The Cost of a Lifelong Friendship
But Rosie and I have always thought you two would end up together
I get that you and Rosie are mates, but I cant marry someone I feel nothing for. It would end badly for me and for her.
***
A fine, persistent drizzle clung to the windows, turning the garden in Bexley into a grey postcard.
For Natalie and Rosie, each pushing a pram in perfect sync, the dreary weather was merely background to their endless, leisurely chat. Theyd been best friends for years, and now, almost simultaneously, theyd both become mums. Natalies son, Mark, was a hearty lad; Rosies little Ellie had bright, clever eyes.
Look at him, Natalie hes already got that serious look, Rosie teased Mark. Whos this serious one? Hell be a professor, I can see it now. Always inventing something.
I dont know, Rosie. Right now hes mostly inventing ways to shout louder. Who knows? And your Ellie? Shes still tiny but a firecracker a future commander, no doubt.
Exactly! Rosie winked. When she grows, Ill send her to drama school, or ballet, or singing I just dont want her to lose her confidence on stage. Right, Ellie? she cooed. Will you be an actress then? And you, Mark, what will you study?
She tried to tidy his little cap.
Mark reached out clumsily, trying to grab Rosies finger, while Ellie twirled in her pram, clearly curious about the commotion.
So those are the first shy steps toward future relationships, Rosie mused, catching Natalies eye. I wonder what will happen when theyre grownup, if they stay as close as we are now
That would be brilliant, Natalie smiled, picturing it. And imagine if they fell in love? That would be lovely. Wed be aunts and uncles, sharing grandkids!
Exactly! Rosie perked up. Theyll have known each other from the diaper stage, share all our quirks and their own. Itd be easier for them to understand each other. I hadnt thought of that, but its brilliant.
Neighbours with dogs and baby strollers shuffled past, umbrellas bobbing, nodding politely.
***
Years slipped by unnoticed.
Mark and Ellie truly grew up together. Their first steps were side byside, their first words exchanged in each others ears. Nursery, then preschool, then Year1 they tackled everything together. It seemed the mothers predictions were spoton. Mark, a quiet player, always yielded the most interesting toy to Ellie. She, ever the leader, decided which game to play, when to do homework, and who would carry whose backpack at recess.
That all changed by Year5.
Mark, now more independent, grew tired of the constant handovers to Ellie. Where hed once given her a toy because it was easier, he now wondered: why should I always give? Why does she always call the shots?
Mark, hand me that car! Ellie demanded, snatching his hand. You never play with it anyway.
I was going to take it, Mark muttered.
And what? I want it too, and Ill let you play when I feel like it! Listen to me! Ellie overrode him, as usual.
Mark didnt argue. He remembered his mothers words: they were supposed to stay friends. Their families were practically one, and it would be foolish to sour that with childish grudges. So he endured when Ellie claimed the best seat on the bus, bossed the joint games, looked down on his hobbies
Eventually Ellie fell for him, still bossy but with a blush. Mark, however, simply endured.
When they turned twentyfive, Marks patience turned into a bland, dull habit. Ellies oncecharming cheekiness became nagging. She still hovered, waiting for the moment Mark would finally see that she was his destiny.
Mark, love, you look thoughtful today, Natalie tried to draw her son out over breakfast. Whats with the gloom? Its time to think about serious things like a family, perhaps
Mark, more interested in his phone than the conversation, gave a vague grunt.
Listen, love, Natalie trailed on, searching for the right phrasing, you get on so well with Ellie. Shes a lovely girl, a bit loud, but perhaps thats exactly what you need. Wouldnt it be wonderful if you married? You two are practically made for each other.
Mark had heard this for years.
Mum, were just friends, like you always said. I dont want to marry her.
Friends, hmm Natalie replied. Youve known each other forever! You walked to school together, sat side by side in class. Its more than friendship now its fate, Mark! Where else will you find someone who knows you as well as she does?
