Wheres my daughter? I kept asking, teeth chattering, but I didnt know if it was from cold or pure panic.
Id left my Emily at a birthday party in the kids zone of the shopping centre. I barely knew the birthday girls mum, but Id dropped Emily off without a second thoughtthese sorts of parties were normal, wed done it before. The thing is, today I was late. The bus just never seemed to come. The shopping centre is awkwardly tucked away, people usually drive, but I dont have a car. So I took Emily on the bus, headed home because I had lessons to teachcouldn’t reschedulethen raced back. And I was only about fifteen minutes late. I sprinted across the icy car park, gasping for breath.
Now the muma petite woman with big blue eyesstared at me as I repeated the question.
Shes gone with her dad… she said, puzzled.
But Emily doesnt have a dad. Well, technically she does, but hes never even seen her.
I met Mark completely by accidentout for a walk with a friend along the Thames, my mate twisted her ankle, these two blokes helped us out. Just like in those cheesy films, they lied about going to uniOxford, apparentlyand that their dads were generals or professors. God knows why; they were just young and daft. When I got pregnant, Mark found out I was at teacher training college and my dad drove the local bus. He handed me money for an abortion and vanished.
I kept the baby, never regretted it once. Emilys my sidekickwise beyond her years and solid as a rock. We laugh all the time. If Im teaching, shes playing quietly with her dolls, then we make porridge or poached eggs together, sip tea with buttered digestives. Moneys always tight, most of it goes on rent, but neither of us complains.
How could you hand my child to a stranger?
My voice shook, tears stinging my eyes.
Stranger? He said hes her father! The blue-eyed woman looked annoyed.
I felt like screaming: There is no father! But what good would that do? I needed the security staff. CCTV, something…
When did this happen?
About ten minutes ago
I spun round and dashed off. How many times had I warned Emilynever go with strangers! Terror numbed my legs. I collided with a couple of people but didnt stop, didnt even apologise. Somehow I managed to shout:
Emily! Emily!
The food court was chaotic, most people ignored me, but a few turned their heads. Frantically, I scanned the placemaybe she hadnt left, maybe
Mummy!
At first I thought I was imagining things. There she was, Emily, coat half open, ice cream all over her face, running right at me. I clung to her as if letting go would mean collapsing on the floor, and looked up at the man with hera clean-cut sort, that classic dad haircut, daft Christmas jumper covered in snowmen, clutching an ice cream cone. He saw my face and started babbling:
Im so sorry, this is all my fault. I shouldve waited where you left her, but those little terrors kept winding her up, saying shes got no dad, hes never coming for her, because shes ugly. So I thoughtIll show them! I went over and told her, Come on, love, lets get some ice cream till Mum arrives. Really, I didnt expect you to be so scared
I was shaking. I didnt trust this bloke one bit. But could those kids actually have teased Emily like that? I looked into her eyesshe got the hint, sniffed, stuck her chin out.
Doesnt matter! Ive got a dad now, too!
The man awkwardly threw his hands up, but I still couldnt say anything.
Come on, I finally managed. Its late, well miss the bus.
Wait! he stepped forward, waving uncertainly. Let me give you a lift, please? Since things are already a bit mad. Im not a creep or anythingmy names James. Im alright! My mums over there, shell vouch for me!
He pointed to a lady with lilac curls at a nearby table, nose buried in a book.
If you like, Ill introduce youshell give me a glowing reference!
Im sure, I muttered, seriously tempted to clobber him. Thanks, but were fine!
Mum Emily tugged my sleeve. Let them see Dad drives us!
Outside the kids zone were the birthday girl, her mum, and another girl whose name Id forgotten. The look in Emilys eyes was so desperate, and the idea of sliding on icy ground in this state wasnt appealing. So, I went with it.
Alright then, I grunted.
Fab! Ill just let my mum know!
Mummys boy, much? I thought, rolling my eyes. The lilac-haired woman waved cheerfully, so I hurried on. What a ridiculous situation.
On the drive, I avoided eye contact with James, though I noticed how gentle he was with Emily. She was chattering away like a robinI’d never seen her so bubbly. When we got to our place, though, Emily got quiet.
Will I see you again? she whispered to James, glancing at me.
Now he looked at me, waiting for my verdict. I was ready to say no, Emily, you can’t just invite random men into your life. But seeing her sad little face, I couldn’t bring myself to say it. I caught Jamess eye and nodded.
