Dreamcatcher
Again?! Emma, Emma! Wake up! Shell wake the little ones! huffed Lucy, sliding off her mattress and shaking her sister by the shoulder. When will she ever calm down
Sophie writhed in her sleep, a moan stretching from her lipsso plaintive and mournful it seemed to fill the entire room, extracting your soul and making you peer over your shoulder to see if there was someone standing there.
Like a scene from a bad BBC Christmas ghost story! muttered Emma, peeling off her duvet and, eyes still closed, shuffling towards Sophies bed.
Wrapping her in her own cover and curling up beside her, Emma sang softly:
Rock-a-bye baby, dont drift near the edge She paused. Crikey, Lucy! Rock-a-bye isnt going to cut it. Shes roasting! Wake Mum!
Lucy hovered, hesitated, then sighed and slunk off to the adults room. Well, what else could she do? Sophie was just as much their child as the rest, and Mum would have a proper go at her and Emma if she found out theyd kept something from her.
All was quiet in the master bedroom. Lucy cautiously reached over the cot that, as ever, was drawn up right next to the big bed, and stroked Carolyns shoulder.
Mum
Warm brown eyesjust like Lucys ownflicked open instantly, as if Carolyn hadnt really been asleep at all. Her soft palm covered Lucys fingers.
What is it, love?
Its Sophie, Mum. Shes burning up! Like an iron!
Little Sam whimpered in the cot, and Carolyn began to sing, pitch perfect as Emma had done minutes ago, even as her fingers found Lucys wrist and guided her palm onto Sams back.
Rock-a-bye, hush now
Rock little man, so he doesnt wake. Ill go, she whispered.
Moving easier than anyone whod forced out a trip to Accident & Emergency the week before with a twinge in her back should, Carolyn tiptoed out to the girls room, listening to the warm hush of the sleeping house.
The house was her pride and joy. Shed heard it so often You and David cant keep up with the building work, you know, not with your jobs and all. Or, All that hassle for what, when youre better off in a decent two-bed flat in Croydon?
Relatives had tutted, not shy of hurling out a barbed, Why bother? Its a right palacewithout even any kids running round.
And each time, Carolyns heart would shrink with resentment, and shed drop her head, as if some coldly indifferent fate was pushing it towards the bare rug. Cant be a mother? Not your lot in life? Then youve no business looking the world in the eyehold your pretty head high? For what?
How many times had David found her, eyes downcast after yet another Mother or Aunt lecture, wrapped his arms around her, his cheek finding just the hollow at her neck, as if they were pieced together by design? They could almost read each others thoughts, as if no feeling belonged to one if the other didnt sense it at once.
Dont! Dont mind them. They know nothing!
But whats there to know? shed sigh. Theyre right No kids, no point
Well see about that! David would growl, jaw clenched in a silent promise to himself.
Surely, anything was possible if you lived in a commuters village, just south of London. But after a private clinic or three (not to mention a soul-crushing round of NHS appointments), each verdict was the same: Miracles arent really on our price list, sorry
And Carolyn, hiding her eyes now even from her husband, felt her options closing in. It was only when David suggested building the house that Carolyn told him what had been on her mind for years.
Not with me, Dave. I love you, and you know that But you should have a family. If I cant give that to you, Ill file for divorce.
In your dreams! David barked, slamming his tea mug down so hard he scalded his fingers and danced about, yelping. Enough, Carolyn! Im a simple blokeI can say what I reckon in plain English! Your mum can be as disgusted as she likes, landed with a son-in-law whos no Shakespeare and swears too much, but Ill tell you this Im not letting you go just because lifes being a so-and-so. Who says I want a different woman, or any woman daft enough to let go of me, Lord save us!
Me?! Carolyn looked up in real shock, for a moment forgetting shed planned to cry.
Yes, you! Who else? Dont talk daft. I want you. Kidsif we have them, wonderful; if not, its not the end of the world.
But Carolyn couldnt let it rest. Men say things when theyre young and full of beans, but timewell, time brings doubt.
