The Daytime Cuckoo Out-Cuckooed Us All
For heavens sake, shes having a laugh! Lucy huffed. James! Get in here. Now!
Her husband peered around the bathroom door, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, the fresh scent of the commute still clinging to him.
What now, Luce? Ive just finished work my heads pounding…
What now? Lucy gestured dramatically at the edge of the bath. Have a proper look. Wheres my shampoo gone? Wheres the hair masque I only bought yesterday?
James squinted, scanning the perfectly arranged line of bottles.
Dominating the display was a jumbo-sized bottle of Tar Shampoo, a suspicious own-brand Burdock & Mint concoction, and, for reasons unknown, a heavy glass jar of face cream the colour of weak tea.
Um Mum brought her bits over. She probably just wanted things to be handy he muttered, suddenly finding the ceiling extremely fascinating.
Convenient? James, she doesnt even live here! Now look down.
Lucy squatted and pulled out a plastic washing-up bowl from under the tub. Inside lay her pricey French toiletries, together with her flannel and razor, looking frankly wounded.
So, whats this then, James? Shes dumped all my stuff in this mucky bowl and lined hers up?
Apparently, her things belonged nestled next to a mop, while his mums Burdock was gracing the limelight.
James managed a weary sigh.
Lucy, come on, dont start. Mums really struggling right now, you know that. Let me just put everything back and well eat? Shes knocked up some stuffed cabbage, by the way.
Im not eating her stuffed cabbage, Lucy shot back. And why is she constantly camping out here, anyway? Why does she act like she owns the place?!
I feel like a lodger, graciously permitted to share the loo.
Pushing past her husband, Lucy stormed out, while James meekly shimmied the bowl of her things back under the bath with his foot.
Unlike the age-old property drama thats ruined countless lives, Lucy and James had been spared that particular misery.
James lived in a spacious one-bed flat in a shiny new-build, inherited from his paternal grandad. Lucy had her grandmothers cosy flat in a leafy suburb. After the wedding, theyd settled in Jamess new carpets and air-conditioning trumped all. Lucy let out her flat to a respectable family.
Meetings with Jamess family followed the terms of a peace treaty, with occasional outbreaks of polite warmth.
Sue Archer and her husband, the eternally silent Victor, lived clear across town. Once a week theyd do tea, exchange strictly surface-level news, and smile their most neutral smiles.
Oh, Lucy, youre looking positively willowy! Sue would exclaim mid-cheesecake. James, are you feeding your poor wife at all?
Mum, were just going to the gym, thats all, James would mumble, not looking up.
And that was that. No surprise visits, no-marital management tips. Lucy boasted to friends:
I lucked out with my mother-in-law. Absolute gold. Keeps out of everything, doesnt nag, doesnt harass James.
It all fell apart one grim Tuesday when Victor, after thirty-two years of marriage, packed a suitcase, left a note on the kitchen table (Off to the seaside, dont look for me!), blocked all calls, and vanished.
Turned out a midlife crisis was less a figure of speech and more a spry entertainment manager from a Bognor Regis holiday camp theyd been visiting three summers running.
For sixty-year-old Sue, the world flipped upside down.
First came the tears, then the 3 a.m. why-did-he-do-this phone calls, the endless searching of Why?
How could he? Why, Lucy, WHY?!
Lucy was honestly sympathetic at first. Shed drive over with chamomile tea, listen to the same stories for the millionth time, and politely nod as Sue cursed the old goat.
Still, her patience thinned quickly the constant wailing became intolerable.
James, shes rung me five times this morning, Lucy remarked over breakfast one day. Wants you to pop over and change a lightbulb. In the hallway.
I get it, but whens it going to end?
Jamess face took on a tragic air.
Shes lonely, Lucy. Shes only ever lived with Dad, and he You know. Please dont be hard on her.
She could change it herself, I could send an odd-job man, but no it has to be you. Or me. Do I need this?
Overnights at his mums followed. She cant sleep alone, James admitted, stuffing a bag. Says the silence is too much. Ill stay with her a night or two, love, okay?
A night or two? Lucy frowned. Weve only just got married and youre already fleeing the flat? I dont want to sleep alone half the week.
Lu, its just temporary. Shell bounce back soon.
Temporary dragged on for a month.
Sue insisted James spend four evenings a week with her, tallying up made-up blood pressure, invented panic attacks, and home-made plumbing disasters.
Lucy watched her husband exhaust himself trying to please both sides and later regretted her next move more than anything.
***
She decided to have a frank chat with Sue.
Look, Sue, she said over roast chicken one Sunday, if youre struggling to be alone, why dont you spend time with us here during the day? James works all day, and Im often working from home. You can stroll round the park, do a crossword on our sofa. James can run you home each evening.
Sue eyed her with baffling delight.
