only one thing to do. I shant go to any more daughters, nor traipse from one friends house to another. And Ive no need to find myself another old chap for company either. Just imagine! At my age, trying to marry me off!
Gran, thats exactly what Mum and I have both been saying! Why not move into the retirement home? All it takes is to sign the house over to me theyll give you a little room, Mum will sort it all. Youll have company, neighbours close by, someone to chat with, and you wont get in my way.
Im not leaving my house for anyone, I said to him, looking him right in the eye. And Ill tell you this, Joseph. If Im such a bother, theres the door and seven roads beyond. Youre young, bright enough go out and find yourself a flat. You live as you please. Didnt want to study? Off to work then. Bring home a new girl every day if you want. Im nearly sixty-five, and peace and quiet is all I need now.
Ive wandered here and there for a couple of years, but I think its time to come back home. Its no way to live, my boy, when you push your own grandmother from her own home and sponge off my pension with your girlfriends. My little stipend isnt made of rubber, you know. So, Ill give you one week find yourself a new place, or go stay with your pals, or that girlfriend whats her name, I keep forgetting but I want her out of my house today. Imagine, first trying to set me up with some gentleman in my twilight years, then trying to pack me off to a retirement home!
Joseph, disgruntled, tried to say something more, but Lydia had no mind to listen. She walked off to her own room and quietly shut the door, her head pounding.
Really, she should take a tablet, but the kitchen was the last place she wanted to go and risk bumping into her grandson. She looked around her small chamber, spied a half-full bottle of mineral water, and thought, Thatll do nicely, just enough for a quick sip.
***
Lydia never expected such resolve from herself, but enough was enough, and it all came tumbling out. Shed kept quiet those endless two years, going to one daughter when called, then the other, and then being subtly told, Dont you think its about time you went back home, Mum?
And then there was Joseph, a twenty-year-old slacker, lording it in her cottage. One day hes in love with Sophie, the next with Alice, and Gran always seems to ruin the moodcoughing behind the wall, breaking the romantic spell.
Gran, why not go stay with someone for a bit? Sophie, Alice, Emily, Kate (circle as appropriate, the girls changed so often), and I, wed love just a few days to ourselves.
So off Lydia would go, to her cousin, an old friend, or a retired colleague. It was all fine at first, each happy to have her, but after her visits became a routine affair twice a week or more, the welcome soon thinned out. Lydia came to realise she was more a burden than a guest.
***
Just at the point when it felt there was no one left to visit, her elder daughter gave birth to a second child. In London, with a mortgage and an older child still at school, her daughter couldnt stay home long, and Lydias help was needed more than ever.
So, Lydia went.
At first everyone was contenthot suppers, tidy house, well-looked-after grandchildren. But not long after, the son-in-lawten years her junior, mindstarted to complain.
Lydia, please, no more of these sausages. Theyre barely fit to eat. And with you home all day, is it really so hard to cook some proper food? Chops, cottage pie
Yes, Lydia, your chops are nice, but you do spend a lot at the shops, you know. Must be more frugal!
And am I a sheep, to live on greens and porridge? Savings are all very well, but theres hardly any meat in my diet as is.
And so it went. You sit at home, Lydia, you could help our Olivia keep up with her studies. Why hire a tutor when Grans here?
And her granddaughterheadstrong firebrand, only ten but with a tongue to match. Gran dresses old-fashioned, it’s embarrassing. And she nags me about homework!
Really, Gran, why did you have to come to us? Youve your own cottage, you should be there, not bossing us around here.
Lydia kept quiet, as always, tried to please them all. Bought the son-in-law his meat from her own meagre pension, slipped her granddaughter pocket money for the embarrassment, even transferred what little she had left to Joseph, idle as ever, just to keep up with the bills while he lazed about.
Complaining to her daughter was pointless the girl was wrapped up in her husband. She must have wanted him terribly, to lead him away from family and have two children by him in her forties.
Occasionally, when home alone, the daughter would murmur, Just hang on, Mum, itll all be worth it for me, and that was that.
Once the youngest granddaughter started nursery, the familys need for Gran vanished overnight. The son-in-law said it clear as day: Thank you, Lydia, but we dont need you anymore. Time you went home.
