Taught my mother-in-law a lesson for Mothers Day.
Look, Liz, this is getting ridiculous!
This was only the beginning of our marriage, but your mother already behaves as if she owns the place. Honestly, whats going to happen once we have kids? Shell never leave the flat! Ill start finding her in our lounge, reorganising my sock drawer. Well have no peace! moaned Alex as Liz explained that her mum was adamant about continuing her unscheduled pop-ins.
Alright, Alex grumbled, if Margaret still doesnt get the message, Ill call a locksmith tomorrow. Lets see how she likes that!
Alex, shes still my mum, you know. Logic says shell get her hands on another key sooner or later, and what will you do, keep changing the locks every time? Shell be upset if we just freeze her out like that. We need to handle this properly! Make her realise nicely that she cant just barge in whenever she fancies! Liz tried to reason with him.
Look, love, if your mum doesnt understand plain English or my sleep-deprived grunts for that matter drastic measures are required! Alex said, feigning gravity.
What are you planning? Liz raised an eyebrow, instantly suspicious.
Let me get this straight: since Margarets got keys to our flat, I assume youve still got keys to your parents house too, yes? Alex asked, glancing innocently at his wife.
Reginald and Margaret had decided to rise at the crack of dawn on Saturday for the towns annual Mothers Day Farmers Market. You could nab eggs from local hens at a price that would make any pensioner proud a whole 50p cheaper than at Tesco, and twice as fresh!
Oh, brilliant, Reg, just look at this beef! And I managed to get two absolute whoppers of carp, still wriggling in the bag. Ill fry one for us, and Ill pop the other round to Liz. Imagine Alexs ridiculous face when he realises theres a live fish in the kitchen! Margaret giggled, plotting the shock delivery.
Honestly, love, just leave them be for once! Theyre nearly thirty, and youre still poking your nose in their affairs snooping around like youre Miss Marple, hunting for lost socks. Dont you have a sudoku to get to? Reginald pleaded good-naturedly.
Wait a minute, Margaret interrupted. Did you leave the shower running? Can you hear water?! With that, she stormed to the bathroom, and came flying out again quicker than a startled cat.
AAH! Reg, theres a naked man in our shower! In OUR bathroom! shrieked Margaret, now orbiting the kitchen like a weathered satellite.
Who? Naked who? Can you speak English for once?! Reginald hovered at the doorway, not daring to enter.
Its our son-in-law, Alex! What does he think hes doing?! Margaret wailed.
What do you think Im doing? Our waters gone all brown at home, and after my night shift I wasnt about to climb into bed smelling like the boys from the works so I thought, Why not use your lovely shower? Alex emerged from the bathroom, nonplussed, wrapped casually in a flowery housecoat hed found on the peg.
And while Im here, Mrs Smith, I do feel obliged to mention its a travesty, Madam, to scatter your laundry across the towel rail and radiators. And if only those werent the corsets of my mother-in-law, I might be more forgiving but alas Alex sighed dramatically, eyeing Reg with theatrical sympathy. You have my condolences, Reginald.
How dare you! Its my home, my underwear, I can hang it wherever I please! barked Margaret.
And another thing, Mrs Smith the coffee machine your lovely daughter and I gave you for Christmas? Looks like youre running a small swamp in the tray. Do give it a rinse once in a while Ive seen tidier pigsties at the farm park!
Oh come on, Alex, lay off Reginald half-heartedly defended his wife.
No, but really, Reginald have you seen this kitchen? Chaos! Theres more order in a teenagers bedroom! Dishes everywhere, crumbs, last Tuesdays leftovers in the sink the whole place needs a good going over.
And the fridge, Mrs Smith! May I? He flung open the fridge and began tossing out expired cream, unwrapped Cheddar and limp lettuce. I mean, honestly! And dont even get me started on the pan of half-eaten porridge I nearly mistook it for modern art. Have you started living by the motto if you own a dishwasher, rules no longer apply?
Alex aimed for the dishwasher, but Margaret drew herself up like a bulldog and blocked his way.
Thats enough! Get out of my house right now, or Ill call the police and have you done for trespassing! And dont think I wont, just because youre family. Ill see you in court, Alex! This is my house, my kitchen, my bathroom, my knickers, for goodness sake! Nobody gave you permission to barge in, much less lecture me while youre here! she shrieked at her son-in-law.
Reginald looked on, trying not to laugh. Hed twigged the plot. Margaret, meanwhile, was still too apoplectic to see the joke.
There we go, Mrs Smith. Thats exactly what I hoped youd say, Alex grinned, stretching contentedly. Every word you hurled at me just now send those thoughts in your own direction next time you come crashing into our flat for a surprise inspection! And lets remember, if you threaten police on me again, I might just return the favour even if you are my dear mother-in-law. But lets hope it wont come to that, eh?
Alex slipped out of his borrowed dressing gown, back into jeans and his battered coat.
Well then, Reginald, Margaret happy belated Mothers Day! Ive left your favourite brandy in the kitchen for you, Reg, and for you, Margaret, a bottle of Merlot and that perfume Liz says you love so much!
He flashed a broad, harmless smile worlds away from the cheeky lad whod just rearranged half the kitchen and quietly shut the door behind him.
Margaret, still fuming and shaking from the ordeal, unscrewed the brandy, poured herself a generous measure, and chased it with coffee from the freshly polished machine. Ah, well, she thought, at least he knows how to make a decent cup
See? Reginald chortled, eyeing his new bottle and her perfume. The lads a born diplomat. All that fuss, but he knows how to finish on a high note: a good show, a little bitter medicine, and a thoroughly pleasant aftertaste.
Happy Mothers Day, love! Reginald winked, pulling two tickets from under the bread bin for The Rakes Progress at the theatre.
After that, Margaret never again dropped by unannounced at Liz and Alexs but also never held a grudge. She had to admit, her son-in-laws creativity was a cut above the rest.
Boundaries were finally respected, nobodys feelings were hurt, and Alex could finally get his well-earned kip in peace, without worrying hed wake up to find Margaret rummaging through the sock drawer.