Well, if your mum lets you, how about I take you to the pictures? Ever been to the cinema?
Really? No, I havent! Mum, can I go to the pictures with Dad?
Now I was mortified, and suddenly I was the one babbling.
Look, Emily, finebut two conditions. One: Its rude to call someone you just met Dad. You call him Uncle James. Got it? And two: Im coming with you. You remember what I told youdont go off with strangers, even if they seem nice.
I said the same, James piped up. About never wandering off, I mean.
So can I go?
I said yes.
Yay!
Part of me knew I should nip this in the bud, but I couldnt. Emilys my world, after all. If Mum were still here, Id ask her what to do. My memories of her are faintshe died when I was five, same age as Emily now. A boy fell through the ice, no one would dare go after him, but my mum did. Saved the boy, lost herself. Pneumonia, gone in a weekshed had diabetes, always unwell, and now Emily has it too. It breaks my heart knowing I passed that along.
By the next Saturday, Id been a mess, but when we got to the movie, it all went differently: James brought his own mum.
So you know Im not a nutter, let my mum vouch for me, he grinned.
Shes right, youre a bit bonkers, his mum smirked, and you could tell she doted on him.
While James fetched popcorn with Emily, she confided in me.
You know mind if I call you love? He didnt have a dad either. I was married four times, my last husband was absolutely perfectJames takes after him. But fate had other plans; he died before he even held his son. Heart attack. James was born prematurely. The first husbands helped outoh, youre looking at me funny! We’re all still friends. My first still loves me, second wasnt into women, and third loved women too much to settle for just me. They all tried being a father to James, but you knowits not the same. Thats why he took to Emilyhe was teased at school, too. Poor boy, I complained to the teachers constantly! Fat lot of good that did. He pulled all sorts of stunts to prove himselfnearly got himself killed once
She was fascinating, this petite, slim woman with purple hair, Chanel suit, and a detective novel in hand. I took a shine to her immediately.
Hes got no agenda, you know, just a good soul, she winked at me. And if you ask me, I think he likes you.
I flushedjust what I needed! I felt stupid getting involved, but then, Emily… shes so happy.
After the movie, I offered James cash for the tickets, but he shook his head.
When I take a lady to the movies, I pay.
I wasnt thrilledI like paying my way, never relying on anyone. And that crush business? Silly. Surely not.
When James dropped us home, Emily piped up:
Dad, where shall we go next?
Emily! I scolded.
She clapped her mouth, giggling.
I reckon we should visit the Natural History Museum, James said, ignoring her slip. Sound good?
Great! Mum, come with us?
Go without me, I said, a bit stiff, Take Mrs. Catherine too, she loves butterflies.
I hopped out first, desperate to end the weirdness. And I overheard James telling Emily:
When Mums out of earshot, you can call me Dad.
And thats how Emily found her Sunday Dad. Sometimes Id come with them, sometimes let Emily go if Mrs. Catherine was joiningI still saw James as a stranger, a bit suspicious, despite Emilys glowing stories. She was smitten, and part of me warmed to him, but I kept my guard up. Life isnt a fairy tale, princes on white horses dont just turn up. Catherine praised her son to the skiesalmost made me wonder if something was off. Surely she wouldnt try to set her son up with someone like me?
But little by little, my walls started to crumble. James was so gentlehed leave a chocolate bar for me in the hallway, always checked with me before making plans with Emily, always tried to catch my eye in the car. And Catherine was an absolute joyif James wasnt her son, Id confide in her about everything.
One time, he rang wanting to chat about the cinema. Emily came running, whispering:
Is that James?
And then flopped beside me, grinning.
Yes, of course, shed love to come, I said on instinct.
Wait Im asking you, too. So we go together. Just us two.
Suddenly Catherines voice piped up in the background.
Well, its about time!
For goodness sake, Mum! James groaned. Sorry, Lucy
Emily whispered, Is he asking you out?
I burst out laughing.
Ive got ears too, you know. Listen, James
Please dont say no. Just give me a chanceI promise, Ill be a perfect gentleman.
Mention her eyes, James, the bit about her mothers eyes! Catherine interjected.
It hit me like a cold wavewhat did Mum have to do with this?
James shouted to his mum, then said, Lucy, let me come round and explain. Is that okay?
