A Test of Grown-Ups
Susie, why arent you coming out to celebrate with us tonight? asked Michael, grinning and even giving her a cheeky wink.
Because, my dear friend, Ive got a date, Susie replied, trying not to blush.
Well, thats a turn up! Michael was surprised. Hed known Susie for five yearsshe was a single mum and, as far as he could tell, hadnt been interested in any man… At least, not openly. Perhaps she had been, and hed just never noticed. Well, we shant keep you, then. Hope it all goes brilliantly, he chuckled, then turned to the others. Shall we?
Yes!
Lets go!
Absolutely! The cheerful chorus set them off down the pavement toward the nearest pub.
Michael kept pace beside them, smiling along, but deep down, a dull pang of jealousy caught him off guard. But reallywhat nonsense was that? There was never anything between him and Susie, only work and good-natured friendship.
Its all very odd, he mused to himself.
* * *
He arrived home that evening much later than usual. The house was alight, and as always, his children came thundering down the hall, shrieking, Dads home, Dads home! Then, his wife, Kate, appeared with a bright smile.
Mikey, youre finally back!
She embraced him and kissed his cheek. We went to the park and built a smashing model ship, Kate laughed. And youre forever out and about.
For your information, Im the one earning the money, he grumbled. And, Im entitled to stay late if I please!
Of course, you are, Kate replied agreeably.
And please, lets not start an interrogation, he added sullenly, even as he struggled to understand why he was being so short with her.
Had Michael been questioned then about his terse responses, hed have had no answer. He didnt know himself.
Has someone nipped you today? Kate asked teasingly, still smiling.
At that moment, Michael grasped his own motive. He wanted to wipe the smile from her face, to somehow make her feel as dismal as he did right then.
No. Just tired. Pop the supper on, will you? he said, trying for an even tone. Once Kate flitted off to the kitchen, he sat on the boot rack in the hall and buried his head in his hands.
What on earth am I doing? he thought, appalled at himself.
* * *
Several days later, Michael let it go. In hindsight, he blamed his upset on simply wanting the whole project team at the pub to mark their big finishand being disappointed that Susie had bowed out.
Now they had a new project, and he was up to his elbows in it.
* * *
Susie, you might need to stay a bit later tonight, he said one afternoon. I need the figures for this phase.
Im sorry, but Im off to see my mum tonight, Susie replied, shaking her head. Its important. But Ill come in early tomorrow and have it done for you.
All right, Michael nodded. Sorted.
Truth be told, he was miffed. How could she put anything above the project?
Is your mum poorly? he asked quietly.
Yes. Thats right, Susie looked away.
He understood then, and of course he could let her go for a sick mum.
But later he found out her mum wasnt unwell. Susie had made it up to avoid a late night at work.
What? Shes not seeing her mum? he muttered in confusion, after colleagues let it slip.
She is. But shes not going alone. Her new blokes picking her up, chimed in Emily. She waved him to the window. Look…
Michael joined her at the window. Sure enough, Susie emerged from the office, a young man waiting for her. They linked arms and strolled off together to his car, soon driving away.
In that moment, jealousy struck againthis time, overwhelming him.
Heavens… its true. She’s really found someone, flashed through his mind.
He struggled to suppress any trace of emotion. Well, then… We all finish at six, so youre free to clear off. No overtime expected, he muttered.
He returned to his desk and tried vainly to focus. His heart thudded in his chest.
* * *
As weeks passed, Michael grew anxious, unsure of his own feelings. At first, it was merely a mild agitationone that quickened his heart each time Susie spoke or messaged the team. It was the same feeling hed had at twenty, courting Kate.
Is it possible Im falling for her? The idea was both ludicrous and terrifying, making him try harder to dismiss it. He was a grown man, after all; hed just turned forty. He had a family. He cared deeply for Kate… or, at least, he used to. Now, perhaps, it was respect, gratitude, shared life. The wild, reckless love was long gone. But didnt that always happen?
The discomfort only grew. He noticed how he unconsciously straightened up whenever Susie left her desk, how he sought her opinion, replayed every conversation and exchange, searching for a secret meaning.
One day, a thought landed like a thunderbolt: What if Id met her before? Before the kids?
It knocked the breath from him. Yes, he would have. Not at once, but eventually, he’d have found an excuse, abandoned everythinghome, comfort, habitfor the mere chance to be with her.
Guilt gripped him like a wave. It swept away all his carefully maintained order.
