Surprise! my family crowed, bursting in on my birthday without an invitation. Likewise, I replied. Surprises are paid for by whoever throws them.
Julia adjusted the strap of her emerald green dress in the mirror, gave her reflection a thorough once-over, and declared herself smashing. Forty. A number that terrifies some, but to Julia it meant freedom, fiscal independence, and the ability to finally say no like she meant it.
Jules, the cabs here, called out her husband, Benjamin, poking his head out of the hallway, absolutely glowing with admiration for his wife. Are you sure were not inviting anyone?
Ben, you know weve been over this, Julia replied, clutching her clutch. No guests, no cooking, no just chop a salad for me and no where are my slippers? Just you, me, a posh restaurant, and absolute peace. I want to eat my steak without your mum telling me Im chewing wrong.
Benjamin laughed. He knew full well that Julias relationship with Helenhis mumclosely resembled the Cold War: stony silences interrupted by salvos of unsolicited advice.
Fair enough. Your day, your rules, he agreed, offering his arm.
The Golden Peacock had not been chosen on a whim; its lavish molding, velvet drapes, and a menu where the prices could induce palpitations in a banker made it the perfect spot for a queenly evening.
They waltzed in, expecting a cosy table for two by the window. The manager, grinning like the Mona Lisa, ushered them deeper inside. But not to the window.
Your table is ready, he sang, gesturing toward the centre of the dining room.
Julia stopped dead. Instead of an intimate corner for two, the centre table had places for twelve. And it was far from empty.
At the head, in her metallic-threaded dress, sat Helen, regal as an exiled empress. Next to her, Uncle Petedistant family, sighted once every decadewas shovelling caviar into his mouth like hed missed lunch for the past twenty years. On the other side, Bens sister, Linda, was wiping her youngests face whilst her eldest, a seven-year-old rascal, was enthusiastically stabbing the antique chair upholstery with a fork.
Surpri-i-ise! Helen boomed, her voice projecting with all the force of someone whod spent decades in local government.
The whole restaurant turned to stare. Ben went white as a sheet and glanced at his wife. Julia was silent, but a glint appeared in her eyesthe frosty kind that usually heralded a philosophical annihilation.
Mum? Benjamin croaked. What on earth are you doing here?
What do you think? Helen flung her hands wide, narrowly missing her wine glass. Its Julias birthday! Did you seriously think wed leave our darling girl all by herself? Were family! Come on, sit down, weve already started while we waited for you.
Julia edged her way to the table. It groaned under the weight of smoked salmon, meats, bottles of vintage brandy, and oysters that Uncle Pete eyed with suspicion but demolished with the efficiency of a backhoe.
Helen, Julia said, voice steady, we reserved a table for two.
Oh, dont be a grump! Linda waved her off, splashing wine into her glass. Mum just rang the manager, told him we needed extra seats. Bit of drama but it all worked out! Jules, whys your dress backless? At forty you might want to be more modest, love, skins not exactly peachy anymore.
Linda, youve got mayonnaise on your chin, Julia quipped with a glacial smile. And your sons about to upend the gravy boat onto that eighteenth-century rug.
The crash and clatter promptly confirmed her prediction. Lindas seven-year-old had floored the flower vase for good measure.
No worries! Helen thundered over the commotion. Broken crockerys a good omen! Waiter, bring the crab salad and the mains, would you?
Julia sat. Benjamin shrank beside her, clearly wishing to be a spoon. Hed seen that julienne gaze beforespot-on for targeting the nearest exit.
So, youve thrown me a surprise party, Julia said, reaching for her napkin.
Of course! Helen seized another slab of smoked salmon. We know youre always scrimping and doing everything yourself. Todays special! Familys gathered! Petes come all the way from Northampton, even took the day off work.
Im a removal man, Pete piped up. Knackered my back, needed a break. The brandy heres ace, Jules, not like that cheap stuff you pour at Christmas.
The guests cheek level was fast approaching critical. Linda conducted a loud campaign suggesting Julia hurry up and have children (Your clocks not ticking, its cuckooing!) and lectured her on the futility of womens careers versus the undeniable nobility of soup-making. Helen nodded along, ordering the costliest items between toasts.
Ill have the lobster, Helen announced. Never tried it. Linda too. The kidsdessert, the biggest one!
Mum, its expensive, whispered Ben.
Shush! barked his mother. Its your wifes birthday. Cough up!
The peak of the evening arrived an hour in. Helen, tipsy and pink-faced, stood with her glass and rapped a fork on the rim:
Julia dearest, she began, syrupy-sarcastic, youre forty now. Womens prime is brief. I hope youll finally stop thinking just of yourself. Look at Lindathree kids, a husband (he drinks, but at least theres a garden). And you? Offices! Pilates! Youre so selfish. But we love you, in our own forgiving way. To family!
