June 14th
She must be having a laugh! I was fuming. David, come here. Now please!
David, just in from work and barely out of his trainers, poked his head through the bathroom door, unbuttoning his collar.
Whats wrong now, Olivia? Ive just got in, my heads pounding
Whats wrong? Look at the side of the bath. I gestured, tight-lipped. Look properly. Wheres my shampoo? Wheres that hair mask I only bought yesterday?
David squinted at the neatly lined-up toiletries.
There was a massive tar shampoo bottle, a litre-sized Nettle & Burdock, and a heavy brown glass jar of some thick cream.
Um Mum brought her things. She likes having them nearby, I suppose he mumbled, avoiding eye contact.
Likes it convenient? My anger rose. David, she doesnt even live here! Now look under the bath.
I crouched down and dragged out a battered plastic tub. Inside were all my posh French bath products, my loofah, and my razor.
So thats it, is it, Dave? She dumped all my stuff in that grimy tub and lined up her bits and pieces on display?!
Apparently, my things belonged next to the mop, and her Nettle & Burdock deserved pride of place.
David sighed, defeated. Liv, dont wind yourself up. Shes having a rough time, you know that. Ill just swap it back and well have dinner? Mums made stuffed cabbage her special.
I wont have any of her stuffed cabbage, I snapped. Why is she always here anyway? Whys she taking over my house, David?
I might as well be a lodger, grateful just to use the loo.
I shoved past him and stormed out. David quietly slid my battered tub back under the bath with his foot.
You know, most couples are torn apart by not having a decent home. Not us.
David had inherited a roomy one-bed flat in a swanky new build from his granddad. Id got my own cosy two-bed from my nan.
After our wedding, we moved into Davids place fresh paintwork, an air conditioner, the works. I let my flat to a nice little family.
With Davids parents, we managed a careful truce, bordering on friendly tolerance.
Linda and her husband, ever-so-polite Peter, lived clear across London. Once a week Sunday tea, health chit-chat, forced smiles.
Oh, Olivia love, youve got so thin, Linda would tsk, pushing cake onto my plate. David, are you feeding her properly?
Mum, we just go to the gym, hed reply.
And that was the extent of it. No surprise drop-ins, no advice on cleaning.
I even bragged to my friends: My mother-in-laws a gem. Never interfering, never a bother!
It all came crashing down one grey Tuesday when Peter, after thirty-two years, packed a suitcase, left a note on the kitchen side Gone to the seaside, dont look for me! blocked all contacts, and disappeared.
Apparently, the midlife crisis was more than just a saying. Turns out it was a sprightly admin lady from a Bognor Regis holiday park where he and Linda spent summers.
For Linda, sixty years old, the world crumbled.
It began with tears and 3 a.m. calls, her heart broken afresh, every conversation circling back: How could he? Why, Olivia, why?
At first, I genuinely sympathised. I even drove over with calming teas, nodding as she railed against that wandering old fool.
But my patience thinned. Her constant moaning made my nerves jangle.
David, shes rung five times this morning, I grumbled over breakfast. Wanted you to come round and change a lightbulb. In the hall.
I get it, I really do but whens it going to stop?
David just wilted. Shes lonely, Liv. Dad left her Please dont be cross
Changing bulbs isnt difficult get a handyman. But she only wants you. Or me. Am I supposed to drop everything?
Then came the sleepovers David trekking to his mums.
Liv, Mums scared to sleep alone, he said, packing a bag. The silence gets to her. Ill just stay a couple of nights, okay?
A couple of nights? I scowled. David, weve only just got married and half the week youre not even here!
Its only temporary. Shell get through it.
Temporary stretched into a month.
Linda demanded her son four nights a week. She faked dizzy spells, panic attacks, even clogged the sink herself for company.
I saw David being pulled to pieces. And then I made a mistake I regretted daily after.
***
I tried talking frankly to Linda.
Look, youre clearly miserable alone, I said one Sunday. Why not spend your days with us sometimes? David works, I mostly work from home. You can walk in the park, hang out here. Davidll take you home before night.
Linda looked at me oddly.
Youre a clever girl Youre right, why should I sit alone?
