The Daytime Cuckoo Outstayed Her Welcome
No, shes having a laugh! Emily flared up. Luke, come in here. Now!
Her husband, having just kicked off his trainers in the hallway, poked his head round the bathroom door, undoing his shirt collar as he walked.
Em, what now? Ive only just got in from work, my heads splitting
What now?! Emily gestured at the rim of the bathtub. Look closely. Wheres my shampoo? The hair mask I bought yesterday, where is that?
Luke squinted, short-sighted, at the neat row of bottles.
There sat a massive bottle of coal tar shampoo, some oversized Burdock concoction and a heavy glass jar filled with an odd brown cream.
Um Mum brought her bits over. Guess she likes to have everything at hand he mumbled, refusing to meet his wifes eyes.
At hand? Luke, she doesnt live here! Now, look down.
Emily crouched and pulled out a plastic laundry tub from under the bath. Inside were her expensive French toiletries, along with her loofah and razor.
So what does this mean, Luke? Shes tossed all my things into this filthy tub and put her own up front!
Shes decided my things belong next to the mop, while her beloved Burdock takes pride of place on the edge of the bath!
Luke heaved a heavy sigh.
Em, dont get worked up. Mums in bits at the moment, you know that. LookIll swap them back, and well go have dinner? Shes made stuffed cabbage, by the way.
Im not eating her stuffed cabbage, Emily snapped. And why is she always here? Why does she treat my house like her own, Luke?!
I feel like a lodger whos been graciously granted use of the loo.
Emily shoved past her husband and stormed out, while Luke quietly nudged his wifes stash back under the tub with his foot.
The age-old property problem, which had ruined so many lives, barely brushed Emily and Luke.
Luke had inherited a lovely, spacious one-bed flat in a new build from his grandfather on his fathers side.
Emily got a cosy flat from her grandmother.
After their wedding, they chose to move into Lukes placea recent refurb, air conditioningwhile letting Emilys to a nice married couple.
Their relationship with Lukes parents had always been one of polite neutrality, occasionally warming to courteous friendliness.
Alison Grant and her husband, the quiet and unfailingly proper Peter, lived on the other side of town.
Once a week: the ritual of Sunday tea, the expected questions about health and work, and exchanges of kindly smiles.
Oh, Emily, youve lost so much weight, Alison would say, slicing her a hefty piece of cake. Luke, are you starving your poor wife?
Mum, were just going to the gym, thats all, Luke would brush off.
And that was it. No surprise visits, no lectures on household management.
Emily would even boast to her friends:
Im so lucky with my mother-in-law. Gold dust. She never interferes, doesnt boss me, doesnt nag Luke.
It all came crashing down one dreary Tuesday when Peter, after thirty-two years with Alison, suddenly packed his suitcase, left a note on the kitchen tableGone to the seaside, dont look for me!blocked all contact, and vanished.
Turned out the midlife crisis wasnt just a phrase but flesh and blooda sprightly manager at the coastal hotel where the couple had holidayed the past three summers.
For sixty-year-old Alison, her world collapsed.
First came the tears, the 3 a.m. phone calls, and endless rehashing of events:
How could he do this? Why me? Emily, how did it come to this?!
Emily truly sympathised. She ferried calming tablets to her mother-in-law, listened to the same stories for the tenth time, and nodded politely as Alison cursed her wandering fool of a husband.
But patience soon wore thinher constant moaning began to grate.
Luke, shes called five times this morning, Emily complained over breakfast one day. She wants you to come over and change a lightbulb. In the hallway.
Look, I know she needs help, but seriously when does it end?
Her husbands face fell.
Shes lonely, Em. You know shes never been on her own, and Dad really
Just be patient with her, please
She could change the bulb herself or pay a handyman. But it has to be you. Or me. But why should I?
Then the overnight stays startedher husband tearing between their flat and his mums.
Em, Mum cant sleep on her own, Luke said sheepishly, packing his overnight bag. She says the silence eats at her. Ill crash at hers a few nights, OK?
A few nights? Emily frowned. Luke, were newlyweds and youre already fleeing! I dont want to sleep alone half the week.
It wont last, love. Once she gets herself together, thisll all sort itself out.
It wont last stretched on for a month.
Alison began demanding her son sit with her four nights a week, evenings and overnight.
She faked dizzy spells, panic attacks, even blocked the kitchen sink herself.
Emily watched her husband torn in two, exhausted, and made the mistake shed regret each day after.
***
She decided to just talk honestly with her mother-in-law.
Look, Alison, she said over Sunday lunch, If its so miserable for you, being alone all day, why not come over to ours in the day?
Lukes at work, I work from home quite a lot. You could spend the day here, its central, you could potter about the park, keep us company Luke can drive you home every evening.
Alison gave her a peculiar look.
Well, Emily thats clever. What a darling! Why am I sulking in that flat all day?
Emily imagined a visit or two per week. She expected late-morning arrivals and that her mother-in-law would be gone before Luke came home
But Alison had her own plansshe turned up at precisely seven in the morning.