Youre so clever, Lucy! Why *am* I moping at home all day?
Lucy expected a couple of visits a week, mid-morning arrivals, Sue gone long before James got home
Sue, however, had her own vision she turned up promptly at 7am.
Whos that? mumbled James, half-asleep as the doorbell blared.
He opened the door groggily.
Its me! Sues voice warbled through the intercom. Brought you some fresh cottage cheese!
Lucy yanked the duvet over her head.
Seriously?! she hissed to herself. Where on earth does one find fresh cottage cheese at this hour?
Mum wakes early, James was already hunting for trousers. Go back to sleep, Ill let her in.
From then on, life became a sitcom from hell. Sue didnt just visit she *moved in* for the working day.
Lucy tried to focus on her laptop, but the soundtrack was relentless:
Lucy, you missed a bit of dust on the telly, Ill just go over it with a cloth.
Sue, Im in a Zoom call in five minutes!
Oh come on, youre just staring at pictures. And by the by, youre ironing Jamess shirts all wrong the creases should be perfect. Let me show you, while youre waiting for clients.
Everything was under review.
How the veg was chopped: James likes them julienned, not cubed like a school lunch.
How the bed was made: The covers meant to touch the floor, not just muddle about.
How the bathroom smelt: Supposed to be fresh, but its all a bit musty in here.
Dont be offended, love, Sue would peer into the saucepan, but youve oversalted this soup. James has always been used to diet food delicate tummy, you know?
Youll ruin him with your spicy ways. Off you go, Ill fix it.
It was delicious, Lucy grated out, clenching her fists. He had two bowls yesterday!
Oh, hes just being polite he doesnt want to upset you, thats all.
By lunch, Lucy would be on the brink. She escaped to coffee shops for hours, just to avoid that soothing, endlessly corrective tone.
When she came home, raging, there were fresh invasions.
First, Sues favourite mug appeared: an enormous, lurid Best Mum monstrosity. Then, a raincoat appeared on the peg, and a week later, Lucy discovered a whole shelf surrendered to Sues spares and a couple of flowery housecoats.
Why do you have housecoats here? Lucy asked, finding a fluffy pink beast nestled between her silk lingerie.
Well, dear, Im here all day. Its nice to change into something comfy. Were all family, why look so glum?
James had only one response to Lucys complaints:
Oh come on, Lucy, be reasonable. Shes lost her husband. You can spare a shelf.
I dont care about the shelf, James! Your mum is shoving me out of my own home!
Youre exaggerating. Shes cooking, cleaning you said yourself you hate ironing.
Id rather walk around wrinkled than wear anything shes pressed! Lucy barked.
But he never seemed to hear.
***
The bathroom bottles were the last straw.
James, come on dinners getting cold! called Sue from the kitchen. Lucy, come along, I left the chilli sauce out your portion I know you cant handle spice.
Lucy stormed in as Sue bustled about, owning the kitchen.
Sue, Lucy forced civility. Why did you move all my things under the bath?
Sue didnt even flinch. She gently placed a fork beside Jamess plate and smiled.
Oh Lucy, you mean those bottles? They were nearly empty and a bit whiffy if Im honest made my head ache!
So I put out my reliable ones and tucked yours neatly away.
Youre not bothered are you? Things needed a tidy.
Well, I *am* bothered, Lucy advanced. Its my bathroom. My stuff. My home!
Oh, is it, dear? Sue sat, hand to heart, audibly sighing. The flats Jamess really.
Youre the lady of the house, of course, but a husbands mother needs respect.
James stood frozen at the door.
Mum, lets not Lucy has a place too, we just chose to live here…
Oh, but hers is just a granny flat, nothing special! Sue waved it off. Sit down, darling. Your wifes in a mood probably just hungry.
Lucy looked at her husband. She waited.
Waited for him to say, Mum, enough. Youve crossed a line. Pack up and go home.
James hovered awkwardly a moment, flicking his gaze from mother to wife, and finally just sat down at the table.
Lucy, please, just eat. Lets talk this out, calmly. Mum, you were wrong to move things
There, see?! My son understands, Sue crowed. Youre far too possessive, Lucy. Family is about sharing everything.
Lucys patience snapped at last.
Everything? she echoed. Right.
She turned and walked out.
James called after, but the words barely reached her. She packed her things in twenty minutes flat, stuffing it all into suitcases.
She didnt bother with the bathroom bottles shed get new ones.
She left to the soundtrack of Jamess whining pleas and Sues not-so-subtle jibes.
***
Lucy had no intention of going back to James she filed for divorce almost straight away.
Her soon-to-be-ex rang her every day, begging her to return, while Sue gradually hauled her hoard fully into Jamess bachelor pad.
Lucy was quite sure this was the plan all along.