Home she went, delighted to finally be in charge of her own space again. Shed rise and sleep exactly as she pleasedbut not for long. Joseph, her elder daughters son, was well-entrenched in her cottage by then, and not alone. The cottage was filthy, overdue bills for electricity and water were mounting, and there was a threat of the power being cut.
What else could she do? Took out a loan, cleared the debts, tidied up the place, and breathed easy. But Joseph still wasnt happy. The cottage, just two rooms and a kitchen, was awfully cramped for his liking.
No room for a personal life, he said, with Gran wheezing away behind the partition. Then, as luck would have it, Lydias younger daughter had her baby and called for help once more.
What choice did she have? Off she went again, three months this time, before feeling surplus again. She left before anyone could ask her to. And at home, Joseph still wasnt pleased.
Perhaps Lydia would have endured it all a while longer, if not for what happened on her return.
Again, shed cleaned up her house, kept on top of the bills, but somehow ended up a nuisance to her grandson.
***
Joseph, Im going to a friends today for her birthday, Ill be back late. Lock up, Ill use the back door so as not to disturb you.
Why not stay over there? Why come home and clatter about at night? Stay with her, have a break, give us a rest.
How have you even managed to get tired of me already? Ive only been home a week.
A weeks long enough. Wont you stay at hers?
No, Ill be coming home tonight.
The party was in full swing, starting at a cosy pub and ending back at her friends house. Reminiscing, laughter, not a word of complaint. Lydia was just about to leave when her friend returned from a phone call, wearing a look of concern.
That was your daughter, Hannah, on the line.
Hannah? Why didnt she call me? Is everything alright? Lydia asked, reaching for her phone, but Kate gently stopped her.
No need to ring; all is well. Hannah just asked if Id put you up for the night.
How odd! I told Joseph Id be home.
Joseph called his mum, said he and his girlfriend wanted some time alone, and you were in the way. Thats why Hannah phoned me. Do stay over, Lyd, give the youngsters a break. Besides, you can tell me all your news.
Nothing much going on, I assure you.
You know, Lyd, when all is truly well, children dont call friends to shelter their own mothers for the night. She rang me last week too, asking if I knew any old widower with a flat for you to move in with. Said Joseph wants to get married, but cant with you always underfoot. Theyd rather you shacked up with someone else if you dont want a retirement home.
So Lydia told the whole storyabout living with her elder daughter and never pleasing anyone, about being a hindrance to the younger, and about Joseph, who wanted her out so he could get on with his life. Shed had her own cottage, but for two years now, shed felt an intruder in her own home.
Im not mistress in my own house, Kate. Joseph left for London after school, went to Hannahs, but her husband made it quite clear Joseph wasnt wanted. So, he came back to me. Not called up for National Service, wouldnt study or work. While he was still in school, Hannah sent money, but that dried up at eighteen. Now he just sits there, a dead weight about my neck.
She didnt stay over with Kate, but on returning home, let Joseph hear it all. He complained immediately to his mother that Grannys lost her wits and thrown me out, and Hannah called to give Lydia a piece of her mind. But Lydia said to her daughter just what shed said to Joseph.
Joseph soon packed up and left, telling her not to expect his help and that shed seen the last of him in her house.
And thus Lydia was alonebut she relished the solitude, at last able to breathe easy. Shed spent her life putting others first. While the girls grew, it was one thing after another. Her husbands death left her to manage on her own, and in trying to do right, shed only managed to raise a family of takers.
Its a sad state of affairs, when ones cast from their own home in old age. What sort of life is it, being a stranger in your own cottage?
Joseph, in time, came to his senses and asked for forgiveness. Shed forgiven him long ago, but made it clear he wouldnt be living with her again. Come and visit as often as you please, Joseph dear, but sharing a roof is over. Youre young and have girls on your mind; all I wish for now is peace.
Her daughters call her round to help with the children, but Lydia refuses to go anywhere these days.
Bring them here to me, she says. Ill happily look after them in my own cottage. The airs better, and I have peace. Here, Im in charge and nobody tells me otherwise.
Lydia says, With every year, home feels more like home. And I daresay, shes right.