I only expected a visit or two a week. Around midday maybe, leaving before Davids back.
But Linda had other ideas. She turned up bang on 7 a.m.
Whos that? David mumbled, half-asleep as the bell blared.
He answered groggily.
Its me! chirped Linda over the intercom. Brought you some fresh cottage cheese!
I tugged the blanket over my head.
For heavens sake I muttered. David, its seven! Wheres she even found fresh cottage cheese at that hour?!
Mums always up early, he said, pulling on trousers. Go back to sleep, Ill let her in.
From then on, my life was relentless. Linda didnt just drop by she took over for eight hours at a stretch.
I tried to work on my laptop, but there she was, always in my ear:
Olivia, you missed a bit of dust on the telly. Here, Ill give it a wipe.
Linda, Ive got a call in five minutes!
Oh, youre just looking at pictures, love.
And Olivia, youre ironing Davids shirts all wrong creases should be razor sharp. Let me show you while youre waiting for your clients.
She critiqued everything.
How I chopped veg: David likes them in strips, not those cubes youve done.
Making the bed: The cover should reach the floor, not dangle like that.
How the bathroom smelt: Needs a fresher scent its musty in here.
Dont take this the wrong way, shed say, peering in the saucepan, but youve oversalted the soup. Davids tummys sensitive, you know. Dont want to mess up his digestion. Step aside, let me fix it.
Its lovely soup! I retorted, fists clenched. David liked it, had two bowls!
Oh, hes just polite, doesnt want to upset you so he eats it.
By lunchtime, I was always at breaking point.
Id wander off to a coffee shop for hours, just for some peace. When I finally went home, itd only be worse.
Her favourite mug a lurid beast declaring Best Mum appeared in the kitchen.
Her raincoat dangled by the front door. Then she cleared a shelf in the wardrobe for her spares trackies, a couple of fluffy dressing gowns.
Why all your things here? I asked, staring at a pink towelling monstrosity squashed among my silk nighties.
Oh, well, dear, it gets tired being in day clothes. Were all family now, why so glum?
Any complaint to David got the same answer:
Liv, be reasonable. She needs to feel useful. Its just a shelf in the wardrobe.
Thats not the point! Im being pushed out of my own home!
Dont exaggerate. Shes helping cooks, cleans. You hate ironing, remember?
Id rather look crumpled! Id snap.
Hed never listen.
***
Those vanity bottles in the bathroom broke me.
David, dinners getting cold! called Linda from the kitchen. Olivia, too, I made yours mild because youre not keen on spice.
I burst in Linda was already plating up, queen of the kitchen.
Linda, can I ask why you moved all my things under the bath?
Not a flicker. She calmly set a fork by David and smiled.
Oh, those old bottles? They were almost empty, dear thought Id make space. The smell gave me a headache.
I put mine out, proper products. Yours are tucked away, tidy. You dont mind, surely? Had to clear up down there.
I do mind, I said, coming closer. Its my bathroom. My things. My home!
Oh, come on, sweetheart, Linda sighed theatrically, perching on a chair. Its Davids flat really. Youre in charge, but respect for your husbands mother, yes?
David, hesitating in the door, went pale.
Mum, theres no need Olivias got a flat too, we just live here
Oh please, her places an old granny flat, Linda waved it off. David, eat up before its cold. Your wifes obviously feeling peaky.
I looked at David. Waiting. Waiting for him to say: Mum, enough. Youve crossed a line. Pack up go home.
He hovered, glancing between us, then just sat.
Liv, honestly, have some dinner. Lets just chat calmly. Mum, you shouldnt have messed with her things
There, see? Linda beamed in triumph. My son understands. Olivia, love, dont be so possessive family means everythings shared.
That was the last straw.
Everythings shared? I echoed. Fine.
I walked out.
David called after me, but I didnt care. Packed my things in twenty minutes flat didnt even take my nice shower stuff.
Their voices followed me out David pleading, Linda moaning and tossing in her barbs.
***
Theres no going back for me I filed for divorce almost straight away.
My husband still rings daily, hoping Ill change my mind, and his mums slowly shifting all her clobber into his flat.
I know thats exactly what she wanted.