A proper explanation sounded appealing. I paced from corner to corner till he turned up, Emily settled herself drawing at her desk, as if she understood.
I shouldve told you straight away, James blurted out. I wanted to, but I liked you so much And I didnt want you thinking it was just because of your mum. I meanyour mum, and then, I was so scared youd hate me. She died because of me
He rambled, jumped from topic to topic, giving me desperate puppy eyes. I was shaking, just like that time I thought Emily was gone.
Will you forgive me?
I didnt speak through his whole monologue, just managed:
I need time to think.
Mum, please forgive Dad!
James gave Emily a look, reminding her of their agreement. Then glanced at me, hopeful.
I need time. Do you understand? I repeated.
I wanted to ask a hundred questions, but couldn’t say a word. But when Catherine called, she told me everything.
He never knew shed diedI kept it from him as a child. Later, slipped up by accident. James decided to find you both then. That evening, he just wanted to helpthe thing with Emily snowballed, you He fell for you instantly. He worried youd judge him wrong. Dont blame himit was just James trying to be the hero, prove himself. He was the only boy to dare step onto the ice
Catherine was gentle, always defending James. Emily, on the other hand, was relentless.
Mum, hes lovely! And he loves youhe told me! He could be my real dad, you see?
I knew what she meant. But it felt not quite right.
Nearly a month went by and I couldnt bring myself to speak to James. I ignored calls, didnt open his messages. The longer it went on, the more I wanted to ring him, and the more impossible it felt.
One night, Emily woke me cryingher tummy hurt. Shed said so yesterday too, but I blamed it on dodgy yoghurt. Now, though, her fever was raging; I could tell without the thermometer.
Shaking, I dialled for the ambulanceand then, almost without thinking, I called James.
He burst in the door with the paramedics, rumpled and half asleep. He rode with us to the hospital, soothing me, promising itd turn out alright. His voice shook, though.
Appendicitis isnt so bad, he kept saying, Everything will be just fine.
I grabbed his handmaybe to calm him, maybe just to steady myself. In the waiting room, it was cold; wed left without warm clothes, so we huddled together for warmth.
He was the first to pester the doctor, asking for updates after surgery. I couldnt moveI knew if anything happened to Emily, Id never survive it.
But she was alright. The doctors worked miracles, and Emily fought like a champthe situation, they said, was very critical.
Like shes got a guardian angel, the doctor mused. I whispered, Thank you, Mum.
James couldnt stop thanking the staff; eventually, they told us both to go homeEmily was in intensive care, parents needed rest.
He drove me back, and when he didnt ask to come in, I invited him.
Its almost morning. Want to come in for a cuppa?
I realised I genuinely wanted him to come in. And stay. For good.
Emily healed astonishingly quicklyeveryone noticed.
Thats because I have a mum and a dad, she declared proudly.
And no one except me and James understood just why that made her so very happyJames grinned at her. Youre a tough cookie, arent you?
She nodded, chin stained with chocolate pudding from her hospital tray. I squeezed her fingers. At that moment, I felt the gnawing fear finally let go, replaced with something soft and dangerous: hope.
Later, after Emily drifted into a gentle sleep, James and I walked outside, silence hanging between us. The dawn was creeping over the rooftops, mist curling along the ground. I looked at him, the man whod once been a stranger and suddenly wasnt anymore.
Im sorry for everything, I whispered. For not listening. For not trusting. Its justI never thought Id get another chance.
He reached for my hand, carefully. I wasnt looking for one either, he said, his voice husky. But maybemaybe we could stop letting the old ghosts make our choices.
We stood there, breath steaming in the pale morning, and I thought of my mumthe way shed leapt onto the ice without thinking. The way shed always told me to be brave, even if it hurt.
I squeezed his hand and, for the first time in a long while, let myself imagine a futurefull of messy breakfasts, laughter, hospital visits, Sunday museum trips, and Catherines wild stories.
Inside, Emily stirred, half-awake, murmuring, Are you still here, Dad?
Both of us turned at her voice, and I realised: sometimes, families are made from broken pieces, held together by hope, a handful of courage, and the stubborn love of a child who believes.
Yes, love, James said softly. Were not going anywhere.
I tucked the blanket around Emily, James squeezed my shoulder, and together we watched the light grow, warming the roomand everything that might come after.