He glanced at a family photo perched on his desk: Kate and the children, all smiles on a Cornish seaside holiday. It looked perfect. So why did it now seem as though hed wandered into someone elses life?
Why these feelings now, and for Susie specifically? Theyd worked alongside each other for three years without a flicker. Why couldnt he simply put her out of his mind?
He felt himself unravel. His values, once unshakeable, began to crumble. He knew he didnt want to betray his loved ones, didnt want to lose his family or destroy what he already had. But nor could he deny what he felt.
* * *
That morning, Michael woke before dawn, the sky still black, a soft sliver of light slipping through the curtains.
He lay there, staring at the ceiling. He couldnt stop thinking of Susie. It was as though she had taken root inside, a tiny splinter too deep to reach.
He remembered the day beforeSusie gone early again with that man. Every time, it felt as if something inside him tore apart.
Im losing myself, he thought. If I keep this up, Ill lose everythingslowly, but definitely. Ill grow cold, distant, a stranger to my family, to myself. Ill end up hating the person I become. And thatll be too late to fix.
He got up, dressed, made his coffee, and took it to the window. Outdoors, the street stretched grey and lonely beneath the rain. And, standing there, he made his decision.
* * *
What do you mean youre transferring to another department? The team gathered round, Susie among them.
Thats right. Theres an issue in Finance and Im to help sort it out, he explained.
But its just temporary?
Oh yes, just for a while, Michael nodded, though he knew full well nothing is more permanent than a temporary measure.
Hed considered quitting altogether, but thought better of it. He was well regarded at the company, and the salary was good, with future prospects to boot.
So hed requested a transfer, even if only for a couple of months. Better that, to escape the endless, torturous circuit of glances and conversations with Susie.
He didnt want to be the man who threw away everything for fleeting passion, nor one who shrugged, Im only human. He knew the ache would pass. It would hurt at first; then it would fade.
That evening, Michael told Kate, I want to spend more time with you and the kids. I dont want to be forever lost at work now.
Kate looked at him, eyes wide. Really?
Yes. I think Ive been missing so muchtime with the children. And with you. He tried hard to meet her gaze.
She said nothing, but gave a soft, knowing smile. It tugged at his heart.
He started taking the children to the park, walking them home from school, even attending school events hed once loathed. He began opening up to Kate, not just about practicalities, but how his day had gone, what troubled him, what made him happy. He listened to her as well.
He sometimes caught himself wondering, Why didnt I do this before? Why did I see it as a chore, not a chance to know the woman I married?
He didnt quite stop thinking of Susie; those thoughts lingered, but came less often now. When he did see her at work, he felt only a slight pinchno pain, no jealousy, just a gentle reminder: there she was, the person with whom he might have had another life. But hed chosen his own life. His family. And for once, he was grateful for his decision.
* * *
Mike! Michael!
He was striding through the shopping centre toward the toy shop when he heard his name. Turning, he saw herSusie.
Mike! Where have you been? The whole team wondered if wed ever see you againits been a year!
Michael smiled, genuinely pleased to see her, but unmoved inside.
Hello, Susie. Lovely to see you!
How are you? she asked.
All right. No, better than thatIm well. Truly, he replied, and felt it was at last the truth.
So why didnt you return? You were our best manager, she pressed.
Needed a change, he answered simply. How about you?
Me? Her smile was broad now. Im married. Hes kind. Trustworthy. My daughter adores him.
Michael nodded, feeling no trace of jealousy, just a faint, distant surpriselike seeing a friend who’d come back changed from faraway.
Im glad for you, he said sincerely.
They talked a while about the firm and mutual friends. Neither suggested they meet again. Each knew, quietly, that it was truly overfor good or for the better.
When they parted, Michael went on, bought his present, then stepped outside into the cool evening, realising at lastthe pain was gone. No ache, no longing, no need to start again with her.
He looked aheadtraffic lights, crowds crossing, children laughing with parents. And, for the first time in a long while, Michael felt completely where he was meant to be.
Not in some storybook fantasy, not in somebody elses dream, but in his own life. Real, messy, imperfect, and his.
* * *
Susie and Kate found themselves side by side on the treadmills at the gym, as they often did.
So, how did your chat go? asked Kate.
Susie shrugged lightly. It was nothing much. He wished me happiness, and that was it… So you win, she smiled. Your husband is a marvellous man.
I know, Kate replied, her smile warm as ever. And Ive always known it.
She shot Susie a playful wink.