Yet David, for all his dodgy socks and half-arsed poetry, knew what he wantedand mostly, he wanted her.
Their marriage was her second. Shed first tied the knot at nineteen, less out of love than sheer desperation to free herself from a house steeped in well-meaning maternal control.
Her relationship with her mother, Alice Barrow, wascomplicated. Alice could glow with pride about her wonderful daughter at every WI gathering, then suddenly turn, as if some invisible marionette yanked her strings the other way, and demand, Why did I land with such a puzzle of a daughter? Sometimes, Carolyn, I think youre a geniusother times, I cant imagine what goes on in that head!
If Carolyn had known the answer, perhaps she would have given it. Instead, she only ever shrank a bit under her mothers sharp look, quietly wondering how to love someone who shouted at you.
Ask, Do you love your mum? and Carolyn would have said, Of course! Who doesnt? But as she got older she realised: no fancy degree, no shiny job, no friends in high places made you kind at heart. Her mother made people flock to her with her charm and clevernessjustnot her own child.
It all came to a head a week before Carolyns first wedding, after Alice had wrinkled her nose at THE wedding dress and asked where on earth shed found that frock.
Mum, why dont you love me like other mums do? Im your only child. You and Dad seemed alright. Whats wrong with me? Why are you so harsh? Carolyn surprised even herself with the outburst.
Oh dont talk nonsense.
What nonsense? Nothing I do is right in your eyes
Do something right, then! Thatd solve it!
Is it that you wish youd had a son, mum? Carolyn blurted.
Alice pursed her lips. Well, your father thought a girl was a mothers problema son might have been different
Only then did it hit Carolyn. Her parents really hadnt been thrilled with a girl. After consulting her aunts, it was obvious: a son was the dream, a daughter quite simplynot.
For heavens sake! Middle Ages! Carolyn muttered to the autumn breeze as she strolled through Brockwell Park. A boys worth and a girls not? Rubbish. But she vowed: when she had children, shed never compare them like that.
Her wedding was grand and a total faff. Squeezed into a corset she would later deeply regret, she saw her mother swoon dramatically and squeeze her by the waist.
It was hardly the happiest day of her life; she nodded and played along, looking for her best mate, whod vanished right when Carolyn desperately needed help breathing. Better that, she thought, than another round of maternal disapproval.
The marriage never stood a chanceone miscarriage, and her husband packed his bags before she was even out of hospital.
The parents flat that had been hers quickly emptied and Alice, picking her up, chirped,
Well let it out, love. Back to us you goenough independence! Focus on your course, and your Dad and Ill find you a proper husband. Young girls shouldnt make such decisions. Mistakes have a price.
Carolyn kept her counsel. That evening, she found her father and pleaded:
Dad, let me live aloneif you love me at all. Mum, I just cant right now.
And, for once, he listened. He sorted a modest allowance and told Alice to butt out. For once, Alice complied. If Carolyn refused the allowance, Alice said, Fine, Ill tuck the money away in the drawer, and you can take it when you bloody well need it.
University passed in a blur, career going from strength to strength, but her private life wascolourless. Attractive but lacking that mysterious spark that made people interested. The troubles during her brief pregnancy left their markshe was told, quietly but firmly, shed likely never be a mum.
It broke her. She drifted through work and weekends with her parents, but the light had gone out.
Whats up with Carolyn? whispered her Aunt Pat, Alices eldest sister. Shes like a statue! Got to do something
And so followed endless accidental meetups, beery family BBQs where Carolyn noticed some unfamiliar blokesmates of mates, or kindly brought by the aunts.
On one such Saturday, she met Davidnot as a guest, but the cabbie whod delivered her aunts brood. He watched, bemused, as Carolyn, pristine in white winter coat, snapped open the frozen back door and barked, To the station, please!
Fed up with being the unwilling star at another family showcasewhere, as a kid, shed been shoved on a stool to recite poetry for beloved mummyshe wanted out.
David didnt ask questions. He drove her across Richmond, and when she fumbled in her coat pockets:
Oh, crumbs
No cash?