Ive never felt anything for Ellie beyond friendship, Mark said, eager to end the chat. And honestly, Im not interested any more. I tolerated her as a kid because I didnt want fights, but now shes just an old acquaintance. Im bored.
But she adores you! She always says how clever you are
She says that to everyone she likes, Mark shrugged.
A tactic? Natalie asked. You think shes deceiving you?
No, Mum, shes just attentionhungry. She wants the spotlight, and I cant give her more than a friendly chat. I dont feel that romantic spark.
I get it, Mark. I just wish
Ive never felt it, Mum. Not a hint of romance. Our mothers have been pushing this forever, but I cant force feelings.
Rosie, meanwhile, kept glancing at Marks social media. Rare photos of him made her smile; he seemed different from the boys who tried to win her over.
When will you understand? she whispered to herself. I love him, I cant live without him! I want to marry him, but hell marry someone else No, that cant happen.
Ellie, love! their mother called one afternoon.
Hey, Mum! Ellie beamed. Whats up? Where have you been?
Out with Natalie. We were chatting about you again, Rosie winked. She says Mark is being stubborn, wont think about the future. Well try to persuade him.
Stubborn? Why? He never tells me anything
He says he has no feelings for you. Can you believe it? Years side by side, and no feelings. Right?
But Ellie started, Hes always been there, always listened.
Thats exactly it! Rosie exclaimed. Youve known each other since diapers. Feelings are weird they can appear. The point is to stay close. Dont give up! Mark just hasnt realised youre unbeatable.
Im not giving up, Mum.
Back at home, Natalie felt uneasy. She cherished her friendship with Rosie, but she also saw how exhausted Mark was from the constant matchmaking.
Rosie, I think I may have overdone it, she confessed one evening over the phone. Mark truly feels nothing for Ellie. He told me the pressure is too much.
Pressure? Rosie asked, surprised. What pressure? That we want happiness for our kids? Itd be easier if he just said yes. For Ellies sake, I always told her theyd marry.
It would be great for us, the mums, but for them? They have to live their own lives. If Mark feels nothing, thats that.
What am I supposed to tell Ellie? I see no one else for her but Mark.
***
Ellie still lingered. She met Mark occasionally by chance, dated a few lads, none lasting long. Mark was buried in work, but when he met Alice, things got complicated. Natalie first thought it was a fling, then Mark introduced them, and the whole thing spiralled.
What do you imagine this will look like? Alice snapped when she left. We celebrate holidays with Rosies family, were practically one big clan! How do I tell Ellie youll be joining every celebration? Shell go mental, Rosie wont forgive me
Mum!! Mark shouted, Come to your senses! Arent you overstepping with your friendship? Youre deciding who I date because Aunt Rosie will be upset!
I wouldnt dictate, but Ellie loves you.
Natalie stayed silent, but Rosie had recently warned that if Mark brought another girl into the mix, she would cut ties with the whole family meaning Natalie would lose a dear friend.
I cant return her love. Not at all, Mark said flatly.
But shes suffering, Mark!
I see that, Mum. Im sorry. I just cant give her what I dont have. It would be a lie, and I wont lie to either of us.
But what if what if you just havent noticed? Youve known her forever, maybe youre just used to her as a friend, when in fact
I feel nothing. Absolutely nothing. No romantic spark, no desire to spend every moment together. Were just different.
Rosie never forgave Natalie for that. Their contact dwindled to brief encounters at mutual gatherings, and Rosie largely ignored her old friend.
One wedding, Mark and Ellie found themselves at the same table.
You look good, Ellie, Mark broke the silence.
You too, Mark, she replied, Youve always been my favourite I never stopped thinking about you
I know, Mark sighed. And thats why its so hard. I cant meet your expectations. Im not the man who can make you happy the way you want.
Why not? Ill do anything!
Because I dont love you, Ellie. I dont think I ever will. Our mums have stopped contacting each other over this, but I cant change how I feel. Im sorry.
Ellie, finally, dropped the ultimatums her mother loved to wield.
I I understand, Mark, she whispered. Forgive me. Ive been living in a fantasy for far too long.