Whos that? mumbled Luke, half asleep, as the doorbell rang.
He went to answer it himself.
Just me! chirped Alison through the intercom, Brought you some fresh cottage cheese!
Emily buried herself under the duvet.
Youre joking she hissed. Luke, its seven in the morning! Where does she get fresh cottage cheese at this hour?!
Mums an early riser, Luke was already pulling on his trousers. Sleep. Ill let her in.
From that day, life became a living hell. Alison didnt just visitshe spent eight hours a day at the flat.
Emily tried to work on her laptop, but a constant refrain played in her ear:
Em, havent you dusted the telly? Ive spotted a clothIll just give it a wipe.
Alison, Im busy, Ive a conference call in five minutes!
Oh, call it a meeting, youre just looking at pictures. Besides, love, youre not ironing Lukes shirts properly at all. The creases should be razor-sharp.
Here, let me show you, whilst youre waiting for these clients of yours.
Nothing was spared from criticism.
How she chopped vegetablesLuke likes them julienned, and you do cubes, like some canteen.
How the bed was madeBedspread should touch the floor, but yours just dangles.
Even the smell in the bathroomIt should be pleasant, but yours smells musty.
Em, dont take offence, her mother-in-law would say, peering into the saucepan. But your soups much too salty.
Lukes had a delicate stomach since he was littleyou knew that, surely? Youll ruin him with your cooking. Step aside, Ill sort it.
Its delicious, Emily muttered through gritted teeth. And Luke loved it. Had two bowls last night.
Oh, but hes ever so polite. He wont upset you, so he just eats it, poor thing.
By lunchtime, Emily was a fraying wire, nerves shot.
She spent hours in a café down the street, just to escape that constant, needling voice.
And when she returned, she was even angrier.
First, Alisons favourite mug appeared in the kitchenan outsized, garish thing, boasting Best Mum across it.
Then a spare raincoat dangled on a hook in the hall, and within a week, a shelf was cleared in the wardrobe for Alisons spare things and a couple of her housecoats.
How come you need housecoats here? Emily asked, discovering a monstrous pink towelling robe alongside her silk slips.
Well, my dear, Im here all day arent I? I get tired, I like to change into something comfortable.
Were one big family nowwhy the sour face?
Every time Emily complained, Luke said the same thing:
Em, have a heart. Shes grieving. Let her feel useful. Are you really upset about one shelf?
Its not the shelf, Luke! Your mums pushing me out of my own flat!
Youre exaggerating. She cooks, tidies uphelps out. You always said you hate ironing.
Id rather go crumpled than wear something ironed by her! Emily snapped.
But her husband barely seemed to listen.
***
The bathroom bottles were the final straw.
Luke, come on, Alison called from the kitchen. The cabbage rolls are going cold!
Emily, love, I made yours with less pepperI know you dont like it spicy.
Emily stormed to the kitchen, where Alison was already setting plates in a business-like manner.
Alison, she asked, keeping her voice cool, Why did you move my things under the bath?
Her mother-in-law barely batted an eyelid. She carefully set a fork beside Lukes plate and smiled.
Oh, those bottles? My dear, they were almost empty, just gathering dust.
And the smellso strong, gave me a headache.
I put out mine. Yours are neatly under the bath, out of the way.
You dont mind, do you? That space needed tidying anyhow.
I do mind, Emily stepped up to the table. Thats my bathroom. My things. My home.
Oh, come now, love, is it yours? The flats Lukes, after all.
Youre mistress here, of course, but One must show respect to a boys mother.
Luke, standing at the door, went pale.
Mum, dont say that Emilys got her own flat too, were just living here
What flat? his mother scoffed. That old granny-flat.
Luke, sit down and eat. See, your wifes in a strop again, must be hungry.
Emily looked at her husband. She waited.
She waited for him to say: Mum, stop. Youve gone too far. Pack up your things, go home.
Luke stood there for a full minute, glancing between his mother and his wife, then just sat down at the table.
Em, please, just sit and have something to eat. Lets talk this out calmly. Mum, you were wrong, you shouldnt have moved her things
There! See, my boy understands! Alison crowed. And you, Emily, youre far too possessive. A family shares everything, you know.
Emilys patience finally snapped.
Everything in common? she repeated. Fine.
She turned away and strode out of the kitchen.
Luke called after her, but she ignored him. In twenty minutes, shed packed all her belongings into suitcases.
She didnt bother with the bathroom bottles; shed buy more.
She left to the chorus of two pleading voices: her husband nagging and begging her to come back, her mother-in-law wailing and thinly veiling her insults.
***
Emily hadnt thought twice about going backshe filed for divorce almost as soon as shed escaped.
Her (soon-to-be ex-) husband bombarded her daily with calls, begging her to come home, while Alison insidiously began moving the rest of her things into Lukes flat.
Emily is sure its exactly what her mother-in-law always wanted.
Reflecting on it now, its clear to her how, with a smile and a casserole, Alison came and made herself at home, until there truly was no room left for Emily.