None. Left my handbag at your house. I do have the keys
Doesnt matter. Give us a smile, and well call it even.
She frowned and briskly replied, Just a sec, Ill run up and get you sorted. But when she dashed back with payment, cabbie David had vanished.
Later, all hell broke loose at homeher mother ranted about family values; her father only muttered that next time she ought to mention slipping out.
The following morning, Davidand his battered white Skodawere waiting outside their block. Off they went. Still taller than him, especially minus heels, she bundled in and, starting to laugh, thought, Well, theres something about him
She worried at first. He was just a taxi driver; she was a barristers daughter from Hammersmith. The family would never approve. But the glow in Davids companyit was something new and precious.
Her mother, predictably, erupted.
Ill disinherit you! Mark my words! Dont you dare bring him round here! And so on. But for once, Carolyn was firm. She knew what she wanted, and it wasnt her mothers command.
She laid her cards on the table well before the registry office.
David we might never have children. Can you really accept that?
He squeezed her hand. Carolyn, people dont marry just for kids. I love you. S all there is to it. Ten kids, no kids, fine by me.
Youll still say that later?
Course I will. My dad taught me to stand by my word.
They wed quietly in the local town hall, party at the Davids parents bungalow somewhere near Brighton. Carolyns folks did not attend. Her father showed up for the tail-end, shook Davids hand, left with an exasperated sigh. She knew what Mum would say. The family couch would be taking that hit for a week at least
But to Carolyns surprise, she found a ready welcome with Davids parents.
So thin! Good heavens, David, feed her properly! declared his mum, Evelyn, eyeing Carolyn up and down. If she cant cook, you learnedall that telly for nothing otherwise. Come on, girlhelp me sort the strawberries for the jam. Leave the men to eatby the time theyre done, therell be nowt left for the pan!
David cackled as his fiancée found herself wielded like a new daughter-in-training over a mixing bowl, with cheerful banter and open warmth shed never had at home.
And Evelyn, wise as ever, said when she found out why Carolyn was considering divorce:
If you cant have your own, welladopt, love! My folks took me in, didnt birth me, but never felt less theirs for that.
Youre adopted? Carolyn gasped, amazed.
Indeed. Left on a doorstep, so I heard, but my parents never gave a fig about blood. Its all about love and who raises you, not genes.
Eventually, Carolyn warmed to the idea.
The house took shape, plank by blessed plank, David busy all week in his new logistics office, the extended family lending a hand on Saturdays. Even Carolyns own father pitched in, lending advice and whatever contacts he could, to Carolyns proud delight.
Meanwhile, Carolyns career as a property lawyer boomed, though she began taking on less, working remotely so she could be a real mumshe had a plan.
They finished foster-parent training and, as luck would have it, barely fielded one phone call from Social Services before Davids mother phoned.
Carolyn, its a pickle! Next-door neighbours, the Smithsyou know, the ones whose mums ran offwell, the Councils taken all three children. Their mothers given up, its a crying shameand I know those kids, theyre good uns! The older girls are sensible as can be. The little lad, well, hes only two. I know you wanted one, but these three, theyre practically family! Please, love
David put on his coat and called, Get your trainers, were off to Mums.
And just like that, Carolyn became mother to three children overnight.
Seven-year-old Emma (the other Emma) and six-year-old Lucy took little time to warm to Carolyn.
Its alright, you know, Lucy said sagely, We can tell youre nice.
Two-year-old Sam, more direct, called her Mummy after a fortnight and clung to her for dear life.
Her own family, as expected, were appalled.
Three children with their background? How did they let you?
Mum, Im a lawyer
God help us. We shouldnt have sent you to university! (Et cetera.) For the first time, Carolyn raised her voice:
One way or another, Mum, Im doing this. For years I did things your waynow its time to try mine.
After thatwell, there wasnt anything more to say.
The years rolled by; the children grew, filling the house with noise and sticky fingerprints. She adjusted her work, mostly doing conveyancing from home, finding joy in the million tiny tasks that motherhood required.
She didnt even suspect she was pregnantshe blamed the fatigue and aches on stress, until David caught her at the loo one morning and said, Thats it, youre off to see a doctor.