To family! bellowed Uncle Pete.
Linda snickered. Ben clenched his fists, ready to step in, but Julia calmly placed her hand on his. She stood. A hush fell. Julias smile made the waiter take half a step back.
Thank you, Helen, Julia said, voice ringing clear and bright. Youve enlightened me. I really have been selfishimagining my birthday was my celebration. But youve shown me that family matters most.
Helen beamed.
And since were on about generosity and surprises Julia paused. Waiter!
The young chap appeared instantly.
The bill, please.
Already? Linda fretted, mid-lobster. Weve not had pudding!
Do tuck in, darlings, Julia replied, all sweetness.
The waiter returned with the bill. Julia opened it: it could have paid the deposit on a slightly dented Audi. In two hours, her relatives had eaten and drunk enough for a parliamentary reception.
Blimey! Helen whistled. Ben, get your card out!
Julia snapped the folder shut and handed it back to the waiter.
Could you split the bill, please? Julia asked, loud enough for nearby tables to hear. Two Caesar salads, two ribeyes, and a bottle of sparkling water. Thats our order.
A deathly hush. Even the fly buzzing round the jelly seemed scandalised.
Excuse me? Helens face turned crimson. Julia, youre joking?
Not at all, Julia said, tapping her card. Beep. Paid.
You cant do that! squealed Linda. Its your birthday! You invited us!
Me? Julia arched an eyebrow. I didnt invite you. You said, Surprise!
She stood straighter, fixing her gaze on Helen.
You gatecrashed my birthday, ordered half the menu, insulted me on my special day. Well, heres a rule for you: surprises are paid for by whoever organises them.
Benjamin! wailed Helen, clutching her chest. Your wifes lost her marbles! Do something! My blood pressure!
Ben rose and surveyed the room. He met his mothers glare, took in Uncle Pete desperately sliding a half-empty brandy bottle under the table, and watched Linda scrubbing chocolate mousse off her sons faces.
Mum, Ben said, steady as ever. Julias right. If you wanted a party, nows your chance to savour it. Were going. Clearly, Julia and I have other plans for the evening.
He gently guided Julia to the exit.
You ungrateful wretches! Helen shrieked, blood pressure miraculously forgotten. Ill curse you! May you never know a pennys peace! Linda, call the police!
No need for the police, intervened the manager, a sturdy bloke with a headset flanked by two bouncers. But the bill will need settling. In full. Right away.
Julia and Ben made their escape, serenaded by indignant yells and threats from behind.
I havent got that kind of money! Linda flailed. Let Pete payhe ate the lot!
Me?! Pete spluttered, red-faced. I only had a nibble! It was your mum who stuffed herself!
Who are you calling stuffed, you old goat?! Helen howled, rendered speechless for once.
Julia stepped into the cool evening air and took a deep breath.
How are you? Ben asked, sliding an arm round her shoulders.
You know, Julia grinned, properly relaxed for the first time all night. That was the best birthday present ever. Like shrugging off a backpack full of bricks Ive been carrying for a decade.
Theyll never forgive us, Ben smirked.
I sincerely hope not, Julia replied. Maybe now theyve learned: surprises do tend to boomerang.
Epilogue (a week later)
Helens number had been blacklisted for days, but the gossip still trickled through mutual acquaintances. Divine payback caught up with the guests with the speed and tact of a rampaging goose. Naturally, nobody had enough cash. The restaurant row rumbled for hours.
The manager proved implacable. Uncle Pete had to leave his prized gold watcha family heirloomas collateral and sign an IOU. Linda was forced to ring her husband who, arriving furious, unleashed a tirade in the car park upon discovering the grand sum involved. Hed been saving for winter tyres, so a lengthy season of austerity now stretched before Linda.
Helen? Our esteemed mother-in-law had a bash at faking a heart attack, but the paramedics, unimpressed, declared an acute case of drank-too-much-and-ate-even-more. She had to hand over her rainy day biscuit tin earmarked for a new mink coat.
But the best part wasnt the cash. Oh no, the true reward was watching the family alliance disintegrate from within. Linda blamed her mother for egging them all on, Helen raged at Petes freeloading, Pete pined for his watch. The anti-Julia coalition quietly consumed itself.
Julia sat in her kitchen, sipping coffee and reading a book. Blessed silence in the house. The phone absolutely mute. No demands, no lectures, no soul-saving advice.
Justice, it turns out, is a dish best served coldand preferably with a separate bill.