Evelyn, on a weekend visit, just winked and kept flipping the pancakes. I know whats up. See what the doc says, but eat morepale as a gooseberry, you are.
The GPs news left Carolyn, for once, speechless.
Noit cant be. Thats impossible!
Is it? said the doctor, spinning the ultrasound monitor round, a smile tugging his cheek. Theresee that? Tell your husband to get in here.
Carolyn burst into tearsthat wobbly, unguarded joy shed thought would never be hers.
Little George was born in a chilly January and turned the house upside down.
Emma and Lucy accepted the arrival with calm practicalityone more sibling, one less, whats the tally? Theres Mum to help, and thats that.
But Sam took it badly: he clung to her, sulking and wide-eyed. It took time and all her effort to convince him nothing would ever replace him.
And just as he settled, Fate had one more twistSophie arrived.
Thanks to her, Carolyn finally made peace with her own parentsbut the reasons were too tragic to ever wish upon anyone. Sophie, her cousins daughter, ended up orphaned. Carolyn hadnt seen her cousin for years and only knew Sophie existed from vague family gossip. So when her mother rang in the middle of the night, panicked and shrill, it took some time to untangle the awful facts: her cousins life had ended at her husbands hands, and little Sophie was alone.
Within hours, Carolyn had traced the right social worker and, after some wrangling, took Sophie home.
But the child was haunted, waking nightly with screams. Emma and Lucy tried their best
Nan, whys Sophie always so scared? We werent like this
Ah, darlingsshes weak just now, but shell grow strong. It just takes love to heal up that hole inside, said Evelyn. Keep showing her shes safe. Make her something nice. Let her know she belongs.
They did. Presents, hair slides, even Lucys favourite blouse (which, incidentally, Sophie thanked her for then promptly hung back up in Lucys wardrobe). Teddy bears went on display and stayed dust-free.
Oddly, it was Sam who cracked the problem. One Saturday at Evelyns, she gave him a childrens book about Native Americans. That afternoon, he returned, clutching the book.
Look! he declared to his sisters.
What now, Sam? asked Emma.
This! he exclaimed, jabbing the illustration. A dreamcatcher! Lets make one for Sophie, to trap her bad dreams!
Many secret craft sessions, a tangle of string and beads, and the annexs best feather pillows later, and the dreamcatcher was complete.
Sophie continued to cry in her sleep, but that night, as Carolyn comforted her burning forehead and Sophie clung to her, whispering, Dont give me awaynot to him, Carolyn understoodSophie had seen more than any child should.
Eventually, the NHS night doctor shrugged at Carolyna teary, sleepy, dressing-gown-clad motheras he jotted in the notes, Nothing else to do, call your GP in the morning.
Dawn found Carolyn in the childrens room, blinking up at the new thing on the wall.
Whats that? she whispered to Lucy, touching Sophies curls.
A dreamcatcher, Mum! Emma and I finished it while you slept. Sam found it in his bookit chases off nightmares. Though, I think Sophies already got the best dreamcatcher: you! She only stopped crying when she was holding your hand.
Carolyn smiled. I suppose youre all dreamcatchers, in your wayEmma, Sam, you, DadEvelyn and Granddad, when they stay. It takes a village, or at least one upside-down English household.
The day rolled on as always. Sam poked his head in, announcing lunch. Evelyn, with George on her hip, shooed the others out to eat.
Carolyn rested, cradling Sophie, relieved to find her cool at last.
Shes herself again? Evelyn asked.
Yes, at last.
See? All these psychologists! A child needs love, a safe house, and time. Thatll mend all ills, you mark my words Ohwhats this? She eyed the dreamcatcher, amused.
The girls made it for Sophie.
There you are, seelove, a home, and hope. What mores needed? Time, my dear, time
Laughter drifted from the kitchenchildren, Evelyn, Alice even. Davids car beeped in the drive and soon the house was full again.
Just as it should be. All present and correct. Well, nearlymaybe there was still a little space for someone else. Only time would tell.
